Cuddling and kissing?

[Atwood]

Don't Lose Your Noodle by the Old Canoodle

As to Kissing, Cuddling, Canoodling by the unmarried & unengaged:

1) Thou shalt not covet = thou shalt not lust.

2) Gal 5: The flesh lusts vs the Spirit.

3) Flee youthful lusts. " If a man therefore purge himself from these, he shall be a vessel unto honor, sanctified, meet for the master’s use, prepared unto every good work. But flee youthful lusts, and follow after righteousness, faith, love, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart."

4) lusts war vs the soul. "Beloved, I beseech you as sojourners and pilgrims, to abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul; having your behavior seemly among the Gentiles;"

5) In the last time there shall be mockers, walking after their own ungodly lusts. These are they who make separations, sensual, having not the Spirit.

6) In the last time there shall be mockers, walking after their own ungodly lusts. These are they who make separations, sensual, having not the Spirit.

7) For, uttering great swelling words of vanity, they entice in the lusts of the flesh, by lasciviousness, those who are just escaping from them that live in error; promising them liberty, while they themselves are bondservants of corruption; for of whom a man is overcome, of the same is he also brought into bondage.

8) the Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptation, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment unto the day of judgment; but chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of defilement,

9) having escaped from the corruption that is in the world by lust.

10) that ye no longer should live the rest of your time in the flesh to the lusts of men, but to the will of God. For the time past may suffice to have wrought the desire of the Gentiles, and to have walked in lasciviousness, lusts, winebibbings, revellings, carousings, and abominable idolatries: wherein they think it strange that ye run not with them into the same excess of riot,

11) as children of obedience, not fashioning yourselves according to your former lusts in the time of your ignorance: but like as he who called you is holy, be ye yourselves also holy in all manner of living; because it is written, Ye shall be holy; for I am holy.

12) Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God; for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempteth no man: but each man is tempted, when he is drawn away by his own lust, and enticed. Then the lust, when it hath conceived, beareth sin: and the sin, when it is fullgrown, bringeth forth death.

13) For we also once were foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving diverse lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. But when the kindness of God our Saviour, and his love toward man, appeared, not by works done in righteousness, which we did ourselves, but according to his mercy he saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit,

14 For the grace of God hath appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us, to the intent that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly and righteously and godly in this present world; looking for the blessed hope and appearing of the glory of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ; who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a people for his own possession, zealous of good works.

15) puffed up, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God; holding a form of godliness, but having denied the power thereof: from these also turn away. For of these are they that creep into houses, and take captive silly women laden with sins, led away by diverse lusts,

16)
1 Thes 4 provides advice on how to get a spouse:

For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye abstain from fornication; that each one of you know how to acquire his own vessel [i.e., wife] in sanctification and honor, not in the passion of lust, [No Shotgun marriages!] even as the Gentiles who know not God; that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in the matter: because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as also we forewarned you and testified. For God called us not for uncleanness, but in sanctification.

 

[Ugly]

I met this guy on an online dating site. We chatted fir two weeks. I sent the first message to him but he pursued and initiated there after. He often got a little steamy in his messages and I reciprocated playfully. One night he asked for my number and to add him to facebook. I did. Couple days later we met at the park and watched a movie at my house. We cuddles and kissed. I sent him a txt the next say saying I had fun and would love to do it again some time. He was always very aggressive and strait forward online. When we met he wasnt very talkative at all and seemed shy. The next day he removed me frim his facebook and I havent herd from him since. This was Monday night and it is now Friday. What did I do wrong? He kind of illuded to the fact he was waiting for a paycheck to "take me out" is there still hope he will contine to purse? If he does decide to pursue again how do I not mess up again? Men and women please respond...but men what is he thinking?

Why would you want him to pursue you? He removed you from FB and quit talking to you. Move on. You barely know the guy.

Sounds to me like you need to find some self worth before looking for another man. This guy is already treating you like crap and your thought is 'what did i do wrong?' and 'how can i not screw up again?'. How about 'whats his problem?'.

If you have to go out of your way to keep a man around, then you stop being yourself and start catering to what you think they want. You will no longer be honest about who you are. Why not adopt the attitude of 'this is who i am, and if X guy doesn't like me this way he can move on'?
Your post screams 'i'll take whatever man i can get because i have no belief in my own worth', which means you're setting yourself up to be in a very bad relationship one day. Chasing after a guy you barely know and wanting to know how to change to keep him, even though he's already made it clear he doesn't want you, is such a bad sign.

If i had to guess that you did anything 'wrong' in his eyes, it's probably that you didn't have sex.

He disappeared on you without warning or explanation. He's a jerk, why would you want him back? Is that the kind of treatment you're willing to accept just to get a man? To be disrespected and disregarded. I suggest to finding some self worth, and learning to spot and act on red flags, before making any more attempts at finding a man. You, quite simply, don't sound like you're ready.

 

[ChandlerFan]

Hum....love means different things to different people. I like someone who is a bit coy and playful. If I can figure out what a man is all about the mystique is gone for me. I dont mean in an imature playing games sort of way...but there behaviour has to be such that it keeps me on my toes. And if there is no passion or attraction it makes it even worse. When younger i thought my drive for excitement was the sole reason i was still single. I tried to settle for a man who I had no passion for and we had no chemistry. As I havr gotten older I know realize that chemistry is a critical element of a relationship.

I don't think love is what you think it is.

 

[secularhermit]

Well when I asked him his intentions he told me he would like to get to know me and go from there I have also told him that I wanted to take things slowly.

here´s a real experience in short:

One of my friends was on the phone and she wanted me to "know" one of her friends (I was unwilling) and I told her, with my reasons, why I didn´t want to meet people online (circa 1988).

I talked to convince her I didn´t want to talk to her friend and to my surprised, i heard another voice who wan´t hers and, shocking as i felt, she heard all my reasons (and unreasons) I tried to tell the other way I didn´t wnat to meet her friend on the phone.

Once I knew I was talking to an stranger (whose voice i liked a lot) (she knew how to woo on the phone) we expent and hour talking (I´m not sure if I called or if I was called in).

We started to like one another on the phone, she lived too close to where my house was (less than 500 meters) and we set a meeting they at her job (she was a school teacher).

I had great expectations. We had too many things in common and I didn´t want to stop the chat the 1st time we chat on the phone (I never used PCs or mass medias to approach people those days).

I went to the place she asked to be prompt... I knew everything I needed to know about that place (close my same neigborhood). She told me how she was dressed.

When I saw her I wanted to run!

I didn´t do it for "being polite". However, we became frinds, not the kind I really wanted, but I owe her a lot of thinks I leaned, particularly when I was invited to go to the Gran Sabana, to help me forget the sorrow I had for having "lost" the young woman I think I desired (or loved) most (which was the 1st reason I was unwilling to meet more people, because I was missing the one I really liked).

 

[Raine]

Packersgirl,

I am from Wisconsin and love the Packers too! But I don't own anything Packer... so does that mean I'm a real fan... hmm...

I think you should pay close attention to what everyone here has said. Trust me, CHEMISTRY FADES. But what stands strong is a REAL foundation of REAL LOVE. It sounds to me that all you guys had was some chemistry, nothing real, nothing that is crucial for a real relationship. It does seem like he is toying with you... and I warn you... Do not make it "easy" for him to get you back. If you are too easy to get, sometimes, with the wrong guys, they will take advantage of that.

I don't know about you girly... but for me, I want to be with someone who makes me feel secure and safe... Where I know where they stand and I don't have to play "guessing" games or he isn't too "mysterious." Someone who really is interested in creating a real relationship with you that will last will not do this with you because they have respect for you.

And I agree... I am not one who likes being "touchy" on a first date or even in the first month. Take things slow... slow down... From the information we are aware of, it does seem that you are a bit naive to the real situation here...

You did not do anything wrong... He is just not the right guy. I would honestly, let him go... But that would require some self control and not acting based on feelings alone... If you're really unsure about our advice, ask God about it and see what he says. I do believe that what most have shared here is real wisdom.

 

[secularhermit]

"Steaming" things is not good, particularly when we don´t know people and their things.

Alive and real situations are much better than the virtual ones.

 

[MissCris]

Hum....love means different things to different people. I like someone who is a bit coy and playful. If I can figure out what a man is all about the mystique is gone for me. I dont mean in an imature playing games sort of way...but there behaviour has to be such that it keeps me on my toes. And if there is no passion or attraction it makes it even worse. When younger i thought my drive for excitement was the sole reason i was still single. I tried to settle for a man who I had no passion for and we had no chemistry. As I havr gotten older I know realize that chemistry is a critical element of a relationship.

It's not wrong to want those things. Not at all.

The problem I see with this particular situation is that it's based on lust, you don't know much about each other, he acted differently in person than online, he stopped talking to you after a little fooling around, and you seem entirely unconcerned about his character- so long as there's "chemistry".

 

[ChandlerFan]

This article came to mind. It's one of my favorite articles, and quite honestly, the type of marriage and man she describes is the type of marriage I want, and the type of man I want to be.

The Real Truth About 'Boring' Men--and the Women Who Live With Them

 

[gypsygirl]

yeah, i think you've been given great advice above.

if any guy i hardly knew sent me anything resembling a "steamy" letter? i would chalk it up to his being nakedly self serving about his intentions. to me it just screams that he is indiscriminate with his "affections", so to speak. and that isn't something attractive to me at all.

i'd also be reluctant to go to someone's house (or have them come to mine) to watch a movie early on. both for safety reasons, and the fact that it is more of an intimate kind of date -- i'd spend that early time doing something that is more facilitating of getting to know each other, where you talk and learn how his mind works.

also, about the physical contact thing:

when you go right for that, you can really short circuit that time of getting to know each other, and learning about each other as people. also, to be able to objectively evaluate whether you have strong basis for compatibility.

while i'm not a soldier in the radical purity movement, i do believe that cuddling and kissing should be saved for someone who is special, not someone who you just met, in person. someone whom you're on more solid ground with, someone who you know cares deeply for you, someone who sees you as a person with a heart and soul, and feelings.

delete him from FB and your life, and do not look back. you deserve much better.

 

[secularhermit]

"...and I warn you... Do not make it "easy" for him to get you back. If you are too easy to get, sometimes, with the wrong guys, they will take advantage of that."

Yes!!!

Thumps UP!

 

[Packersgirl]

Hum, I am not sure if your attacking what you percieve to be my lack of self worth id wise on your part with out knowing more about the situation. These next statements may sound arrogent but I want you to understand its because I havr taken a liking to him not because I am desparate.
1) this guy was date 4 that I had been on in 2 weeks
2) I am well educated and a great conversationalist
3) I am not ugly. I am actually quite attractive
4) just because I am asking advice does not mean I am imfatuated beyound reason

when I come on here to ask advice I did so very humbly. I appreciate all the imput. I reallt do. But considerr this. This man never tore appart my character. He never oversteped his bound. He may be lousy for not being more up front but at least he was civil.

 

[Packersgirl]

Hum, I am not sure if your attacking what you percieve to be my lack of self worth id wise on your part with out knowing more about the situation. These next statements may sound arrogent but I want you to understand its because I havr taken a liking to him not because I am desparate.
1) this guy was date 4 that I had been on in 2 weeks
2) I am well educated and a great conversationalist
3) I am not ugly. I am actually quite attractive
4) just because I am asking advice does not mean I am imfatuated beyound reason

when I come on here to ask advice I did so very humbly. I appreciate all the imput. I reallt do. But considerr this. This man never tore appart my character. He never oversteped his bound. He may be lousy for not being more up front but at least he was civil.

For all the possative comments, sincerly thank you

 

[Raine]

Whenever you post on a forum, you are bound to get all different opinions of the situation... And everyone is only giving advice based on the information you presented in the OP... I think most of us have the best intentions when we share our advice with you.

 

[gypsygirl]

Hum, I am not sure if your attacking what you percieve to be my lack of self worth id wise on your part with out knowing more about the situation. These next statements may sound arrogent but I want you to understand its because I havr taken a liking to him not because I am desparate.
1) this guy was date 4 that I had been on in 2 weeks
2) I am well educated and a great conversationalist
3) I am not ugly. I am actually quite attractive
4) just because I am asking advice does not mean I am imfatuated beyound reason

when I come on here to ask advice I did so very humbly. I appreciate all the imput. I reallt do. But considerr this. This man never tore appart my character. He never oversteped his bound. He may be lousy for not being more up front but at least he was civil.

i just want to say this:

there are a lot of guys who will be able to rise to civil, to nice, to acceptable, especially early on, when they're pursuing.

there are plenty of those guys out there, in varying forms and flavors. they're there, and available, on the basis of what you consider acceptable for yourself.

it's all about what you're looking for, and and what kind of relationship you want to have. how do you want to be treated, or valued in a relationship.

these dates are designed to reveal his character to you and determine compatibility, not whether his mom taught him good manners (or he's adequately respectful). we deserve more than ADEQUATE.

like it or not, he showed you who he is, and now it's your turn to either believe him, or not. : )

 

[CatHerder]

I steam broccoli, but that's about as "steamy" as I get these days.





just my lil' contribution to this here thread..

 

[Packersgirl]

Whenever you post on a forum, you are bound to get all different opinions of the situation... And everyone is only giving advice based on the information you presented in the OP... I think most of us have the best intentions when we share our advice with you.

I would agree. I am greatful for all the hints, tips, and tricks! Again thank you for all the input.

 

[secularhermit]

You surely know your background and your complete situations (which are unique).

Please don´t feel you are judged or seen another way you are not.

On my own experience I have spent more than 1 year to do my personal approach and real meetings. Whenever I broke my "rules" I freaked myself and got involved in affairs not leading to matrimony (a place I wished i could be in) but I resinged to it.

Excuse me, please, if I could have been seen less than "helpful". Otherwise not trying to help, why "contributing"? i could be writing outside my blogs, just to hear me talking alone. But I understand if...

 

[secularhermit]

One thing I´d like to mention.

here there is a sort of a reward system... Don´t get too used to receive the approvals of a "LIKE" and don´t feel you are ignoered whenever it´s seemed what you wrote "feels" to be ignored or disapproved...

Believed or not, these threads ANY may have written just for "today" will last untill CC get lost of sight, and I know this capsule time will be viewed even in heaven, because MANY PEPLE HERE are pouring their real soul, there love and comprenhension...

In nut shell: I have learned to live "approved" and "disapproved" and I wanted you to be spared of the anxiety this virtuality can bring in your mind whenever things are going another place you never planned or expected.

1Pe 3:13 Who will harm you if you are eager to do what is good?

1Pe 3:17 For it is better to suffer for doing good, if this should be God's will, than for doing evil.

Although I don´t like Paul´s:

Rom 7:21 So I find that this law is at work: when I want to do what is good, what is evil is the only choice I have.

1Co 6:7 The very fact that you have legal disputes among yourselves shows that you have failed completely. Would it not be better for you to be wronged? Would it not be better for you to be robbed?


1Co 10:24 None of you should be looking out for your own interests, but for the interests of others.

 

[Shouryu]

If he is that different online than he is in person, that should throw up at least a minor red flag.

I respectfully disagree. Having made a habit of meeting online friends since 1998, I find that a person's introversion/extroversion factor is almost ALWAYS different in person than it is online. It's not necessarily a flip-flop, sometimes it's an increase or decrease. CatHerder is a more talkative face-to-face than online (but he's plenty chatty online, too). DuchessAimee is a little less talkative in person (but she can still get going). Catlynn is more chatty face-to-face; so is Grace-Like-Rain (if you can believe it). Grace actually confessed the other night that I'd really surprised her, because she hadn't taken my ISTP/J claims seriously until after our second meeting, because based on the chatroom, I had to be an extrovert, but in person she saw that I wasn't.

The anonymity and relative safety that online interaction provides often fosters "the me I've always wanted to be" or "the me that I think everyone will like/respect/adore more" in people. That's why I think long term relationships that are only online-based for long periods of time often have some big accommodations to endure when they become short-distance relationships...there's a whole new set of learning about the person that takes place, and it's often surprising.

Also, the steamy messages should be another. And the whole kissing-on-the-first-date thing seems very premature to me.

A kiss or two on the first date isn't unheard of, but the steamy messages so quickly? Yeah, I'm with ChandlerFan (and most everyone) on this. That's a HUGE red flag, because if he put it out there so quickly, it was clearly on his mind right from the start. That's not to say that a man, even a man of the faith, doesn't wonder about sexual chemistry quickly...but a respectful man who's interested in a Godly relationship wouldn't have brought it up at this point in the relationship, nor do I think he should have brought it up in this manner. HUGE red flag.

But there's another red flag I want to discuss, and we'll get to it in a moment.

I...am a Packers fan too!

THERE IT IS. I was waiting for that shoe to drop. This whole time, I'm thinking, man, this new kid is pretty smart, pretty level headed. He can't seriously only be 24...where's the sign that he's still missing part of his brain? Just found it. *grins*

Okay, now that I'm done teasing ChandlerFan, on to you, Packersgirl (who, you have no excuse for liking the Packers, because you're over 25 and your brain is fully developed).

Men and women please respond...but men what is he thinking?

I posit that he's thinking one of two things (disclaimer: I could be wrong it's happened once before, and it's bound to happen again):

1) Man, I didn't get laid on the first date! What a waste of time this has been! How much more work is this woman going to take?

2) Oh wow, we got things going really quick there. Maybe we pushed this too hard; maybe I'm not ready to move this quick.

Either way, you're probably better off without.

So, remember that OTHER red flag I mentioned earlier? Here it is.

You didn't mention ANYTHING about this man's spiritual status. While we have the benefit of being able to look at your profile on CC and seeing that you identify as a Christian, you made no mention of this man's spiritual state. Is HE a Christian? Did the two of you discuss your faith, what it meant to you (each other), what it would mean for your relationship, and what it meant for your future? For a follower of Christ, a romantic relationship is not just between two people, it's between three. If Christ wasn't a part of the equation, then the solution becomes much more difficult. (My word, I just made a math joke; I'm off my game today.)

If you didn't mention it, because you forgot, no red flag.
If you didn't mention it, because he's NOT a Christian, HUGE red flag.
If you didn't mention it, because he's NOT a Christian, and you felt you should hide that because you knew we'd say something....HUGEST RED FLAG EVAAAAAAAAAR!

Not saying it to be judging, nor am I bringing it up, looking for a chance to bring condemnation. I am simply pointing out the one missing piece of information that would make it a little easier to answer your question about what he was thinking.

 

[MartyrNdaMaKn]

Cuddling and kissing is the wrong way to start of meeting someone. Cuddling and kissing in my opinions is meant for people who have been together for a long period of time and most definitely marriage. My advice to you is to take baby steps when getting to know someone before you decide to date them. So, you can get all the factors on what type of person they are.