Investing Yourself In Others

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hoss2576

hoss2576

Senior Member
May 10, 2014
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For several years I worked in an intervention program, and I loved every aspect of it. I got to help people improve their lives. One of the things we all were taught is how we had to remain objective, but after spending a lot of time with clients it felt like you couldn't help but be personally invested in their lives and what happens to them. After years of it, it became impossible for me to stay objective.

An example: I would be talking to a female client (19 yrs old) about medication options she had in her treatment program, but I mentioned she couldn't utilize most of them if she was pregnant. She stated she believed she was, so I told her then we would continue with all of the non-medication parts of treatment. The next week, she returned and announced she was not pregnant. I said, okay, we can try the medication. The following week, she returned and guess what? She thought she was pregnant again. This proceeded for two more weeks. In theory I am just not to address this part of her life because it was in a way a "judgment" and not part of her treatment. However the last time we played the pregnant/ not pregnant conversation, I commented, "They know how to prevent that now." She gave a response that nearly made me fall out of my chair.

See her intervention program was no longer my sole concern. She had so many areas of her life that needed improvement, and she wanted help on. She was totally lost though. I ended of leaving the job due to just being so overwhelmed with seeing these people who had multiple problems, where I was investing myself to the point it was hurting me.

So here is the question. Have you ever kept helping someone and invested yourself into them and it got to the point where it was to your own detriment? Has it felt like you were doing all of this investing into someone to help them, but they weren't really making the effort though they requested the help? Does there come a point that you have to just stop and "cut your losses" so to speak? If you do stop helping, how do you tell the person without worsening their situation?
 
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I've been working with Suicidal teenagers for close for 3 years and many times it has reached this point for me- more often than not rather which is why I had to step away.
 
This is a good question Hoss. I have experienced such situations before, though only in personal relationships.

By nature, I am a mix of ENTF/INTF. That means that I am more inclined towards feelings than judgements (about 11% more towards feelings). This has enabled me to empathise with people when they face difficult situations. For e.g. I can read about a rape in the news and be overcome by anguish. So when people come to me with their problems, I go overboard to help them. If someone wanted some help, I would go to the extent of putting them through to the right people who can solve it. Lately though, I have realised that this is unnecessary. Very few people know how to appreciate a timely help and fewer follow it.

So I have now decided that I will be brief in my advice. If person A comes to me with a problem, I would give a short advice on what must be done. I will give them the option of coming back to me if they need more help. In 9 out 10 cases, they would not because that may not be the advice they want to hear. That is good because I save my time, me efforts and my emotions. For the 10th person who comes, I will be more than happy to help them through it.

This is what I do when I am in such a circumstance. I hope it helps. :)
 
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Sometimes God requires us to walk a part of the journey with people. To be faithful to what He has called us to do. sow the seeds of mercy, grace and kindness then leave the ultimate outcome to Him. We have to have faith that what God has begun in people He will accomplish in His own timing and His own way if we let Him.

we live in a lost and broken world, a world that will never satisfy and yet we keep seeking the answers in things that will ultimately bring more harm than good. Only God is the way, the truth and all life. We have to let God be God to the lost and broken and let the spirit of God work through us, then have the faith to release them into His care.

I have been on both sides of this coin.. I have been the broken girl who desperately needed the love and healing touch of God and there came a time when God required that I comfort with the love that He has comforted me with. As someone who has received many loving kindnesses from people, what you do.. how little it may seem to you.. matters. But God requires us to put up Godly limits and be completely surrendered to Gods will.

Thank you for your heart for people. im sorry you have felt overwhelmed with people having multiple issues. I pray that the Lord restores your hope and your love. As for walking away from a person who is demanding too much and hurting you. you simply walk in the truth.. you explain that and if they cant accept it.. then you are accountable to God for your choices not man.. and if you walk in truth ..God will honour you.

Bless you in Jesus name

Amen
 
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You've been starting some good threads recently hoss. One of the reasons I have shied away from any professional advice giving / counseling type of career is that I think I would take it too personally and get too personally involved. I just randomly post on forums instead.

With my friends though, I seem to have a knack for befriending down and discouraged people. I often find it hard to make the call of when am I being used and when should I stick it out because this person won't get out of the crap they are in unless someone toughs it out and walks with them through the mess. I think it just takes a lot of discernment to know when what you are doing is helping (even if you can't see the results) and when a person is simply not willing to do what has be done (or give up what has to be given up) to make the improvements they desire in their life. There's that saying that you can't have your cake and eat it too, and I think that is true of a lot of people who ask for advice as to how they can make God not disagree with their sin rather than how they can stop sinning. Any choice is a limitation and sometimes all that is left to us is to choose what set of limitations we will live with.
 
hoss2576 said:
For several years I worked in an intervention program, and I loved every aspect of it. I got to help people improve their lives. One of the things we all were taught is how we had to remain objective, but after spending a lot of time with clients it felt like you couldn't help but be personally invested in their lives and what happens to them. After years of it, it became impossible for me to stay objective.

An example: I would be talking to a female client (19 yrs old) about medication options she had in her treatment program, but I mentioned she couldn't utilize most of them if she was pregnant. She stated she believed she was, so I told her then we would continue with all of the non-medication parts of treatment. The next week, she returned and announced she was not pregnant. I said, okay, we can try the medication. The following week, she returned and guess what? She thought she was pregnant again. This proceeded for two more weeks. In theory I am just not to address this part of her life because it was in a way a "judgment" and not part of her treatment. However the last time we played the pregnant/ not pregnant conversation, I commented, "They know how to prevent that now." She gave a response that nearly made me fall out of my chair.

See her intervention program was no longer my sole concern. She had so many areas of her life that needed improvement, and she wanted help on. She was totally lost though. I ended of leaving the job due to just being so overwhelmed with seeing these people who had multiple problems, where I was investing myself to the point it was hurting me.

So here is the question. Have you ever kept helping someone and invested yourself into them and it got to the point where it was to your own detriment? Has it felt like you were doing all of this investing into someone to help them, but they weren't really making the effort though they requested the help? Does there come a point that you have to just stop and "cut your losses" so to speak? If you do stop helping, how do you tell the person without worsening their situation?
Click to expand...

In short, yes. In most cases it was online. But I think from that standpoint you can only help someone as much as they will allow themselves to be helped. They have to want for themselves what you want for them. If they don't, I do think there comes a point where you have to distance yourself from them and their situation a bit to make sure that you aren't getting burned out in what they have going on. I also think this is why there is value in having a relationship with someone in a counseling context where you only meet one or two times per week. Doing it online where you might have very frequent contact during a time when you're just looking to relax can be much harder.

And I think when having to tell someone that you need to lessen or cut off contact, there are gracious ways to go about it, and hopefully they will understand. Encouraging them and emphasizing that it's something you need to do for your own well-being...things like that.
 
Hoss, I did with my Brother and another time my Sister. My Brother eventually moved out of state, so things changed. He was an alcoholic. Once he stopped hanging with the people that he drank with and got some help he became sober.

In regards to your post yesterday about Divorcing to much, my oldest Sister has been married 3 times. The first time she was married at 19 to a really nice man, they had two children together, they were married for 17 years. I guess they grew apart, I really don't know what happened. I was upset when they divorced.

She married the second husband about 5 years later, I have no idea why. He was an alcoholic and the whole thing was a mess. They were married I think for 5 years, they had a child together and she threw him out.

So she throws him out, then comes number 3. He was also an alcoholic. He has been sober for 5 years and is doing well. She complains about him constantly. They've been married for 16 years. Most of those years she was extremley stressed from the drinking. It was bad, I would go get her and try to help. It was this cycle of he'd be sober for a few days, then he'd drink, he'd do something dumb, I would pick her and my Nephew up bring them home and listen to her cry and complain. The last straw for me was their neighbor had a graduation party for their child. They invited my Sister and her family. He got so drunk that he vomited and screamed at my Sister. She came to my house shaking. My Nephew who was 10 0r so at the time was scared. I told her that I wouldn't allow her Son to go back and he could stay with me. I invited them both but I said, I'm not going to let you take him back there. My Nephew was relived. She was upset, my Brother and Husband went over there to get her things and it was this huge scream fest between my Sister and him, I guess, I wasn't there. My children were both very very young at the time and I was just a shaking mess. I told her that she could stay and I'd do what I could, but I wanted this to stop. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't constantly allow her Son and my Children to see this anymore.
to a
She went back, my Nephew wanted to go with her, there wasn't anything I could do. Her Husband said he was going to get help and he did. I think the neighbors seeing and hearing everything finally snapped something in him.

I'm so glad that period in her life is over. She still complains about him a lot. He does have a tendency to act like a child when things don't go his way.

Let me put it this way, I get a long with him fine now. I think he's a decent man. I could NEVER be married to him. I wish she wouldn't complain like she does, but whatever. My Nephew is 19 and in college and he's doing well. Thankfully the whole situation hasn't messed him up.

My Nephew doesn't have contact with his Dad, my Sister's second Husband. When he was 3, his Dad went to jail for 10 years for Robbery. My Nephew had a step Brother, his Father's other biological son. Anyhow this boy was 23 and killed himself last year. My Nephew didn't know him well at all. It's very sad. His brother seemed to being doing well, and it was pretty shocking.

My Nephew's biological Dad is just someone I wouldn't want to be in touch with if he was my Dad either. My Nephew's half brother was also a child when this man went to prison. He kept in touch with him. My Sister and he had a conversation after he got out of prison. She asked if he had seen his son (I'll call him George) yet, "Yeah I saw George, he's gotten so fat."

That's seriously what he said, he hadn't seen him in 10 years and that's what he said. He is and has always been very shallow.

I hope all of this makes sense. I know it's a long confusing story. Sometimes you just have to lay all the cards on the table and tell people like it is. It's not easy but that's what needs to be sometimes.
 
hoss2576 said:
For several years I worked in an intervention program, and I loved every aspect of it. I got to help people improve their lives. One of the things we all were taught is how we had to remain objective, but after spending a lot of time with clients it felt like you couldn't help but be personally invested in their lives and what happens to them. After years of it, it became impossible for me to stay objective.

An example: I would be talking to a female client (19 yrs old) about medication options she had in her treatment program, but I mentioned she couldn't utilize most of them if she was pregnant. She stated she believed she was, so I told her then we would continue with all of the non-medication parts of treatment. The next week, she returned and announced she was not pregnant. I said, okay, we can try the medication. The following week, she returned and guess what? She thought she was pregnant again. This proceeded for two more weeks. In theory I am just not to address this part of her life because it was in a way a "judgment" and not part of her treatment. However the last time we played the pregnant/ not pregnant conversation, I commented, "They know how to prevent that now." She gave a response that nearly made me fall out of my chair.

See her intervention program was no longer my sole concern. She had so many areas of her life that needed improvement, and she wanted help on. She was totally lost though. I ended of leaving the job due to just being so overwhelmed with seeing these people who had multiple problems, where I was investing myself to the point it was hurting me.

So here is the question. Have you ever kept helping someone and invested yourself into them and it got to the point where it was to your own detriment? Has it felt like you were doing all of this investing into someone to help them, but they weren't really making the effort though they requested the help? Does there come a point that you have to just stop and "cut your losses" so to speak? If you do stop helping, how do you tell the person without worsening their situation?
Click to expand...

Yes, I have had to cut my losses a few times to save myself from bad investments of my precious time.
 
It's very hard to cut your losses when you deeply care for the person involved. I do have a friend like that..... I don't feel like I can help him with his issues but I'll always try to be there for him...

In other cases I've shed many tears over people who acted like they didn't care..... even though I did care about them I did cut my losses. I don't regret it either cause I was hurting for them over stuff they didn't care about anymore.
 
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waterlily said:
Sometimes God requires us to walk a part of the journey with people. To be faithful to what He has called us to do. sow the seeds of mercy, grace and kindness then leave the ultimate outcome to Him. We have to have faith that what God has begun in people He will accomplish in His own timing and His own way if we let Him.

we live in a lost and broken world, a world that will never satisfy and yet we keep seeking the answers in things that will ultimately bring more harm than good. Only God is the way, the truth and all life. We have to let God be God to the lost and broken and let the spirit of God work through us, then have the faith to release them into His care.

I have been on both sides of this coin.. I have been the broken girl who desperately needed the love and healing touch of God and there came a time when God required that I comfort with the love that He has comforted me with. As someone who has received many loving kindnesses from people, what you do.. how little it may seem to you.. matters. But God requires us to put up Godly limits and be completely surrendered to Gods will.

Thank you for your heart for people. im sorry you have felt overwhelmed with people having multiple issues. I pray that the Lord restores your hope and your love. As for walking away from a person who is demanding too much and hurting you. you simply walk in the truth.. you explain that and if they cant accept it.. then you are accountable to God for your choices not man.. and if you walk in truth ..God will honour you.

Bless you in Jesus name

Amen
Click to expand...

THIS. This was really nicely said. Sometimes you just plant the seed, yes?
 
Roh_Chris said:
This is a good question Hoss. I have experienced such situations before, though only in personal relationships.

By nature, I am a mix of ENTF/INTF. That means that I am more inclined towards feelings than judgements (about 11% more towards feelings). This has enabled me to empathise with people when they face difficult situations. For e.g. I can read about a rape in the news and be overcome by anguish. So when people come to me with their problems, I go overboard to help them. If someone wanted some help, I would go to the extent of putting them through to the right people who can solve it. Lately though, I have realised that this is unnecessary. Very few people know how to appreciate a timely help and fewer follow it.

So I have now decided that I will be brief in my advice. If person A comes to me with a problem, I would give a short advice on what must be done. I will give them the option of coming back to me if they need more help. In 9 out 10 cases, they would not because that may not be the advice they want to hear. That is good because I save my time, me efforts and my emotions. For the 10th person who comes, I will be more than happy to help them through it.

This is what I do when I am in such a circumstance. I hope it helps. :)
Click to expand...
I'm very similar as a result of being used by friends and family and was hurt deeply in the process.

And like Chris, I've learned not to give any advice unless a person specifically asks me for it because most of the time they just want to vent but not necessarily fix the problem or are just not ready to accept it yet.

However, no matter what... Always show kindness and love in all your responses because it is our duty to reflect Christ.

As I have told a friend before... My nature is that I care deeply for people who walk into my life... And this has been a strength and a weakness of mine. I am learning the boundaries because if I don't, I'll eventually get hurt too much and just won't be able to be emotionally close to anyone anymore.
 
Raine said:
I'm very similar as a result of being used by friends and family and was hurt deeply in the process.

And like Chris, I've learned not to give any advice unless a person specifically asks me for it because most of the time they just want to vent but not necessarily fix the problem or are just not ready to accept it yet.

However, no matter what... Always show kindness and love in all your responses because it is our duty to reflect Christ.

As I have told a friend before... My nature is that I care deeply for people who walk into my life... And this has been a strength and a weakness of mine. I am learning the boundaries because if I don't, I'll eventually get hurt too much and just won't be able to be emotionally close to anyone anymore.
Click to expand...


This is exactly what I go through. People often share their difficulties with me. I lend them a patient ear but the problem is what I do after that. I start to consider that problem as mine and I get involved in it. I give them advice, start working on it, all that. Eventually they appear indifferent to my suggestions or they disappear. That leaves me upset because my efforts were in vain. So now I don't do that anymore. I still lend them a crying shoulder. But that's about it. If they need anything more, they will have to ask me.

I feel that it is just not worth giving advices if it falls on deaf ears.
 
I'm a caseworker at a residential rehab centre for people with addiction. I used to work here a couple of years ago too and I got pretty close to burning out due to taking on the other peoples issues. I now take the approach of I'm here to help them with the work they need to do, but not do the work for them. I'm not the type of person that operates in a clinical way, so I do really care about these people, so I will throw my personal opinion in sometimes and go outside of the clinical treatment model, but I also listen for and wait on God for discernment in what to say and do. Thankfully working with for The Salvation Army, that is encouraged. :)
 
Roh_Chris said:
This is exactly what I go through. People often share their difficulties with me. I lend them a patient ear but the problem is what I do after that. I start to consider that problem as mine and I get involved in it. I give them advice, start working on it, all that. Eventually they appear indifferent to my suggestions or they disappear. That leaves me upset because my efforts were in vain. So now I don't do that anymore. I still lend them a crying shoulder. But that's about it. If they need anything more, they will have to ask me.

I feel that it is just not worth giving advices if it falls on deaf ears.
Click to expand...
Exactly. I believe that when their heart is ready for a positive change, God will set up an opportunity to share or God will move them to ask for advice. Sometimes if I'm not sure, I'll just ask them lol. Did you just want me to listen or were you looking for advice? Lol. I am still helping those who hurt me before, but no longer am I getting involved emotionally and I am learning to put away my expectations.
 
Raine said:
I am still helping those who hurt me before, but no longer am I getting involved emotionally and I am learning to put away my expectations.
Click to expand...

Expectations. That word just scares me these days. I have learnt from such experiences that expectations only lead to disappointments.

Talking about expectations, that is why I prefer working with machines or animals. They rarely disappoint because they always do what their nature/program tells them to do. A dog will always love, bark, wag its tail and go crazy for a bone/ball. Machines work on switches and switches either have 1 or 0 (not the fuzzy logic, because that is just messed up). It is easy to work with machines because when you switch it on, you expect it to run and it does! Unless of course there is something wrong with it. Humans are just a confused mess. You do good to somebody and you will expect them to appreciate it, even if they don't return it. But they sometimes don't!

I think humans were created to work in two areas - black or white. But now, thanks to moral relativism and what not, we work in everything from black to grey to purple to yellow to white. It has become difficult to work with humans unless you can keep your expectations aside.
 
Roh_Chris said:
Expectations. That word just scares me these days. I have learnt from such experiences that expectations only lead to disappointments.

Talking about expectations, that is why I prefer working with machines or animals. They rarely disappoint because they always do what their nature/program tells them to do. A dog will always love, bark, wag its tail and go crazy for a bone/ball. Machines work on switches and switches either have 1 or 0 (not the fuzzy logic, because that is just messed up). It is easy to work with machines because when you switch it on, you expect it to run and it does! Unless of course there is something wrong with it. Humans are just a confused mess. You do good to somebody and you will expect them to appreciate it, even if they don't return it. But they sometimes don't!

I think humans were created to work in two areas - black or white. But now, thanks to moral relativism and what not, we work in everything from black to grey to purple to yellow to white. It has become difficult to work with humans unless you can keep your expectations aside.
Click to expand...
Yes. :). And expecting appreciation is another expectation that we should put away. Why do they need to appreciate us? It is enough that God sees all we do. Our motive should not be from expecting a show of appreciation but rather we do it because we know that God would be pleased and smile upon us.
 
Raine said:
Yes. :). And expecting appreciation is another expectation that we should put away. Why do they need to appreciate us? It is enough that God sees all we do. Our motive should not be from expecting a show of appreciation but rather we do it because we know that God would be pleased and smile upon us.
Click to expand...

I agree that our appreciation must come from God and not from the men around. But I think that is only in certain situations. For things I do in my physical life - like working in a company, completing a project for a friend, advising somebody on their career, etc. I look for appreciation. As much as I will not work for free for my manager, I will not involve in an activity where I am not appreciated for it. It is because I look at such activities as an exchange of value - I give my inputs in exchange for something in return, like a 'Thank You', an acceptance, an appreciation, a hug, etc. Even being in a relationship comes here because I do not believe in loving somebody for free when they cannot appreciate or return it.

That being said, there are activities I do not look for appreciation. For e.g. praying for somebody who is in need, helping a blind man cross the road, sharing the Gospel with somebody who needs it, chatting up a man if he looks like he's having a rough time, etc. I cannot define which situation requires an appreciation and which does not, so I can only give a broad idea.
 
So, when I said that I do not involve myself if I feel I am not appreciated for it, I was referring to my first category of activities. This is out of context, nevertheless I would like to quote it here - (Matthew 7:6, KJV)"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." I know that this is out of context in this thread, and I also wish to clarify that I am not calling those who do not appreciate my inputs as swine. In certain situations, this verse can be applicable even for non-spiritual activities.

(The 5-minute rule caught me!)
 
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