Dating Single Parents

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hoss2576

hoss2576

Senior Member
May 10, 2014
552
23
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Several years ago, I dated a woman who had a 10 year old autistic daughter. It was a really good relationship, but eventually we discovered we had different goals. After we broke up, not only did I have to deal with the loss of the relationship with the woman, but also the daughter. Even worse for me, I learned that the little girl would keep asking why I wasn't coming around anymore, and it hurt to think about. It wasn't that I didn't want to be around the daughter, but her mom was now looking for new relationships, and she felt any continued interaction would be confusing. I agreed.

Afterwards I set up a new rule for myself about dating single moms. It isn't a hard and fast rule, but I try to hold to it. I try to make sure that I limit/refrain from interaction with her child/children for the first three months of the relationship. I have decided that for me three months will let me know if a relationship has true long term potential or not so by then I will know if I want to keep pursuing the relationship. I think it protects my emotional well being as well as her child/children's well being.

How have others dealt with dating single parents? Did they have boundaries or rules about meeting his/her child? If you are a single parent, how do you set boundaries in concerning relationships and your kids? Have you ever bonded with a single parent's child then have the relationship end, and how did you deal with it?
 
I personally will not date a single parent- not that there's anything wrong with that but because I'm just 22. I'm not prepared for any form of a parental role. I believe a parent should keep their dating life private until they can form some sort of stability in the kids life.
 
hoss2576 said:
Several years ago, I dated a woman who had a 10 year old autistic daughter. It was a really good relationship, but eventually we discovered we had different goals. After we broke up, not only did I have to deal with the loss of the relationship with the woman, but also the daughter. Even worse for me, I learned that the little girl would keep asking why I wasn't coming around anymore, and it hurt to think about. It wasn't that I didn't want to be around the daughter, but her mom was now looking for new relationships, and she felt any continued interaction would be confusing. I agreed.

Afterwards I set up a new rule for myself about dating single moms. It isn't a hard and fast rule, but I try to hold to it. I try to make sure that I limit/refrain from interaction with her child/children for the first three months of the relationship. I have decided that for me three months will let me know if a relationship has true long term potential or not so by then I will know if I want to keep pursuing the relationship. I think it protects my emotional well being as well as her child/children's well being.

How have others dealt with dating single parents? Did they have boundaries or rules about meeting his/her child? If you are a single parent, how do you set boundaries in concerning relationships and your kids? Have you ever bonded with a single parent's child then have the relationship end, and how did you deal with it?
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That is not a bad philosophy to have but the children may still choose to interact with you. If I were the one with the children I would consider it critical that my prospective mate love my children also as well as myself. My late wife had adult children that I love but her son caused me great problems and was a source of stress for many years as he figured that since I was married to his mother that I now was totally responsible to feed him and to provide shelter indefinitely. He did not work. I made it clear to him that we had two separate unique relationship going on in our family and what I provided to him was out of love in my heart and not out of a sense of obligation. I still have contact with the 'children' but I also have my own life to live. The best thing that I can do for them now is to pray for them. I know that they hurt from the loss of their mother but I have to deal with my hurt as I have lost my wife.
 
Hoss, it is truly a heart breaking experience isn't it?

My ex and I dated for about 5 years and he had three kids. His son lived with him and his daughters lived with their mom. I tried my best to love them as my own. Their father did not grow up in a good home and did not really know how to do fun and productive activities but I grew up in a good family and I wanted them to have everything I had. I bought them things, a bunk bed, took pictures of them and blew them up really nice and hung them up. We baked together, took them to the park, our best moments was when we went to the pool and lake. Took so many underwater pictures. :). I bonded with his son the most because we both knew how frustrating his dad could be and understood each other that way. He was 12 at the time. I would help him with homework a lot and we would go in walks together, the three of us... He was a good kid; but his dad and I were too different. I completely disagreed with the way he lived his lifestyle and how he raised his kids. I knew he grew up poorly but he was also lazy and selfish and I found many times where he put his own selfish desires before his kids and I did not agree with this.

I think your boundary idea is a good one. I wish I had done it... Might even wait 6 months as it takes time to see a person's real nature. And I think it gives you time to discover if you have real compatibility before you bring in another's feelings into the equation.

I believe that one of the reasons I stayed with him for so long was because I loved his kids... Even tho he couldn't see it until after our final break up... He was obviously ignorant... I never got to say goodbye to his girls, but I remember saying goodbye to his son. I felt like he deserved to know why we broke up and I remembered how much he cried and I wanted to break down too but had to remain strong. I told him to never blame himself for it. He said he was crying because he would miss me. I felt horrible leaving him alone with his dad... I really did want to remain in contact with his kids but he would not allow it. Now he us married and maybe it was for the best that I did not keep in contact. Even now when I run into pictures of how big his kids are now I feel emotional and proud of how fast they've grown. I don't look up pictures but I have friends who are still friends with him so I see them sometimes in my Facebook feed.

On the other hand, it gave me good insight on the kind of mom I will be and I realized how hard and confusing it is to be a parent lol. It's definitely a big job!
 
I had a rule when I attempting to date as a single mother.......I never talked about my girls to my dates.....
they knew I had children ......but that was all.....as you said my dating life was for me not them...
if at some point I felt that we wanted to think of marriage.....then he could meet my girls....
Besides I wasnt about to teach my girls that bringing different men in and out of our home...
would be the way to act.....I did find only one man to meet them....but that was as far as it goes....
the fact that I had girls was even harder ......because I dont trust no man alone with my girls....
But it also is true for young men.....all I know is im still single....because I gave up trying...
And I focused on God.....im happy and at times got more love than anyone deserves....
this is a good thread....thank you ....a topic that needs dicussion...
peace..
 
Raine said:
Hoss, it is truly a heart breaking experience isn't it?

My ex and I dated for about 5 years and he had three kids. His son lived with him and his daughters lived with their mom. I tried my best to love them as my own. Their father did not grow up in a good home and did not really know how to do fun and productive activities but I grew up in a good family and I wanted them to have everything I had. I bought them things, a bunk bed, took pictures of them and blew them up really nice and hung them up. We baked together, took them to the park, our best moments was when we went to the pool and lake. Took so many underwater pictures. :). I bonded with his son the most because we both knew how frustrating his dad could be and understood each other that way. He was 12 at the time. I would help him with homework a lot and we would go in walks together, the three of us... He was a good kid; but his dad and I were too different. I completely disagreed with the way he lived his lifestyle and how he raised his kids. I knew he grew up poorly but he was also lazy and selfish and I found many times where he put his own selfish desires before his kids and I did not agree with this.

I think your boundary idea is a good one. I wish I had done it... Might even wait 6 months as it takes time to see a person's real nature. And I think it gives you time to discover if you have real compatibility before you bring in another's feelings into the equation.

I believe that one of the reasons I stayed with him for so long was because I loved his kids... Even tho he couldn't see it until after our final break up... He was obviously ignorant... I never got to say goodbye to his girls, but I remember saying goodbye to his son. I felt like he deserved to know why we broke up and I remembered how much he cried and I wanted to break down too but had to remain strong. I told him to never blame himself for it. He said he was crying because he would miss me. I felt horrible leaving him alone with his dad... I really did want to remain in contact with his kids but he would not allow it. Now he us married and maybe it was for the best that I did not keep in contact. Even now when I run into pictures of how big his kids are now I feel emotional and proud of how fast they've grown. I don't look up pictures but I have friends who are still friends with him so I see them sometimes in my Facebook feed.

On the other hand, it gave me good insight on the kind of mom I will be and I realized how hard and confusing it is to be a parent lol. It's definitely a big job!
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Sister raine.....you are gonna be the best mom ever........a heart of gold my girl....
 
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I dated three different men and tried to keep my kids out of it as much as possible, so I can see what you are saying is good. I wanted my dating separate from my home life until I knew it was the right man, which none of them were.
 
Raine said:
Hoss, it is truly a heart breaking experience isn't it?

My ex and I dated for about 5 years and he had three kids. His son lived with him and his daughters lived with their mom. I tried my best to love them as my own. Their father did not grow up in a good home and did not really know how to do fun and productive activities but I grew up in a good family and I wanted them to have everything I had. I bought them things, a bunk bed, took pictures of them and blew them up really nice and hung them up. We baked together, took them to the park, our best moments was when we went to the pool and lake. Took so many underwater pictures. :). I bonded with his son the most because we both knew how frustrating his dad could be and understood each other that way. He was 12 at the time. I would help him with homework a lot and we would go in walks together, the three of us... He was a good kid; but his dad and I were too different. I completely disagreed with the way he lived his lifestyle and how he raised his kids. I knew he grew up poorly but he was also lazy and selfish and I found many times where he put his own selfish desires before his kids and I did not agree with this.

I think your boundary idea is a good one. I wish I had done it... Might even wait 6 months as it takes time to see a person's real nature. And I think it gives you time to discover if you have real compatibility before you bring in another's feelings into the equation.

I believe that one of the reasons I stayed with him for so long was because I loved his kids... Even tho he couldn't see it until after our final break up... He was obviously ignorant... I never got to say goodbye to his girls, but I remember saying goodbye to his son. I felt like he deserved to know why we broke up and I remembered how much he cried and I wanted to break down too but had to remain strong. I told him to never blame himself for it. He said he was crying because he would miss me. I felt horrible leaving him alone with his dad... I really did want to remain in contact with his kids but he would not allow it. Now he us married and maybe it was for the best that I did not keep in contact. Even now when I run into pictures of how big his kids are now I feel emotional and proud of how fast they've grown. I don't look up pictures but I have friends who are still friends with him so I see them sometimes in my Facebook feed.

On the other hand, it gave me good insight on the kind of mom I will be and I realized how hard and confusing it is to be a parent lol. It's definitely a big job!
Click to expand...

This is a very touching story. His kids were most fortunate for having you in their lives and it will have a lasting spiritual impact in their lives. It is never easy to say goodbye to young children so I would just avoid doing so, more for my sake than for the children involved in these types of relationships. You can only take so much heartbreak.
 
ww_21 said:
I personally will not date a single parent- not that there's anything wrong with that but because I'm just 22. I'm not prepared for any form of a parental role. I believe a parent should keep their dating life private until they can form some sort of stability in the kids life.
Click to expand...

Good point!

Many girls / women here think those they like have to share that role and I think it wrong: They have their biological dads, even they don´t like them morally or economically (and these last are the most my country).

I have seen young men having children, at least one, and it be nice you knew one. at least. That will spare some ladies troubles, before they get pregnant. How do you know the person you liked or engaged? Sharing your personal life with them. If they have children, widowed, separated or divorced, you would know them for "free". Once you know them better, you could have your own children, your real family better.

Note: If a man has too many children or these are from diferent "wife", be caraful! He is not your man. He could be somewhat promiscuos. (Same "rule" applies for ladies: The more they have, the more "husbands" they got... Red Flags!)
 
i've dated a few single dads, becaming rather close to one, and quite attached to his kids. some observations:

while i didn't really have issues with his behavior with me, i thought he was a very inattentive father and was too interested in keeping the peace (or maintaining the status quo) to actually be an engaged parent, (i.e. his daughter was a bit of a brat and he would just ignore it).

observing that actually helped me to see some behavior in him that wasn't readily obvious without that perspective. for example, he'd be the kind of guy who'd let grievances pile up rather than deal with a problem as it presented itself. essentially, poor communication and conflict resolution skills. ugh.

looking back, it was probably my attachment to his kids that kept me with him longer than i would've stayed, otherwise.

in my own experience, i've noticed that single parents are often in a huge hurry to remarry. they have been the ones who want to rush everything -- at least that was true for my single dad experiences. consequently, that has mildly soured me on single dads, though i'm sure that it isn't true for ALL.

i like the three month "rule" you have, hoss. if i date another single dad, i might adopt that for myself. the last thing i need is to have more people(s) feelings to consider (and be overly motivated by) when trying to do the right thing. : ).
 
I won't do it. im not interested in a premade family. if I am going to deal with a kid then im going to be the one making it.
 
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