@ VCO
"My born again Christian Life began, the hard way. I had to hit BOTTOM Face first before I learned to look up. On Christmas Eve 1977, my wife of only six months, Demanded a divorce; because "You are never going to earn enough money to buy me what I want in life." I had a good job, working the night shift at the Post Office, so her excuse hit me HARD. The following week I spiraled into deep depression and attempted suicide three times.
The first two times I had a pistol against my head with the trigger half pulled, when a TERROR overwhelmed me, NOT fear of dying, because that is exactly what I wanted to do; specifically I wanted to cease to exist. But this was a TERROR that was way beyond what man holding a knife to my throat could ever cause. And it was that TERROR of KNOWING that HELL was for real and forever, and I was about to walk in, that caused me to drop that pistol both times. The third time I got as drunk as I could get without passing out, and went out to arrange a fatal motorcycle accident for myself. That afternoon I saw them pouring lots of gravel on a previously non-graveled dirt road. I knew the most dangerous thing to ride a bike on was loose gravel. I am extremely ashamed of what happened next, and frequently just leave this part out of my testimony.
Even though I knew the Bible said, "Thou shalt not tempt the LORD thy God", I actually taunted HIM. As I approached that mile of loose gravel with NO HELMET on; I looked up at the sky and taunted HIM, "If you want me, you can take my life anywhere that you want on this mile! I don't want to live to see another day!" I leaned out over the handle bars, making sure the throttle was wide open, because I wanted to hit head first at full speed when I lost control. The whole mile the bike never even wobbled a bit, it ran as smooth as if I was on pavement. I hit the end of that mile, and came out on the black top road. Backing my throttle off, I slowly went home and and sat up the rest of the night trying to figure out what happened.
After I had sobered up, I was walking into my bedroom about 5:00 AM, when it hit me. I cannot ride a bike like that even sober. A wave of GUILT washed over me, dropping me to my knees. Guilt for not only attempting suicide, but also for my utterly sinful lifestyle. I found myself on my knees weeping uncontrollably, and crying out to the Lord my GOD: "Lord forgive me! If you have a purpose for my life, then you are going to have to come into my heart and run my life, because I can't do it! I am making a total mess of it!" I knew in my heart that I was surrendering total control to Jesus Christ forever, as my Lord and MASTER.
I continued sobbing and crying uncontrollably for at least another half hour or so, as I was now laying face down on the floor. Early during that half hour of time I had a dream or vision that changed everything in me. I was kneeling at the foot of the cross looking up at HIM sobbing continuous tears, knowing that my sins put HIM there. It was like each sin added another one pound weight on Him, pulling down on those nails in HIS HANDS. That dream or vision was unbelievably VIVID. As I looked up begging HIM to forgive me, I saw blood fall from both of his wrists, and it landed on both of my forearms. I could even feel the warmth of that blood. I instantly knew that it was that blood that had forgiven me, all of my sins.
YES that same night, the HOLY SPIRIT came into my heart, and HE certainly poured LOVE for GOD into my heart. IT WAS NEVER REALLY THERE BEFORE, even though I was a church goer all of my life. I soon discovered an intense HUNGER to hear the word of GOD taught, and thankfully one night at work I got extremely bored with my COUNTRY music station on my headset radio, and changed the station. I discovered a program by Dr. John MacArthur called "GRACE TO YOU", and I could not get enough of that style of Bible Teaching. I also discovered that the more of that good sound Bible Teaching that I took in, the MORE IT CHANGED ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT.
HOW REAL and INTIMATE is my personal relationship with Jesus Christ as LORD and MASTER? I never could have imagined anything this REAL and Intimate, and my heart bubbles over with Joy, just thinking about it. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that HE is in me and that I am in him. I LOVE HIM more that anyone or anything on this earth. And our conversations through my thoughts come from the heart, and are frequently several times a day. PLUS He has blessed me with a wife that Loves HIM more than me! We have been married 35 years now, and Jesus Christ always come first and our spouse always comes second. Yes it is hard to find the suitable words to describe the intense relationship between me and my LORD, Jesus Christ. But Soon and Very Soon, we are going to see our KING!"
I can relate with you on this so much brother. I have my testimony posted in the correct section for more details. It was over loss, but not of a girl. I to had to want death so very bad before He saved me. The only thing that kept me from cutting my wrist was my sons, I was in bad shape for sure. But He still saved me, no matter how angry I was, or anything else. It seems once I realized I could no longer handle it all on my own, and had completely killed any pride I had in myself and I came to the realization that I could no longer handle it on my own at all. That's when the miracle happened and He picked my dead self up off the floor. That's how intimate my relationship is with Him. He's my Savior, my redeemer, my one way. He is all, and though this feeble person can never hope to bring even a glimpse of the glory He deserves, I will still try the rest of my life here. That's how intimate. Bless you brother for sharing His glory in your life. I can relate.
