Confused and hurting

Nikki8408 · Oct 6, 2014

My (not sure what to call him anymore) significant other? Have been together for 5+ years. We have two young kids. I was not a christian when we got together but recently accepted Christ. The problem is he hates it. He gets very upset when I want to go to church especially if it is for more than just Sunday morning. He ridicules our son for liking church. I can not read my bible or pray when he is home without causing a fight. We are not married and while I know that if I give him the ultimatum to marry or separate he would marry me I'm not sure that is what we should do. I've sought advice from my pastor and he too is on the fence about how to resolve it, and said he will support either decision. I know living together is wrong and I do not want I continue to disobey God. If we did not have children it would be easy I would walk away. If I chose to separate it will be ugly, he isn't the calmest of men and will use our children and a custody battle to be vindictive. I'm praying about it and searching scripture but feel so lost.

blue_ladybug · Oct 6, 2014

Nikki8408 said:

1.) Maybe one of you could move out, because living together before marriage is a sin. You could arrange times for him to come see the kids, and have another person there also in case he starts trouble.

2.) Pray for him. Prayer does not need to be spoken aloud to be heard. Also, memorize some bible verses and recite them in your head.

3.) It is YOUR choice to go to church as often as you want, regardless of whether he likes it or not. He's not your guardian nor your boss.

4.) If you choose to separate, file papers and ask for full custody of the kids, with SUPERVISED visits for him. If you explain to the judge that he can be violent or let his temper get out of control, then he may grant your request. The courts usually tend to side with the mother in cases like this.

5.) Last but certainly not least, turn this entire situation over to God, and trust that he will make everything fall into place for you. Good luck.

Ugly · Oct 6, 2014

My question is, Christian or not, why would you ever consider marrying this guy? He sounds like a jerk, a control freak and a verbal abuser. Why any pastor would be on the fence, not only about marrying a non-believer, but one that puts you down for your belief, as well as his own children, is beyond me. I get that you have kids, but if you think for one second this marriage will be a happy, long lasting, situation, you're lying to yourself. You'll be miserable in a spiritually oppressive, verbally abusive marriage.

Nikki8408 · Oct 6, 2014

I don't believe that it would be a great relationship. Where both my pastor and I struggle is defining the relationship. Yes we are not married so I would be free to leave but in the same breath we are a family unit and have been such for several years. So are we already bound in God's sight? It's a grey area and has left both my pastor and I struggling for answers. It's clear if there were no children it would simply be a dating relationship and should be ended but since there are children and by all apperences we are married does it change or complicate the situation? There is not a clear go to answer in the bible I have found.

LRG · Oct 6, 2014

Nikki8408 said:

The Bible says to not be unequally yoked. You are not married so you owe him nothing. But you have kids with him so that makes it a bit complicated. Unless laws have changed you should have preference over the kids but then again nowadays common law is sometimes treated the same as being legally married.

Do you love this man? Are you able and willing to tolerate his intolerance of your faith? What do you think the chances are of him converting to the faith in the future? Please consider all the possibilities before making a final decision. The only problem is the children. If he is willing to marry you then he does love you but you will always be at odds regarding your faith.

I would say as long as he is not out fooling around and an alcoholic or drug addict and if he is basically decent and loves your children then maybe you should marry him. But on the understanding that you are not willing to give up your faith and reading your Bible in front of him or not but that you won't push your faith on him. You never know that in the future he may not feel compelled to convert. And of course you should be praying to God for his salvation as much as you can.

notuptome · Oct 6, 2014

Married or not if the man is verbally or physically abusive you cannot remain in the relationship. What are you teaching the children by living in this kind of unhealthy relationship? How long will it be until he really hurts someone?

These thing do not fix themselves. It takes years of counseling and hard work in prayer and bible study to repair what has been done. Without a Christ centered plan and commitment it is very difficult to see how the ship can be set right.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

LRG · Oct 6, 2014

The poster never said the man is verbally or physically abusive. And arguments are part of marriage. There is always going to be some conflict in a relationship. It is how it is resolved that really matters.

It seems the main problem is that she has converted and he has not. However they already have cohabitated and have children so they are a family unit.

People on here are so quick to make judgements and condemn on something they really know very little about other than what has been stated.

Nikki8408 · Oct 6, 2014

No he is not physically abusive. Our relationship is very bipolar one day it's great and he is a decent guy the next either he has a bad day or something religious comes up( not by me I've learned to keep my mouth shut, but on tv or by friends or the latest was scouts) he gets upset and takes it out on me. I don't call it abuse but it's more than arguments if that makes since? Like I said before if we didn't have kids I would leave. What I guess I'm looking at is our relationship a union in God's eyes? If not then I would be free to leave if so then although he can be a jerk he has been mostly faithful so I would have no grounds to leave.

LRG · Oct 6, 2014

Nikki8408 said:

Marriage is a union in God's eyes.

The only problem is you have children and if you leave how will that affect them? You are a family unit and if you break up unless it is extreme and you really need to everyone is going to be hurt.

What's best for everyone needs to be considered. This man said he would marry you so I would assume he loves you and is committed. Maybe you just need to decide how these differences will be handled regarding your faith.

Maybe he needs to communicate what is really bothering him so that it can be worked on.

I wouldn't break up a family unless it is the last resort.

Love never fails and love endures.

TheClimaxWarrior · Oct 6, 2014

WALK AWAY! QUIETLY! ALLOW THE LORD TO HANDLE THE REST AS HE ALWAYS KNOWS BEST. YOUR CHILDREN DO NOT NEED TO BE A DETRIMENTAL EFFECT. AS THEY ARE IN THEIR LATE TEENS AND HAVE A GREATER UNDERSTANDING AND WISDOM THEY CAN ASK YOU WHY YOU LEFT THAT IS THE BEST TIME TO LET THEM KNOW!

sassylady · Oct 6, 2014

It is not a gray area. Now that you have accepted Christ, you should not be living together. Take steps to do the right thing, even if you are the one who moves out. God will take care of His children, so He will provide for your needs. Marrying at this time would mean you would be unequally yoked.

LRG · Oct 6, 2014

sassylady said:

But, they are a family unit. Even if one is married to an unbeliever the Bible states that the believing spouse is not to leave the unbelieving spouse if the unbelieving spouse is willing to stay in the relationship.

The man is willing to marry the op to make the relationship right.

What is best for everyone needs to be considered and unless it is the last resort why break up a family unit? It can be legitimatized with marriage. He may convert later down the road. She needs to pray for his salvation.

Love never fails and love endures.

Dan58 · Oct 6, 2014

Communication may be part of the problem. You wrote that your being subservient; "I've learned to keep my mouth shut". Spell it out for him, your talking to everyone but the source of the problem! He's making fun and being critical because he doesn't believe in God and thinks its all a big joke that only foolish people buy into. That's disrespectful to you. Have a sit-down and explain that its all very real for you and he needs to respect that fact or your relationship is on the rocks. He doesn't need to believe, but if he's intent on constantly interfering in something that you've chosen to take to heart, it isn't going to end well. That's the ultimatum I'd put on the table. Remember that he's the same as he's always been, your the one who has grown and changed in the relationship, so you've got to explain how you feel and insist that the ridicule stops, for your kids sake as well as your own. If he loves you, he'll comply and respect your request. You might also engage him on the subject and ask him to explain what exactly he hates so much about Jesus? If that doesn't work, put on a burqa and veil and tell him your switching to Islam

I suspect Christianity will seem very preferable after that? Just my two cents

Nikki8408 · Oct 6, 2014

I try to talk to him. When we have a fight and I explain that it is important to me he will either throw a fit (shout curse threaten etc) until I drop it or He will say he is wrong and sorry and all will be fine until the next time. The only way we are getting married is if I force it by ultimatum (we get married or I leave). Is it right to so so?

doll · Oct 6, 2014

I am going through something very similar, if you need to talk you can msg me

I understand how hard it is to leave when you have kids I have two myself. I also know how it is to deal with a vendictive abusive man.

TheClimaxWarrior · Oct 6, 2014

LRG said:

That is not good advice. He is not a Christian. Just because he will marry her doesn't mean things are going to made right because He is not a Christian. And it's plain and obvious to see, he doesn't want to be one!

Imagine if she took your advice it will be nothing but years of pain and turmoil. But, hey apparently you know what's best.

LRG · Oct 6, 2014

Nikki8408 said:

You shouldn't have to do that. He should marry you because he loves you and wants to legitimatize your relationship.

Forcing it would not be right.

Did you have any agreement to marry at a later date when you started living with him?

In order to make things right you should be married so I guess you will have to make a choice regarding this and if you can tolerate his intolerance of your faith.

I don't think conscience will allow you to continue living with him unless you get married so you have basically answered your own question.

LRG · Oct 6, 2014

TheClimaxWarrior said:

There is no need for personal insults. Please stick to the subject. You don't know everything there is to know about this situation and it is ultimately her decision to make since it is her life and not yours.

They should be married. My concern is that they already have a family unit and unless there are extreme problems they should stay together like any other committed family does. Unfortunately because she has lived with this man and has children she is in somewhat of a pickle. It would be a lot simpler if she did not have children.

In the Bible it does state that if you are a believer and married to an unbeliever that the believing spouse is not to leave the unbelieving spouse but if the unbelieving spouse wishes to leave then they are free to do so. She is already yoked with an unbeliever, just not married to him yet. Does she have grounds to leave this man such as unfaithfulness or extreme abuse? Only she knows what is involved and to what extent.

She is responsible for her own decisions and needs to make her own choices since she is going to live with the consequences and not I.

Jamal · Oct 6, 2014

Leaving a long-term relationship with kids because you became a Christian, and he isn't a Christian, is an abominable thing to do. However, it's completely fair if you tell him you don't want to continue cohabitating. Let him the one to say no to being officially married.

As for his lack of faith, don't pressure him. Don't express judgement. Win him over by setting a good example of a Christian woman. Show him support and respect. Don't show him hypocrisy or a holier-than-thou attitude. Don't argue with him (it takes two to argue, and arguing is very damaging to relationships). Remember, as a saint, you're living for God, not for yourself.

If you're not too committed to your current church, consider looking for a more male-friendly church. You want a church where he'd feel more comfortable when he decides to visit. That, among other things, is one where the women don't significantly outnumber the men.

notuptome · Oct 6, 2014

Nikki8408 said:

Is this the way you want to live? Is this the way you want your children to see their parents act? How long will you walk on egg shells for this man?

If the possibility does not exist to get him into Christian counseling then what hope shall we have?

The bible says that if you are content to stay then stay. Your primary objective is to win him to Christ by your walk with the Lord. Not an easy task and you will need a lot of support.

Don't worry about appearances but place the welfare of the children and your relationship with the Lord at the top of your priority list.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

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