Men: To pursue or not to pursue. Apprehensions? Fears?/ Women: The line

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Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#21
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
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#21
You know....




The real test for all of this is flirting. Yes, I said the F word. Flirting.


You have to know that someone is at least moderately interesting, as well as interested before you ask them out. The more you can really get along with someone, the more likely they are to say yes and things will go well.


That is the point right?


You are looking for someone who you get along with better than everyone else. So, ask the person who enjoys your company already out. Its safe bet.


Plus, its not creepy. If They reject you, oh well. THEY ARE GONNA KNOW why you asked them out. And if they don't its probably because they have other notions about what a relationship looks like and being happy isn't necessarily a priority to them.


tl:dr Flirt, and whoever flirts back, ask out.
 
H

Ho11y

Guest
#24
#24
arwen-undomiel said:
Men: To pursue or not to pursue. Apprehensions? Fears?

Women: When does a guy's pursuing pass the line and enter into 'creep/he seems desperate/needy' territory?
What are defining factors of genuine pursuing vs. creepy? Does it come down to attraction? To a feeling the person gives off? Personality?

I am reminded of the Notebook (yes...), when Noah who is below that girl's social standard, finally wins her over- at first she wants nothing to do with him, but he performs these stunts, goes to great lengths to pursue her and finally it works. Is that how it works?
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If you have to perform these stunts to get someone, would you not have to keep performing them to keep him/her? How exhausting. Things should be a lot easier than that.

In my mind someone pursuing you doesn't get creepy until you've said, ok, i don't like you, but the person keeps at it like you haven't said a word.
 
C

Charcoal

Guest
#25
#25
Ho11y said:
If you have to perform these stunts to get someone, would you not have to keep performing them to keep him/her? How exhausting. Things should be a lot easier than that.
....
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Ever had someone set you up to pursue them as an endless game? Standing your ground and being prepared to welcome them is far less self destructive... though the time comes that you can close the door and focus on things at hand rather than pining over someone that ain't coming back!
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#26
Mar 26, 2014
4,443
2,430
113
#26
arwen-undomiel said:
Women: When does a guy's pursuing pass the line and enter into 'creep/he seems desperate/needy' territory?
What are defining factors of genuine pursuing vs. creepy? Does it come down to attraction? To a feeling the person gives off? Personality?
Click to expand...
Desperate is bringing up the topic of dating before he's spent any time getting to know me or any kind of vibe that he's trying to mark a box on his checklist rather than genuinely interested in me. Creepy is he comes across as his primary interest in having a relationship is sexual and / or I've already turned him down or set boundaries and he ignores them. If you can't respect my wishes and boundaries, you aren't deserving of a second chance.
 
AsifinPassing

AsifinPassing

Senior Member
#27
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
40
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#27
"Your illustrations always point out just what's with me... It's Chapstick, and chapped lips, and things like chemistry!" -Relient K

Anyway, no... I don't really have apprehensions or full-fledged fears per say... It's more of a lingering concern. I don't like hurting people, being hurt, or finding out that the relationship I've fostered is something against God's will.

It's difficult when you love each one...and to some extent, like the Coldplay song, it goes to waste. It's gone...they're gone...but those feelings and memories...good and bad...are yours to relive daily, weekly, yearly...or with whatever frequency, for the rest of your life. Those old hurts can lead to new ones with the person you like now.

It'd be easy enough if it were just the Barney song, I like you, you like me...I love you, you love me...and one day we become a great big happy family. It's not like that. Life's not like that. So, for me...it's not finding anyone...nor finding a particular one...but having the right 'kind' of person for me, also liking and finding that I'm the right kind for them...and God's approval of our union.

Makes me think of A Shipwreck in the Sand album by Silverstein. ^^0 Anyway...so how does that affect pursuit? A lot... I don't really peruse unless I find someone partly interested in perusing me as well as being Perseus themselves...much like a fox, perhaps.
 
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Roh_Chris

Roh_Chris

Senior Member
#28
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
58
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#28
As a man, I do have an apprehension when pursuing a woman. Women sometimes send out conflicting signals so it is difficult to arrive at a logical conclusion.

It is a difficult question to answer. There is no thumb rule to apply because people are different.
 
J

jeremyPJ

Guest
#29
#29
Charcoal said:
Ever had someone set you up to pursue them as an endless game? Standing your ground and being prepared to welcome them is far less self destructive... though the time comes that you can close the door and focus on things at hand rather than pining over someone that ain't coming back!
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Yes, I have. She was stunningly beautiful, and she kept asking me out every week, for three or four weeks. And the day before our "date" she would back out, saying she had plans to go hang out with her close friend. I also worked with her sister and her husband, they were nice folks and encouraged me. Her sister's husband said that indeed she was going out partying with her friend every weekend, and it disappointed him. I think she was afraid to go outside her old boundaries. There were women there who she would make plans to do out partying with on the weekends, she changed plans the day before with them also, just as she did me...Her brother in law really wanted us to work out, but...

Bottom line is she couldn't leave her comfort zone.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#30
Mar 13, 2014
42,712
17,173
113
70
Tennessee
#30
jeremyPJ said:
Yes, I have. She was stunningly beautiful, and she kept asking me out every week, for three or four weeks. And the day before our "date" she would back out, saying she had plans to go hang out with her close friend. I also worked with her sister and her husband, they were nice folks and encouraged me. Her sister's husband said that indeed she was going out partying with her friend every weekend, and it disappointed him. I think she was afraid to go outside her old boundaries. There were women there who she would make plans to do out partying with on the weekends, she changed plans the day before with them also, just as she did me...Her brother in law really wanted us to work out, but...

Bottom line is she couldn't leave her comfort zone.
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Eventually, her comfort zone is going to turn into the Twilight Zone.
 
JesusLives

JesusLives

Senior Member
#31
Oct 11, 2013
14,554
2,176
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#31
After 40 I just gave up the whole thing and just came on this site for Christian fellowship and Bible discussion, but then there was a PM and a little bit of a pursuing toward me? I was surprised and a little curious so I studied a profile and followed that interest in their postings and found him to have a personality close to my own and humor to match. After a few PM's they stopped and I let it go as I was not really pursuing and had not intended or known I could draw up any interest as I had given up.

Then there was that lonely post and I sent a PM and went out on a limb giving my phone number which did not get called right away and I was o.k. with that. But the PM's started up again and I continued to respond. I fell for the heart and personality way before knowing anything else, but I would say that it was an equal interest and pursuing going back and forth. By the time we met in real life we were both hooked and the rest is history. Pursuing is an important part of a relationship and it is best if it is on equal terms and not lopsided.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#32
Mar 13, 2014
42,712
17,173
113
70
Tennessee
#32
JesusLives said:
After 40 I just gave up the whole thing and just came on this site for Christian fellowship and Bible discussion, but then there was a PM and a little bit of a pursuing toward me? I was surprised and a little curious so I studied a profile and followed that interest in their postings and found him to have a personality close to my own and humor to match. After a few PM's they stopped and I let it go as I was not really pursuing and had not intended or known I could draw up any interest as I had given up.

Then there was that lonely post and I sent a PM and went out on a limb giving my phone number which did not get called right away and I was o.k. with that. But the PM's started up again and I continued to respond. I fell for the heart and personality way before knowing anything else, but I would say that it was an equal interest and pursuing going back and forth. By the time we met in real life we were both hooked and the rest is history. Pursuing is an important part of a relationship and it is best if it is on equal terms and not lopsided.
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It was quite a chase but in the end we caught up to each other. You are fascinating and captivating and my thoughts are always cascading and bubbling over for you.
 
N

Nick01

Senior Member
#33
Jul 15, 2013
1,272
26
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#33
I have a coupla questions to all the gals on this thread - first dates.

If a guy asks you out on one, what are valid reasons for knocking it back?

Would you be more likely to go out on a first date with a guy, but then progressively become more 'demanding' (in the sense that the more dates you go on, the more you need to actually feel you could be in a relationship with a guy), or would you be more 'discerning' at the outset, only dating guys you've already formed an opinion on?
 
Trailblazer

Trailblazer

Senior Member
#34
Sep 8, 2014
432
31
18
#34
JesusLives said:
After 40 I just gave up the whole thing and just came on this site for Christian fellowship and Bible discussion, but then there was a PM and a little bit of a pursuing toward me? I was surprised and a little curious so I studied a profile and followed that interest in their postings and found him to have a personality close to my own and humor to match. After a few PM's they stopped and I let it go as I was not really pursuing and had not intended or known I could draw up any interest as I had given up.

Then there was that lonely post and I sent a PM and went out on a limb giving my phone number which did not get called right away and I was o.k. with that. But the PM's started up again and I continued to respond. I fell for the heart and personality way before knowing anything else, but I would say that it was an equal interest and pursuing going back and forth. By the time we met in real life we were both hooked and the rest is history. Pursuing is an important part of a relationship and it is best if it is on equal terms and not lopsided.
Click to expand...
I was tempted to post that I do not pursue. I agree with you're post. It really is a 50/50 or 60/40 balance. Its the same thing with seeking out a new job. "Without balance" No female or potential job prospect is doing me a favor by me being with them, or allowing me to work for them.

Meeting a female for the first time on a blind date. Or after that first smile and eye contact while crossing paths with
a female in a store, etc. If she does not show some interest, have a little fun, or show a little smile or something.
That is a total flame out for me. There is nothing there to pursue. I am usually thankful that I found this out now, then to waste one of my weekends with them.
 
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T

Tiffins

Guest
#35
#35
I don't really speak to any men outside of CC so the only men that pursue me aren't Christian and just see me in the routine of my days. I don't really give men a chance to pursue me in the first place. Once they show their interest, I change my routine so I no longer have to see them...complete avoidance I know...but this way no one has a chance to be creepy and I don't have to deal with the pressure of dating. It's been 3 years and when the time comes God is just gonna have to teach me how to not look at men like vultures.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#36
Mar 26, 2014
4,443
2,430
113
#36
Nick01 said:
I have a coupla questions to all the gals on this thread - first dates.

If a guy asks you out on one, what are valid reasons for knocking it back?

Would you be more likely to go out on a first date with a guy, but then progressively become more 'demanding' (in the sense that the more dates you go on, the more you need to actually feel you could be in a relationship with a guy), or would you be more 'discerning' at the outset, only dating guys you've already formed an opinion on?
Click to expand...
Assuming you already know me at least a little bit (there is almost nothing that would induce me to spend 1 on 1 time with a complete stranger so if you don't know me, find a way to get around me in a group setting), your best bet will be not to call it a date. Calling it a date is going to add all kinds of pressure and spook me. Just bring up something you are going to do (or wait for me to talk about what I'm doing) and then if it is of interest to both parties suggest that maybe it would be fun to do it together. I'm not nearly as uncomfortable at hanging out with a guy as I am with the pressure of putting it in the box labeled dating. If we can hang out together and have a great time several times then maybe you can bring up the D word or find some way to ask if I would be interested in more than friendship.
 
J

jb

Senior Member
#37
Feb 27, 2010
4,940
592
113
#37
arwen-undomiel said:
Men: To pursue or not to pursue. Apprehensions? Fears?

Women: When does a guy's pursuing pass the line and enter into 'creep/he seems desperate/needy' territory?
What are defining factors of genuine pursuing vs. creepy? Does it come down to attraction? To a feeling the person gives off? Personality?

I am reminded of the Notebook (yes...), when Noah who is below that girl's social standard, finally wins her over- at first she wants nothing to do with him, but he performs these stunts, goes to great lengths to pursue her and finally it works. Is that how it works?
Click to expand...
If the picture on your profile is you...

You can chase me anytime! Lol
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#40
Aug 13, 2014
27,832
9,738
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#40
But you can still bear arms. Can you arm bears?
 
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