From what I have read I would say that you have been an excellent wife and mother. There are those things that a good husband does for his wife and it is obvious that he is deficient and goes out of his way to hurt you. Your husband lacks love in his heart for you, if he had a God given love in his heart to give to you he would not have been unfaithful. Your story is heartbreaking and I have said more prayer for you being in this horrible situation.
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T
When separated, are you allowed to "date"? I ask because he used to swear up and down that when people separated they were no longer a couple so it wasn't cheating. He has since changed his stance and when a male friend (I emphasize friend) suggested he take me out for a night on the town, my husband flipped out and is mad at me for not shutting the guy down. First of all he shouldn't have been on my computer, but regardless, I don't know what he does all night. I don't know who he is talking to or seeing. I don't even know where he lives. He hasn't worn his wedding ring in months (I haven't either but it wasn't for the same reason mine was because I had a wound).
We are in counseling... we have a christian marriage encounter next month. However I don't know if after all of this I am going to survive as a whole person myself. I am so tired of crying and being alone. I am so tired of feeling like I am the one screwing up all the time...
We are in counseling... we have a christian marriage encounter next month. However I don't know if after all of this I am going to survive as a whole person myself. I am so tired of crying and being alone. I am so tired of feeling like I am the one screwing up all the time...
U
Separated is still married. You can date when you aren't married. Separated just means 'living apart' and taking time off. Doesn't mean you're no longer married. If you wouldn't do something when you are 'together' as a married couple, then you should follow those guidelines for being separated.
But i am curious as to why you brought marital problems to the singles, and not the family forums.
But i am curious as to why you brought marital problems to the singles, and not the family forums.
It's okay Tears, you can come here of course. And... being separated does NOT make you incomplete. *HUGS*
You are right, it definitely sounds like he's having an affair. I read once that a large majority of the time in cases where one spouse moves out like this, there is another man/woman involved. By telling you that it's temporary, he is keeping his options open. He can always just come back to you. He can leave you in this terrible limbo forever - if you let him. That's where you need to be strong and tell him he has to make a decision.
He can have his family, or he can have whatever-else-he's-pursuing. If he chooses not to move back in and devote himself to his family, then it's time to distance yourself from him. Don't chat with him, have him over for dinner, or try to pretend like he's part of the family. Don't hug him when he comes in. Don't text him pictures of the kids. When he comes to see them, leave them alone in another room and busy yourself with something else. He has chosen NOT to be part of the family right now. He needs to feel the family's absence (or his wife's absence, at least), so that he can see what he's throwing away.
I know how impossible this is to do, but you CAN do it. He will either come toward you, or leave. Either way, you can get on with your life. God is with you. You will be okay, whatever happens. You will heal. You are worth more than this. Pray pray pray, and trust the Lord. You are welcome to message me anytime. I've been where you are. My prayers are with you.
T
I have gone to church a few times, alone, without mass so that I could just get a chance to be with God and listen and cry if I need. We have attended 3 counseling sessions and they all seem to be about how terrible I am. Sunday I threw divorce papers at him when he refused to come home (not that I want a divorce I just wanted the pain and hurt to end). I think that I have sealed the deal. We attended counseling after and he still says he loves me and wants to work on things. I took the therapist (and your) advice to keep my distance a little. I put a blocker on my phone so I don't just call him and harass him. I stopped texting him, if the kids want to they now have a phone to do that so I am not involved.
Today I experimented with autonomy, I went out to the store alone and took my dog to the dark park alone and spent just a few hours alone. The doctors have given me anti-anxiety drugs amongst other things, so lately my mood has barely teetered to much of anything except tearing up here and there. Otherwise, I have just decided that if this is what he wants. I am resolving to not text him or interact with him. I still have him here for dinners (but tonight he cooked), because its important to the kids. I do not want to ever be accused of robbing his time with the kids, that is never my goal and I don't ever want them to be a pawn for either of us.
In my heart after a few recent things I am 99% sure there is someone else. Personal inappropriate messages from someone we know in picture format specifically (of her cleavage and such). Well, I can't compete with a kinky 20 year old little girl if that's what he wants. I can just continue to be a mom and do what I need. Such as looking for a job. Odd thing, I even put back on my wedding rings because I wanted to have that reminder I was not "available" for others, I am still married and my stupid arse still loves him even after all we have been through.
Today I experimented with autonomy, I went out to the store alone and took my dog to the dark park alone and spent just a few hours alone. The doctors have given me anti-anxiety drugs amongst other things, so lately my mood has barely teetered to much of anything except tearing up here and there. Otherwise, I have just decided that if this is what he wants. I am resolving to not text him or interact with him. I still have him here for dinners (but tonight he cooked), because its important to the kids. I do not want to ever be accused of robbing his time with the kids, that is never my goal and I don't ever want them to be a pawn for either of us.
In my heart after a few recent things I am 99% sure there is someone else. Personal inappropriate messages from someone we know in picture format specifically (of her cleavage and such). Well, I can't compete with a kinky 20 year old little girl if that's what he wants. I can just continue to be a mom and do what I need. Such as looking for a job. Odd thing, I even put back on my wedding rings because I wanted to have that reminder I was not "available" for others, I am still married and my stupid arse still loves him even after all we have been through.
S
Tears, Big hugs to you
My husband and I separated in Jan this year and the kids and I moved to be close to my parents for support. It is hard and some days you have to take one hour at a time but it does get easier. I was supported by my old church and have also found a great church up here, God had held my hand through this journey (and still is) he has bought the most amazing people into my life who support and help me. Without him I would not have got through it, so just trust God, he it there. Take it slow, pray, find a scripture every day that speaks to you (I have my kids doing it now and we take turns writing it up on the notice board) Wrap your self in support and remember to love yourself, God does.
My husband and I separated in Jan this year and the kids and I moved to be close to my parents for support. It is hard and some days you have to take one hour at a time but it does get easier. I was supported by my old church and have also found a great church up here, God had held my hand through this journey (and still is) he has bought the most amazing people into my life who support and help me. Without him I would not have got through it, so just trust God, he it there. Take it slow, pray, find a scripture every day that speaks to you (I have my kids doing it now and we take turns writing it up on the notice board) Wrap your self in support and remember to love yourself, God does.
T
Tears, Big hugs to you
My husband and I separated in Jan this year and the kids and I moved to be close to my parents for support. It is hard and some days you have to take one hour at a time but it does get easier. I was supported by my old church and have also found a great church up here, God had held my hand through this journey (and still is) he has bought the most amazing people into my life who support and help me. Without him I would not have got through it, so just trust God, he it there. Take it slow, pray, find a scripture every day that speaks to you (I have my kids doing it now and we take turns writing it up on the notice board) Wrap your self in support and remember to love yourself, God does.
My husband and I separated in Jan this year and the kids and I moved to be close to my parents for support. It is hard and some days you have to take one hour at a time but it does get easier. I was supported by my old church and have also found a great church up here, God had held my hand through this journey (and still is) he has bought the most amazing people into my life who support and help me. Without him I would not have got through it, so just trust God, he it there. Take it slow, pray, find a scripture every day that speaks to you (I have my kids doing it now and we take turns writing it up on the notice board) Wrap your self in support and remember to love yourself, God does.
I was even angrier when he had the nerve to tell me that in these last (starting) 6 weeks he hasn't had time to himself to reflect and think... He's alone from 9pm till 7am. How does he not have time? It isn't like his day and night is filled with children and getting through the day. I am doing his work and my own here. I am starting to be okay without him around and that scares me because I do not want to give up, but it is so hard to be in limbo. Its so hard to not be resentful when I have to "sort and think" about everything as the days go by. The world doesn't stop because he wants to think and sort his feelings. This is the part that I just do not get...
T
All I can do is take his word for it. Unless I go find a GPS system and attach it to his car. I am stuck home with the kids and he still refuses to tell me where he is living. All the signs point to him having someone else. Sadly. So I am bracing for the worst and adjusting. Looking for work and taking a day at a time.
C
Please understand that I first and foremost want your marriage to work out, and it was from that place in my heart that I still wrote the following:
You could get a cheap GPS tracker, or track his cell phone (easy to do through your provider's website). But there are other ways to know.
I think the fact that he won't tell you where he's living is nearly admission. He seems to be shielding someone else, and perhaps himself.
I don't want to tell you what to do, especially since I don't know the full of your situation. I know that based on what little I do know, in your shoes I would get a pit bull of a lawyer, make serious perpetration for damage control (open separate bank account, transfer funds big time so that he can't clean you out, pick and choose what you can do without, send a few important items like birth certificates, car titles, and any heirlooms to your Mom's for safe keeping, etc.), and change the locks.
If you have certain models of Kwikset brand locks, you may be able to do this at home yourself. If you don't have that model, but do have this brand (and some other brands as well, a simple phone call can verify this locally), the major chains of Big Box home improvement centers (The orange guys, the blue guys with the red stripe, likely others) will reset those locks for free as long as you have a key that you want it changed to. (I've heard of people re-keying their house to be the same as their mom's so that she can come help with the kids.) If you know how to operate a screwdriver, you can remove and re-install the locks yourself. You might mark them with a little tape to put them back in the same spots so that it LOOKS like nothing changed. You can then have a good friend run them to the store for you, or sit at the house while you're gone with the locks. I'd bet money that there is someone at your church whom you could trust in this moment to help you.
From the moment that my ex filed divorce papers, I wouldn't let her back in the house, traded her my key to her car for her key to my car, and started keeping things locked that I had previously left unlocked. I live in a good neighborhood and didn't lock my car...until then. I've heard of some deviousness and didn't want her to have the opportunity to plant something then make accusations. She had fallen into a crowd of people before who gave her access to illegal drugs. I'd been clean for more than a decade when she left me, but I knew that it would seem credible if she was able to get drug charges on me as a ploy to get the kids, or anything else she might want in the divorce. I'm not saying to do this. I am saying protect yourself from the possibility of someone doing it to you.
Thinking about your opponent's next move is good in checkers. Thinking about your opponents next several moves is winning chess. Divorce is no game, and should only be entered into when absolutely necessary. If this is even a possibility, it may be wise to plan for what you want out of it so that you will know how to get there before someone is there first. Maybe you can still get back together, but if you are already to the point of thinking about having to provide for yourself (looking for work, you said) then it may be time to prepare a solid exit strategy just in case.
You could get a cheap GPS tracker, or track his cell phone (easy to do through your provider's website). But there are other ways to know.
I think the fact that he won't tell you where he's living is nearly admission. He seems to be shielding someone else, and perhaps himself.
I don't want to tell you what to do, especially since I don't know the full of your situation. I know that based on what little I do know, in your shoes I would get a pit bull of a lawyer, make serious perpetration for damage control (open separate bank account, transfer funds big time so that he can't clean you out, pick and choose what you can do without, send a few important items like birth certificates, car titles, and any heirlooms to your Mom's for safe keeping, etc.), and change the locks.
If you have certain models of Kwikset brand locks, you may be able to do this at home yourself. If you don't have that model, but do have this brand (and some other brands as well, a simple phone call can verify this locally), the major chains of Big Box home improvement centers (The orange guys, the blue guys with the red stripe, likely others) will reset those locks for free as long as you have a key that you want it changed to. (I've heard of people re-keying their house to be the same as their mom's so that she can come help with the kids.) If you know how to operate a screwdriver, you can remove and re-install the locks yourself. You might mark them with a little tape to put them back in the same spots so that it LOOKS like nothing changed. You can then have a good friend run them to the store for you, or sit at the house while you're gone with the locks. I'd bet money that there is someone at your church whom you could trust in this moment to help you.
From the moment that my ex filed divorce papers, I wouldn't let her back in the house, traded her my key to her car for her key to my car, and started keeping things locked that I had previously left unlocked. I live in a good neighborhood and didn't lock my car...until then. I've heard of some deviousness and didn't want her to have the opportunity to plant something then make accusations. She had fallen into a crowd of people before who gave her access to illegal drugs. I'd been clean for more than a decade when she left me, but I knew that it would seem credible if she was able to get drug charges on me as a ploy to get the kids, or anything else she might want in the divorce. I'm not saying to do this. I am saying protect yourself from the possibility of someone doing it to you.
Thinking about your opponent's next move is good in checkers. Thinking about your opponents next several moves is winning chess. Divorce is no game, and should only be entered into when absolutely necessary. If this is even a possibility, it may be wise to plan for what you want out of it so that you will know how to get there before someone is there first. Maybe you can still get back together, but if you are already to the point of thinking about having to provide for yourself (looking for work, you said) then it may be time to prepare a solid exit strategy just in case.
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Tears, we can't tell you what to do, or what God is doing in your marriage. These hard decisions are yours to make. But letting him continue on this path, with this double life of lies and deceit and manipulation, is not helping HIM, and it is not helping YOU. You aren't doing anyone any favors by letting him treat you this way. You aren't helping your marriage by allowing it to be trampled on and disregarded.
Right now, he has unrestricted access to both you and his girlfriend, and nothing at all to stop him from this life that is KILLING your marriage. Allowing him to come in and eat with the family, and be welcome at your table, is not going to make him start loving you more. Show him that you care about HIM by giving him an ultimatum, my sister.
He needs to account for his time. He needs to tell you where he is living and WHO he is seeing. If he isn't willing to do that, then he needs to get on out the door. If you mean so little to him that he would rather leave than be honest with you, then you never had a hold on him anyway, and it's better that he's gone so you can start to heal.
PM me if you want to talk about it. I know things now that I wish I'd known then. I wish I could have given this advice to myself three years ago. Love is truly blind. That's why God uses others around us to help us see more clearly.
Right now, he has unrestricted access to both you and his girlfriend, and nothing at all to stop him from this life that is KILLING your marriage. Allowing him to come in and eat with the family, and be welcome at your table, is not going to make him start loving you more. Show him that you care about HIM by giving him an ultimatum, my sister.
He needs to account for his time. He needs to tell you where he is living and WHO he is seeing. If he isn't willing to do that, then he needs to get on out the door. If you mean so little to him that he would rather leave than be honest with you, then you never had a hold on him anyway, and it's better that he's gone so you can start to heal.
PM me if you want to talk about it. I know things now that I wish I'd known then. I wish I could have given this advice to myself three years ago. Love is truly blind. That's why God uses others around us to help us see more clearly.
C
She's right. Take a stand. If not for you or for him, then for your children. One way or another, For the marriage, or for the divorce, take a stand for their sake. Either way it will be warfare, but the legions of the angels of The Almighty will fight for and along side those who stand for righteousness. God be with you, sister.
T
Giving him ultimatums is what the therapist told me not to do because it was me trying to control him.
However, through the therapy and a book she gave me to read, and other supports that I have been given recently. I have seriously come to the conclusion. I am not going to worry about what he's doing, what he's not doing. I have my own life to live. I have my children that need me to love them and care for them. I have to do right by them and I and until he actually files the divorce papers, I am married (as many of you agreed when I inquired about the dating question). So I am going to take care of me, keep working on my relationship with God, and continue forward. I have been steadily putting in applications to different places. The bank gave me a huge break on overdraft fees that his irresponsibility caused. I am preparing to do what I need in case he never comes back. I won't bad mouth him to the kids, I assure them that we both love them and if they have extra questions then they need to take it up with him not me.
I have goals in my life and while most of my life has been wrapped up in being a mom and a wife, it doesn't mean that I am not still an individual and that I need to take care of me and not look to him or others to fill the missing pieces. The drugs help (prescribed anti-depressants/anti-anxiety/etc).
However, through the therapy and a book she gave me to read, and other supports that I have been given recently. I have seriously come to the conclusion. I am not going to worry about what he's doing, what he's not doing. I have my own life to live. I have my children that need me to love them and care for them. I have to do right by them and I and until he actually files the divorce papers, I am married (as many of you agreed when I inquired about the dating question). So I am going to take care of me, keep working on my relationship with God, and continue forward. I have been steadily putting in applications to different places. The bank gave me a huge break on overdraft fees that his irresponsibility caused. I am preparing to do what I need in case he never comes back. I won't bad mouth him to the kids, I assure them that we both love them and if they have extra questions then they need to take it up with him not me.
I have goals in my life and while most of my life has been wrapped up in being a mom and a wife, it doesn't mean that I am not still an individual and that I need to take care of me and not look to him or others to fill the missing pieces. The drugs help (prescribed anti-depressants/anti-anxiety/etc).
Just something to think about, Tears...
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is really difficult. It seems like you are handling things well even though you may not feel like it.
I just wanted to offer this thought to you--I know Grace said that he should be issued an ultimatum, and that your therapist says that's not a good idea. I honestly agree with Grace here. An ultimatum isn't controlling--he still has a choice. This is not one of those areas in life where he can have the best of both worlds. I have to think that it is so damaging to both you and your children for him to repeatedly come back to your home just for food and then leave again. You can't allow him to do that anymore, Tears. You must make him choose between you or her once and for all. I know that it's difficult, but this is one of those times where you need to be strong and stand up for you and your children.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is really difficult. It seems like you are handling things well even though you may not feel like it.
I just wanted to offer this thought to you--I know Grace said that he should be issued an ultimatum, and that your therapist says that's not a good idea. I honestly agree with Grace here. An ultimatum isn't controlling--he still has a choice. This is not one of those areas in life where he can have the best of both worlds. I have to think that it is so damaging to both you and your children for him to repeatedly come back to your home just for food and then leave again. You can't allow him to do that anymore, Tears. You must make him choose between you or her once and for all. I know that it's difficult, but this is one of those times where you need to be strong and stand up for you and your children.
T
Chandler, if I could just get concrete evidence there is a "her" I would. I thought about GPSing his car, but I cannot afford a unit. I have considered having someone follow him but then don't feel right dragging someone else into things. Ultimately I need proof. Something that I can say "This is her, this is where you are living with her, this is the lies I caught you in this many times". Proof not just something that I can say "all these dots line up to this..." That's where its the hardest. Because I have given him -every- reason to admit to a her. I have given him -every- opportunity to prove there is a "her" and so far, I have nothing. I mean I gave him divorce papers... divorce papers. He could have been happy and said okay lets go file, and been done with it all. Yet... he blames me and my emotional (overly emotional) reactions to actions. So I do not a phone number (I have detailed billing on the cellphone account to monitor it), not a person, not a name, nothing.
He stayed over night Monday night, the kids loved it. I also finally got some rest from kids who wander around in the middle of the night. It was a good stress relief for me and I slept upstairs and him down so there was no misunderstanding why I asked him to stay. So it wasn't for me, it was specifically for the kids, and me getting rest was an added bonus.
However the dinner thing I worry is unhealthy to break for the kids. They look forward to it with him. So I have considered letting him have dinner with them but being absent myself. I never want to be accused of withholding his children from him. This evening we had a spat (nothing huge) but I was like "Why am I even trying here, you are no closer to coming home then when you first left six weeks ago...." And he told me I was wrong. I just do not understand him. Maybe we are speaking two different languages. Maybe he is trailing me along. However in the meantime I am going to do what I can as a wife, I did take vows, and keep true to those. But protect myself at the same time and be ready when he says "Oh I am pulling the rug out." and I can be assured that he cannot because I super-glued, duct taped, and nailed that rug in place so I am still standing. --- If that makes sense.
He stayed over night Monday night, the kids loved it. I also finally got some rest from kids who wander around in the middle of the night. It was a good stress relief for me and I slept upstairs and him down so there was no misunderstanding why I asked him to stay. So it wasn't for me, it was specifically for the kids, and me getting rest was an added bonus.
However the dinner thing I worry is unhealthy to break for the kids. They look forward to it with him. So I have considered letting him have dinner with them but being absent myself. I never want to be accused of withholding his children from him. This evening we had a spat (nothing huge) but I was like "Why am I even trying here, you are no closer to coming home then when you first left six weeks ago...." And he told me I was wrong. I just do not understand him. Maybe we are speaking two different languages. Maybe he is trailing me along. However in the meantime I am going to do what I can as a wife, I did take vows, and keep true to those. But protect myself at the same time and be ready when he says "Oh I am pulling the rug out." and I can be assured that he cannot because I super-glued, duct taped, and nailed that rug in place so I am still standing. --- If that makes sense.
T
I know I keep bumping this thread and I am sure I have totally talked your guys's ears off here and beyond. Today we did not goto the retreat. However we were able to sit down and make a schedule for the next two weeks in which he will stay a few nights, and be here a few nights (and mornings) and then have his own time and me mine. Its a step in a good direction I believe. Maybe soon, I will finally fit somewhere, hopefully the family forum.
I did take off today, go to church, talk to my therapist, visited a friend and stay there while I put my head together so I could come back and continue to try to follow my vows, my beliefs and gather strength from the Lord. Including a cleansing sobbing cry in the church where no one else was so I could give my troubles to him and continue to work on me, and be the best mom and "TotP" I can be. I am so grateful to you all. For all the different input, aspects, and making me examine things.
I did take off today, go to church, talk to my therapist, visited a friend and stay there while I put my head together so I could come back and continue to try to follow my vows, my beliefs and gather strength from the Lord. Including a cleansing sobbing cry in the church where no one else was so I could give my troubles to him and continue to work on me, and be the best mom and "TotP" I can be. I am so grateful to you all. For all the different input, aspects, and making me examine things.
We all want you to be alright,
but separated is still legally married.
Just the way it is.
Personally, when I meet a girl, if she says she is separated, or "getting divorced", I just won't go anywhere near her. It just isn't prudent.
If you're separated and getting marriage counseling, you need to be thinking about your marriage.
It's a good time for reflection and alone-time with God, reading and prayer, maybe reading some good christian books.
It's also good to spend time with family and close friends, BUT you have to be careful opening up to family and friends about marriage problems... most WILL NOT encourage you to reconcile, most will just encourage you to divorce. If he's done some bad things, your family will probably NOT forgive him, even if you reconcile... so be careful what you say.
God doesn't want you to be alone forever, and you won't be alone forever.
But it's alright to be alone AT TIMES, at certain important times when that is what you need.
but separated is still legally married.
Just the way it is.
Personally, when I meet a girl, if she says she is separated, or "getting divorced", I just won't go anywhere near her. It just isn't prudent.
If you're separated and getting marriage counseling, you need to be thinking about your marriage.
It's a good time for reflection and alone-time with God, reading and prayer, maybe reading some good christian books.
It's also good to spend time with family and close friends, BUT you have to be careful opening up to family and friends about marriage problems... most WILL NOT encourage you to reconcile, most will just encourage you to divorce. If he's done some bad things, your family will probably NOT forgive him, even if you reconcile... so be careful what you say.
God doesn't want you to be alone forever, and you won't be alone forever.
But it's alright to be alone AT TIMES, at certain important times when that is what you need.