What can a girl do to get the guy she likes?

[ChandlerFan]

Ah, lovely, more ignorant generalizations.

Please note, you've just said every guy, who answered a female asking how to get a guys attention, is wrong. Don't you find it a bit ironic that you feel you know more on the subject that guys?

I don't see any ignorance in her post. You've got a serious problem with the way you address people on this board. I've heard a lot of people say, "Oh, that's just the way he is." Well, I'm not going to be one to allow you to get off that easily with unnecessarily addressing people this way.

I actually agree with her that a guy who won't pursue is not a guy worth dating. My suggestion was to become friends with the guy and see what happens from there. I don't see how what she said is in opposition to my advice at all. I don't know what kind of a nerve that post struck with you, but there is no need to be so harsh.

 

[Ugly]

I don't see any ignorance in her post. You've got a serious problem with the way you address people on this board.

I actually agree with her that a guy who won't pursue is not a guy worth dating. My suggestion was to become friends with the guy and see what happens from there. I don't see how what she said is in opposition to my advice at all. I don't know what kind of a nerve that post struck with you, but there is no need to be so harsh.

The ignore feature functions just fine, feel free to use it. I'll show you how it works.

 

[ChandlerFan]

Taking it to PM

 

[blue_ladybug]

SOMEBODY woke up on the wrong side of this thread today..lol.. not sayin' who ..

 

[gypsygirl]

Ah, lovely, more ignorant generalizations.

Please note, you've just said every guy, who answered a female asking how to get a guys attention, is wrong. Don't you find it a bit ironic that you feel you know more on the subject that guys?

no, what i ACTUALLY expressed was my general opinion about the subject at hand. do realize how many caveats and qualifications one might have to state to make sure i don't leave every single person in the planet (or this forum) out?

it is my perspective, view, and personal experience. i gave her my advice based upon the limited information, and even the interpretation of what was provided could be construed differently as well.

isn't that what we're all doing? answering questions consistent with our opinions and experience? i guess i am failing to register the controversy on offering a differing opinion and backing it up with my own logic and experience.

however, if you do view my opinion as dissent against every single guy who answered, i am really ok with that.

in fact, i am quite accustomed to disagreement among my peers and friends, it's not a big deal. i place a higher premium on being honest, over being agreeable.

and i encourage everyone else to do the same. : )

 

[gypsygirl]

Yes, that was exactly what I was trying to avoid MissCris. That's why I said it shouldn't matter to anyone why she likes the guy. I feel like she was about to get "schooled" on why she shouldn't like a guy based on "very little interaction". Anyway.. next time I'll just keep my mouth shut.

well, i guess i am confused why the simple request for additional information from someone triggers off an extreme reaction and attack?

honestly, i am somewhat dumbfounded by the aggressive and accusatory tone some posters seem to jump to (as evidenced in this thread).

why is it that we assume the worst instead of embracing the opportunity to offer a wider berth, a little bit more acceptance and when in doubt, a gentle questioning approach towards those who post questions for information that we might not understand?

is this really our setting ourselves apart?

in john 13 we are told that it is our extreme bible knowledge, superior advice giving and ability to be always right that will set us apart and allow us to be known as christians.

oh wait, that's wrong.

no, it's the manner in which we show love to our fellow believers that the world will know us.

just saying. : )

 

[MissCris]

Wellllll well well...

Whoa. Yeah. This got a little gnarly.

I think this girl has gotten a really good range of advice. There's different perspectives offerred, and different approaches...
I just want to say, I don't think any of the advice is wrong- I think that the "right" advice for the situation will depend entirely on what Louise is comfortable with.

Not everybody is bold enough to be direct and tell someone outright that they like them.
Sometimes they need to spend more time with a person before they're able to do that, sometimes they can only sit back and wait to see if the person wants to pursue them.
Some women prefer being pursued, rather than speaking up first, some women are totally fine getting the ball rolling, so to speak.

Without knowing both Louise and the guy personally, none of us can tell her exactly what to do, but there's been good, general advice given.

Anyway, the only other thing I would add is...
Louise, sorry about your thread getting a bit off track, welcome to CC, and hope you figure it out with that guy

 

[AzureAfire]

I was waiting for someone to write the unpopular response XD thanks for going first, gypsygirl!!!

I completely agree with all that she said.

When I first saw the title, I honestly cringed a little. It's because it reminded me of what I was like, and I sorely hated the feeling and the memories of being the guy-chaser/event orchestrator.

This is the one difference me and gypsygirl have with regards to this issue. She never did the chasing (which is something that I'm really happy to know, and super proud for her, too ). I, on the other hand, did this FOR YEARS. And believe me, it was TERRIBLE.

In all my relationships, I would say that the happiest I've ever been is the one I have now (with Descyple ) Which involved zero chasing on my part, and 100% orchestrated by Papa GOD this all happened when I finally got the right heart and mindset. When I no longer wanted to have a relationship (which is totally ironic and so unlike me XD). When I was finally able to say AND mean that I am simply content and happy to be just with Papa GOD. To say with utmost joy and peace that HIS perfect, beautiful, awesome, sovereign will be done in my life, without any fear at all. This "change" is one of the biggest in my life, and it never was easy for me. Even as a Christian, in the past, I greatly struggled with this matter, so to be able to affirm this confidently and wholeheartedly is something that I am so thankful to Papa GOD for teaching me so patiently, and enabling me to finally "see" that HE rules my life in ways that are beyond my comprehension, and yet, is all for my good and for HIS glory the way that Papa GOD brought me and this special brother is just AMAZING everything is just natural. And this time, I know it's HIS will, 'coz there is this incredible peace that I never had in my past relationships (which was just laden with endless worrying and hyperjuggling, and had lots of pain and struggles, too).

In the past, I was the kind of girl who felt that she had so much love in her heart, that she believed that she needed someone to pour out all this love and passion to. To love and be loved was such a great issue in my life, that I guess I made it my mission. And blindly, without realizing it, my idol. I've always prayed to GOD to give me this special love, to which HE always answered "Wait." But I was VERY impatient then. I always thought I knew better, and that I got it right.

I always thought I needed to do something to be noticed by the guy I liked. I've always felt unattractive and plain and unnoticeable, like wallpaper. I never experienced having a line of suitors, or guys constantly wanting to ask for my number. If there was a guy who seemed to show interest, it weirded me out so much, and I felt like I'm being messed with. I never really stood out, until I made myself up, or did something extreme. I really had low self-esteem, largely because of family issues. But that story is for another time. Let's just say that, when the words implying that "you're not good enough" are coming from your own parents, it really messes you up badly XD *sorry laugh*

Back to the main topic, here's the thing: you WILL end up "getting" the guy, if you try hard enough. But...don't expect it to be like "a dream come true." Because by doing this, you are actually missing out on that "perfect" set-up by GOD Himself. Coz HE knows EXACTLY what makes you happy, and what you actually need. HE is our GOD of love HE IS LOVE!!!

In the past, I always thought I knew better than GOD. Always felt I couldn't wait any longer. Always said that maybe these "strong" feelings I'm having for that guy is a "sign" that he's "the One" for me. They always seemed so "perfect" in every way, even after I've seen their worst parts. I wanted them so badly. Had to try to get this guy, and be happy....finally able to love and be loved. Be settled and complete. And I prayed along the lines of "Please let him see that I love him truly....that I care....that I would make him so very, very happy, LORD. Please?"

But Papa GOD always said: "No. Please wait for me."

And I always said: "No...I can't! He's just so great in every way....I have to get him!"

So I went and did what I thought was the right thing to do. I did everything to get close, and to be awesome for this guy. I thought I was still being me, but just sassing myself up (the auto-correct put "sawing" XD maybe it got it right? It was torture in the long run, after all). I made myself everything he could ever want: attractive (in the worldly sense), fun, funny, witty, cool, extra kind and caring. Always there for them. Always got what they needed. I was like a girlscout/cheerleader/vending machine/ATM machine/spitfire with a halo. And I could've ended up marrying any one of them eventually. But....If I did, I know I wouldn't have been happy. There's always that sense that I have to keep things up, otherwise....they'll leave. I knew I forced things to happen, so I have to keep being awesome for this guy....always better than what he might come across. 'Coz there's always that fear that he might fall in-love with someone else better....or someone else who's not even trying, but is awesome in every way, then he starts to do the chasing after that girl. There was just no peace....I thought that maybe I just got the wrong guy, that's why there was no peace. But, no....there was no peace because I was wrong with everything I was doing. I wasn't letting GOD be the GOD of my relationships. HE was never truly any part of the equation. I didn't trust GOD to be able to make me happy and fulfill my need for my romantic desires. I always thought HE'll just force me to fall in-love with somebody I don't like (this is just so ridiculous when I think about this now XD I was just so foolish and blind!!!).

Some of you, including the OP maybe, might say my post might be too extreme, and that people are different, and aren't all desperate and blind and foolish as I was. That's true. But I will stand by my words that it isn't wise to try to "get" a guy. Took me years to get it right and finally understand.

Sister, just be you. Just stay where you are, and be natural about everything. Don't try to set anything up. Don't think that, if you don't, then whatever it is that you long for wouldn't happen. Just simply trust in GOD HE is the perfect Matchmaker. HE knows everything about you, and the one HE has in store for you. HE's working in both of you, to prepare you both for HIS plans in both of your lives. If that guy is meant for you, he won't get away. 'Coz GOD Himself will lead him to you, if he is truly a Christian (and you don't want to end up with an unbeliever, trust me! It is just WRONG, and you'll end up real miserable). Focus on your relationship with HIM, and learn to trust HIM completely. This last is what I failed to do, and is the most important thing, too. Let HIM teach you patience and the right way to love through HIS Word. Don't tell GOD you're ready for a relationship. Wait for HIM to be the one to show you that you are ready. Let HIM prepare you for that day when you and the guy HE has for you would finally meet. It will happen at the right place and time, when you're both mature enough and will serve as a great blessing to each other and to others being together as a couple. 'Coz GOD does everything perfectly and beautifully, and in line with HIS purpose for our lives, which is ultimately, to give HIM glory, honor, and praise. We are part of a bigger picture than we actually realize!!! Our LORD definitely makes all things work together for our good, and for HIS glory!!!


Romans 8:28 King James Version (KJV)

28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.


When I finally learned to let it all go in GOD's loving hands, I felt so free. The future wasn't frightening anymore. And it didn't matter whether I'll end up alone in the end, or with someone. All I knew was GOD has always loved me so dearly, and I am so grateful that HE never gave up on me, and I love HIM so. HE is my everything!!! And I praise HIM and thank HIM, whether I'll be single for life, or will have that dream love that I longed for in the past. It didn't matter, 'coz I know I'm covered HE is all I need to be happy and fulfilled. I am complete in HIM

And then Descyple came along then GOD gave me even more reasons to trust in HIM, and to praise HIS name. 'Coz HE answered everything I ever prayed for GOD is AWESOME!!!

Wait for Papa GOD's leading in your life, Sister. Feel free to tell HIM everything you're feeling and going through. Open up to HIM all your hopes and dreams. Then just simply rest in HIS love, and wait for HIM to amaze you count on it!!!


[video=youtube_share;zGsSC5M-wtk]http://youtu.be/zGsSC5M-wtk[/video]

 

[CatHerder]

Next time you are in the group, slip him this note:

I like you.

Do you like me?

YES [checkbox] NO [checkbox]

 

[Ugly]

I love the mentality that a man is not worth having if he doesn't chase after women. Or a woman. As if this one aspect of life and a man is enough to judge him in every other area of his life. And thereby deem him an unworthy man who doesn't deserve a woman. I mean, that's fair right? Of course it is.
And the womans roll? Oh.. do nothing at all. Don't even show interest. Yes, that is absolutely the way to get a man. Do that.

 

[ChandlerFan]

I love the mentality that a man is not worth having if he doesn't chase after women. Or a woman. As if this one aspect of life and a man is enough to judge him in every other area of his life. And thereby deem him an unworthy man who doesn't deserve a woman. I mean, that's fair right? Of course it is.
And the womans roll? Oh.. do nothing at all. Don't even show interest. Yes, that is absolutely the way to get a man. Do that.

Chasing after women and pursuing a woman are very different things. It doesn't necessarily have to say anything about the rest of his life, but if a man isn't willing to step up and take the lead in asking a girl out, how does she expect him to step up in any other aspect of life? What does that say about how he's going to approach his role as the head of his family as a father and husband?
No one ever said that the woman has no role. It takes two to form a relationship. It takes two people showing affection and love to each other. But the man should be taking the lead in that.
That doesn't mean that passive men won't get into relationships, it just means their chances aren't as good and that the chance of their relationships being godly and successful aren't all that great either. If we're talking about my sisters here (like in my immediate family), I would want them to be looking for a godly man who is taking the lead in loving and serving them well, and part of doing that is explicitly initiating a relationship.

 

[Wormwood]

Please take it to PM if you feel the need to further your position. The biting sarcasm and squabbling is derailing the thread.

A few of them know that I like him but I feel like it would be awkward to openly say to them.

Consider that for a moment. If you're a shy person in general, and not exclusively with this crush of yours, then perhaps that's something to work on first before approaching him. In any case, you've received a pretty wide range of advice by now, so perhaps you can start to formulate from here what you feel comfortable with attempting.

 

[AzureAfire]

I think we need to read the thread title again. And then her OP.

She's not asking for advice on how to get a guy to know that she likes her. She's asking for advice on how to "get" a guy. HUGE difference.

I don't know what some have against people who emphasize the importance of the guy making the first move and doing the pursuing. It's biblical. Men are called to be leaders. Men are supposed to be the head of a woman. Consider this verse:


1 Corinthians 11:3 King James Version (KJV)

3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.


Even in a relationship (although, of course, it takes both partners to make it work), the guy should be the one leading. I've been in a relationship were I was doing "the guy" role, and it was just WRONG. It was a telltale sign that the guy I was with wouldn't make a good husband and father if he didn't change, because he was relying on me for almost every decision. It was like he had no backbone, and couldn't do anything apart from me and my support (he is a Christian, by the way. Son of a pastor, too). We talked about our future together (because we were somewhat engaged already at the time, minus the ring), and I saw that he wasn't gonna take on that role of leadership based on the things he was sharing to me as his vision for our life together. A year after that, when I saw he wasn't manning up, I broke up with him. I told him all the reasons why. He was crushed, of course. But I think he took it to heart. And now, he's a doctor (he didn't have the courage to pursue this dream in the past), and happily married with kids he finally got it right.

I'm not the type who likes mind games. I'm fairly transparent. For me, there's nothing wrong with showing that you like someone. But to take the exposition of one's feelings to the point of almost making a guy decide that he like you back, just because you're giving him all the reasons to do so is just WRONG. It's called MANIPULATION. I've done this for years in the past. You do your best to be his friend, hoping to become his bestfriend, and eventually become his girlfriend.

It may be true that some guys might need a push in the right direction to get started in the pursuing, but that push doesn't have to come from the girl. It has to come from GOD. In this day and age, where they encourage that you "do as you will" and "do what feels good to you" and "do what feels right" (which is actually satanic), we as Christians forget that we should be submitting all our quests to GOD for HIS approval. It should be HIS will that should be done, not ours. For people who don't believe that HE is sovereign, they will greatly struggle and wrestle for control. I say there shouldn't be any wrestling involved, since what HE desires for us IS the very best. Beyond anything we could hope for or imagine. The quest for a mate is actually an avenue in our lives where our faith in HIM and HIS promises are also strongly tested. But the rewards of simply resting in HIS love is beyond compare. Not only will you grow established in your faith, and your relationship in HIM grow deeper, you will also witness the depth of HIS love for you, as HE provides you with someone who represents HIS love for you in the flesh, after Jesus Christ's own heart

Ugly, please try not to be harsh and sarcastic. It's not an excuse that you're just that way, and that people should just accept it. We all need to be changed for the better. This is something that you need to submit to GOD to change in you. I'm not here to pick a fight with you. I've just been noticing how harsh and sarcastic you are in some of your posts. A lot of times, you are doing more harm than good. It's not how Christians should behave. There is enough harshness and meanness in the world already. We should set ourselves apart, and exhibit kindness and gentleness, among other things. We are called to do that, after all.

 

[BananaPie]

Im 19 he's 21 we met through a christian group on campus at the uni we attend we have a fairly solid group of friends but we've never done anything outside that specific group. Anything else?

Yes, you are both very young. Continue to enjoy the Lord Jesus in your youth, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.

A warm welcome to CC, Louise.
May your stay here be sweet and approved by God as we fellowship together.

 

[secularhermit]

If you get the correct answer, share it here so, men or young guys will do the same, to avoid mistakes.

Well! We have a saying here in Cuba-zuela: "EL HOMBRE propone y la mujer dispone" and truelly, I have seen we are like those birds which do too many things and ladies always had the last words (except that there are too many proves MEN are often the ones saying their last words, wihtout writing their Will).


Ja! Ja!

 

[Searching4Truth]

So theres this guy I really like, but there are so many things in the way. I don't know if he's even thinking about dating at all let alone thinking about me. We hang out a bit but only in group situations. He's not on facebook much and has an ancient phone of which I don't have the number. How do I get in? How do I become more than just one of many friends but a good friend then how do I go from that to girlfriend?
Im not good at flirting and I don't want to come across as stalker-ish or obsessive. I can never seem to be able to talk to him on my own and just don't know what to do. Help/advice would be muchly appreciated!!!

Just be upfront about it. You won't really know unless you try. And if things don't go the way you've planned, learn from it and move on.

 

[butterfly712]

Just be yourself,that always works when your yourself.

 

[DuchessAimee]

Many of you are behaving like martyrs, and it's ridiculous.






Grow up.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Wait.. Wut? ..oh nevermind..

 

[Nick01]

perhaps this is the unpopular answer, but i don't think it's your job (or best interest) to concoct ways to orchestrate the advancement of your relationship with him.

if you know him in a group/social way, and have had opportunities to spend time with him, and he knows you are alive, exist, and are available, the ball is in his court. hopefully, you have exploited these opportunities to ask him questions, share interaction, and listened with interest so that he is aware that you find him interesting and worthy of your attention/focus. you don't need "alone time", or even a lot of time to do that.

you don't know what is going on in his head, his life, or what his priorities are. you don't know if he's interested in someone else right now.

would you rather be responsible for "orchestrating" an opportunity to "trap yourself a man" or be pursued by a guy who finds you worthy of his time and interested in learning more about you?

by the way, i was totally joking about the "trap yourself a man" comment, but seriously, it's always my experience that:

1) you're always best allowing a guy to pursue you, because the timing is right--he's acting on what he wants, and you are assured he's not distracted by a different/peripheral option. women who throw themselves at men forfeit that luxury.

2) if he's a guy that won't pursue, it's either that he's not interested in you, or he's isn't able/capable of taking action on his own --neither of which makes him someone who you should be wasting your time holding out for.

i don't ask guys out. i don't try to "set scenes" up. i don't orchestrate scenarios or perform cartwheels so that he will notice me even more. i just am myself, but use the chances i get to learn more about him, asking questions, and building rapport. that's it.

i know everyone won't agree with me, but if you don't believe that you are worthy of being pursued by a man who finds you to be attractive and worth getting to know better, what does that say about your view of yourself? or his ability to discern what is attractive to him and acting upon it?

For what it's worth, I actually DO think it's an over generalisation to say "guys will and should pursue you if they like you." I don't think it's a particularly helpful one, either. I’ve underlined a few things in your post I found a little problematic. I hope you take it as constructive criticism, and not personally targeted in any way

Do I think guys should tend to take the lead in a relationship? Yes. But to me, that's different to what we're discussing here. The reality is that a lot of guys, even if they like a girl, will not take an immediate step to pursue. Why? There are a lot of guys who have done exactly that previously - pursued a woman they like. And it backfires. The woman doesn't like them, or they misread signals, or the woman was just completely thrown by directness. Alternatively, perhaps the guy just isn’t in the headspace for thinking actively about a relationship because they’ve got other important things to be worried about at the time. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to be in a relationship, they just don’t really want to invest the emotional resources trying to divine whether xyz girl cares enough to go out with them. There are a host of reasons, and a man’s non-pursuit of a women at any given time says exactly NOTHING about the worth of the woman or the discernment of the man. It just doesn’t. If a guy doesn’t pursue you, it doesn’t mean you’re not worthwhile to him, or he hasn’t noticed you, or anything. It MIGHT mean those things, but it also MIGHT not - you’re just guessing.

Also, there seems to be this expectation (at least form where I’m standing) that women are supposed to be coy, or to not actively 'reveal' their attitudes towards members of the opposite gender, and wait for Prince Charming (such as he is) to sweep in and sweep her off her feet, at which point she is free to reveal all her feelings. The problem is that men, generally, don't deal well with coy. Speaking personally for myself, I don’t like game playing, or having to decrypt people’s behaviour. Or, rather, I don’t like game playing when I don’t know what the game is. Coy and clever is fine if I know the context of the relationship.

If a woman was talking to me, found me interesting, etc, I wouldn’t take that in itself as suggestive that she was romantically interested in me. That’s just not how I think. I have male friends that listen to me and find things I say interesting - that doesn’t suggest they’re romantically interested! In the same way, simply being sociable does not scream “I think you’re hawt!!” at me, and I think at least some men would see it in a similar way. The OP’s guy might think differently, perhaps, but the reality is that you don’t know, and you’re really just rolling the dice.

The other thing is, men, particularly today, are very sensitive to doing right by women - try not to be creepy, respect the woman's wishes, don't pursue 'too' hard. We talk of pursuit, but there is such a thing as ‘pursuing too hard’, and this is different for all women and all men - what you might expect in terms of pursuit might be FAR more overt and obvious that what another woman would deem acceptable. In the secular world, this matters much less, but amongst Christians, it does (and should) matter very much. The problem is, it's hard to get this right when pursuit is required to even start the conversation and get a read on what is possible.

Now, of course, what I’ve just outlined applies in exactly the reverse for the OP - she has the feelings for him, but doesn’t really know whether he’s interested, etc etc. She’s essentially in the same position as the hypothetical man above. But this is exactly my point - the REASON asking people out on dates gets so convoluted and requires people to post advice threads on the internet is because people can’t read minds. That scenario is not helped at all by one of the parties, who is clearly interested, proceeding not to telegraph that interest, to play ‘coy’, and to wait for someone else to make the first move. It just compounds the problem.

Sooner or later someone has to make the first move, and given the OP is asking and not the bloke, it might as well be her. IF he was on here, I’d tell him to do it. If she wants him to take the lead once both parties actually know what the heck is going on, fine. But I don’t see a problem with her kicking things along on her own steam. My point is simply - if you have feelings for someone, for goodness sake don’t start things off by playing coy or hard to get. At least make it obvious you are interested, preferably by saying something like “Hey, I’d like to spend more time getting to know you. Would you like to pick a date and go grab some coffee?” Even I would get the hint with that one The guy can pay for the coffee, for all I care.

The alternative is to do nothing, and adopt a wait and see approach. To me, that’s just time and energy wasting. It’s also kinda useless advice, because it, by definition, requires you to do nothing other than what you’re already doing