Advice about marriage and infidelity.

lefleener · May 5, 2014

Having gone through a similar experience. My advise to you would be to turn to God with every decision. I would set clear expectations and tell your husband what is expected of him. Immediately kick him out of your home. You should not leave with you children. He needs to be removed so that he can see what it is like to not have his family. Then set up the expectations that you have prayed about in order for you guys to put your marriage back together and for him to come home. First rule if he is to return, He will hand over all electronic devises and share all emails, passwords, facebook, accounts, ect. He will attend church with you. He will attend marriage counseling with you. He will pursue and win you back. He will end all connections with past sexual relations. I advise him to agree to start a daily program like setting captives free on sexual sin. It is a free online counseling and mentor program. If he is unwilling to do these things and/or you get an answer from God that you are to divorce, then proceed. Always know that no matter what, you must forgive him but you also need to protect yourself and your precious children. Do not share your husbands indiscretions with your children, or others. Because if you are able to work things out he will have so much respect that you were thoughtful and honoring in not speaking ill of him even though he deserved to be chewed up and spit out. Know that if he does agree to all of your demands it will CHANGE his heart and yours. God can do all things. He can change your husband and make him new, but your husband must repent.

Also, know that you could be the most perfect amazing beautiful wife, your husbands adultery is his sin. You have nothing to do with his struggles. There is an ememy, and if your husband is not walking in God's light he will stumble. That is why he will continue to sin agains God and you until he repents and has a true heart change.

christianwife87 · May 5, 2014

Be careful with the advice you take in, but remember this is a Christian site, and some people are not displaying themselves as such, as Christians we are to either share our testimony or refer the situation directly back to God. Remember God still loves your husband, this is a spiritual battle honey, you have to realize this and know facts about the bible, God hates divorce, but with direct proof of infidelity he allows it, that doesn't mean HE is telling you to divorce, it just means He is leaving that decision up to you, can your marriage be restored? Yes! But only through God. Do you want it to be restored? That decision is up to you honey. Also even if God were to tell you to get a divorce (which he never will) He is not a God of confusion, his word is firm, and it seems like you are a little confused about this situation. Remember God speaks to your heart, never let your mind lead you, continue to pray for your husband but also pray for yourself, to have a deeper connection with God, because in marriage 2 flesh become 1 and through the saved wife the unsaved husband is sanctified. Give yourself completely to God and leave this situation in his hands, let God order your steps, God allows things to happen for a reason and nobody on this page can tell you that reason except God, he will allow you to hit rock bottom so that you can finally realize he is that Rock at the bottom, the one you can depend on to give you strength and peace. Listening to others who are not directing to God can lead you to go against God's plan for you because what God has for you is for you and only you. If you need prayer you can send me a private message.

MsSpratt · May 6, 2014

soccermom19 said:

i guess that's why it's hard. all that time in and kids too. idk what i would do in your position but i didn't have kids.
i wouldn't put up with it.

secularhermit · Jun 23, 2014

I sad you had that... and here´s a link from a secular standpoint of view that my help "to know" when someone is cheating.

biscuit · Jun 23, 2014

I see that some posters are quick to pull the trigger!!! Please remember, there are two-sides to every story. A perfect scenario was the divorce between ex-Governor Arnold Schwartznegger & his wife Maria Shriver. The governor was caught cheating and had a child with the maid. Everybody blamed the Gov. until the public found out that the wife (Maria Shriver) denied her husband sex because she wasn't interested so he found it elsewhere. That makes her just as guilty as he was. There are millions of women (& men) who are denying their spouses sex and later play the victim when they find out he or she is cheating. Again, there are two-sides to every story and the reason why I am hesitant to give advice on CC ... but advise them to see a marriage therapist instead. I remember watching a movie starring Hillary Swank & Patrick Duffy involving minority school kids, and to make a long story short, the teacher devoted an overwhelming amount of time after school hours with the kids and not with her husband. In the end he divorced her because he didn't have a wife at home. BTW, the movie is a true story. Many marriages are broken because of neglect on both sides.

Yowie · Jun 24, 2014

I say this as someone who is divorced due to my wife cheating on me. The biggest struggle I had with making the choice to divorce was due to love I had for her. The thing I came to see is that, that love is a gift from God. He placed in my heart and it doesn't have to die/end with her. I still have that love, that gift and now I can give it to someone else. I'm not saying that my ex-wife doesn't deserve love, but I believe I am to move on with that particular gift of love and if my Father brings someone else into my life I can give that love to them.

Bonita123 · Aug 21, 2014

God restored my Marriage. By the way God HATES divorce. That is in his word. HopeAtLast.com Please go here for help trust me God can do anything nothing is impossible.

soccermom19 · Nov 15, 2014

UPDATE: My husband cheated again. He lied about it five or six times before I finally got him to admit the truth. So, I asked him to leave. Two days later he moved out.
He comes to the house to visit and wants to act like everything is still the same. I think that he assumes I will eventually forget everything and let him come back. I think he actually enjoys living by himself without responsibilities, doing whatever he wants without my input and choosing when he has time for his family. He has not asked to take the kids for a visit. I feel as if he wants to visit with me more than the kids. He actually acted mad at me when I told him nothing had changed between us and a lot would have to before I could or would consider having anything to do with him again.
I want him to be there for the kids but he didn't seem interested in having them for a few weekends each month. He is going to have them next weekend though. I told him that our daughter had been asking to go see him so he agreed.
He hasn't even told his parents yet. They only live about 10 minutes from me. They are always calling me to come and help them. I have taken them to the ER twice since my separation of two months ago. It is so hard to sit in a hospital room with my mother-in-law and not tell her. I just don't think it is my place to say anything. Her son should.
He always takes the easy way out. I don't think he knows or cares anything about honesty or responsibility.
Please keep my family in your prayers! Thanks for your heart felt responses.

soccermom19 · Nov 15, 2014

I have avoided responding to this comment, but now I find myself needing to stand up for the truly innocent spouses out there who blame themselves. I once thought it must be something I did or didn't do. Now I understand that no matter what I did he would have broken our marriage vows and continued to do so.
Not that it is any of your business, but allow me to share my "fault" in this situation with you. We were married about three months when the collection calls started coming. My husband had mounds of debt from 3-4 years before that he had not been paying. I worked extra hours while attending college to pay these off. When we had been married for around a year, my husband was arrested for forging a check(he claims he didn't do it). My parents put up property to get him released and I supported him through it working extra hours while he completed his community service hours.
My husband joined the national guard and I supported him through multiple state duties and three deployments in Iraq. I took care of our three kids. I never cheated. I sent him packages and waited by the phone for his calls. I saved money to buy him a car. I forgave him when he went out on the town in NY city, while deployed, and spent so much money, on a hotel and alcohol, out of our account that the check I had written for a months worth of daycare for our kids bounced. I had no money, lived 9 hours away from family, had to wait two weeks to get paid, had to put gas in my car out of the lawn mower and gas jug to get to work, fed my kids what I had in the house, and borrowed money from a coworker for diapers. Luckily, I breast fed our 6 month old.
After finding out about a year long affair he had with my brothers wife, I forgave him and tried to work on our marriage. This was the first time that I EVER withheld sex from him for a while. After I found a condom wrapper, I went to marriage counseling and tried giving him the benefit of the doubt because he said he hadn't cheated. He didn't go to counseling. I quit being intimate with him when I asked him to leave two months ago, when on my birthday, I found out he had cheated on me again two weeks prior.
He quit going to church with me a few years after we were married.
So, other than being a blindly trusting and faithful wife, you tell me where my fault lies? It doesn't always take two.
I never once cheated. I never gave him a reason to doubt me. I was always with him or home with our kids. I gave up things I wanted to make sure he had what he wanted. God and family is my life. I spent my days teaching math to kids, at an alternative high school, who are in danger of not graduating. I came home, cooked, cleaned, carpooled, and spent my evenings with my husband when he was home. He works as a field tech who is on the road quite a bit. I help take care of his elderly parents, even now.
So, seriously does it ALWAYS take two? I am so tired of hearing that. So please, you tell me where my sin lies.

seekingg · Nov 15, 2014

Jesus said you can divorce if you spouse cheats on you. You are free to go. But God still hates divorce and God will not lead you to something that he hates. He wants you to forgive your husband. God is also thinking of you children and wants them to have a mom and dad together. Satan want you separated the easier for him devour your children.

soccermom19 · Nov 15, 2014

Biscuit,
I have avoided responding to this comment, but now I find myself needing to stand up for the truly innocent spouses out there who blame themselves. I once thought it must be something I did or didn't do. Now I understand that no matter what I did he would have broken our marriage vows and continued to do so.
Not that it is any of your business, but allow me to share my "fault" in this situation with you. We were married about three months when the collection calls started coming. My husband had mounds of debt from 3-4 years before that he had not been paying. I worked extra hours while attending college to pay these off. When we had been married for around a year, my husband was arrested for forging a check(he claims he didn't do it). My parents put up property to get him released and I supported him through it working extra hours while he completed his community service hours.
My husband joined the national guard and I supported him through multiple state duties and three deployments in Iraq. I took care of our three kids. I never cheated. I sent him packages and waited by the phone for his calls. I saved money to buy him a car. I forgave him when he went out on the town in NY city, while deployed, and spent so much money, on a hotel and alcohol, out of our account that the check I had written for a months worth of daycare for our kids bounced. I had no money, lived 9 hours away from family, had to wait two weeks to get paid, had to put gas in my car out of the lawn mower and gas jug to get to work, fed my kids what I had in the house, and borrowed money from a coworker for diapers. Luckily, I breast fed our 6 month old.
After finding out about a year long affair he had with my brothers wife, I forgave him and tried to work on our marriage. This was the first time that I EVER withheld sex from him for a while. After I found a condom wrapper, I went to marriage counseling and tried giving him the benefit of the doubt because he said he hadn't cheated. He didn't go to counseling. I quit being intimate with him when I asked him to leave two months ago, when on my birthday, I found out he had cheated on me again two weeks prior.
He quit going to church with me a few years after we were married.
So, other than being a blindly trusting and faithful wife, you tell me where my fault lies? It doesn't always take two.
I never once cheated. I never gave him a reason to doubt me. I was always with him or home with our kids. I gave up things I wanted to make sure he had what he wanted. God and family is my life. I spent my days teaching math to kids, at an alternative high school, who are in danger of not graduating. I came home, cooked, cleaned, carpooled, and spent my evenings with my husband when he was home. He works as a field tech who is on the road quite a bit. I help take care of his elderly parents, even now.
So, seriously does it ALWAYS take two? I am so tired of hearing that. So please, you tell me where my sin lies.

soccermom19 · Nov 15, 2014

So you think I should continue to turn a blind eye, stay with a lost man, who is a serial cheater. I should put myself in danger of getting all sorts of diseases. I should teach my kids that what there father did is okay. I should tell my 15 and 14 year old daughters that they should accept that behavior from men. I should teach my 12 year old son that it is okay to treat women this way. Is that what you are saying? I do forgive my husband, but I can not forget and continue to let him corrupt our lives. This is the only way I have left to show him he is wrong. I am choosing to turn away from sin. I haven't filed for divorce, I separated from him by asking him to move out. I also HATE divorce. But, there may be no other choice.

tourist · Nov 15, 2014

soccermom19 said:

Biscuit,
I have avoided responding to this comment, but now I find myself needing to stand up for the truly innocent spouses out there who blame themselves. I once thought it must be something I did or didn't do. Now I understand that no matter what I did he would have broken our marriage vows and continued to do so.
Not that it is any of your business, but allow me to share my "fault" in this situation with you. We were married about three months when the collection calls started coming. My husband had mounds of debt from 3-4 years before that he had not been paying. I worked extra hours while attending college to pay these off. When we had been married for around a year, my husband was arrested for forging a check(he claims he didn't do it). My parents put up property to get him released and I supported him through it working extra hours while he completed his community service hours.
My husband joined the national guard and I supported him through multiple state duties and three deployments in Iraq. I took care of our three kids. I never cheated. I sent him packages and waited by the phone for his calls. I saved money to buy him a car. I forgave him when he went out on the town in NY city, while deployed, and spent so much money, on a hotel and alcohol, out of our account that the check I had written for a months worth of daycare for our kids bounced. I had no money, lived 9 hours away from family, had to wait two weeks to get paid, had to put gas in my car out of the lawn mower and gas jug to get to work, fed my kids what I had in the house, and borrowed money from a coworker for diapers. Luckily, I breast fed our 6 month old.
After finding out about a year long affair he had with my brothers wife, I forgave him and tried to work on our marriage. This was the first time that I EVER withheld sex from him for a while. After I found a condom wrapper, I went to marriage counseling and tried giving him the benefit of the doubt because he said he hadn't cheated. He didn't go to counseling. I quit being intimate with him when I asked him to leave two months ago, when on my birthday, I found out he had cheated on me again two weeks prior.
He quit going to church with me a few years after we were married.
So, other than being a blindly trusting and faithful wife, you tell me where my fault lies? It doesn't always take two.
I never once cheated. I never gave him a reason to doubt me. I was always with him or home with our kids. I gave up things I wanted to make sure he had what he wanted. God and family is my life. I spent my days teaching math to kids, at an alternative high school, who are in danger of not graduating. I came home, cooked, cleaned, carpooled, and spent my evenings with my husband when he was home. He works as a field tech who is on the road quite a bit. I help take care of his elderly parents, even now.
So, seriously does it ALWAYS take two? I am so tired of hearing that. So please, you tell me where my sin lies.

Leave the jerk. Permanently.

ladylynn · Nov 15, 2014

Dear soccermom19, I didn't read everyone's posts to you, only just a few. Years ago before I got a divorce, for some reason I thought there was a big hurry to find a final SOLUTION to the problems right away, like YESTERDAY at the time. I thought if I found a solution and had a path to walk, it would all be so much easier. Get a divorce and start all over again because nothing could be as painful as this limbo I was in.

Divorce is such a mess, in many cases more of a mess than the problems that bring on a divorce. Especially when children are involved. I think your firm stand on not having anything to do with him until some major things change is an excellent position and encourage you to stick to it. Go to a good Christian counselor who is BALANCED and not one of those who says stay available to your husband no matter how horrible he is being. A recipe for disaster.

I wish at the time someone had told me that divorce would be even more horrible emotionally than the feelings of isolation, rejection, hurt, confusion we were going through at the time before divorce. For myself, and major big time for the children involved. They are grown now but still dealing with the effects of their mom and dad divorcing years ago.

It's ok to take time to find answers to the problems. It's ok that the answers to the marriage are not available today. To take time to wait while growing close with Jesus our REAL Husband. Get close to Him and His Word the Bible and go to church and give your kids a solid foundation in HIM even though your husband is a mess. And even though you don't feel 100% either. Jesus is enough even though we don't feel we are while dealing with a difficult marriage.

You and the kids need a solid foundation regardless of what foolishness your husband is involved in. His foolishness does not have to steer your life. He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and I want to encourage you to give him time to fall major big time before closing the door by divorce.

I so wish we had not rushed into our divorce believing there was no hope. Where Jesus is there IS hope no matter how stupid the situations are. To know it is ok to wait IN HIM. To find true comfort in Jesus - trusting HIM to take care of you.

I later found out that I needed to learn to trust Jesus - big time - more than before, all along. That had to be done either way and because divorce comes with it's own gut wrenching emotions we don't even know about., the road is made doubly more difficult to travel after the divorce.

And for some stupid human reason, the holidays make the emotions run even more contrary to good sense. Emotions are not to be trusted around this time of year. Please dig your feet in hard and solid IN Jesus and let Him carry you and your kids.

I was 47 at the time of our divorce and see you are only 38. Separation is needed for sure, calling your husband to accountability. Don't keep secrets for him with his parents. That is not your burden. I would tell them for sure that he has moved out. Another responsibility he should not be putting on you.
I will pray for you soccermom19. I know it is not easy., but with Jesus, you and your children will be safe. Surround your family with Jesus at home and be encouraged by His people in a good church. Jesus loves you more than you know.

ladylynn · Nov 15, 2014

soccermom19 said:

Biscuit,
I have avoided responding to this comment, but now I find myself needing to stand up for the truly innocent spouses out there who blame themselves. I once thought it must be something I did or didn't do. Now I understand that no matter what I did he would have broken our marriage vows and continued to do so.
Not that it is any of your business, but allow me to share my "fault" in this situation with you. We were married about three months when the collection calls started coming. My husband had mounds of debt from 3-4 years before that he had not been paying. I worked extra hours while attending college to pay these off. When we had been married for around a year, my husband was arrested for forging a check(he claims he didn't do it). My parents put up property to get him released and I supported him through it working extra hours while he completed his community service hours.
My husband joined the national guard and I supported him through multiple state duties and three deployments in Iraq. I took care of our three kids. I never cheated. I sent him packages and waited by the phone for his calls. I saved money to buy him a car. I forgave him when he went out on the town in NY city, while deployed, and spent so much money, on a hotel and alcohol, out of our account that the check I had written for a months worth of daycare for our kids bounced. I had no money, lived 9 hours away from family, had to wait two weeks to get paid, had to put gas in my car out of the lawn mower and gas jug to get to work, fed my kids what I had in the house, and borrowed money from a coworker for diapers. Luckily, I breast fed our 6 month old.
After finding out about a year long affair he had with my brothers wife, I forgave him and tried to work on our marriage. This was the first time that I EVER withheld sex from him for a while. After I found a condom wrapper, I went to marriage counseling and tried giving him the benefit of the doubt because he said he hadn't cheated. He didn't go to counseling. I quit being intimate with him when I asked him to leave two months ago, when on my birthday, I found out he had cheated on me again two weeks prior.
He quit going to church with me a few years after we were married.
So, other than being a blindly trusting and faithful wife, you tell me where my fault lies? It doesn't always take two.
I never once cheated. I never gave him a reason to doubt me. I was always with him or home with our kids. I gave up things I wanted to make sure he had what he wanted. God and family is my life. I spent my days teaching math to kids, at an alternative high school, who are in danger of not graduating. I came home, cooked, cleaned, carpooled, and spent my evenings with my husband when he was home. He works as a field tech who is on the road quite a bit. I help take care of his elderly parents, even now.
So, seriously does it ALWAYS take two? I am so tired of hearing that. So please, you tell me where my sin lies.

Dear soccermom19, I just read this after posting the first time so had no idea of the history of your marriage and family. Am so very sorry soccermom19. God bless you sister and I will be praying with more awareness about your situation. You sound like a wise young woman and a very good mother. Your situation is very complicated and I respect what you have done in spite of the road your husband has taken you on. I wouldn't dare give advice had i read this post of yours before.

God's continued blessing on you and your children. My prayers continue. In Jesus.,ladylynn

soccermom19 · Nov 15, 2014

ladylynn said:

Thank you for your support and prayers. I don't often share intimate details of my life. I am supposed to be a meek and humble servant. I only shared these details with the hope that someone else who may read this post thinking that her troubled marriage is in some way her fault, will realize that it doesn't always take two to end a marriage. It takes two to keep one together.

psychomom · Nov 15, 2014

soccermom19 said:

listen, darlin'...not one of us here is fit to judge you.

not one of us knows what you know, or has lived what you have lived.
we are not your kiddos' mommy, and we will not have to face what you will
should you choose divorce.

as my friend Chuck used to say, "s/he's not my servant."

but we can pray for you...and that is what i'll be doing. ♥

~ ellie

purpose · Nov 15, 2014

if and when you have a moment Please read 1 Corinthians 7: 10-17 This may answer a couple of ? you asked . In the part of your husband unbelieving. I pray that our heavenly Father Gives you Strength, peace, Guidance , understanding.

ChristIsGod · Nov 15, 2014

soccermom19 said:

No, it doesn't "take two" to end a marriage and you're a prime example of that.
Separation is the way to go. But it bothers me that he wants to see you and not the children.

God Bless you, soccermom!

VioletReigns · Nov 15, 2014

Dear Sister soccermom - You sound like you have a tender heart toward the Lord, courage to obey Him and much wisdom in this trial of faith. Much more than a lot of folks I know who went through the same ordeal.

I say, Peace at all costs! Even the disciples had to separate from one another in order to restore peace when there was head-to-head battles and disagreements between them. You have yourself and the kids to attend to presently. Your husband has chosen the path he wants to live for now. Yes, by all means share with his parents what has transpired. Just share facts without condemning your husband and then ask them to pray and be available for the children to help them adjust. I'm sure they will appreciate your honesty rather than finding out bits and pieces from gossipers or whomever.

As for divorce, you have all the time in the world to decide that. Put that on the back burner and just focus on establishing peace in your home for you and the kids. Myself, I would not allow him back into the home to visit because he's only interested in communicating with you, who knows why. Only God knows the workings of his heart. Make arrangements for him to visit the kids at his parents house, perhaps. But I would not commune with him without a counselor/pastor mediating. He's manipulated you long enough. Don't you think that would offer you more strength and peace?

I pray in Jesus' name the Lord continue to strengthen you and I know He will always meet your needs. I pray blessings abundantly for you and your children. I pray the glory of God upon your household. I pray your husband find no peace or security in his choice to live in sin and deceit. I pray the Lord take care of him and lead him to repentance. Mostly, I pray your eyes remain on Jesus and let Him deal with your husband. Peace to you, sister in Jesus' name. **hugs**

Advice about marriage and infidelity.

lefleener

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christianwife87

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MsSpratt

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secularhermit

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biscuit

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Yowie

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Bonita123

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soccermom19

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soccermom19

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seekingg

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soccermom19

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ladylynn

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purpose

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