How Much Money Does a Woman Have to Make to Be a Good "Help Mate"?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Singles,

Just a few things I was thinking about today. Some time ago, we used to have a group of gentlemen who would always complain on a regular basis that women were only out for money. I'm certainly not arguing that it doesn't happen (and for that, we women who AREN'T out for money are sorry for your bad experiences.)

But does anyone talk about the flip side of the coin? Guys, how much money does a woman have to make, or does she have to have a prestigious job in order for you to consider her worthy of your attention? Does money not matter to you at all? Would you be perfectly happy marrying a woman who didn't intend to work? Do you date women without jobs?

Here are the reasons why I ask:

1. I once had a conversation with a single guy who said he would never be with "a woman who sits around and knits all day. I want someone who (gets off their duff) and HELPS me (with my bills.)" I've had similar conversations with other men as well in which they make it clear that if a woman isn't going to help them pay for their children, house, car, etc., they will immediately move on. I realize that in an "ideal" relationship everyone's children become "part of the family" but I find it intimidating that someone would expect another person to jump in and pay for their family immediately. (I've been there and done that and it was frustrating and intimidating.)

2. I once had a guy on a first date ask me what I do for a living and when I answered, he looked at me with obvious disdain and said, "You're able to make it on that?" Apparently, that alone made me not good enough.

3. I am friends with a couple in NY who always tell me, "We wish you were out here--we have at least 3 guys we'd introduce you to!" One of the two is a very successful lawyer and many of their friends are "big time" lawyers. I can only imagine how well I'd fare in that crowd!!!

And it's not because of insecurity--I know who I am, and if it's not good enough, I'm obviously not the one for them. I don't come from a prestigious family--in fact, none of them went to college except my siblings and myself. My brothers are both extremely successful at billion-dollar companies without even needing a degree. (But I've also seen the price they pay--to them, a 40-hour-a-week job would be a hobby. Their "normal" work week is about 90 hours.) I was raised to work hard, and that's all I know, and it's always worked for me. God has always provided for me through work.

Christian women say they want a man who is a Godly leader and provider.

What then, do Christian men look for in a Godly "help mate" as far as everyday living and paying the bills?

Does being a help mate mean she should be able to pay a certain percentage of the bills and for the man's kids if he has them?

I would love to know both gender's thoughts and experiences. Ladies, do men reject you too because you don't make enough money or have a fancy job?

 

[Lynx]

It's really hard to answer this question because there are so many other factors in play. Is she raising our kids? How much housework does she do? What bills will we have? Will I be able to cover all the bills myself? If she has to get a job to make ends meet does she have to get a job wherever we are, or is relocating an option?

This is a can of worms that I don't think will have a real answer until/unless I meet and marry someone.

 

[T_Laurich]

It's really hard to answer this question because there are so many other factors in play. Is she raising our kids? How much housework does she do? What bills will we have? Will I be able to cover all the bills myself? If she has to get a job to make ends meet does she have to get a job wherever we are, or is relocating an option?

This is a can of worms that I don't think will have a real answer until/unless I meet and marry someone.

Agreed there are no cookie cutter answers...
Not a single one...

Me personally if my wife were to make more, I would not consider that a sin. I have no biblical grounds to say it is wrong... I might be wrong tho...

But money should always be third... it goes God, Family, money.
Finding a wife that is Godly is a better and more rare gem then a wife that makes a lot of money.

 

[LoganJ119]

Being chronically sick, this is the kind of thing I think about frequently. I spend the majority of my time either resting or recovering, I am not able to take care of myself, much less work, manage the home, or raise kids. I worry that I won't get married because of this.
Where I live its more common for guys to feel that they should be the main or only provider for the family, and sometimes it bothers them if their wife works on a regular basis, especially if she is making more money than him. Maybe its a pride thing, or maybe they genuinely feel convicted that providing should be their responsibility. I'm not a man so I don't know.
I think either extreme is wrong. If a man is demanding that you make a certain amount of money every year in order to be his wife, thats demeaning and crossing a line. Imagine if I declared I wouldn't marry a man unless he made a 6 figure salary?! I think most men would be offended.
There's nothing wrong with women working, or with women who chose to be stay-at-home moms, or women who find the way to balance both.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Yeah, I've got some single male friends from church/school and I've heard them say things like "in this day and age, I expect things to be 50/50. I don't want a lazy housewife. I want a woman who's going to pull her own weight"

Yikes. Don't get me wrong, a truly lazy woman is likely not going to be a suitable mate. Frankly, a lazy person in general, of either gender, would not make a good spouse IMO. But since this thread is about women, I'll stick to that topic.

I believe that there are other ways for a woman to "pull her own weight" in the family economy than to hold a job that makes 50% of the family income. It simply depends on the priorities and values of the couple. If a man holds the responsibilities of raising children and running a household in very high regard, there's no way he would look down on a woman who wanted to take on those responsibilities. Of course, there are other scenarios too. Maybe she works part time, or perhaps she works full time but still does not make anywhere near 50% of the family income. Regardless of the context, there are other responsibilities within the family aside from generating income. There are chores to be done, errands to run, children to raise, and the list goes on. But if a man is unable to see those things and only assigns value to a potential mate based on her income, then of course it follows that he would want a woman who makes whatever he deems a "good amount of money".

Thankfully, I know men that are looking for a woman with a good work ethic, rather than a particular size of her paycheck. And that is also what I looked for in a spouse. Your financial situation could change in a heartbeat. Stock markets may crash, companies may crumble overnight, and people get laid off. A good work ethic, on the other hand, is part of a person's character and is not as subject to the winds of change.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

2. I once had a guy on a first date ask me what I do for a living and when I answered, he looked at me with obvious disdain and said, "You're able to make it on that?" Apparently, that alone made me not good enough.

That's horrible! Not only is asking that sort of question as an icebreaker (let alone on a first date) so hackneyed and lame, but the reaction he gave is poor form.

If you're going to judge that sort of thing, do it by the meal the person orders or by their dental bling. Duh.

 

[MissCris]

I agree with LNF that a good work ethic is more important than how much money someone makes.

I would also say that How a woman spends money is a more important thing to consider, as well; what good is a woman's "earning power" if she blows all that money on frivolous stuff and therefore isn't much help at all?

 

[Oncefallen]

If I had been worried about my wife's earning power, I'd still be single.

I would also say that How a woman spends money is a more important thing to consider, as well; what good is a woman's "earning power" if she blows all that money on frivolous stuff and therefore isn't much help at all?

This is key. I've known people who earned a pauper's income who spent like a king and vice versa.

 

[posthuman]

wow, big turn-about of attitude from not-so-many-years-ago when it was frowned upon in our society for a woman to work at all, let alone contribute substantially to a families general $$ income!

there have been periods in my marriage where only i worked, where only my wife worked, where we both worked, and where we were both unemployed. my marital satisfaction has nothing to do with any of that. it never came up at all when we were dating, either. as far as i'm concerned, we are 'become one flesh' -- it is no different which one of us has which task, other than one maybe being better suited than the other. whatever 'division of labor' there is isn't because of some weird notions of propriety, but whatever the larger situation calls for.

 

[blueorchidjd]

All I have to say is that, if people really feel that it's going to be picture perfect where it's going to be the same thing for a very long time without consideration to the seasons that God brings into the lifetime, people may be in trouble. Life is about adapting anyway
I mean obviously it is good to have expectations but.....life changes I heard. lol

 

[seoulsearch]

I like that people are also bringing up the subject of money management. After all, the Bible has much to say about using wisdom when it comes to finances.

My parents have taught Christian financial classes in churches for about 15 years, all at their own expense. If someone wants counseling every week and lives 2 hours away, my parents go to them and never charge anyone anything.

My two favorite stories from their experiences are the one of a woman who had 32 credit cards, all maxed out. She was a single mom and didn't make much money. She told my father that she planned to leave a note for her family and commit suicide, because she saw no way out. My parents worked with her for two years. Today she not only has all her credit card bills paid off, but is completely debt-free. There are, however, no magic formulas. My parent's recommendations are always the same: 1. Cut spending in any way you can. 2. Sell whatever you can to generate cash to go towards your debts. 3. Downgrade as much as possible, whether it means your home, car, lifestyle, or gadgets. 4. Get a second job.

On the other side of the coin, they also counseled a couple making over $400,000 a year who rejected all of my parent's advice. The husband was a pediatrician and the wife had an equally prestigious career. They refused all suggestions for their budget and insisted they EACH needed at least $800 a week in spending money. They felt they had to have the best and latest of everything and would not give anything up.

Although they were very blessed in the area of medical knowledge, they had no knowledge in the area of money management. The husband simply wanted to hire my father to handle their affairs but my Dad declined, wanting to spend his energy on my parent's ministry.

This couple was earning what most of us could only dream of. And yet... they were the ones who went broke... and filed for divorce.

 

[Lynx]

I forget who, but someone did a study comparing how much people make and how much they say that would like to make. Across the board people said if they made 20% more than what they currently made it would make them happy.

 

[seoulsearch]

P.S. The point of my story was...

I'd take a guy who makes $24,000 a year who knows how to manage it and has his bills paid than someone who makes $400,000 and lets it run like water any day.

 

[Oncefallen]

1. Cut spending in any way you can. 2. Sell whatever you can to generate cash to go towards your debts. 3. Downgrade as much as possible, whether it means your home, car, lifestyle, or gadgets. 4. Get a second job.

Sounds like Dave Ramsey......who's show I love. Do they tell people to name the family dog E Bay?

They refused all suggestions for their budget and insisted they EACH needed at least $800 a week in spending money.

Wow!!!! Most people in the US would be tickled pink if they saw a paycheck this big.

 

[maxwel]

Does being a help mate mean she should be able to pay a certain percentage of the bills and for the man's kids if he has them?

This has never even crossed my mind.

It just isn't something I care about.

 

[seoulsearch]

Sounds like Dave Ramsey......who's show I love. Do they tell people to name the family dog E Bay?

I know Dave Ramsey is extremely popular right now... My parents have been through all his classes several times... But my Dad actually prefers to base his lesson plan on the style of Larry Burkett. As for the spiritual side, my Dad also became and ordained minister to keep everything in balance (you can call me a late-blooming Pastor's Kid ).

My Dad was also dismayed that Dave Ramsey's course pack costs $100, which seemed awful steep for people who don't have money to spare in the first place. My parents chose instead to develop their own materials and distribute them for free.

My parents inst

 

[Oncefallen]

I know Dave Ramsey is extremely popular right now... My parents have been through all his classes several times... But my Dad actually prefers to base his lesson plan on the style of Larry Burkett.

I'm familiar with Larry Burkett who long pre-dated Dave Ramsey in being a proponent of debt free living. You just don't hear the name Larry Burkett outside of Christian circles.

In reality I would consider Dave Ramsey for $100 to be a bargain since bankruptcy costs by far (minimum 10 times) more.

I am a proponent of churches doing regular classes on biblical financial practices especially when the number one reason cited for divorce is financial issues.

 

[Chopper]

Money is the root of all evil, so we should judge one another accordingly? I think not!

Money is of no concern to me in regards to any person, rich or poor, for that is simply in reference to worldly possessions, to which shall pass away. It is not yours permanently, as once you pass away, it all gets put back in the box and given to someone else to use.

True wealth is the understanding of the will of our Father in the shamayim.

 

[seoulsearch]

I'm familiar with Larry Burkett who long pre-dated Dave Ramsey in being a proponent of debt free living. You just don't hear the name Larry Burkett outside of Christian circles.

In reality I would consider Dave Ramsey for $100 to be a bargain since bankruptcy costs by far (minimum 10 times) more.

I am a proponent of churches doing regular classes on biblical financial practices especially when the number one reason cited for divorce is financial issues.

*Notices all the mistakes in her posts.* Who needs sleep? Certainly not I... ARGH. I agree that the $100 is well worth the cost if that's what people have available to them or if it will work for them. For their own classes, however, my parents choose to distribute a packet on their own for free instead.

It's kind of funny that in a lot of Christian circles, no one wants to talk about money. Some people will cite that it's "too worldly", "our riches are in Christ," and "seek ye first the kingdom of God."

My Dad always mentions in his classes that Jesus spoke more about money than love and faith combined, so money management obviously must have some importance to God.

I'm not saying there isn't merit in some of the hyper-spiritual answers but one must also look at the reality of life. I'm glad you mentioned that money is the number one cause of divorce--whether Christian or not... and sometimes... It also seems as if money is a top priority in choosing whom to marry as well--which is probably a red flag right off the bat.

 

[seoulsearch]

Money is the root of all evil, so we should judge one another accordingly? I think not!

True wealth is the understanding of the will of our Father in the shamayim.

If you read the passage, it actually says: "For the LOVE of money is the root of all (many different) kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." 1 Timothy 6:10

I believe one of those many griefs can be choosing or rejecting someone based on the love of money.

I agree that money is useless once we die... But while we're still here, God also wants us to make wise decisions about it.