Marrying because of your struggle with sex

IBDesmond · Jan 4, 2015

I keep coming across the topic that if people are struggling with sexual immorality, impure thoughts, etc, they should get married because that's what the bible teaches.

Now, this is not a scripture that I have looked into but I can't help that think that this scripture (1 Corinthians 7:9) is being taken out of context.
The verse says:

But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry,
for it is better to marry than to burn with passion

Okay....here is my view of the scripture.
The verse says "they"...not "you". I believe that if a person is can't control himself, he should focus on God till the fruit of self-control blossoms in his life. He shouldn't enter in a relationship and get married. I won't even get into the verses the follow but I don't believe that a man or woman should marry because of their lack of self-control but if they are in a relationship with each other and they can't control themselves then....even that I struggle with. How much of a dysfunctional marriage will they have if the only reason they're together is because of sex? I can only see more harm than good.

Can you imagine talking to someone or even being that person yourself that says "Well the only reason we are married is because they couldn't control themselves. They were burning inside with lust and so it was easier for us to get married than for him to deal with his lust and to learn to control himself. Basically you would be nothing more than a sex object....like....if we really break it down to layman's terms...that's basically what you would be. An instrument for sex. You would only be there...for sex....how low would you feel? How devalued would you feel?

I think that telling people to marry if they can't control themselves is shocking advice. Absolutely shocking.

Discuss this with me people! Talk me through it!

Malcyboy · Jan 4, 2015

only thing I'd add is that, I feel on one hand here Paul perhaps isn't teaching to marry for sake of sex...but like for example if i was vegetarian "I would rather starve than eat meat!" I believe what Paul here is saying is, if you lack such power as to even control your physical body's urges, then rather you marry and have sex within a permitted boundary, than burn with passion and have sex in a ungodly situation...its not a encouraging message here, its if you cant even control yourself better do the only thing you can to save your sorry self lol

But i also think you could be right and that it may refer to people who are 'flirtatious' , people who want each other sexually....so rather be held in judgement for the sin of unlawful sex, marry and have a godly sexual relationship and then in reality your bound by the word of God to not divorce...

and you mention about that degrading sense of being a means for sex...thats kinda what i feel paul is really referring to...Like i dont mean its to be little those who are struggling with sexual sin...but its for those people who just cannot find it in themselves to ever be celibate... Then just marry for the sake of your soul....the lowest rung on the ladder so to speak..

Jeff_56 · Jan 4, 2015

[h=1]1 Corinthians 7 J.B. Phillips New Testament (PHILLIPS)[/h] [h=3]The question of marriage in present circumstances[/h]7 [SUP]1-2 [/SUP]Now let me deal with the questions raised in your letter. It is a good principle for a man to have no physical contact with women. Nevertheless, because casual liaisons are so prevalent, let every man have his own wife and every woman her own husband.

Lynx · Jan 4, 2015

Have you ever thought that being married might protect you from others of the opposite sex who would bring you down?

I think about this often because I'm a minister and I'm single. Any woman could play the role of Potiphar's wife. In fact, for legal and indemnity reasons I have to ask one of the ladies at church to ride with me on the bus route if I'm picking up a young lady. (I call the church lady's job "indemnity patrol.") But were my wife there with me such claims against my character would have little weight.

IBDesmond · Jan 4, 2015

You'd think that. I've had many a discussion with married people. It doesn't stop some people you know

JonahLynx · Jan 4, 2015

The context of 1 Corinthians is important. Here, Paul is writing to a church which preached that celibacy is mandatory for all Christians, and that physical relations are sinful because the flesh is fallen. Many men and women of Corinth who did not have the gift of celibacy then became oppressed by these unbiblical laws and began to "burn with passion;" as a result, some broke down from the pressure and ended up becoming deviant. 1 Corinthians 7 addresses this problem by saying that neither celibacy nor marriage is sinful. We are each to live a life according to our specific calling, and to impose celibacy (or marriage) on someone who has not been called to it causes problems.

The verse quoted in the OP can be summarized, "If you can remain celibate, try your best to do so; but it is wrong for Corinth to prevent you from sexual relations in marriage because God has not prohibited this." Paul is not saying, "It is okay to marry purely for sexual reasons," (although it is not inherently sinful to marry on this basis either, simply unwise). He is speaking to a group which was going through an unreasonable and unnecessary degree of temptation caused by the church. Marriage provides a refuge for the flesh and defuses the buried tension.

zeroturbulence · Jan 4, 2015

I don't struggle with sex at all. In fact, I wouldn't even know where to find it.

JesusLives · Jan 4, 2015

How many threads have been started where guys are having problems with porn on internet and how many are confessing they lust after women? Many so I believe Paul was addressing these guys/gals saying......Look it is better for you to pursue and marry a wife/husband than to burn in Hell because of lust. A godly man/woman will have that connection of prayer and Bible study if he/she already wants God to be first in his/her life he/she will be praying for the right woman/man to be lead to him/her with God's help and God understands the desires of our hearts and would be happy to help any of us coming to Him with a request for a mate.

As far as cheaters if they don't have that connection with God or their spouse then they will probably stray. I know when I was married the first time there were a couple of different tests that came my way and I had opportunity to cheat. I loved my husband and I said no as I believe that once you are married you are married and no one should come between you and your spouse.

Believe me I have failed in some of my testing but as far as a faithful spouse went that test I passed. Like everyone else I am still a work in progress. Thank God for grace and mercy.

Trailblazer · Jan 4, 2015

Lynx said:

When I am at Church. I see married couples as being in the fortunate place to be able to avoid one of the strongest most powerful temptations of them all. That being lust. Obviously this applys to those people of good character.
Being a guy who has been approached by women all of his life. This is a place where the ball can be dropped fairly easy. For being in a relationship can put one in a state of bliss. "Good feelings"

Sad that in the world today. So calif anyway. Marriage is a very dangerous, high risk of emotional and financial loss.
The anger can only be directed at Satan for this. Puts one in limbo of what to do. I do soon plan to talk to the Lord about this issue with a sit down on top of one of his mountains.

I did miss the part of you being single on my first read. All still applys though.

Lynx · Jan 4, 2015

What I meant is, if a flirty girl started coming on to a guy who was married, he could call his wife over and pretty effectively defuse the situation. I know married guys who have had the situation to deal with, and have dealt with it by bringing their wives into the conversation. For some reason these guys I know always know where in the room their wives are...

Trailblazer · Jan 4, 2015

Never thought of being rescued by a wife. lol Being married or in a relationship. One is off of the market. I am not one to eat the chocolate cake just because it is in front of me. Best to avoid the temptation though.

IBDesmond · Jan 4, 2015

JonahLynx said:

Thanks for that pal. I realise that the controversial parts, of Paul's letters are usually addressing specific things within a particular church. I knew there would have been some deeper context to it.

JesusLives said:

Burn in hell?....sorry what?

shellybell7 · Jan 4, 2015

I think it's plain and spelled out. Marry if you can't control your urges. People marry for a whole treasure trove of reasons and not surprisingly love isn't one of them. I'd marry for sex just being honest.

Liamson · Jan 4, 2015

Before this place turns into some kind of Biblical dating for sex echo chamber, I would like perhaps acknowledge that he is referring to people already there, in a relationship.

For instance, he is not referring to you, internet jockey, who "Burns with lust" all day looking at porn. He is not referring to lonely Theodore, who pines over women's bodies all day.

He is talking about and to people who are in a relationship, but delay getting married and verge on sinning against one another. Barbara wants the perfect Wedding, Gary has been saving for months, but its going to be another year before her dreams come true. Meanwhile, movie nights get a little friskier, boundaries get pushed and its only a matter of time before shame and guilt cover the relationship like a wet blanket. Therefore, Paul says its better to get married than to burn with lust.

So just to recap, If you're thinking, "Man, I love sex! I love sex so much I should just go get married! Heck that's what the Bible says!! I need to find me a wife, for sex!!!"

Oncefallen · Jan 4, 2015

What he said^^^

gypsygirl · Jan 5, 2015

i am still kind of amazed by the number of people who encourage couples who are having sex to go ahead and marry because they are already failing to honor God in their relationship, and therefore, the encouraged correction is to simply marry, and the post script is "oh, and by the way, you should be sorry for that, repent..." and so on.

i see it here all the time, and it mostly drives me crazy. it makes me sad that marriage is viewed in such a negative, catch-all way. i think God had a higher notion in mind.

we don't send drunks to bars to work out their issues, any more than we send the unsaved to a barbecue to acquaint themselves with a concept of hell.

and the reason why is because the behavior is only a noisy, messy symptom of a problem that is far bigger.

marriage is not a band-aid to fix behavior that is evidence of lacking obedience, boundaries, a commitment to fleeing sin, and hearty, general abandon of God's best (and commanded) path along with massive levels of denial and unbelief.

and that kind of habitual sin is only revealing all of the above, but inability to adhere to standards, and generally respecting and honoring one another. many seem to gloss over the fact that engaging in sexual activity is a big shiny red flag that you aren't showing a lot of capability of respecting and honoring a person whom you claim to love.

and further, it shows you need a good lesson on what love actually is.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 corinthians 13:4-7

however, i don't doubt that a couple can overcome that, repent, start on a new, better path and eventually marry. but that takes time, and a different commitment, first.

down the road, the same attitudes and shortcoming that lead a couple to sin against themselves and each other sexually, will manifest a lot of other disrespectful, and unhealthy behavior that has no shortcut or correction. just more consequence of sinful behavior.

and i sort of resent the notion of marriage. marriage isn't supposed to be hamburger helper for the spiritually lazy.

kayem77 · Jan 5, 2015

As others have pointed out, I think it's important to note what Paul has been talking about. He has been talking about the benefits of celibacy but then addresses the problem of sexual immorality. Paul says ( and clarifies his words are not a command) that being single is better(v.7). But goes on to say: ... "But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. 8 Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry,for it is better to marry than to burn with passion".

So, the way I read it, this verse is just saying that if you don't have the gift of celibacy, and you desire to marry, it's better to do so than live a life of unnecessary celibacy, because marriage is not bad. There were people saying that in order to serve God you had to be single, so Paul was probably addressing that issue. Which we also see in the Catholic Church for example, maybe they had the same issue going on and Paul wanted to say "hey, you can still serve God as a married person".
What it doesn't say is that this should be the only reason why you marry, or that you should marry the first person you meet, or whoever you're dating just because you are "burning with passion". What it is saying is that if you don't want to be single, you can marry. The option is there and it doesn't overrule our command to practice self control and wisdom.

Gandalf · Jan 5, 2015

This is a difficult topic and I talk from personal experience. I was a virgin (waiting for the one) until about 28 and I met this girl and we had sex. She basically manipulated me into getting married to her and I felt like that was the right thing to do (because of what the Bible says) so I did it. After two years of a loveless marriage she asked me when we will have kids and I took my stuff and leave. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

Be careful guys before sleeping with a lady as that was reserved for the covenant between husband and wife…

Lynx · Jan 5, 2015

"hamburger helper for the spiritually lazy..."

Sometimes you crack me up girl.

ChandlerFan · Jan 5, 2015

Simply put, a desire for physical intimacy is a reason to get married, but it shouldn't be the primary reason. Also, notice that I didn't say that habitual lust is a reason to get married. If there is habitual sexual sin in a person's life, that is going to cause issues in a marriage that can be destructive. God can redeem that type of marriage and circumstance no doubt, but that doesn't mean it's okay to put yourself and even moreso a potential spouse in that position. I would even go so far as to say that it's selfish of someone to enter into a marriage while they are knowingly habitually sinning sexually.

Also, usually when a person struggles habitually with sexual sin, it's because there are much deeper issues going on that need to be addressed, and in this case I'm not just talking about idolatry. There are deep hurts in a person's life that lead to such a struggle, and if those aren't addressed, then the sexual sin remains a cheap bandaid for those hurts while marriage then become a bigger cheap bandaid for all of it, and that is not what marriage was intended to be.

Side note: I speak about the nature of habitual lust as a man who has struggled with it and is still on the road to recovery. I hope that I do not sound condemning or holier-than-thou as I am right there in the battle too. The things I'm saying are things that I have learned as I have journeyed toward recovery, mainly via a church accountability/support group and the extremely helpful curriculum we have used.

Marrying because of your struggle with sex

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