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S
Thank you all for the responses. You won't believe how many people on CC have told me it is unreasonable to make him schedule counseling, that I should do it myself. Hence the reason for this post.
Update: Tonight my hubby told me that he thinks he may have PTSD. He says that a lot has changed for him since coming back from Iraq(approx 5 years ago). That he only feels comfortable talking to people who were over there with him. He wants to go to counseling but just can't. He says he knows he messed up and I should do what I have to do. I should tell you that he was deployed three times in the last 12 years. Two of which were in Iraq.
Personally, I think he is full of it. I think he is trying to continue to pull at my heart strings. That he is trying to find any excuse he can to get me to take him back without counseling. He knows that I would feel sorry for him if he had PTSD. He knows I would want to help him. He also knows this is a hard time of year for me to be separated. Sunday will mark 20 years since we started dating.
It makes me angry to think he is pretending to have PTSD. Or at least using it as an excuse for his behavior.
Update: Tonight my hubby told me that he thinks he may have PTSD. He says that a lot has changed for him since coming back from Iraq(approx 5 years ago). That he only feels comfortable talking to people who were over there with him. He wants to go to counseling but just can't. He says he knows he messed up and I should do what I have to do. I should tell you that he was deployed three times in the last 12 years. Two of which were in Iraq.
Personally, I think he is full of it. I think he is trying to continue to pull at my heart strings. That he is trying to find any excuse he can to get me to take him back without counseling. He knows that I would feel sorry for him if he had PTSD. He knows I would want to help him. He also knows this is a hard time of year for me to be separated. Sunday will mark 20 years since we started dating.
It makes me angry to think he is pretending to have PTSD. Or at least using it as an excuse for his behavior.
M
Don't take the PTSD thing too hard, us men we sometimes clutch at straws to try to explain our behavior but the reality is we don't really know.
You are definitely rite to insist he gets counseling and probably more. Perhaps you can find a Christian veterans men's group, or, here is a crazy thought, he can start one himself!
You are definitely rite to insist he gets counseling and probably more. Perhaps you can find a Christian veterans men's group, or, here is a crazy thought, he can start one himself!
J
I'm NOT an authority on PTSD by any means, but due to my line of work, I have worked with this nation's veterans for the last 12+ years and I've personally spoken with THOUSANDS of veterans who do have PTSD and I doubt that even a single one of them would ever even suggest that marital unfaithfulness is a result of the same.
I have not read any of the other replies but here is my honest opinion and that the wife is being reasonable but not to bright. Two affairs and a "joke"? And you still want to take him back. In my opinion and this is ONLY my opinion but the husband is playing you and even if he does make the appointment he is just going to say what he knows the counselor and you want to hear and be having an affair behind your back as soon as he finds someone to have it with. I do not like the idea of anyone getting a divorce but hate to see someone hanging on when the writing is on the wall. If you do take him back please be smart and get financial things in order. Meaning please make sure you have an exit strategy in place and have a divorce attorney on retainer. I am sorry but this is how I feel. The last few yrs seen the same things happen to both male and female friends in my life. Please proceed slow and with caution if you take him back.
S
Thank you for your concern. I often feel the same way. I really feel that my marriage is over. However, I don't want there to be a single doubt in my own mind or heart that I didn't give God enough time to work on my husband's heart. With God, all is possible. But, I do feel that God wants me to proceed this way. My hubby is out of the home, has clear expectations of what his first step must be, and hopefully realizes by now that I am not backing down. He can either choose Satan's path or his family. As for divorce, I may one day cross that path. As for now, my next step, when I choose to take it, would be a legal separation. I believe that marriage is forever. It breaks my fragile heart to think that at the age of 38 I may be single for the rest of my life. But then, I consider the possibility that God has plans for me that I am yet to know or understand and I take comfort in my faith and God's love for me.
R
Sorrormom, yeah Im with those who said you're being lovely and lenient. If i messed up that badly I would expect to have to walk through a mile of poop.Your ability to forgive astounds me. Just make sure you are forgiving and not being a doormat, there's a difference.
But I do believe your heart is for reconciliation, and that is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of.
Forgiveness is one thing, but trust, as you wisely know, needs to be built once it's broken.
As for his PTSD, even if it's true, two wrongs do not make a right. If he's really serious about saving his marriage with you, he might just need to go to two sets of counselling. One for his marriage, and one for his PTSD.
Bless you sister, I hope things get better for you.
But I do believe your heart is for reconciliation, and that is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of.
Forgiveness is one thing, but trust, as you wisely know, needs to be built once it's broken.
As for his PTSD, even if it's true, two wrongs do not make a right. If he's really serious about saving his marriage with you, he might just need to go to two sets of counselling. One for his marriage, and one for his PTSD.
Bless you sister, I hope things get better for you.
S
Thank you Rush for the advice and kind words. I am just trying to follow what God would have me to do. Many times I think it would be easier to get divorced. But, I don't think divorce should be easy for anyone. There is a purpose for my journey, I have faith in that. I just can't fathom what it is yet.
God Bless!
God Bless!
N
I can't speak for other women, but I don't gossip about my husband in general with other women, and I certainly don't discuss my sex life with anyone besides my husband. My view is I should be lifting my husband up to other women, not discussing details of our life.
Then again I have been told I am "unique" (okay so the word most use is odd, but hey, it's my story and I can spin it how I want).
Then again I have been told I am "unique" (okay so the word most use is odd, but hey, it's my story and I can spin it how I want).
C
Hi soccermom. i am going to tell you the God's honest truth, counseling will not work. What he needs is to "hurt enough" to make a change. His behavior with other women has taken on the noose of addiction and until an addict hits rock bottom, until the emotional, mental, physical and financial pain becomes more than he can take he simply won't seek help. At least that is the average for men. Clearly losing your trust and some or all of your regard is not enough pain. being made to leave the family home is not enough pain. losing daily access to his children is not enough pain. But believe me that pain is building. When will it be enough? i wish i could say but if varies from person to person.
First and foremost you need to cover him with pray. This should be the first line of attack in what is clearly a spiritual attack on your marriage. Make it a point to pray for him, for his addiction, for his victims ( you, the kids, and even the women he cheated with), Pray that God would put people in his life that will not shirk from confronting him on his behavior.
Next, take a person inventory of yourself as a wife. Now i am not blaming you for his actions. even if you were the world worst wife, cheating was his choice. However, men need cheerleaders. men that become work-aholics generally do so because work is more emotional rewarding than home. At work they get told they did a good job, they are part of the team, they are valuable. While both husbands and wives should cheerlead each other men are especially vulnerable to seeking approval elsewhere when they don't get it at home.
Next, take inventory of what is left you can deny him short of divorce. believe me in order for him to hit rock bottom it will take a great deal of loss. One thing you may be able to deny him is his excuse. He claims PTSD. so call your local military base and ask for the senior chaplin and invite both him and the chaplin to lunch. as a military man he should fell comfortable with a military chaplin and the chaplin should have plenty of experience with PTSD.
hopefully at some point, and soon, he will come to the place where help becomes something valuable to him. when that happens what he needs is not counseling but an accountablilty support group that specializes in sexual addiction, Christian ones has a much higher success rate than their secular counterparts.
about 90 days into joining the accountability group, then christian counseling for both of you will be both possible and of benefit to both of you. In the mean time find a good christian counselor for yourself to help you release the emotional baggage that is piling up.
I hope this helps you. I know its not encouraging now but if you can wait it out till he is in enough pain to change your marriage could be truly saved.
First and foremost you need to cover him with pray. This should be the first line of attack in what is clearly a spiritual attack on your marriage. Make it a point to pray for him, for his addiction, for his victims ( you, the kids, and even the women he cheated with), Pray that God would put people in his life that will not shirk from confronting him on his behavior.
Next, take a person inventory of yourself as a wife. Now i am not blaming you for his actions. even if you were the world worst wife, cheating was his choice. However, men need cheerleaders. men that become work-aholics generally do so because work is more emotional rewarding than home. At work they get told they did a good job, they are part of the team, they are valuable. While both husbands and wives should cheerlead each other men are especially vulnerable to seeking approval elsewhere when they don't get it at home.
Next, take inventory of what is left you can deny him short of divorce. believe me in order for him to hit rock bottom it will take a great deal of loss. One thing you may be able to deny him is his excuse. He claims PTSD. so call your local military base and ask for the senior chaplin and invite both him and the chaplin to lunch. as a military man he should fell comfortable with a military chaplin and the chaplin should have plenty of experience with PTSD.
hopefully at some point, and soon, he will come to the place where help becomes something valuable to him. when that happens what he needs is not counseling but an accountablilty support group that specializes in sexual addiction, Christian ones has a much higher success rate than their secular counterparts.
about 90 days into joining the accountability group, then christian counseling for both of you will be both possible and of benefit to both of you. In the mean time find a good christian counselor for yourself to help you release the emotional baggage that is piling up.
I hope this helps you. I know its not encouraging now but if you can wait it out till he is in enough pain to change your marriage could be truly saved.
Heyy I just wanted to put in my two cents here, although I completely understand where both of these comments are coming from and can respect them.
I do want to say that each individual has a personal relationship with Jesus, and each person is responsible for living up to the vows or promises that they committed to keep (to God and man) REGARDLESS of feelings and emotions. Emotions should follow actions, not the other way around -that is Gods intention for the christian life. There can be no excuse (although we are always tempted to give excuses and find excuses to justify or explain situations) for the behaviour of a Christian spouse/partner. His feelings or need for excitement or whatnot are not even acceptable in a worldly sense, let alone a Godly one. His actions are just plain wrong, and his behaviour selfish (also fleshly/ worldly), and until he is convicted and falls in love with the Father, there is nothing you can do but pray and pray and pray and focus on the Father yourself (so that he may see it). Your relationship with Jesus shouldnt be all about your husband, because you have a separate love relationship with God and you can and will find incredible joy in that. Your husband needs his own relationship with God and that is how a healthy marriage is structured, otherwise the 'fixes' will likely only be temporary. Its a sin issue and must be cut at the root. So it is great that you have decided not to enable him by sticking around and accepting fault after fault.
Sin/temptation always starts in the mind before it becomes an action, and if there are problems in the marriage where neglect or lonliness is an issue and a person is tempted to get involved with other people, they ALWAYS have the option of expressing that to their spouse before those sins are born into actions. Thats wisdom. Those things and feelings will happen in marriages, and even any relationships, but cheating is not an excuse or a means to justify loneliness and can always be avoided.
I also want to express to you my dear, that his actions are NOT your fault, and it doesnt make you less lovely or beautiful or less desireable. You are the daughter of a King and so precious in His eyes; and there is nothing wrong with you loving your husband either, but there is unhealthiness (if thats a word lol) in feeling like you have somehow caused this or that you can somehow change it.
Trust in Jesus with everything before you, and sending you a big big hug.
I do want to say that each individual has a personal relationship with Jesus, and each person is responsible for living up to the vows or promises that they committed to keep (to God and man) REGARDLESS of feelings and emotions. Emotions should follow actions, not the other way around -that is Gods intention for the christian life. There can be no excuse (although we are always tempted to give excuses and find excuses to justify or explain situations) for the behaviour of a Christian spouse/partner. His feelings or need for excitement or whatnot are not even acceptable in a worldly sense, let alone a Godly one. His actions are just plain wrong, and his behaviour selfish (also fleshly/ worldly), and until he is convicted and falls in love with the Father, there is nothing you can do but pray and pray and pray and focus on the Father yourself (so that he may see it). Your relationship with Jesus shouldnt be all about your husband, because you have a separate love relationship with God and you can and will find incredible joy in that. Your husband needs his own relationship with God and that is how a healthy marriage is structured, otherwise the 'fixes' will likely only be temporary. Its a sin issue and must be cut at the root. So it is great that you have decided not to enable him by sticking around and accepting fault after fault.
Sin/temptation always starts in the mind before it becomes an action, and if there are problems in the marriage where neglect or lonliness is an issue and a person is tempted to get involved with other people, they ALWAYS have the option of expressing that to their spouse before those sins are born into actions. Thats wisdom. Those things and feelings will happen in marriages, and even any relationships, but cheating is not an excuse or a means to justify loneliness and can always be avoided.
I also want to express to you my dear, that his actions are NOT your fault, and it doesnt make you less lovely or beautiful or less desireable. You are the daughter of a King and so precious in His eyes; and there is nothing wrong with you loving your husband either, but there is unhealthiness (if thats a word lol) in feeling like you have somehow caused this or that you can somehow change it.
Trust in Jesus with everything before you, and sending you a big big hug.
I think that what is unreasonable is for him to expect you to tolerate cheating at all.
If your state allows it, I would suggest that you separate and file for separate support. That way he won't be able to afford to cheat unless he is independently wealthy.
You have Scriptural grounds for divorce; but I got the impression that you might not want to pursue that option.
If your state allows it, I would suggest that you separate and file for separate support. That way he won't be able to afford to cheat unless he is independently wealthy.
You have Scriptural grounds for divorce; but I got the impression that you might not want to pursue that option.
B
Just me, if I was in your shoes.. I know the bible says turn the other cheek but it also calls husbands and wives to be faithful to one another.
If it were me and my wife had cheated on me just one time, I don't think I could keep her. I know that sounds cold harted, but If I were to give her a second chance & if I was not looking to find fault in that person & something ocured again. For me that would be it, but after the first time we would n0ot be sleeping in the same room ever again.
They make sofas and dog houses for a reason.
I am divorced for reasons.. i will not put on here, just say it was a bad idea for us to even have gotten married to begin with, i had married for lust and no for love so whatever happened after that to me is my fault anyways.
If it were me and my wife had cheated on me just one time, I don't think I could keep her. I know that sounds cold harted, but If I were to give her a second chance & if I was not looking to find fault in that person & something ocured again. For me that would be it, but after the first time we would n0ot be sleeping in the same room ever again.
They make sofas and dog houses for a reason.
I am divorced for reasons.. i will not put on here, just say it was a bad idea for us to even have gotten married to begin with, i had married for lust and no for love so whatever happened after that to me is my fault anyways.