8 year old daughter

Fenner · Mar 22, 2015

As the title says, this is about my 8 year old daughter. Of course I love my Daughter, I just don't understand her.

She's like a mini shopaholic, who goes into a temper-tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants. She will do this in public, private, in the car, anywhere, 5 million people could see her behave this way and she doesn't care.

She's very well behaved in school and does use manners, she says please and thank you and is kind to others.

For the last couple of years she's become so attached to me. She will go to school just fine, but when I have to go somewhere when they're home, like work or today for example I had to go to the store and I know if I bring her she will have a fit if I don't let her buy anything, I had to have my Husband hold her while I got out the door and into the car. When she goes into these tantrums I try my best to ignore her, unless I can't like at a store. I can't just let her flip out. I've actually left the store with her screaming because I just don't think the public should have to deal with her.

She's been doing this for a couple of years. I've tried everything I can think of to get it to stop. I just don't know what to do anymore. She's in my Sunday school class and that went fine, when it was over we were standing in the church lobby and she asked me about getting batteries for something. I said, I will, we're going home, then I'm going to go get them. Then it was like a light switch, well we need to get them now. So we walked out and I just stared and said enough! My Husband didn't say anything. So on the way home, luckily only 2 blocks I heard about batteries. Oh and she lost the leg of this stupid toy she has and was flipping out about that.

Later we went to the library, in the car on the way home, Mom, I lost a couple shopkins, I want to go to Toys R Us and get more. Me, well save money and you can get them. That went over like a lead balloon.

I don't know if I should be telling the world about my child. I am just at my wit's end with her and don't know what to do anymore. It's wearing me down. My Husband work's a lot and just yell's when she starts. He asked me today to please stop her from whining. I said, yeah because I'm so good at that. Seriously??? Why don't you help???I love her but I'm constantly with her and I just don't think I'm doing things right. I was hoping she'd grow of this and just stop, but it's not happening. I've punished her, I've spanked her, I don't hit hard and I don't do it often, I was really angry and then I felt terrible because I really don't think it helped at all.

I got nothing, other than sending her to military school. Any one else have any clue of something that might help?

tourist · Mar 22, 2015

Maybe you need a weekend just by yourself. Let her rag on dad for a couple days and see how that plays out. Something is definitely bothering your daughter and she is acting out on you.

Fenner · Mar 22, 2015

Well I'm going out with a friend next Saturday evening. Probably dinner or something. She's going to stay with him and her Brother.

I don't know if anything is bothering her or she's frankly just a brat sometimes. She's always been headstrong and independent, which can be two good trait's, unless you're using them to tick your Mom off, lol.

Reborn · Mar 22, 2015

I have a daughter who is about to turn 8 in a few months.
She loves Shopkins too. (what's up with that, btw?)

When she acts up, I talk to her like an adult.
Literally. I will go into news, politics, etc.

It sends her into confusion. She calms down, and then asks me why I do, or say things like that?
I tell her how unfair and wild the world can be.....and how great she has got it.

I use to show her how kids lived in other countries.

She has stopped acting up, .......because she knows Dad will go into a long lecture with her.

zaoman32 · Mar 22, 2015

I know my oldest tends to throw a fit if doesn't get EXACTLY what it is he wants, and got to the point where he just wanted me and his mom to buy him stuff constantly, so I made the decision to not buy him anything anymore outside of holidays and his birthday. I told him there were kids more deserving and needy and it was our priority to help them since we could. For some reason something clicked and he just got it after that.

Fenner · Mar 22, 2015

Reborn and Zaoman those are both really good ideas and I'm going to do those things. I'm glad that she isn't the only child above the age of 4 who does these things. I was starting to get worried. She just came down and sweetly asked me if I wanted to watch Horton Hear's a Who with her, she started the movie and went upstairs to play a game with her brother. So I'm watching Horton Hear's a Who, the old Dr. Seuss cartoon not the movie they made a few years ago.

We got rid of cable a few month's ago partly because they were exposed to so many commercials I thought it might help her not to see those as much. Well yesterday she said, Mom I'll stop bugging you if you get cable again. I told her, Um, you won't because I know you and we aren't getting cable again.

Reborn I don't understand Shopkins, I guess they collect them. She's used her own money to buy some a couple of time's. She also got a few for Christmas. My 76 year old Mom wanted to get her some. It was hard to explain what they were. My Mom kept asking, so they're little food people with names? I told her just to ask a store clerk if she wanted to get them.

Galahad · Mar 22, 2015

Fenner said:

Your husband didn't say anything. He tells you to get her to stop. You need your husband to step up and assist. Your daughter needs to be taught. You and your husband should talk to her. Listen to her. And then set the standard. It's simple: Temper tantrums are not allowed. Period.
My child had one. And it was the last one. Done. Over. Sadly, you don't have support. In fact, your daughter plays on her daddy's unwillingness to step in.

Hope he will do his part. Hope your daughter gets the correct attention and guidance. If she doesn't, her behavior and attitude will only get worse.

Reborn · Mar 22, 2015

Fenner said:

I'm always stepping on those Shopkins.

Thank you. I just try to talk to her like an adult sometimes.

It's something my parents never really did, until I graduated HS.
Up until then, they always treated me like a kid. I didn't like it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm always giving my daughter hugs and kisses, whatnot. (Lots of "she's my little girl" love.)
......but if she wants to come at me like an adult, I let her see how adults treat and respond to real problems.

God Bless.
I hope it all works out for you, Fenner.

Kaycie · Mar 22, 2015

Give her a little purse with a notepad and pen. Have her write on the inside cover, "___'s Want List." Let her decorate around the title. When she is in the store, and sees something she wants, remind her to put it on her Want List. When she's home, have her enter those things on a list on the computer so that she can put the things she wants most at the top, and the things she wants least toward the bottom. Tell her that when you have a little extra money you will look at her list and CONSIDER (not guarantee) getting her something off of that list. It might be for Christmas or her birthday, or it might be on no occasion at all, but that her behavior will be the first thing that you consider when making this decision. And that the new rule is that if you whine, complain, or argue with me in the store, my decision will be an instant no!

Say, "Now if you don't want to wait until I have extra money, I will allow you to earn it by doing extra chores." Come on, we all buy things for our children, make them earn it instead of just handing it straight over. They will appreciate it more, and the value of money more, they will even appreciate you more. Turn it into a life lesson. If you just give it to them, they are taught that that's your job- to give them what they want. Then you are viewed at fault for being stubborn, therefore they think the key is to break your stubbornness is with a tantrum. Change the keys- the key is earning with work and good behavior.

This will train her not to impulse buy, and it will show her that her wants are important to you, but you cannot just instantly get what you want in life, you have to save for it.

DON"T EVER, EVER, EVER BE BULLIED BY A TANTRUM! Tell them tantrums mean an instant NO.

mystikmind · Mar 22, 2015

A husband that doesn't say anything could well be a husband that is allowing you to reap what you have sown. I could be completely wrong as well, but i have seen this with my sister, she is soft on her kids and would not allow and support her husband to be strict. So he stood back and let her reap the benefits, of her wisdom, and obviously the kids ran rampant and she ended up with mental illness! She still to this day refuses to acknowledge any mistake, and she is certainly not alone in her thinking these days, i mean, this foolishness is why there is no smacking allowed at school anymore. There is very good reason for the old saying "spare the rod and spoil the child".

Joidevivre · Mar 22, 2015

I would use consequences and let them choose their behavior. At 8 they understand exactly what you mean, and once they know you will back up what you say, they will think about what they do.

For example: "You may choose how you act in this store. If you whine about wanting something in the store, we are leaving that store immediately. If you keep quiet and don't ask me for anything, we will stop and get some ice cream on the way home, etc."
But always do what you say!

It empowers them to be free to make a choice as to their behavior, but at the same time, shows them that there are consequences.

jogoldie · Mar 23, 2015

My sister.....you must understand......she is eight.....and being eight comes some responsibilities....if you want something ......you earn it.....she is not a baby.....she needs chores to do.....she has a position in the family...show her what that is......she knows you.....she studies your reactions....she flips out.....you panic....you scrambleto figure out how to shut her up......she playing you like a fiddle......Change how you react.......instead of panic.....I truly don't care what people think when they act out in public......I stand overthem and stare......saying .....wow......let me know when your finished .....I really got stuff to do.....but I will wait tillyour done.....then get out your phone and film it.....for later .....use it as a tool....if she sees it.....it might then embarrassher enough to think first before she does it again....she acts on your cue......she's eight....you can out wit her....I tellmy girls....the importance of their role in the family....how I couldn't have a joyful life if they weren't here to help me...I think I might have over done it some......cause now my girls act like they are my mom.....asking me if I have eaten and such..If she had bigger expectations from you.....she will expect more of herself......reward good behavior with time spent with you...If she is good ...we can do each others nails......but if you can't act right......I will just do mine alone.....but I would really like for you to do it....we could make designs.....but I only do that with people who know how to behave around me.....I pray that's you...talk about how fun you two could have if she just was a fun person to be with.....but your attention is what she craves....usethat as her punishment......and reward....lose your cool you lose the fight.....since her reaction will be based on yours....peace....jo

pwrnJC · Mar 23, 2015

I am old school in my theology. She sounds spoiled, more of a brat. Her temper tantrums show her control over YOU and hubby. You are her parent, her counselor, her 'boss, her provider, her teacher, and the list goes on. Sadly, parents are also the BONE in which their children naw on. She needs discipline, friends, hobbies, and interests outside of her own enlarged WANTS. When I was her age and threw a tantrum, my dad would ask "HOW old are you?" I would respond "8". HE would say "THen, you're not old enough for your wants to hurt you" and walk away. HIS words dug deep and made sense. Basically, I see her, even as a child, being controlled by a spirit...that not only makes her react negatively, but will wear you down, as planned. She needs an actual deliverance. I know this sounds 'harsh' but the end result justifies her emotional roller coaster ride. SHE needs praying for. THIs does not require a scare tactic..It is you, as parents, and perhaps your pastor or someone that is holy spirit filled, to come into agreement that her behavior is way out of control. The laying on of hands signifies and spiritually transports this agreement over to her. She will either fight this (most likely) because old satan hates when his subjects are brought into the LIGHT, or either, in faith, she will begin a new walk, a refreshing attitude change that only her Heavenly Father can give. Most parents do not see this as being SPIRITUAL. MOSt parents would instantly put her on medicine.

prodigal · Mar 23, 2015

when my daughter was young and wanted something i would explain to her why she could or couldn't have that something, but most importantly i would stick by my decision. MY wife on the other hand would eventually give in to her tantrums and she would get her own way ,' for a quiet life', the long term repercussion of this is that she knew if she kept on and on with her mother she would normally get what she wanted. Now if she sulked when she was told no by me, then she would get 10 minutes, then 1 warning, 2 warnings and on the third she would get, 'tickled to death', , My wife did have major problems from my daughter when she was young with her tantrums but i never did. i think there's a lesson in this somewhere. Now daughters in their late teens, mmm different story. but i spose its all a learning process, dont know if this helps...

Richie_2uk · Mar 23, 2015

Fenner said:

Children usually mimics what they see, hear and what there parents do or say. Though I'm not suggesting that you are a bad person or that you are doing anything wrong. Just Most children grows up by examples what they see at home. Perhaps you have let them off lightly when discipline, and they got away with some things they know they do wrong. Children even as young as 8 years old, knows what buttons to press. and if they can get away with it, they know to keep at that.

Children hear things in school even if they are doing well, and are polite to other people. But she has seen someone or witnessed something that she can try and get away with and she is trying it out with you, whether it was at home, or with family members or at school. By sending her to military School, is going to provoke her attitude towards you even more. It will turn her against you, because then she will start to think that you don't care. Even though you do, which is why you want to try find a way to calm her and seek advice.

Try spending time with her, secretly see her behaviour, and perhaps it may trigger off something in you as to you where its all coming from. At the same time give her the attention, but be firm with it. Children crave for discipline, but they need to develope a good structure in life.

Punishing her is not quite right approach, as children will get used to it and will play on it for attention. Children crave for attention too. and if they don't get it. they seek it elswere, and see other children behaving wrongly or badly, and then you child will end up copying them.

spend more time with her, and try find out the root cause of her behavior, at teh same time give her some attention, plans things alone with her now and then, aslo communicate with your husband so that he knows the score and the picture. and also try get your husband to spend time with her, and eventually merge both yours and husband time together. So start with you and then with your husband, gradually now and then both you and husband to spend tiem as a family. that whay she will start to feel that you both love her and care for her and she will see things as a family and not what she is seeing somewere whats making her bahve like so. You could try that.

NewWine · Mar 23, 2015

I agree with Joidevire and Jogoldie's replies. She's 8, and 8 year olds (as are most young children) are selfish until taught otherwise. Up until now, all she knows is when she cries,
mommy and daddy make it all better. Now she is maturing and needs further guidance. This child is manipulating you, and without knowing or wanting it, you're not only allowing it, but encouraging this behavior to continue. Since your husband is laying this all on you (most likely out of his own frustration with the situation), The first thing I would do is, other than birthday's and Christmas, she wouldn't get a thing she doesn't absolutely need for a long while. I give gifts for those two holidays out of love for the other person, not based on behavior, so birthdays and Christmas wouldn't change much, otherwise, she would have to work to buy or earn her own toys, batteries and so on. Clothes, school supplies, food, and a roof over her head are all she "needs" right now, anything else is pretty much just a want, and by requiring her to earn her own "wants" you will force her to reevaluate what she really wants and what she doesn't.

She might be too young yet to understand this part, so I am not positive I would do this at 8, but you know your daughter's maturity and understanding level better than anyone here. Take her to volunteer a soup kitchen, shelter, or other service type place to show her how good she really has it. If she's old enough to throw a fit and try and knowingly manipulate people, she's old enough to see a few harsher sides of life, and shelters are full of people who can show her how to love in spite of having "stuff"

I started early teaching the girls that EVERY action has a consequence. Good actions have good consequences in the form of rewards, and bad actions have bad consequences. Preach that at them until they are grown too, so without a doubt they know that choices are theirs to make, and all choices and actions have a reaction, so they need to choose wisely. I would stop worrying what others think when she throws a tantrum. Let her know before you leave the house, that she has two choices: she can behave, not beg for you to buy her anything, and the reward or consequence is after shopping you two can get a treat together (whether that be watching a favorite movie together, playing a video game, ice cream or whatever),... or she can throw a fit, and get absolutely nothing but a time on the naughty chair, her bed, no dessert or whatever punishment you decide, when you get home, and/or not being allowed to go with you next time. Giving her the choice will make her feel as if she has some control over things (at least that's the thinking behind it). If she throws a tantrum; Stay and wait, keeping her safe, and when she's done, let her know it's time to continue YOUR errands. Odds are it will only take maybe once or twice of this and she will get the hint. If this doesn't work, in time, this behavior will embarrass her, especially if she stops being rewarded for it. It's so frustrating and overwhelming to be in this situation, and I am sorry you have to go through this, but with prayer, time, patience and love you and your daughter will get through this, and will bond further through this.

Reassure her, throughout this process, that she is still "Mommy's precious girl", that you will always listen to her, and she can always talk to you about problems or anything. Teach her that she is God's masterpiece even if she has nothing, and what it means to be the masterpiece of the one who created ALL things. Its empowering stuff to learn. Perhaps begin a family time of Bible study to teach you all this and other great lessons from the teachings of Christ. Even just a "Mommy/Daughter" time of Bible study will greatly help you two.

You and your husband are one in ALL things! This includes raising the kids. He HAS to get involved in this also, to show her that you two are a team, and working one over the other won't work either. If he refuses, then keep plugging, you can still develop a healthy relationship with your daughter. It may be more difficult to accomplish alone, but with God ALL things are possible.

Pray over her while she sleeps always, asking God to guide you through this (He may lead you to do something differently) for Him to continue to guide and protect her, and to make her as much like Him as possible. Pray with her, showing her the power in prayer. Watch God move as you teach her with His love and guidance. I will pray with y'all in this for peace.

I hope this helps.....Peace!

Reborn · Mar 23, 2015

I forgot to add.
If all else fails.....try "The Stare".

It's something every parent gets in the newborn pamphlets from the hospital.
Check yours...it's in there. Practice it.

Generations of parents have mastered this, once they've unlock the secret to it.
No words, .....just a stare. Lets them know who's boss.....lovingly.

Ask any parent on here........they know what it is.

Whenever I was acting up, my Dad could move walls with that "eye" he use to give me.
I'd be out waxing his car, ....and he never even had to say a word to me.

Rachel20 · Mar 23, 2015

Hi Fenner,

There might be peer pressure for her to gain certain items to "appear in a certain fashion".

I would not rule out 8 year old girls being sensitive to following trends. Perhaps her friends get certain things, and she feels the need to keep up to fit in the group.

This might be why your daughter is acting so desperate for them as well as being attached to you.

Does she have friends? Who are they? etc. are questions you might want to ponder on..

Other than that, I think everyone else gives a lot of helpful advice.

Hope you are able to come to a solution,

God bless

In Christ,
Rachel

Fenner · Mar 23, 2015

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I really appreciate it and think you all have good ideas about what to do and what is going on. I appreciate those of you who've dealt with this in the past or are dealing with it now replied, it's very helpful.

She has school friends Rachel. They don't talk much about clothing, she really isn't that big into clothes. School she usually wears a regular shirt maybe with a my little pony on it and pants and sneakers. She isn't into dresses or having her hair braided or looking as she would say fabulous or anything like that. In fact I avoid white clothing with her because she get's it dirty. I am lucky and have a cousin who has a girl a couple of years older then her and she give's me her hand me down's it's wonderful because they seem to have the same sense of style. I give her my boy clothes and she gives me her girl clothes it's a great trade!

Angela53510 · Mar 23, 2015

Having raised 4 children, and also being a former school teacher, I can tell you what you do NOT want to do is reinforce this behaviour!

In other words, if she has a tantrum, do not promise to buy her anything, including an ice cream cone or what she wants if she behaves. She should NEVER get what she has had a tantrum about! Period!

You need to sit her down and home, and explain the new rules. Those rules being that any kind of tantrum to buy things, public or private will be met with punishment, taking away privileges and anything else she values. Maybe a HARD spanking if she does it at home. And of course, she will NEVER get what she wants.

When I was first reading your post, I thought early diagnosis of bipolar disorder. But being only 8, and the fact that she can control it points more to a personality disorder. I think you might want to seek the help of a child psychologist or psychiatrist if extinguishing the behaviours does not work.

You want to stop this now, for her sake, not yours, before she grows into a very self centered woman.

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