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A
I have one very vital question: Are you asking this question as a means of getting support for your argument that you don't believe that your husband should have talked to his family about whatever it is your guys are talking about?
I ask this because it seems that there is more to the story than just a simple disagreement about what he can and cannot share with his family. I do not think that there is a finite answer as to whether or not it is okay for him to involve his family; however, I think that there are some very strong consequences for taking that route. Such as, having extended family all up in your marital business or even getting into a "battle of the extended families" if you decide to talk to your mom, dad, and brother.
Do you have anything else to share? Remember, it is your marriage and any advice you get from us friendly strangers is simply just advice from an outsider looking in.
I also noticed that you stated that your "...husband feels he can share our problems with his mom and brother and that I am way too private." There must be a reason why he feels this way. Maybe you should explore more into why this is an okay thing to him, but not to you? What is too private?
I ask this because it seems that there is more to the story than just a simple disagreement about what he can and cannot share with his family. I do not think that there is a finite answer as to whether or not it is okay for him to involve his family; however, I think that there are some very strong consequences for taking that route. Such as, having extended family all up in your marital business or even getting into a "battle of the extended families" if you decide to talk to your mom, dad, and brother.
Do you have anything else to share? Remember, it is your marriage and any advice you get from us friendly strangers is simply just advice from an outsider looking in.
I also noticed that you stated that your "...husband feels he can share our problems with his mom and brother and that I am way too private." There must be a reason why he feels this way. Maybe you should explore more into why this is an okay thing to him, but not to you? What is too private?
N
This has been an issue that has been going on for awhile.
Previously in our marriage when we have an argument my husband would vent to his mom. he admitted to his mom that he was in the wrong for that. Honestly I appreciated him owning up to that. I feel that any argument we have should always be in our privacy since we are married. Now maybe I'm the one being unrealistic although I don't feel that way. He's always been close to his family which is fine. But I am his wife and out of respect for me if I do not feel comfortable with my husband going to his mom and brother to vent about me then he should respect that. I am expected to do the same. What do you guys think? I feel we have no privacy at all nor boundaries. as a married couple we should have boundaries right?
Previously in our marriage when we have an argument my husband would vent to his mom. he admitted to his mom that he was in the wrong for that. Honestly I appreciated him owning up to that. I feel that any argument we have should always be in our privacy since we are married. Now maybe I'm the one being unrealistic although I don't feel that way. He's always been close to his family which is fine. But I am his wife and out of respect for me if I do not feel comfortable with my husband going to his mom and brother to vent about me then he should respect that. I am expected to do the same. What do you guys think? I feel we have no privacy at all nor boundaries. as a married couple we should have boundaries right?
He shouldn't be talking to his mom about issues in your marriage, although I have less of a problem with him discussing with his brother. Men should be able to talk about issues with other men. No one would say a wife shouldn't talk to her mother or sister about a marital issue. So a father or brother should be fine for a man.
N
I also feel we should be praying together. When we have a conflict that we can't fix perhaps we should seek advice from our pastor or even a marriage counselor that is Christian based. I understand that my husband loves his mom. however she has never been married so I don't feel she is the best person to be seeking marriage advice from. The fact that I feel violated and totally exposed when he does that does it appear that I have some issues that I need to work on myself?
Absolutely. Hopefully, you and your husband will be able to move out soon but until that happens you will have very little privacy. Definitely, your husband should respect you as his wife not to go to his family for support in a marital dispute as that only hurts you. That would be the boundary in regards to your current situation.
I understand about the closeness of family but you are his wife and you must come first and not be pushed to the side. He needs to develop a closeness with you as that seems to be lacking.
I understand about the closeness of family but you are his wife and you must come first and not be pushed to the side. He needs to develop a closeness with you as that seems to be lacking.
N
I appreciate your opinion. I also feel that the best advice that we can seek is from people who are successfully married. His brother is not married. Men definitely need to talk to other men. just like women need to talk to other women. what we choose to talk about with certain people is what can lead to other problems. we all live together so for me to have to sit in the living room and hear my husband, mother n law, and brother n law talking about our marriage makes me feel some kind of way. I wonder if I'm the only person who feels this way? people can't speak on things they never experienced. if his brother has never been married then he can't give marriage advice. but all the other guy stuff seems more appropriate
M
of course you should have boundaries, I don't know what happen exactly, and I don't want to take sides to anyone... only the Holy Word will tell you what you need to do, so go to the Lord, He gave His word to us so we could understand how to deal with this life he gave to us, and the Holy Spirit to direct our behaviour. Seek a saint behaviour, the Lord will be ready to help you.
"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
Mark 10:7;9
"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
Mark 10:7;9
A
I will tell you that I believe that a husband and wife should be able to talk to each other using whichever love languages each person finds most suitable. That is one of the beautiful parts of marriage; being able to share with one other person.
However, I do think that you may benefit from a quick exercise that will help you understand your perspective and compare it to reality.
1. You feel as if you have no privacy. Your husband feels as if you are too private.
Both of you are one two ends of an extreme scale so it seems that maybe there is room to re-align your perspectives.
Action: Can you write down some examples of how you and your husband maintain privacy? Also write down some examples of where you openly share private matters with family and close friends. Be sure to include this conversation with your CC family. (You do not have to share these things with the CC community).
2. You mention the word respect.
Action: What does respect mean to you? How do you think your husband defines the word respect (You may have to ask him about this)? The goal with this exercise is not to align your definitions. Rather, you just want to open the lines of communication to allow for mutual engagement with one another. Listen to what he says and confirm his definitions. Then be sure to share your definition and encourage him to listen to you with an open heart. After you both share your thoughts you can end with a positive statement, such as, "Thanks for sharing with me. I appreciate talking to you."
I think that maybe if you can start with these two things then maybe you are on the right path to clearing out some of your frustrations. Remember, you probably do not want to start an argument where there is nothing to argue about. So setting your expectations and analyzing your perspectives will help both of you realize your full potential.
There is also something called psuedo-conflict. Basically, it is a conflict that is not a real conflict. Most of the time, conflict can help a relationship get stronger, especially when both conflict partners are participating with a willing and collaborative heart. However, a psuedo-conflict has no real value and it is based off of misunderstanding and confusion. So in these situations, we should pray to God for clarity and remember that God is not a contributor of confusion.
I hope some of this helps you.
However, I do think that you may benefit from a quick exercise that will help you understand your perspective and compare it to reality.
1. You feel as if you have no privacy. Your husband feels as if you are too private.
Both of you are one two ends of an extreme scale so it seems that maybe there is room to re-align your perspectives.
Action: Can you write down some examples of how you and your husband maintain privacy? Also write down some examples of where you openly share private matters with family and close friends. Be sure to include this conversation with your CC family. (You do not have to share these things with the CC community).
2. You mention the word respect.
Action: What does respect mean to you? How do you think your husband defines the word respect (You may have to ask him about this)? The goal with this exercise is not to align your definitions. Rather, you just want to open the lines of communication to allow for mutual engagement with one another. Listen to what he says and confirm his definitions. Then be sure to share your definition and encourage him to listen to you with an open heart. After you both share your thoughts you can end with a positive statement, such as, "Thanks for sharing with me. I appreciate talking to you."
I think that maybe if you can start with these two things then maybe you are on the right path to clearing out some of your frustrations. Remember, you probably do not want to start an argument where there is nothing to argue about. So setting your expectations and analyzing your perspectives will help both of you realize your full potential.
There is also something called psuedo-conflict. Basically, it is a conflict that is not a real conflict. Most of the time, conflict can help a relationship get stronger, especially when both conflict partners are participating with a willing and collaborative heart. However, a psuedo-conflict has no real value and it is based off of misunderstanding and confusion. So in these situations, we should pray to God for clarity and remember that God is not a contributor of confusion.
I hope some of this helps you.
M
In any relationship i think it is fairly safe to assume our partners will talk with other people about things, and there will be things talked about that we would not like if we had overheard it. What protects us is not knowing about it!
On the other hand, sometimes it can go way too far....
I know my wife talked to allot of people, including her mom before telling me the marriage is over. I know her mom was one of the ones telling her to end it. And the feedback i have gotten around the place is that she has been talking to people for some time before actually telling me anything. A couple of days after she told me the marriage is over, i found a letter in her bag from one of her work friends, it said "congratulations on your new life".
It would have been nice to know what was going on and do something about it, but, in the end, I'm happier now she is gone, perhaps her mom will tell her who she can marry next?
On the other hand, sometimes it can go way too far....
I know my wife talked to allot of people, including her mom before telling me the marriage is over. I know her mom was one of the ones telling her to end it. And the feedback i have gotten around the place is that she has been talking to people for some time before actually telling me anything. A couple of days after she told me the marriage is over, i found a letter in her bag from one of her work friends, it said "congratulations on your new life".
It would have been nice to know what was going on and do something about it, but, in the end, I'm happier now she is gone, perhaps her mom will tell her who she can marry next?
K
I wouldn't mind if he talked to strangers online who have no way of knowing us, but yeah, telling his mom and brother would bother me too, unless I agreed to it or it crossed the line. Things that I feel cross the line of privacy are like abuse, gambling away our house and bank account, suicidal threats, and things along those lines. Since a father and mother can still be in a man's life, ask him what he thinks it means when the bible says, "A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife."
To me it means that he lives in a separate house from his parents and is head of that household. An Example: The bible says that a Christian should not take another Christian to a worldly court, cause what would that say about God's people- that we need the advice and expertise of the world in spiritual matters? Christians are to solve matters within God's family, not turn to the world, but turn to the bible. And since the church is the bride of Christ, she shouldn't take their business to outsiders. So in the same way, a man should be the authority to solve matters in his own house, not take it to an authority and household that he has left.
Now there's a difference between seeking advise in order to make an educated decision, and gossiping. As far as advice goes, would he be using their advice to make a decision, or asking them to make a decision for him because he's not capable? Because that would be a boy in a man's body seeking the guidance of the authority he has left instead of being the authority in his own house, with the bible as his guide.
I don't know how private the topic is, but if it is very private I would be really upset, but if is like you made him scrambled eggs when he wanted fried, and asked his mom for advise, a good mom would say if you want something done right do it yourself. lol. But he should ask you if you mind if he discusses things, but I mean you can't completely not talk about what's happening in your life.
To me it means that he lives in a separate house from his parents and is head of that household. An Example: The bible says that a Christian should not take another Christian to a worldly court, cause what would that say about God's people- that we need the advice and expertise of the world in spiritual matters? Christians are to solve matters within God's family, not turn to the world, but turn to the bible. And since the church is the bride of Christ, she shouldn't take their business to outsiders. So in the same way, a man should be the authority to solve matters in his own house, not take it to an authority and household that he has left.
Now there's a difference between seeking advise in order to make an educated decision, and gossiping. As far as advice goes, would he be using their advice to make a decision, or asking them to make a decision for him because he's not capable? Because that would be a boy in a man's body seeking the guidance of the authority he has left instead of being the authority in his own house, with the bible as his guide.
I don't know how private the topic is, but if it is very private I would be really upset, but if is like you made him scrambled eggs when he wanted fried, and asked his mom for advise, a good mom would say if you want something done right do it yourself. lol. But he should ask you if you mind if he discusses things, but I mean you can't completely not talk about what's happening in your life.
