Are our standards too high?

[dem4]

I had a discussion with a friend from church the other day regarding standards we as Christians should set for ourselves when it comes to becoming romantically involved. Thought I'd share it here and see what you guys have to say Forgive me if something similar to (or exactly like) this has already been posted before!

I suppose my question is, have our standards become too high?
Now before anyone jumps down my throat, please note *I think it is very important to not settle when it comes to significant others. By this I mean, if we are living in Christ, for Christ, we should of course not become unequally yoked and that we should be seeking to glorify God in everything we do.

You don't have to agree with me. I'll still love ya.
But I can't help but wonder if we have taken the list of things we are looking for in a potential spouse and tacked on, oh I don't know, a few extra 'requirements' that we could do without?

By a few, I only mean one or two. Or ten.

For example, my wonderful friend whom I love dearly stated that above all, her future husband should love God and commit himself to Christ's service every day. Bingo. She then went on to say that he has to have a well-paying job to support the family they will one day have together, he must come from a big family himself, he must be willing to remain in one town or city for the rest of his life (she is not a fan of moving), etc. etc. etc. He should be tall, dark and handsome, too, and have the exact same taste in music as her, and love the movies she loves, and oh, she wouldn't hate it if he had a British accent.

I think it is wise and healthy to know what you are looking for in a spouse and to stand firm in your beliefs, but I do think we (I am certainly guilty of this myself) have allowed ourselves to get carried away in dreaming up Prince Charming or Cinderella. No one is perfect. We're not always going to love absolutely everything about each other. And does it really matter all that much if someone doesn't share my taste in music?

I think some qualities that we are looking for are deal-breakers. For instance, if I'm going to get married, I'm going to marry a man who absolutely loves God with his whole heart, and who is constantly seeking God. I am a firm believer that the healthiest of relationships have Christ in the center, with both people encouraging and pushing one another towards God.

However, these past few years I have been able to do away with several other "deal-breakers" I thought I couldn't ever give up. I thought I was the kind of person who would never move away from home, either. But God has had different plans for me in the past, and this past year has definitely taught me what it means to be obedient to His will for my life.

I think I have been especially picky when it comes to physical traits. While I can't deny that physical attraction is important, I think we can all agree that the heart should come first?

I'm still learning to let go of some of the things I think I want/need and give it to God, and that requires a shift in perspective (and perhaps some priorities) every now and then!

 

[Richie_2uk]

I had a discussion with a friend from church the other day regarding standards we as Christians should set for ourselves when it comes to becoming romantically involved. Thought I'd share it here and see what you guys have to say Forgive me if something similar to (or exactly like) this has already been posted before!

I suppose my question is, have our standards become too high?
Now before anyone jumps down my throat, please note *I think it is very important to not settle when it comes to significant others. By this I mean, if we are living in Christ, for Christ, we should of course not become unequally yoked and that we should be seeking to glorify God in everything we do.

You don't have to agree with me. I'll still love ya.
But I can't help but wonder if we have taken the list of things we are looking for in a potential spouse and tacked on, oh I don't know, a few extra 'requirements' that we could do without?

By a few, I only mean one or two. Or ten.

For example, my wonderful friend whom I love dearly stated that above all, her future husband should love God and commit himself to Christ's service every day. Bingo. She then went on to say that he has to have a well-paying job to support the family they will one day have together, he must come from a big family himself, he must be willing to remain in one town or city for the rest of his life (she is not a fan of moving), etc. etc. etc. He should be tall, dark and handsome, too, and have the exact same taste in music as her, and love the movies she loves, and oh, she wouldn't hate it if he had a British accent.

I think it is wise and healthy to know what you are looking for in a spouse and to stand firm in your beliefs, but I do think we (I am certainly guilty of this myself) have allowed ourselves to get carried away in dreaming up Prince Charming or Cinderella. No one is perfect. We're not always going to love absolutely everything about each other. And does it really matter all that much if someone doesn't share my taste in music?

I think some qualities that we are looking for are deal-breakers. For instance, if I'm going to get married, I'm going to marry a man who absolutely loves God with his whole heart, and who is constantly seeking God. I am a firm believer that the healthiest of relationships have Christ in the center, with both people encouraging and pushing one another towards God.

However, these past few years I have been able to do away with several other "deal-breakers" I thought I couldn't ever give up. I thought I was the kind of person who would never move away from home, either. But God has had different plans for me in the past, and this past year has definitely taught me what it means to be obedient to His will for my life.

I think I have been especially picky when it comes to physical traits. While I can't deny that physical attraction is important, I think we can all agree that the heart should come first?

I'm still learning to let go of some of the things I think I want/need and give it to God, and that requires a shift in perspective (and perhaps some priorities) every now and then!

Depends if you are going by your own standards rather than God's standards.

 

[Lynx]

There are actually many threads like this... they pop up like dandelions. But another one more or less won't hurt.

I'm reminded of a Mad TV skit called Lowered Expectations.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=lowered+expectations

 

[maxwel]

Are our standards too high?

Not judging by some of the women I've dated!!!



Oh sorry... guess this was a serious thread.

Nevermind.

Just forget what I said.

 

[wisebeardman]

mystery it is, answer i have not.

 

[p_rehbein]

People do not come with blue prints. The young lady you are speaking of will probably spend her life looking for that man who fits the blue print she has drawn of him, only to realize far too late that no such man exists.

Love is not a mathematical equation. It isn't some laboratory test that can be run to prove it true. Love isn't a visual being, although the effects of love can surely be seen.

As for standards, one would do well to seek the person who loves them for them as they love that person for who they are.

(just my thoughts)

 

[secularhermit]

An average response to this "I suppose my question is, have our standards become too high?" Yes!

When you get old, and single, these standards will be shaped (to be lessened) in a way you don`t think of or imagine at that age (It happened to me) Yet some of them have to be essential in your life, othewise, you will regret such a match, particularly if you married.

I don´t like Walter Riso´s, but I could recommend PART of his thoughts, although I think he is making a LOT of emotional Frankesteins by "improving" personal selfishness.

The best matchmaking person I know, by reference, is God, and He can be sought by fasting and prayers.

 

[Roh_Chris]

As for standards, one would do well to seek the person who loves them for them as they love that person for who they are.

(just my thoughts)

I followed this principle when I was dating my ex. But she was not saved. You can imagine how that went.

I think we must have a broad outline of what we look for, but then leave the rest to God to surprise us.

 

[p_rehbein]

I followed this principle when I was dating my ex. But she was not saved. You can imagine how that went.

I think we must have a broad outline of what we look for, but then leave the rest to God to surprise us.

For Christians, that should be a "given" not a standard

just saying............

 

[dem4]

There are actually many threads like this... they pop up like dandelions. But another one more or less won't hurt.

I'm reminded of a Mad TV skit called Lowered Expectations.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=lowered+expectations

love love love Mad TV skits! props.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

For example, my wonderful friend whom I love dearly stated that above all, her future husband should love God and commit himself to Christ's service every day. Bingo. She then went on to say that he has to have a well-paying job to support the family they will one day have together, he must come from a big family himself, he must be willing to remain in one town or city for the rest of his life (she is not a fan of moving), etc. etc. etc. He should be tall, dark and handsome, too, and have the exact same taste in music as her, and love the movies she loves, and oh, she wouldn't hate it if he had a British accent.

That's a lot of "musts"...

The problem with making lists is that they aren't personal. They are detached. There is no emotion or love involved in a list of what someone you haven't even met yet should be like.

Best to actually meet someone and then decide, based solely on that person, whether he/she would be a good fit for you. Some things that are on your list may end up being non-issues, and there may be other red flags or positive wonderful things that never occurred to you when thinking about an ideal mate. Some things can be compromised. Some things can be changed if both parties are willing and able. Better to get to know someone before deciding whether they'd fit you well as a mate.

 

[secularhermit]

"...She wouldn't hate it if he had a British accent."

Wow!

Hey guys! Here is a chance to improve the proper intonation of some words:

Say "water" well, don´t say it the wrong way; otherwise you´ll be thirsty.

 

[Pipp]

I've come to find my old list of "what I want" physically has changed tremendously the past 10 years. Things that I "had to have" back then dont matter at all to me. Spiritually , yes I want a spiritual man willing to lead his family . But the physical part just isn't as important. And no Im not saying physical attraction doesnt matter.. just that setting a list of must haves could cause you to miss out on a great guy.

Oh... also. Just cause someone fits that list that you do have doesn't mean they are the best match for you. I strongly advise you pray and ask God for guidance. I say this out of experience.

 

[G4JC]

...I suppose my question is, have our standards become too high?...And does it really matter all that much if someone doesn't share my taste in music?...

On grounds of the ongoing culture war, the standards lately are too low.
I want to know she will be loyal and chaste, and not wearing her little sisters bikini.
That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. - Titus 2:4-5

Regarding music, listening to people like Ozzy Osborne while proclaiming the gospel is a huge alert to me that you either have no discernment, or are intentionally ignoring the warnings of your own conscience relating to bad lyrics and occultic singers. So music can have some affect. The same goes for movies, I would ask if she regularly watched rated R films featuring blaspheme of the Lord and intimate sex scenes. This is not thinking on good things, nor taking in to account the importance of what we watch.
But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness! - Matthew 6:23

For the Christian walk - It's a slow fade, be careful little eyes what you see...

Regarding the other trivial issues, we should look at the heart and actions, not the outward appearance.
...for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart. - I Samuel 16:7b

 

[SparkleEyes]

Always follow God's standards. I would like to turn the question a bit to ask if WE are too picky and use our own standards?

By that i mean when people say things like:
"I will only marry (or date) a Baptist." REALLY? There are wonderful God following Christians in other denominations.
"I will only marry (or date) a woman who has long hair, who has a certain kind of job or..." REALLY
"I will only marry (or date) a man who works out to stay in shape."
'I would never marry a man who is bald or who works in the trades or has a tattoo... " REALLY?

I think that if all single people were honest, we would admit that we have a list of things to look for and things to avoid in a potential mate that are not God inspired.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hi Dem!

Great thread and I love some of the excellent points you've made here...

Something that popped into my head is the thought of only marrying someone "with a well-paying job" to support the family they're going to have... I understand the logic. Once upon a time, I may have had that fleeting thought myself.

But one thing I've learned over the years is that God will provide as your family expands, and as much as you try to plan, life happens. When my parents got married, their assets were 2 used cars (and one was pretty close to landing in the automotive graveyard, from what I understand), the fact that they both worked, and their first home, which was a $5000 trailer. I asked my mom once if she ever thought things would change in her life and she said, "Are you kidding me? I thought I'd spend the rest of my life in that trailer!" Needless to say, they don't live in that trailer anymore, but you can obviously see that my mom didn't marry my dad for money!!!

But when the family they wanted did come along, it wasn't without a lot of trials and challenges, and yet God provided along the way. It came in bits in pieces--a promotion here, a raise there, a few more hours available at work. This is why it's called faith--we don't know how or what exactly will happen but when you walk with God, He stretches His provisions in your life along with with what He decides to bless you with, including children. (Walking out of God's will... such as, perhaps wanting more children when God says be content, is another topic for another thread.)

I think people also forget that the exact opposite can happen as well. During the economic slumps of the past 10 years, many of the major corporations and factories in my hometown went bust and closed down. People who were used to making $60,000+ incomes (which, for the area I lived in, was a fantastic wage) were now looking for work, and all they could find were jobs that paid $8.50 an hour. It was a huge culture shock for many people, and a good number of them wound up moving to new areas in search of work. (Which, in your friend's case, Dem, would crush two birds with one stone--no more high-paying job AND being forced to move.)

What happens if the guy with that $80,000 job... suddenly doesn't have that job anymore? It's closer to reality than most people think. I'm thankful to have been raised in a very frugal way of life because even if I ever did have that kind of income, I'd live on a modest fraction of it and save the rest to be prepared for such emergencies. Like my parents, I lived in a trailer for many years and would have no problems going right back to one. Because of this, income is a flexible subject matter to me. Work ethic, however, is not. I would never be attracted to someone who doesn't believe in working hard.

Like many of the other posters here, my supposed "lists" have changed, grown or shrunk, and at times, even been tossed out the window, depending on certain situations and people I've met along the way. I guess now I'd like to think of it more as a "basic outline", and one which God is free to change at will.

I always think of something a guy friend has told me for years: "God won't necessarily send you what you want. But He will send you what He believes you need." Which doesn't necessarily mean it will come in the form of a spouse, either. So far in my own life, the most healing, rewarding, and faith-building relationships I've ever had are FRIENDSHIPS, both with men and women.

 

[greg789]

I never really thought about anything in particular other than no smoking or drinking alcohol, but I'm trying to be a bit more active again, so someone who wouldn't mind doing a bit of exercises. I think my best picture ever taken was when I was lifting weights, but just keeping as much fat off as possible is all I need, don't care about bulking up any more, already pretty stocky. Lord gave me pretty decent muscles and I just stopped using them.

 

[GandalfTheWhite]

mystery it is, answer i have not.

Yoda, how strong is the force in Wisebeardman?

 

[zaoman32]

As long as she has red hair and isn't an uggo I'm good.

 

[Lynx]

seoulsearch: I dunno, some of those doublewides are pretty roomy... An elder friend of mine is selling hers because it's too big for her.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you meant. Just couldn't pass it up.