advice from REAL experts - from those who have lived it!

[gypsygirl]

often we have situations where we are soliciting advice from others, and i think it's great that we can give encouragement and suggest solutions for others here on this (and other forums). but one of my favorite sources of advice has always been older people.

anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that i adored my grandparents. their words and wisdom have been seared in my brain. so often i find myself longing for another opportunity to ask "one more question". and if you were to visit my church during any of our "socials" you'd almost always find me sitting among a bunch of older folks--i love their wisdom, and the fact that they draw on so many years of experience and stages of life.

this week i was reading an article about relationships, and i found this cool little site, a compilation of elderly wisdom. this has provided a fantastic source of reading for me. much of this project was motivated (as i understand) from a desire to seek marriage/love advice from those who have been married for many years. i thought this was brilliant.

note: this isn't a christian site, so i'm sure not all the advice will fit into that kind of criteria, but a great deal of it is.

anyway. since this is the singles forum, i wanted to specifically post one list, by an older single woman, liza.

here is an excerpt from her list, which i think holds a lot of value for those of us who are single:

1. You will NOT experience regret over a decision to remain single and childless. Creating your own life can be as exciting as the predictable stresses (and even the joys) of the procreation and education of progeny.


2. Friendships should fit your emotional and intellectual needs. You should have many different kinds of friends – never depend upon just one or two. Understand that you, and thus your friends, should be expected to change over time. Life is far richer if you vary the nature of your relationships – it is stifling to hitch yourself to/depend upon/share experiences with only one other person.


3. Always take advantage of an opportunity to have new experiences – travel, activities or in the realm of ideas. You learn as much from unpleasant experiences as you do from pleasurable ones.


4. Strive throughout your life to achieve a clear sense of who you are, what you want, what you want to be recalling as you die, and how you wish to be remembered.

 

[mystikmind]

I used to work at a nursing home.... and i did observe the behavior of old people reaching the end of their lives.

The thing which i observed that stood out the most, was the way their faces light up when they get a hug from a grandchild, and how lonely is the look on the faces of the ones that see this and they don't have grandchildren.

So what i have observed, at the end of a life, what is most important, it is family!

 

[hoss2576]

I spent some time around a few older folks at a nursing home a few years ago, and it was an amazing experience to learn from them. I met one gentleman whose grandfather had been a slave during the Civil War. I met a woman who had been a nurse on Omaha Beach on D-Day. I have to admit, I had never thought about a woman being at Normandy. She had such incredible stories.

Then there was this couple who had been married 75 years. It was something to hear the staff tell stories about them. They said that if the wife had to go to the hospital, the husband would wheel himself to the window and just stare at the ambulance bay until she was brought back. When she passed away, he passed within three months. They were the epitome of commitment.

 

[cmarieh]

I loved asking my grandparents for advice. I miss those special times I had with them, although I hear their voice in my head about advice they have given to me several years ago.

 

[cmarieh]

Then there was this couple who had been married 75 years. It was something to hear the staff tell stories about them. They said that if the wife had to go to the hospital, the husband would wheel himself to the window and just stare at the ambulance bay until she was brought back. When she passed away, he passed within three months. They were the epitome of commitment.

That is a neat story. I want to have that type of a marriage and be married that long and be inseparable.

 

[gypsygirl]

I loved asking my grandparents for advice. I miss those special times I had with them, although I hear their voice in my head about advice they have given to me several years ago.

cmarieh: me too! even though it's been many years now since they've died, i can clearly hear my grandparents' voices.

this reminded me of my grandmother's last words to me--words that have always have always stayed with me, touched me deeply, and continued to inspire and encourage my behavior.

my grandmother had an unforeseen cardiac event--during a routine hospital stay to adjust her medication. she had been brought home under the care of hospice, and was kind of slipping in and out of lucidity, just hours before she slipped into a coma and passed away the next day.

she reached up with one hand and gently held my face and said,

monica, you've always been a child of love. you always give love.

by the way, i was a "child" in my early 30s then : )

it has always stayed with me, because i knew she was raised among people who didn't show their emotions and love openly, and she always encouraged me to not be like them. as i was reading through much of that "elder wisdom", many of the people commented on how they'd wished they'd been more open with their words and emotions.

and on some level, that has become something that is a bit of a mantra to me. no one is guaranteed a tomorrow, and that we should never withhold what we can say today, and no one whom we love should ever wonder about that fact, ever. especially if there is no tomorrow. : )

 

[Donkeyfish07]

I used to work at a nursing home.... and i did observe the behavior of old people reaching the end of their lives.

The thing which i observed that stood out the most, was the way their faces light up when they get a hug from a grandchild, and how lonely is the look on the faces of the ones that see this and they don't have grandchildren.

So what i have observed, at the end of a life, what is most important, it is family!

I don't want any children of my own, but deep down I've always wanted to adopt. I went to school with a few foster kids that were staying in Foster homes run by parents that weren't really bad people per se, but it seemed to me that they did it more for the monthly check than out of genuine compassion and guardianship (im not accusing them of that, its just the impression that I got). Taking a teenager in every few years that never had a real parent, showing them the ropes that no one else bothered to teach them, and how to stay out of trouble while still having a fun life (and hopefully, ultimately bringing them to Christ in sincerity) is something I think I would really enjoy doing. I'd do it right now if I was better off financially. Heck, id save their entire check so they had a nice nest egg when they were wise enough to access it. If I ever have any grandchildren hugging me, I hope thats how I get them.

 

[cmarieh]

cmarieh: me too! even though it's been many years now since they've died, i can clearly hear my grandparents' voices.

this reminded me of my grandmother's last words to me--words that have always have always stayed with me, touched me deeply, and continued to inspire and encourage my behavior.

my grandmother had an unforeseen cardiac event--during a routine hospital stay to adjust her medication. she had been brought home under the care of hospice, and was kind of slipping in and out of lucidity, just hours before she slipped into a coma and passed away the next day.

she reached up with one hand and gently held my face and said,

monica, you've always been a child of love. you always give love.

by the way, i was a "child" in my early 30s then : )

it has always stayed with me, because i knew she was raised among people who didn't show their emotions and love openly, and she always encouraged me to not be like them. as i was reading through much of that "elder wisdom", many of the people commented on how they'd wished they'd been more open with their words and emotions.

and on some level, that has become something that is a bit of a mantra to me. no one is guaranteed a tomorrow, and that we should never withhold what we can say today, and no one whom we love should ever wonder about that fact, ever. especially if there is no tomorrow. : )

My grandpa passed away a little over a year ago and I would go to my grandparents home and cook, clean, go grocery shopping for them, and taking them to a few appointments. Anyway, I was cleaning their house about three days before he passed away and he took me aside and looked me in my eyes and told me, "I was going to be a great wife and a devoted mother when God says it is the right time and that whoever I married would be one lucky man". That was the last compliment he ever told me, granted right after he told me it touched my heart, but now since he is gone it means so much more. When I was hurting I would always run to my grandparents and they would hug me and never let me go. It has been extremely hard because I have had a couple instances this year that I wanted to hug them and never let them go, but I can't.

 

[egeiro]

I recently made a new friend. His name is Keith and he's about late 60's to early 70's years of age. I met him at the gym. I was sitting on a bike, he sat down next to me, and I thought, "There are two rows of bikes here, why of all places is he sitting right next to me when they're all free?" So I took it as a God thing and started talking to him. I started with the most cliché line ever, commenting on the warm weather, which he shrugged off and was followed with a painful minute of awkward silence.

Next thing he's opening up to me about his entire life story, about life in the music and entertainment industry, drugs, alcoholism, pains and disappointments of life and the emerging breakthrough. I was in such high spirits I shared my testimony and how God made so much healing possible in Him. He nodded thoughtfully and said he was named after a Catholic priest.

Anyways, every time I go to the gym, I look out to see if he's there, hunt him down and pick up that conversation where we left it.

And honestly, I love those moments in life. They're wonderful, warm and worth savouring. I have come across many elderly people who have come to that stage of life where they're so soft and open to telling their stories. And if you listen carefully enough, you can glean treasure from a life lived, a life that is gracefully shared in such a place of vulnerability and strength of such people who open that door to you.

 

[PeterJens]

Hurts left buried.
When my mother was growing up she had a hard time, and locked her emotions away aged 5 or so. The face she showed to the world was just the face that was acceptable, but which rarely reflected what was going on inside.
I knew this my whole life, and tried to share the love Jesus had for me and how he transformed my life and emotional expression.

Me and my wife talk openly about our ups and downs, friendships, things we like and not like. One day we were talking with my mother about childhood experiences, and she started crying. She did not know why, or how this connected. It was therefore impossible to reassure her or know what to say. What amazed me is how long these feelings when locked away stay trapped, and enslave and nullify so much of someones life. It also is obvious to me, that it is also impossible to get over the power of Jesus to someone trapped in this state. I have the sad feeling she is living a husk of a life, borrowed experiences which though I love her dearly, I am not sure the Lord can ever really reach her because I am not sure she is aware what she really is...

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

This thread is great! Wisdom doesn't always accompany age, but when it does, I love soaking it up. Seniors are prone to indulging in imparting wisdom and sharing stories, so the benefit really goes both ways; they get to regale, and I/we get to learn.

 

[Angela53510]

I just want to put in my two cents worth (rounded down to 0 cents in Canada, since we have no pennies!) as an "elderly" person. I am being forced to go off disability into an "early" retirement, so I guess that makes me old. Or it is confirming what everyone else already knew.

The thing that means the most to me in my life, besides Jesus is my family. My husband, 4 children and 4 grandchildren keep me going through the pain and turmoil of my Rheumatoid Disease. I know if I had lived to be old and not had children, it would have been a source of deep regret to me. The sun shines on my grandchildren, they are precious gifts from God.

Not to say everyone is going to be like this. If it works for you to not have children, that is ok. I just know when I was working in long term care, the joy of all the people when their families visited, and the sad looks on the faces of those who had told me they had no children.

I guess that is the long term forecast! Not that everyone is going to end up in long term care, or that you can't be well adjusted without a family. Just a perspective from someone else who has been there, done that!

PS. This is not to urge everyone to run out and get married to someone who is not right for you, and have children, just my personal experience.

 

[cmarieh]

Like I said I enjoy learning wisdom from older people who have been around the block a time or two because they know exactly what they are talking about. I am looking forward to having that ability in my life to impart wisdom that impacts someone else's life.

 

[cmarieh]

Like I said I enjoy learning wisdom from older people who have been around the block a time or two because they know exactly what they are talking about. I am looking forward to having that ability in my life to impart wisdom that impacts someone else's life.

I hope I didn't sound conceited by saying that.

 

[gypsygirl]

I just want to put in my two cents worth (rounded down to 0 cents in Canada, since we have no pennies!) as an "elderly" person. I am being forced to go off disability into an "early" retirement, so I guess that makes me old. Or it is confirming what everyone else already knew.

The thing that means the most to me in my life, besides Jesus is my family. My husband, 4 children and 4 grandchildren keep me going through the pain and turmoil of my Rheumatoid Disease. I know if I had lived to be old and not had children, it would have been a source of deep regret to me. The sun shines on my grandchildren, they are precious gifts from God.

Not to say everyone is going to be like this. If it works for you to not have children, that is ok. I just know when I was working in long term care, the joy of all the people when their families visited, and the sad looks on the faces of those who had told me they had no children.

I guess that is the long term forecast! Not that everyone is going to end up in long term care, or that you can't be well adjusted without a family. Just a perspective from someone else who has been there, done that!

PS. This is not to urge everyone to run out and get married to someone who is not right for you, and have children, just my personal experience.

thanks for sharing about your family, angela. i've actually really enjoyed reading your posts about your family, such as the recent one you shared about your kids' weddings. while i don't know you well, i've come to admire a lot about you through what you've shared. i really hope that i'm learning another language when i'm your age, or something equally challenging. i love (and plan to practice) the concept of "lifelong learning" and seeing you do that is really inspiring to me.

as to your comment about children and family:

i've never married, and i have no children. and while i've never given up on love, i knew as a teen that i'd probably never want to have my own kids, something that was kind of cemented for me when i was present for my best friends' two kids births.

one thing i kind of believe is that we are driven by our goals and priorities. and as much as i will tell you that i haven't married because i met the right guy (or was even ready to even meet the right guy) i also believe that if it was super important to me, i'd have made it a much higher priority that i did working and putting my career first.

that said, i don't believe that having your own family is necessarily the only way to "have a family". while i am interested in adoption in the future, i will also say that i think that you can create really meaningful and strong family-type bonds with people in your life, however, i think that choice is more deliberate and doesn't happen by accident.

side note to women who might want kids someday: if you even are THINKING about wanting to have (your own bio) kids, i would strongly caution you to reconsider being present for the births of your friends' kids before you've had your own. the new mom goes home with "birthing amnesia" and a baby, while you go home with a bunch of nightmares, and threats to any guy in your life to drop with a deer rifle if he even comes near you. : )

I hope I didn't sound conceited by saying that.

i didn't take it that way, and further, i think that's a great aspiration to have. : )

 

[IBDesmond]

Experience doesn't guarantee wisdom.

 

[gypsygirl]

Experience doesn't guarantee wisdom.

true. however, someone who doesn't listen to others' experience learns nothing. but a fool listens only to himself.

 

[zeroturbulence]

"Wisdom is with aged men, With long life is understanding."

(Job 12:12)

 

[gypsygirl]

"Wisdom is with aged men, With long life is understanding."

(Job 12:12)

thanks zero! that was one of the verses i was actually thinking of. i really appreciate your sharing it here, since i was too lazy to look it up.

a couple more that occurred to me:

Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered. proverbs 26:28

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion proverbs 18:2

The wise of heart will receive commandments, but a babbling fool will come to ruin. proverbs 10:8

 

[wisebeardman]

I used to work at a nursing home.... and i did observe the behavior of old people reaching the end of their lives.

The thing which i observed that stood out the most, was the way their faces light up when they get a hug from a grandchild, and how lonely is the look on the faces of the ones that see this and they don't have grandchildren.

So what i have observed, at the end of a life, what is most important, it is family!

if I make it to being old old. they better not try and stick me in some old folks home, id rather they just put a bullet in me.