Are our standards too high?

[secularhermit]

I think I'll go sideways on this thread and say I'm not sure that our standards are to high or low, but rather that they are misplaced. Too often we refuse to compromise on things that don't matter or may well change over the course of the relationship (appearance, emotional reactions to each other, financial situation, etc.) and don't put a lot of thought or keep standards high on matters of character, behavior, trust, communication etc. We're conditioned to pursue romantic excitement a la hollywood rather than well as one of my favorite romantic movie quotes put it (movie based on a real life relationship too) "Marry first, fall in love later."

Personally, I can much more easily see myself taking an ultra logical approach to a relationship (guy has good character, manages his money well, seems mature and emotionally stable, we can talk about lots of things and I enjoy talking to him…. ok yeah, I can give this guy a chance to win my heart) rather than a spasm of emotion and then trying to figure out how to make things work (or getting emotionally attached to someone who is a mess and you know getting any closer is a bad idea, but you have a hard time detaching, yeah that really stinks, hope I'm smart enough to not do that again ever). Of course everyone should take this with a grain of salt, as science is still trying to find out if I have a romantic bone in my body (they thought they found one, but it turned out to be an overdeveloped funny bone) and "You seem stable, ok I'll give you a chance." is not a pickup line that has ever worked for me (or anyone that I know of).

Just a joke note:

Perhaps, "the romantic bone", it´s that we have called the missing rib.

Do women miss it more than men? I think they have a monthly bio control and, reading between lines, we all seemed to be afraid of a second try.

Let it be admitted!

After a failure, whatever thing it has been (blaming the other instead of assuming personal responsibility) we all made standards HIGHER and, the more we made them we thought it was a shield to protect us and, the truth is: Time is going bye bye.

Will you marry and old man, a sick man, a poor man or an ugly man? (A general question for female readers)

Will you marry a woman you don´t like, a person whose ways aren´t those you know as "safe"? I know the answer (you too, men).

And the higher those standars are, you´re building a boulder and a wall no one would easily reach.

 

[Roh_Chris]

That question was addressed to another but, 2nd "standard" is inferred.

If you would marry a widower, not being a priest from the Old Testament, there are not red flags to doing so, except she has children.

For your personal convenience (not following Biblical tips) you probably would miss a widow who has children older than you or any who had a couple who are grown-up who would make YOUR relationship with her a problem: If our own kids make it harder, just imagine her kids adapting to see you as her new mate (and bed partner). In general, kids (male ones mainly) made too little to improve their mother´s relationship to be happier with a new man.

A woman "never married" doesn´t mean "you must marry a virgin". It could mean: "It´s better for you to marry a woman who doesn´t have children" and I have been engaged with several who had her "kids" and none of them helped me to be happier as when a married a woman who had no children.

If you want to follow up biblical tips, that´s ok but, if I were young enough, I would spare my life from those shortcomings older people learned by experience: Marrying single woman, never married or widowed (and childless) could be better than learning it the HARDEST way.

I agree and I accept that children may or may not accept their mother's choice of partner. But I disagree with your point that it is "safer" to marry a woman who has none. Objectively speaking, even parents can influence a marriage positively or negatively (local culture being an important factor here). In India, for instance, we are closely knit with our parents. I have personally witnessed a few marriages which were broken due to non-supporting parents/in-laws.

So, if I apply your logic to my argument, I am safer marrying a woman who has no kids AND no parents!

 

[secularhermit]

I agree and I accept that children may or may not accept their mother's choice of partner. But I disagree with your point that it is "safer" to marry a woman who has none. Objectively speaking, even parents can influence a marriage positively or negatively (local culture being an important factor here). In India, for instance, we are closely knit with our parents. I have personally witnessed a few marriages which were broken due to non-supporting parents/in-laws.

So, if I apply your logic to my argument, I am safer marrying a woman who has no kids AND no parents!

Here we have a saying: "Amarrando a la vaca, se amarra al becerro" (Something like. "If you tie the cow, you also get their "children" ")

It wasn´t my "logic" argument marrying a woman who lacked a "normal" human or family bond. It´d be the opposite, particular your local customs. When I said single meant childless, without any children, not as a lone ranger.

Nothing to add on this clearly said: "...parents can influence a marriage positively or negatively..." I bet you´d cling to the positive side.

If I had to see MY responsibility (and my choice) as an adult, I would see it the way God planned or said it would be better:


Gen 2:24 For this cause will a man go away from his father and his mother and be joined to his wife; and they will be one flesh.

If I went, she´s also ready to leave their parents, same way Rebecca did:



"Gen 24:58 And they sent for Rebekah and said to her, Are you ready to go with this man? And she said, I am ready.
Gen 24:59 So they sent away their sister Rebekah and her servant with Abraham's servant and his men. "

If a woman is deterred like this, shes´not ready to be married: "Gen 24:55 But her brother and her mother said, Let the girl be with us a week or ten days, and then she may go. "


No strings connected to dad and mom´s apron!

 

[Jeff_56]

So I have not gone too much into detail with the thread body(was a lot to read), but given the title, "Are our standards too high?"... I would have to say that looking around me, a lot more people have begun to drop their standards and compromise in certain areas(the areas they should not), in order to just be in a relationship. This is sad and I am also guilty of this... well that's the past

Relooking at your lists of "what can I compromise on" and "what I cannot compromise on" should be done before entering into a relationship and after ending a relationship. You learn a lot from past relationships, need it be good or bad; you need to use that in order to determine the type of person you are and what type of person you will fit well with.

HIS WORD, HIS standards, never changed. not with society. not with religions. not with time.

(secret): I learned this experientially , and learned obedience through things that i suffered (not expecting to), and HIS WORD never changed. HIS WORD is TRUTH.

most churches, groups, forums, and people, don't have a standard. so don't trust men. trust GOD. (you'll be alone more often, but not alone(abide with Jesus, always; He will never leave you nor desert you if you are His Sheep) , and you may be on the narrow way to life then, and not on the wide road with all other people not on the narrow road to life).

 

[Kaycie]

I found that lowering my standards led me to Mr. Wrong. But my standards were reasonable. Those who expect a model, a genius, a millionaire, and someone who is going to agree with everything you say, has their standards way too high, and is going to have no one to grow old with, and will die alone. One standard I will never lower is that he has to teach the bible to others. Personally, I would rather die alone than to be with the wrong one for me.

 

[Misty77]

As part of the purity cult of the 90s, I made a list of what my godly husband would be and married someone who matched it. Yes, I could check off every one of those qualifications; but I completely ignored how arrogant he was, how belittling he treated me, and a whole host of other red flags.

Now I'm with someone who loves God, treats me right, and cares for my kid. In some ways, he's not what I imagined; but in others, he's so much better than I dreamed.

I think that in the aesthetic movement of our culture, many (not all) have raised their physical standards while lowering the spiritual ones. I see men in seminary who will ignore a godly woman who would be their best actual life partner to date a girl whose only real quality is her appearance. I know good men that women judge to be "boring" while they chase a jerk because he can increase her standard of living. Two men I know have married women with mental illnesses simply because they were "hot" without being willing to accept the downside of those conditions. A good dozen of women I know conscientiously put up with abuse because they prefer the money or the status that their spouse brings over their own safety and well-being. It's all so warped.

I wouldn't say that our standards are too high, per se; I think that our priorities are just off. We value what should be a bonus over what is necessary. We need people of character who love God and "click" with us. We want someone who is of a specific height or hair color. You need to stop being disappointed that the "hot" dude that you want to date isn't godly enough and instead train our minds to value character over attraction. Beauty fades, but faith grows.

That's not saying you need to be with someone that's your opposite. It's not somehow more godly to to marry a troll or imbecile. Be reasonable. If fitness is a big part of your life, then of course, you'll want someone who can keep up on some level. Just don't find someone that's hot and hope they are Christian.

Making exact lists down to eye color and blood type is silly. We have to remember that the person we are going to date already exists in this world; we aren't wishing them into being. They have strengths and weaknesses, past successes and past failures, etc. There is no perfect mate out there. And that's good, because we aren't perfect either.

Keep in mind that your spouse won't ever fulfill all of your needs. That's not their job. They will not belong to every fan club that you do. They might root for the rival sports team or think that your hobby is weird. That's okay. You can join a running club without your girlfriend. You can go the theology conferences without your husband. You're supposed to be compatible, not identical. And of course, expect to make some compromises along the way. You'll just need wisdom to determine what is trivial and which hill you are willing to die on.

 

[Miri]

I have never been married, I've never had a list of qualities I look for,
to be honest it's never crossed my mind.

I think though it's important for a Christian to look for another bible
believing born again Christian. Another point, I think, it's important
to get to know people as friends and in various settings. There are
people who put on a Sunday church face, for example.

Often I see people asking if it is ok to marry someone they have known 2 months
etc. To be honest I have had mobile phone contracts longer than that in which I
sat down and read the agreement before signing. Yet people contemplate
a life time of marriage with a person they know less about, than the
local shop keeper down the road.

As for attraction. In my teens - 30s I got loads of attention, all non Christians.
Needless to say it was a no go.

Now in my 40s I seem to attract all the pensioners over 70! Don't know why?
Most people think I still look in my 30's.

Have wondered at times if it is because I am mixed race, the world does not
seem to mind that as much. But do Christian men?


As for a potential list, umm I don't know. I suppose unconsciously I tend to
lean towards people with character on their face, not the pretty boy look. LOL
Maybe also someone taller than me, which isn't hard I'm only 5' 1"


Lets see, a few billion, large house, servants, chauffeur. Maybe I should
just aim for royalty