Are our standards too high?

Inu · Mar 24, 2015

So I have not gone too much into detail with the thread body(was a lot to read)

, but given the title, "Are our standards too high?"... I would have to say that looking around me, a lot more people have begun to drop their standards and compromise in certain areas(the areas they should not), in order to just be in a relationship. This is sad and I am also guilty of this... well that's the past

Relooking at your lists of "what can I compromise on" and "what I cannot compromise on" should be done before entering into a relationship and after ending a relationship. You learn a lot from past relationships, need it be good or bad; you need to use that in order to determine the type of person you are and what type of person you will fit well with.

GandalfTheWhite · Mar 24, 2015

Inu said:

So I have not gone too much into detail with the thread body(was a lot to read)

, but given the title, "Are our standards too high?"... I would have to say that looking around me, a lot more people have begun to drop their standards and compromise in certain areas(the areas they should not), in order to just be in a relationship. This is sad and I am also guilty of this... well that's the past

Relooking at your lists of "what can I compromise on" and "what I cannot compromise on" should be done before entering into a relationship and after ending a relationship. You learn a lot from past relationships, need it be good or bad; you need to use that in order to determine the type of person you are and what type of person you will fit well with.

Good post Inu and welcome back!

seoulsearch · Mar 24, 2015

Lynx said:

I totally get you Lynx. I had a smaller, lower-end double-wide but it was more than enough for me. I had a good friend who had one twice the size of mine with a jetted hot tub. Now days they also have kitchen islands, fireplaces, and anything else you could want.

They aren't much good as far as tornadoes, fires, and resale value if you're looking to turn a profit, but as far as my needs went, at the time, it was perfect.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program as to why all of us are single because we just want too doggone much.

In all seriousness, I think that often the problem is that we focus on what we want rather than what we can give. I know I'm guilty in this area, and I'm sure it's just a part of many other things God is working out in me.

tourist · Mar 24, 2015

I believe that your friend is in love with the idea of being in love and is not really serious in attracting a man. Of course, it is important that her future husband have love in his heart for the Lord but at the same time you must understand that it is a hard world out there and you have to be made out of tough and substantial stuff to just survive. A man of God will do what it takes to make it and that means you must leave the comfort zone of home It seems to me that your friend is afraid to leave her white pretty world and venture beyond. She will find that it will be a lonely place where she is at.

kedge · Mar 24, 2015

dem4 said:

I think it makes for the best union of man and woman to have a common goal so that they can strive towards and together, it makes perfect sense for a woman who loves God to be in union with a man who also loves God, what a beautiful bond of union that would make from the offset. I know a couple of Christians who have been married for 20+ years, i had a chat with husband and he mentioned that he and his wife were incompatible and that their love for God binds them together, i was saddened and yet appreciative that he told me this, but perhaps no two individuals could ever be that in tune with one and other?, i guess i would want to be crazy in love all my days with the woman that God blesses me with from day one, maybe i have set my expectations too high?, i don't know maybe i am just a dreamer about wanting to listen, really listen to the woman i would wed for life, to envelope that one woman with a blanket of love all my days is sublime in my minds eye, i am jealous of those that have this, perhaps really though that i like many others am a hopeless romantic in my mind, i just sometimes think about adam and eve and what it really could of been like walking with God in paradise, how could anyone not see that as true loves union. But then i read ,

Ecclesiastes 9:9
Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.

1 Corinthians 7:28
But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

Lol.

Somewhat demanding but perhaps there exists the right and righteuos man who would be the perfect union in marriage. Compromise is one key to unlock the perfect union.

tourist · Mar 24, 2015

p_rehbein said:

People do not come with blue prints. The young lady you are speaking of will probably spend her life looking for that man who fits the blue print she has drawn of him, only to realize far too late that no such man exists.

Love is not a mathematical equation. It isn't some laboratory test that can be run to prove it true. Love isn't a visual being, although the effects of love can surely be seen.

As for standards, one would do well to seek the person who loves them for them as they love that person for who they are.

(just my thoughts)

I agree with you completely. It seems to me that the friend in the OP is naïve about relationships.

secularhermit · Mar 24, 2015

@ SparkleEyes

Poor Paul / Shaul: "'I would never marry a man who is bald or who works in the trades or has a tattoo... " REALLY?"

I know it by "experience"... He! He!

Breeze7 · Mar 24, 2015

When it comes to standards there likely isn't a normal high or low. Theres only YOUR standards.
If there is standards in like an non reducible information realm( which is true) then there are two sets of standards a persons and GODS. these sets of standards are surely not alike in the least.

God would be looking for like who can take the most crap and still keep enjoying life or something like that. People, they look for you know, does he/she have a car or something like that. We should have standards but I feel we should stray away from extremes. You shouldn't never date a short person if you have an instinct to like tall. ( Just Thoughts ).

HistoryMaker · Mar 25, 2015

Breeze7 said:

So true! You are okay to set expectations for a spouse and pray for a mate who is Christ centered but if you have standards that seem too high even for yourself everyone will let you down! You have to remember we are only human and we will fail and we will fall short of the Glory but that's what being a Christian is it is loving God first and always and not being afraid to ask for forgiveness if we expect to find the perfect mate then we will always be let down. Let God be at the center whether perfect walk or not pray thru it.

Coming from a woman who is single cause she wants to have the perfedt Christian man I learned to let God set the standards and if He could love me thru my sin when my man comes along I will love him thru his as well

jeremyPJ · Mar 31, 2015

This is an interesting concept that has often plagued me...my mother once asked me if I picked the gals I married so I could "rescue" them. I never thought of it that way, I guess that's how it looked. In fact the reason I picked them both is because I connected with them on a deeper level than the "gamey" gals I always had grief with. It was like I talked to them and we actually understood each other.

But they both had the same problem (no mother in their lives), and who they hung out with were not the greatest of folks. And in both instances, their friends basically split us up. Jealousy? perhaps. (this is my therapist's idea, and I do believe he's right.)

But I'm a short guy @ 5'6", so it's a challenge to date a decent woman without some friend saying "hey you can do better than him", when they actually know I will treat them like a queen if they are decent to me. Some would rather date a taller man their friends will accept that is crappy, so as to fit in.

It is my sincere hope that I can find a gal who is truly Christian enough to live by the word and not be so conformist to the world. That wasn't my concern with the first two, since I wasn't living a Christian life.

So I'm hoping that when the time comes (I'm not ready yet...) that I will meet a true Christian gal who values living in the word, instead of the world (other's influence). And not be viewed as a rescuer by my folks... Looking back, I see why they thought this, actually these gals were using me to rescue themselves temporarily, if that makes sense.

Therefore my standards are set higher next time, if I need guidance I shall pray to Him for guidance. I asked Him in prayer a few nights ago about something and I was amazed at how long His message was...told me what I needed to change.

gypsygirl · Apr 1, 2015

jeremyPJ said:

hey jeremy, i wanted to say that i can kind of relate with the first part of your message, especially where you mention how you feel like you can "understand better" women who your mom thought you were interested in rescuing.

one thing i've seen in my own life is that i'm really drawn to relationships with folks who have "gone through" things, or have had their own difficulties and have either gone through that process of healing, rebuilding or overcoming. there are a number of qualities that those experiences seem to bring forward, such as humility, gratitude, realistic expectations, and so much more. i think it also is what leads us to learn more about ourselves and in a lot of cases, the overall pursuit for wholeness.

as far as "rescuing" i have had a decent amount of that in my friendships, and i am okay with that, to an extent. often i find myself with too many of those friends and that can be pretty lonely.

as to the height thing: you know, i've noticed something pretty interesting about this. there seem to be two kinds of guys who are on the shorter side. the guys who point this out often, and appear to be openly frustrated, disappointed and feel at a disadvantage because of this, and the guys who are shorter, but seem to have confidence and don't mention it, or focus on it. the guy

the first group almost seems to draw attention to this fact, and this insecurity turns women off. on the other hand, i find a guy who who might be shorter, but confident enough to be with a taller woman (or doesn't ever act as though he's disadvantaged by this fact) and carries himself with overall confidence to be attractive.

as a taller woman (5'8"), while it's true that most of the guys i've dated are taller, my first and lengthiest relationship was with someone who was almost exactly my height. my feet were actually slightly bigger than his, and we had almost the same ring size. i had no problem with any of this until he started complaining about my penchant for heels and heeled boots.

when we broke up, it was his insecurity, along with the complaints about my heels and his comments about his wishing i was "smaller" pushed me towards sticking with the taller guys in the future.

i went on a date a few years ago with a guy who was an inch shorter than me. he was funny and carried himself with a masculine confidence, and i found him to be attractive. we went on a few dates, and i honestly never felt "taller" than him -- it was his desire for (biological) children was the reason i didn't go out with him again.

many women won't care or notice your height as much as your personality, how you carry yourself and what you focus on. : ) if you don't believe or act like you're a catch, few will probably see you that way either.

also, i want to encourage you to keep your hope about love in the future. i have found myself more convinced than ever that God is always preparing us for our future relationships, and He does the same for our future significant others. and that sometimes what we don't have when we are younger is because we weren't ready for it. God has wildly refined my "list" over the years, forcing me to acknowledge that much of what i thought was important wasn't at all, and what really mattered wasn't ever something negotiable.

also, i don't know what kind of age range you're looking for, but for the women who do care about height, many of them grow up and figure out there are a lot more important criteria as well.

while we grow in age, and wisdom, romance is always young. : )

Donkeyfish07 · Apr 2, 2015

Ditto to what Gypsy said. Im way shorter than you Jeremy, I'm only 5"4 and I'm really happy with myself....If I had the choice to grow taller I would just stay the same.

Height is not that big of an issue. Ya, there are girls that don't date short guys because they prefer tall guys. Thats no big deal. I dont ask out blondes or girls with short hair and I'm willing to wager that you have a maximum acceptable weight limit. Everyone is entitled to have preferences, and sometimes you just aren't what someone is into. There is no reason that should upset you. For every person that cares about it there is one that doesn't.

egeiro · Apr 2, 2015

Coming from my tired thoughts after being awake since 4:30am.

In thinking about standards, there have been times when I have had high standards because they were my walls to protect me from being hurt again, and there have been times when I have had low standards because I didn't see myself as worthy. There have been times I have thrown standards out the window and times when I have wielded my standards like a sword.

I have analysed my standards, re-moulded my standards, thrown them out the window and said, "God, this does my head in, I tap out and tap you in." And there have been many women who have told me to write down my standards and desires in a man because they did, they prayed, and God answered their prayers with a marriage to a man that fit that 'list'. So I wrote my standards down then threw them away because they sounded silly on paper.

So much of me wants to approach relationships like an adventure awaiting to be journeyed, full of pleasant surprises, and other times I wonder if I have thrown wisdom out the window. I subtract from the standards, and then I add, and some standards solidify as 'permanent' and some last on my list for five minutes.

But these things I hold on to: I would want someone to challenge me. I think it is important to both be walking in the same direction and in the same calling, side by side. And I've realised for me, it is important for me that when I talk to someone about how God has touched me, or when I get passionate and poetic when talking about what God is doing in my life and His amazingness that continually blows me away, that they totally 'get it'. I want to look in to a man's eyes, and see him light up with fire because he understands and can be touched by the flame growing in my heart. I want that kind of connection. I want someone to burn with me, and to encourage each other to be chasers and lovers of God's presence.

However, at the end of it all, there is absolutely one thing I conclude on: bananas taste amazing with peanut butter and honey. I thank God regularly I do not have a peanut allergy. Seriously. Peanuts all the way, man.

cinder · Apr 2, 2015

I think I'll go sideways on this thread and say I'm not sure that our standards are to high or low, but rather that they are misplaced. Too often we refuse to compromise on things that don't matter or may well change over the course of the relationship (appearance, emotional reactions to each other, financial situation, etc.) and don't put a lot of thought or keep standards high on matters of character, behavior, trust, communication etc. We're conditioned to pursue romantic excitement a la hollywood rather than well as one of my favorite romantic movie quotes put it (movie based on a real life relationship too) "Marry first, fall in love later."

Personally, I can much more easily see myself taking an ultra logical approach to a relationship (guy has good character, manages his money well, seems mature and emotionally stable, we can talk about lots of things and I enjoy talking to him…. ok yeah, I can give this guy a chance to win my heart) rather than a spasm of emotion and then trying to figure out how to make things work (or getting emotionally attached to someone who is a mess and you know getting any closer is a bad idea, but you have a hard time detaching, yeah that really stinks, hope I'm smart enough to not do that again ever). Of course everyone should take this with a grain of salt, as science is still trying to find out if I have a romantic bone in my body (they thought they found one, but it turned out to be an overdeveloped funny bone) and "You seem stable, ok I'll give you a chance." is not a pickup line that has ever worked for me (or anyone that I know of).

Chey60 · Apr 4, 2015

And I thought I was picky... I just wanted a Keith Urban Jesus freak lol... This girl has me beat

DCrawshawJr · Apr 4, 2015

As for standards, yeah, just stick with what Scripture says:

* Christian
* Never married or widowed
* Agrees to a marriage

For some, these standards are too high. For others, these standards are too low. Yeah, there are other circumstances and deal makers and breakers, but I think these should be the big three.

Other than that, don't have too high of standards or you may never be married. Settling (outside of the big three) is not a sin.

Roh_Chris · Apr 5, 2015

DCrawshawJr said:

Tell me, I pray, where does the Scripture say the second condition?

secularhermit · Apr 5, 2015

Roh_Chris said:

That question was addressed to another but, 2nd "standard" is inferred.

If you would marry a widower, not being a priest from the Old Testament, there are not red flags to doing so, except she has children.

For your personal convenience (not following Biblical tips) you probably would miss a widow who has children older than you or any who had a couple who are grown-up who would make YOUR relationship with her a problem: If our own kids make it harder, just imagine her kids adapting to see you as her new mate (and bed partner). In general, kids (male ones mainly) made too little to improve their mother´s relationship to be happier with a new man.

A woman "never married" doesn´t mean "you must marry a virgin". It could mean: "It´s better for you to marry a woman who doesn´t have children" and I have been engaged with several who had her "kids" and none of them helped me to be happier as when a married a woman who had no children.

If you want to follow up biblical tips, that´s ok but, if I were young enough, I would spare my life from those shortcomings older people learned by experience: Marrying single woman, never married or widowed (and childless) could be better than learning it the HARDEST way.

secularhermit · Apr 5, 2015

Chey60 said:

I would bet my 20$ everyone is picky, even to start being friends, much more to be married.

kedge · Apr 5, 2015

egeiro said:

Chey60 said:

These quotes made me lol, hahaha, laughter is such a nice medicine.

Are our standards too high?

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