Hello Dawg,
Unless I am missing something from your post, I'm not sure what illness you and your wife are going through, but I am truly sorry.
If it is Alzheimer's, I can only imagine how difficult this can be. My own Grandma, whom I loved dearly, was in the beginning stages when she died and I am just thankful that she still knew who we were when God called her home. I once worked for a manager whose father had Alzheimer's and when he would visit his dad with his wife, whom he'd been married to for something like 40 years, his father would always ask, "Who is this? I've never seen her before," despite having known this woman for the entire time they were married.
I agree with the other posters here that being married is still being married, whether you live together or not.
However, I also realize that we must try to understand what others are going through and reach out in compassion. We really don't know what people are going through until we've been there. One of my favorite Christian authors is Philip Yancey, because he encounters a lot of difficult situations. Your story reminds me of a man he wrote about who had to give up a highly coveted position he had always dreamed of having at a prestigious Christian university because he chose to stay at home and care for his wife, who had Alzheimer's.
The woman he had made this sacred lifelong vow to had not recognized who he was... for the past 20 years. TWENTY YEARS!!! She was perfectly healthy, except that she had no memory of who he was or that he meant anything to her. Every morning he would go to feed and dress her, and she would scream and fight him off because she thought he was a stranger who was attacking her. Eventually, they had to get help from in-home nurses because her outbursts were becoming so violent and uncontrollable.
If one puts his or herself in that situation, it becomes overwhelming. We all dream of "true love" and Godly, happy marriages in which both partners adore each other and serve the Lord. But we are given no guarantees or certainties.
I read this particular story in the book twice, and tried to imagine my own life in the place of this man. The spouse you have loved dearly all your life not only doesn't know who you are, but physically attacks you in what they believe is their own self-defense--from YOU. Every single day for twenty years. And, your spouse is otherwise physically healthy, so there appears to be no end in sight. You are receiving absolutely no affirmation, affection, or even recognition, day in and day out, for endless DECADES. Forget about physical contact and don't even dare to imagine about having sex with your spouse... for 20 years, with no end in sight. How would one feel in the midst of a trial like that?
I don't know what you're going through, Dawg, and I do know that the things God asks us to endure are usually not easy. They often seem impossible, I know. When I was 25 years old, my husband left to pursue another woman, and I have considered many times that perhaps the reason I have not met anyone to consider marrying since is because God is asking me to remain single for the rest of my life. It has been a long, pain-filled road.
The thought of being alone for the rest of one's life is a very daunting thought--intimidating and often depressing. But if God has called us to these things, He is also willing to give us the strength to endure, and I am sorry for what you've already had to endure and may have to bear as well in the future. I know it doesn't seem fair. But God doesn't call us to fairness, but rather, to His holiness.
I do hope that as you get things sorted out, you are also building a network of counselors, doctors, support groups, and church family who can help you during these difficult, and often very lonely and confusing times.
Welcome to the forum, and you may find others who can relate to what you are going through here. Best wishes to you and God bless.
