Marriages With Significant Age Differences: What Happens To The Spouse Left Behind?

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Mar 22, 2013
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#41
Also I'd like to add something concerning an earlier post about guys always dying first...I used to make a joke about that...shhh!

Anyway, I had a much older friend who got cancer, was given a set time left to live. He sold most of his old cars and parts (many!), so she would be "set".

And then she unexpectedly passed on.

He lived another 13 years...true story.

My idea is to just live your lives together with whom you want to share the rest of your life with. We can make our choices, but just remember who is really running the show.
my grandmother died in 1982, my grandfather died in 1995. so he totally outlived her.
 

gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
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#42
i have never been all that concerned about age differences (for the most part). the heart loves who the heart loves. i'd rather spend a year with someone whom i consider "the love of my life" than 30 years with someone who i consider "adequate".

as sad as i would be to find myself without him, i am not afraid of being single, either. i'm sure i would be very difficult, but i know God would sufficient for me, somehow, someway.

however, my experience has been the opposite as your's kim. : D however, i've not done the online dating thing, so maybe that would yield different results.

once i hit my mid thirties almost every guy who asked me out was between 5-10ish years younger than me. this has met with mixed results. what i have learned is that some 32 year old guys are 32 going on 23 and some 32 year olds feel like a contemporary. and a few feel a lot older than me. : D


This is how I feel too...plus,

I hate to be the one to add this, but here comes the obvious...why would a man want to marry a woman six years older knowing when the lady hits menopause, the sexual bonding may cease. Just something to remember...:)
sorry, but that's not the obvious. i cringe at the thought that all men think this is what their inevitable future holds. sorry, not all women are the same, no more than all men are the same.

honestly, i think it's really sad that you would rule someone out a few years older because "sexual bonding" would cease. i actually think that is a fallacy, despite what oncefallen said either.

as oncefallen spoke to, yes, many couples report some adjustment during menopause, but that isn't considered a permanent condition. in fact, statistically, a little under half of women report a gradual decline in sex after menopause but the other half either report no change or an increase in libido after menopause.

also, to echo kim's point, people seem to forget this is not a female issue. there is usually a fairly significant adjustment for men as well, both emotionally, and physically. far from it.

overall, i think it's important to remember that both genders undergo physical and emotional changes that have to be dealt with as a couple. and i'm sorry but again, i think it's kind of unfortunate that any of that is seen as the end of "sexual bonding".

sex is defined by each couple. as long as there is a desire or intention to have that be part of your life, it shouldn't have to end.

as to the advice given by your men's site about women losing their drive earlier than men: statistics don't bear that out either. i think this is another situation where assumption and myth have kind of run amok. i belong to a fairly large women's group and the topic of menopause and sexuality comes up from time to time. what i've learned from listening is that women who were interested in sex prior to menopause aren't going to just stop being interested in it, even if they have to make adjustments.

right after i graduated from high school, i worked at a convalescent (long term nursing) hospital occupied with a elderly men and women. we always ran about a 60/40 split of women to men, and it was a very educational experience. there were a lot of jokes about the nursing home "romeos" and "juliets", because there was a lot of hanky panky going on.

suffice it to say, i learned that plenty of men AND women still have a very active sex drive well into their 80s.

oh, and most awkward moment EVER? helping my mid/late70s grandparents move in with me and finding persuasive evidence that they still "did it".

i could have done without that information for the rest of my life. : )
 
Jan 25, 2015
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#43

oh, and most awkward moment EVER? helping my mid/late70s grandparents move in with me and finding persuasive evidence that they still "did it".

i could have done without that information for the rest of my life. : )
:D AKWARD ;)
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
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#44
Oncefallen,

I always appreciate your posts because they're always very considerate and informative...

I'm sure there are adjustments with menopause but I just wanted to make sure the men here don't think women stop having sex after a certain age. *shrug* Maybe this is just me, but I think each gender runs into various complications as they get older that must be dealt with as a loving couple and I didn't want readers here to think that all the changes were because of the women. We all know that men often have their own struggles as well and the bottom line is that every change has to be handled with patience and understanding.

I had to smile at Gypsy's post. Here's another thing people don't want to think about but I do think it's important to know that life doesn't end after 35. I have spent over the last decade living primarily around seniors. I even lived near a huge retirement community which was known for (yes, I realize people will shudder but it does illustrate the point) statistically having the highest rate of STD's in the state because, according to one report, seniors often become more "carefree" as they get older.

The news report said that seniors often have more free time and money while also having fewer inhibitions because they're not worried about pregnancy or the kids walking in on them. There was a local hang-out that was known as the place where, as my Mom put it, "All the (senior-age) whores go," which often resulted in several "walks of shame" (via golf cart) the next day. Many were divorced or widowed and were out "playing the field" like they weren't able to do when they were younger and locked into more rigid situations.

I'm certainly not condoning such behavior (at any age), it was just very eye-opening to me about the lives of people at another stage in life.

Personally, when I hear about older married couples who are still very "active", I think it's pretty cool. :) After all, in the end, don't we all wish we could be like that, too?
 
A

AnnaBou

Guest
#45
My mother is 37 and my father is 50. They have been happily married for 17 years. I think it is OK for the man to be older.
 

Pilkington

Senior Member
Jan 13, 2015
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#46
I have never been worried about large age gaps. If you are in a relationship one of you will almost always die first. My Dad was 12 year older than my mum she died when she was only 45 my Dad went on to live another 21 years. He always assumed he would die first. Likewise his brother assumed he would die first as he was five years older my Dad but my Dad died first. It is all about whether the person is a Christian or not there maturity and whether you are compatible.
 

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
Jan 15, 2011
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#47
I probably should have been more clear in my prior post, but after having typed a lengthy post and then deleted it because it contained a lot of information that I'm not sure my wife would want out there, I really didn't feel like typing more at the time.

I am aware that not all women experience menopause in the same way since the natural hormonal changes affect each woman differently. For many couples post menopausal sex can actually be more enjoyable since there is no longer the concern of pregnancy and once the kids are out of the house less inhibited.

For some women hormone therapy helps to offset the physiological side effects, but due to possible health risks not all women can take them.
 
Sep 6, 2013
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#48
I think the disturbing thing isn't so much that women might have a lower sex drive after menopause, but that a man would think to marry or not marry a woman based on whether or not she might go through menopause during their marriage and offer him less sex, as someone else here suggested. :rolleyes:

That makes this feel a little more like meat-market wife shopping. Even if it were true, choosing a wife based on her age so that you could get more mileage out of her in the bedroom is a sad thought. For one couple I know, the wife has stated that her husband is the one who no longer desires intimacy due to heart medications he's on. There is no way of knowing what will happen in later years.
 
N

Nemakiza

Guest
#49
It is interesting, however, age differences suck. How can we play dirty games with God? You marry him because of insecurities? You marry her because you want her to take care of you? God help. No wonder children always are victim of their parents affairs. I don't real understand why on earth someone has to tale oath before God knowing in their hearts it is a master plan? It is like selling a house while you know it will fall in a short time and kill the new owner.



*It is nice to be honest to God, because he knows what you are up to"
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
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#50
I think the disturbing thing isn't so much that women might have a lower sex drive after menopause, but that a man would think to marry or not marry a woman based on whether or not she might go through menopause during their marriage and offer him less sex, as someone else here suggested. :rolleyes:

That makes this feel a little more like meat-market wife shopping. Even if it were true, choosing a wife based on her age so that you could get more mileage out of her in the bedroom is a sad thought. For one couple I know, the wife has stated that her husband is the one who no longer desires intimacy due to heart medications he's on. There is no way of knowing what will happen in later years.
Preach on, Sister!!!

I certainly don't see myself as having an expiration date.

I do often feel though that many men overlook women after a certain age (unfortunately, that age feels like 35, unless they're 70) because they feel we are "damaged" or "low performance" goods. (I suppose we could ask an entirely different question... If women would shy away from marrying a man on Viagra... but of course, that would open an entirely different can of worms that would probably be "deflated" as soon as it started. And naturally... no pun intended. :))
 

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
Jan 15, 2011
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#51
I think the disturbing thing isn't so much that women might have a lower sex drive after menopause, but that a man would think to marry or not marry a woman based on whether or not she might go through menopause during their marriage and offer him less sex, as someone else here suggested. :rolleyes:
I agree that it is disturbing, a man should be much more concerned about her longevity in the kitchen. :p
 

gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
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#52
Preach on, Sister!!!

I certainly don't see myself as having an expiration date.

I do often feel though that many men overlook women after a certain age (unfortunately, that age feels like 35, unless they're 70) because they feel we are "damaged" or "low performance" goods. (I suppose we could ask an entirely different question... If women would shy away from marrying a man on Viagra... but of course, that would open an entirely different can of worms that would probably be "deflated" as soon as it started. And naturally... no pun intended. :))

you know seoulsearch, i have to disagree with you here. it may feel that way, though. i don't know how or where (or even who) you're looking, but i honestly believe that when you're ready emotionally and otherwise, there are plenty of guys looking for women who are your age.

really!

i've read you write that a few times now, and i think you're looking at it wrong. in my experience, when i was READY to date, the guys were there. but when i wasn't ready (emotionally or otherwise) all i found were duds. i don't know if it was self-sabotage, or what. but i've seen that for others as well. : )

based on what i've seen, i believe that women and men can find love at almost any stage, age, or phase of life.

p.s. did you have a birthday?
 
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Sep 6, 2013
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#53
I agree that it is disturbing, a man should be much more concerned about her longevity in the kitchen. :p
*reads Once's post"

*ponders thoughtfully*

*wanders into the kitchen to sharpen all the utensils*
 
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#54
*reads Once's post"

*ponders thoughtfully*

*wanders into the kitchen to sharpen all the utensils*
There are rumors that your sharpening your utensils would be the true miracle.
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#55
*reads Once's post"

*ponders thoughtfully*

*wanders into the kitchen to sharpen all the utensils*
For those wondering, this is what GLR's knife block looks like.

4164.jpg
 

gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
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#57

you know seoulsearch, i have to disagree with you here. it may feel that way, though. i don't know how or where (or even who) you're looking, but i honestly believe that when you're ready emotionally and otherwise, there are plenty of guys looking for women who are your age.

really!

i've read you write that a few times now, and i think you're looking at it wrong. in my experience, when i was READY to date, the guys were there. but when i wasn't ready (emotionally or otherwise) all i found were duds. i don't know if it was self-sabotage, or what. but i've seen that for others as well. : )

based on what i've seen, i believe that women and men can find love at almost any stage, age, or phase of life.

p.s. did you have a birthday?

okay, i am feeling the need to clarify this a bit more. i don't believe that men aren't looking for women over 35 anymore than men aren't looking for women over 40, or even 45... or even older. but i do believe that when you're not ready, the people who you attract aren't always the ones you're interested in.

when i talk about being "ready, emotionally and otherwise" what i am also referring to is something i've witnessed in my own life and others as well.

when i was out dating, even dating a LOT, i grew really frustrated because i met a number of really nice guys that weren't right for me. oh, and i met some bums too. but i began to really lose hope in things because i started to doubt whether there was something wrong with me, or even my "picker".

this led me to actually giving up altogether on dating for awhile. this was not too long before i joined cc.

i had prayed for years that God would bring the "right" person in my life, and that He would prepare both of us for that relationship. well, i think i didn't really give enough thought to part of what i'd asked for, the part of His preparing me.

in retrospect, i now realize more that ever that (for at least a few years) i thought i was ready for a relationship, and that all i was lacking was the right guy. but God knew better, because we both still had work to do in my heart, and to really make me ready for a God-honoring relationship. there was baggage that i didn't even realize was there.

and so i now believe it was God, in His infinite mercy, who kept me from the wrong relationships. He's the one who knew that getting involved with the wrong guy would mess up what could be, and set me on a bad course. it was God who knew i wasn't ready even though i thought i was.

and so my point is... perhaps it is God's mercy keeping you from the wrong relationship? and maybe you're not ready yet?

i don't know. and i don't want to infer or suggest anything. but it's just a thought for you and anyone else who feels like you've been passed over or forgotten.

because i know how it feels. : )
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#59
Preach on, Sister!!!

I certainly don't see myself as having an expiration date.

I do often feel though that many men overlook women after a certain age (unfortunately, that age feels like 35, unless they're 70) because they feel we are "damaged" or "low performance" goods. (I suppose we could ask an entirely different question... If women would shy away from marrying a man on Viagra... but of course, that would open an entirely different can of worms that would probably be "deflated" as soon as it started. And naturally... no pun intended. :))
I am 43, my wife who is divorcing me (it is nearly finalized now, and I'm over it) is 10 years younger, not that i looked for a younger women to marry to begin with.... but i think this experience has made me very wary of younger women, and if i had a choice between a younger women and a woman closer to my age now, i think i know which one i would seek to draw closer too! And in the future if i ever met a woman like you Seoulsearch, i would consider myself a very lucky man!
 
T

TRSSS1stPresident

Guest
#60
Age is just a number but then again, depending on the man desire.. I am 50 and like to have children. So, it does not really matter. It goes back to the Biblical times. For instance.. Rebekah and Isaac.. perhaps. Moses was much older. I could go on. Mary and Joseph. I read somewhere about the Jews in Biblical times had a tradition that the younger married older spouse. Many traditions have set this way.

When I was younger, much much older women wanted me and the ladies my age at the time did not want me. I was like huh!? It pains me to hear a woman say I am too old. I was bitter for long time. I heard that in churches!! Because of their attitude, I left churches. I run my own now. My appearance has caught up with my real age now. But.. not happy the way the culture in the USA was doing. Not on my micronation! That is forbidden to judge by age/appearance!