I Am So Totally Intersted In You (or At Least, The Way You Look.)

[seoulsearch]

Howdy Folks,

I have been single for a long time and have decided to get back into the dating scene again... via a few Christian dating sites. As you will probably hear me complain about often, I seem to only attract men who are old enough to be my father or grandfather.

Do any of you out there have problems with potential dates paying attention to you solely because of how you look? How do you handle these situations and what is your advice?

Just the other day, I received an email from a guy who wrote, "I saw your picture and think you're such a beautiful woman and I am very interested in you." Oh, doesn't that sound sweet... except...

He then went on to say he has a son (who is only a few years younger than me!), then talked briefly about his ex (whether wife or girlfriend, he didn't say), and how much wrong she had done to him, then tossed in an "Oh, and I liked what you wrote in your profile," (I suppose as an attempt to cover some of the shallowness, so it seems) and ended with, "Please write and tell me more about you. What would you say are your best physical features?"

And I'm thinking, HELLO!! GOODBYE!!! And the saddest part of all is that these are Christian sites.

I have decided that from now on... if any guy writes me something like that again (and seeing as how it's been going, I'll probably have another message like that in my box again tomorrow), I am going to write back, "My best physical features? Well, I happen to have an extremely curvy, impressively buxom... cerebral cortex..." and see how that goes over (knowing my luck, it will probably backfire, but hey--I'm not the passive type.)

Believe me, I was always sort of an ugly duckling--I know these men are just writing to me because to them, I look "young". I have no interest in being someone's trophy!

I also get the infamous line, "Oh, I just love Asian girls," all the time, which I personally loathe, because it makes me feel like a breed of dog ("Oh, I just love schnauzers!") but hey, maybe that's just me.

What have you all experienced as far as someone paying attention to you just because of how you look? How has it made you feel? How have you dealt with it and what have you said?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

 

[ghreyz]

never been tried online dating. any option for choosing the age bracket that you want to meet. but in fairness with guy he is very open honest to tell you that he got a son almost your age.

Well the only thing that i can say enjoy reading.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

Well, the only time I ever recall actually being "hit on", it wasn't by a woman, which horrified me to no end (I was about 17 at the time). With that in mind, I don't think I'm exactly the best person to be dishing out advice in the "creepy advances" department.

I am going to write back, "My best physical features? Well, I happen to have an extremely curvy, impressively buxom... cerebral cortex..." and see how that goes over...

That made me laugh so hard, because I know a few people who'd probably try that approach as well. Just be careful if he responds with something akin to, "Great! I love smart women!"....might be a bad sign, y'know?

 

[seoulsearch]

Well, the only time I ever recall actually being "hit on", it wasn't by a woman, which horrified me to no end (I was about 17 at the time). With that in mind, I don't think I'm exactly the best person to be dishing out advice in the "creepy advances" department.

That made me laugh so hard, because I know a few people who'd probably try that approach as well. Just be careful if he responds with something akin to, "Great! I love smart women!"....might be a bad sign, y'know?

Actually... I was personally wondering if this guy would have even known what a cerebral cortex is... (knowing my luck, he probably would have thought it was a code phrase for someone's posterior or something of that nature.)

I also admit that God has ways of humbling me!! I googled "cerebral cortex" just out of curiosity as to what the "official" definition was... and believe me, mine was doing leaps, swirls, a back bend or three, and waving a white flag within the first five minutes of reading! (I'm not nearly as smart as I pretend to be. )

 

[jjones76]

Girl - I feel your pain!! I'm not hit on so much by older men, but married men!!! Thankfully those are on Facebook, and not on Christian sites...but it is so degrading. It's like because I'm divorced, that must make me the most lonely woman ever, who would just be thankful to hook up with anyone, married or not. I really ripped into this one guy, who I thought was a friend of mine, when he sent me some inappropriate message. Just because my marriage failed, does not make me some lonely sex-crazed woman.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with guys like this. Sometimes I think they may have good intentions, just say it all the wrong way.

 

[sunshine22]

Yep .. sometimes it happens with me.. It hurts so much to see people with those types of attitudes, specially on Christians websites..or even on our daily walk..
when such things happen with me i try to go away or tell the guy that it is just no about that !
like i read one day : I want a guy that loves God more than me ! and if the guy does not want to honor God,he will not honors me
by the way : Happy New Year !
God Bless

 

[FixYourWeave]

I get that alot kim, guys that really only wanna date me because of how i look. I really really hate it. At this place i used to work, this man who was probably ten years older than me used to come in all the time and ask me if i would just do this and do that he would set me up you know, give me this and give me that. It was really disturbing to say the least. I get alot of married guys who hit on me. I dont seem to attract older or old men, there always in their 30s and married. Or there my age and just wanna date me cause they think i look good.

 

[songster]

Following my divorce, I was single for about 7 years. I met the woman I hope to marry, about 1 year ago through a dating site, and I'm about to make my 3rd trip to the Philippines.

I noticed that you received quite a few comments from women who have experienced what you described. I am a little confused however. There are women, even on this very site, (not in this thread), who have obviously selected their sexiest photos, for their profile, and while they may not be intentionally advertising, they casually run the risk of conveying this message. One such individual was asked by another CC member, in another thread, to change the photo, explaining that it seemed a little inappropriate. I chose not to comment.

This sort of thing is repeated many times over, in the revealing way that some women choose to dress, as well as in pictures posted on dating sites. I've rarely seen 'face only' profiles, or profiles with no picture at all. I remember a very attractive woman with somewhat of an abrasive personality at my place of employment. When I’d first started, she came into the break room in a surprisingly short mini skirt, and retrieved her lunch which happened to be on the very bottom shelf of one of the refrigerators. I did my best to continue reading. Had I looked up, she would have been directly in my line of sight, revealing her taste in lingerie.

The woman is married, has the personality of a badger, but is very attractive. Other men, young and middle aged, commented from time to time. She once had a party for a select few, at her home. I was invited, but chose not to attend. She chose a Hawaiian theme for the party, and some of the guests wore bikinis and hula skirts and also danced like hula girls. I only know this because she took pictures and brought them to work with her.

One guy, when in the break room chose to verbally express his appreciation as he viewed the sexy pictures of the half naked women, including the host, posing for the camera, by saying, Wow! The woman was immediately offended and spoke a few choice words as she took back the pictures. I chose not to comment. This young man only said what every man in the room was thinking.

Men are visually stimulated, we are not women. It is the way we were created. This particular aspect of the male make-up does not have to be offensive, but can be, if you are dealing with immature men or men who are struggling with perverse and lustful thinking, or are accustomed to being promiscuous, and so, they have already stored up a great deal of unconfessed sin, which influences their words and actions.

There are also Christian women who , while they may have no desire to be promiscuous, are willing to entertain the idea of lowering their standards, and who begin to converse with unbelieving men, who understandably subscribe to the world’s idea of dating etiquette, which can include very flirtatious talk and sexual intent.

I believe that if a woman does not want her physical features to be noticed by a man who is expected to develop a good first impression, there are ways around it.

 

[momintx]

From being in 2 extremely opposite types of relationships (purely physical, and one not physical hardly at all) ....maybe wait till someone comes along who's an even balance...finds you attractive, but doesn't seem to be just into you for your looks....I feel there needs to be physical attraction, because then there could be no chemistry, or the guy may be using you for something else if he's not attracted to you at all. I agree...alot of guys are in it for sex...but you have to consider the nature of men....they are visual...the first thing that attracts them to us....is our bodies. Now it's a matter of how they approach you afterward.

Also, what kind of pictures do you post on your profile? I have done the online dating thing and my pictures are very conservative....even distant to where they can kind of see my features, but it's still kind of hard for them to really know what I look like. I've been told I'm hot, sexy, etc. once they meet me in person, but that my pictures were kind of hard to see. And, depending on the way the man has approached me, I either take it as a compliment or know that that's all he wants from me. Also, I've found being very bold and honest about what you are looking for in a relationship helps. If you want a long term commitment...say it....I was very honest in my most recent profile, and found a boyfriend, who yes, finds me very physically attractive, but also loves my other features, like intellect, sense of humor and faith and values.

Sex is just part of the relationship....but it is a part....don't avoid it altogether, but at the same time, don't just try to attract men with your body.

 

[WomanLovesTX]

First impressions are very important. Put up your best head shot and post your profile. Then, weed out the ones that don't interest you. If they like the way you look, heads up...this could be the guy that is totally in to YOU and gives you the chance to see if you are in to him. My personal policy is a 3 or 4 emails will give you and him a good picture of who you are. Read "All The Rules" by Ellen Fine. Highly recommended along with 2,000,000 other women. Even if you aren't looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, every woman needs to live all of her life, in work, family, friends, dates, etc. by the RULES. I am a much better person for understanding the time tested rules. They never went out of style with the age of feminism.

 

[buckeyegirl700]

Dont feel bad seolsearch. I always get discouraged because I attract guys lod enough to be my dad or my grandpa. I also get irritated because guys are always concerned about how pretty and skinny a girl is. The prettier and the skinnier the better. I have not dated for almost 2 years.

 

[Matthew]

It's definetly a 2-way street, I don't use dating sites but I read profiles on here to try and get some context to peoples comments by checking out what they say about themselves and it doesn't really make a difference to me if there is a picture, although it is nice to put a face with the name or fake name as the case may be.

I generally prefer the written comments than the pictures but it's the first thing anyone looks for on a dating website and it's one of the reasons I don't use them, with the pictures there is a tendency to go by photo alone and reach out based solely on a physical attraction, and the few times I've looked around at these sites, even christian ones there are a lot of beautiful staged photos rather than a 'here's me on an average day' kind of photo.
I understand we like to show our best side but if you actively try to make your photo show your physical beauty you may be drawing the wrong kind of attention, although I'm sure it's not the only factor.

That said to a point it's unavoidable, you choose to use these services you take the good with the bad and sadly there are people prowling these places looking for a quick 'meet & greet' and then onto the next profile with an attractive picture, if you can deal with that you may at some point find someone nice, there are testimonials out there from people who have found lasting love through these places.

I can empathise with the frustration of attracting people outside the group I would prefer, I am generally open to whatever might come my way but I would like to attract women near to my own age.
However in the past I have attracted older women sometimes married who said they found me attractive because I wasn't a 'typical young man', I never got a clear explanation of what that meant but every now and then I wished it worked that the people I was attracted to were attracted to me and I could go without having to deal with all the odd situations that come along.

 

[greatkraw]

i think for me photos serve a purpose - i look at the eyes - they tell me if i might be interested

 

[seoulsearch]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all the great feedback. Just wanted to clarify: yes, I do realize it happens both ways and that some women, some knowingly and some unknowingly, tend to post seductive pictures.

This would not be my situation, at least, I don't think so.

First of all, my average outfit of choice is jeans and a t-shirt. I did include one picture of myself in shorts as a way of being honest and showing that I wasn't lying about my weight, but they more than cover everything (my idea of shorts are the "walking" shorts that are longer than most.) The other shots I included were head shots of my face. Second, all my photos are candid shots from moments of my life, not studio or photo-shopped fantasy shots. Third, I don't really know if I could "dress sexy" if my life depended on it, as my friends always tease me that I dress like their grandmothers and will often offer "fashion advice"--but if I'm not comfortable in it, I won't wear it.

Finally, here on CC I have opted to put pictures of myself into private albums... I prefer to share them only with people I talk to and feel comfortable with.

I would like to think I don't automatically give off the vibe of "brazen hussy", but if so... I'll keep trying to tone it down! (I have to laugh at this, because if you knew the people who know me, such as my co-workers, they'd tell you that if we had a "Most Unsexy" competition... I'd definitely be one of the contenders with no contest!) That's not self-deprecation--that's just being honest.

God made me to be somewhat of an "everyday" girl for a reason and I'm learning to be comfortable with it.

 

[singleparent]

WOW ummm dating on line???? Is there an answer well loneliness is a matter of perspective some men may feel more empowered to flirt on line as apposed to off because it is so disconnected you know so distance so they my be more apted to do things they would not do in person,is that a problem?Yes it deffenetly is in my humble opinion such as it is this contraption is not allways a blessing now putting your self out there as we all have done in our own way can open us up to an onslaught of unwanted attention I even in my dispair have thought about it but rather felt making friendly contacts on facebook and C chat would be a great way to find friends and maby down the road if our Lord wills it then he does here or in church but beyond that, I don't know if I have the skills.There is a world of singles out there finding the right one is our challenge and waiting on the Lord is the other I truly hope you find what you are looking for in my opinion you are a very nice looking woman I would'ent think it to hard to find a good Christan man.DAVID

 

[seoulsearch]

WOW ummm dating on line???? Is there an answer well loneliness is a matter of perspective some men may feel more empowered to flirt on line as apposed to off because it is so disconnected you know so distance so they my be more apted to do things they would not do in person,is that a problem?Yes it deffenetly is in my humble opinion such as it is this contraption is not allways a blessing now putting your self out there as we all have done in our own way can open us up to an onslaught of unwanted attention I even in my dispair have thought about it but rather felt making friendly contacts on facebook and C chat would be a great way to find friends and maby down the road if our Lord wills it then he does here or in church but beyond that, I don't know if I have the skills.There is a world of singles out there finding the right one is our challenge and waiting on the Lord is the other I truly hope you find what you are looking for in my opinion you are a very nice looking woman I would'ent think it to hard to find a good Christan man.DAVID

I appreciate your thoughts... but this opens an entire host of things I could go on and on about but will try to make it short.

Yes, I've tried to date in everyday life. I've been alone for going on 7 years, so no, I'm not desperate. No, I'm not interested in flaunting myself or flirting online.

I'm actually quite bad at flirting. And one of my frustrations with dating is that you'll meet nice Christian guys (and guys, I'm sure you meet women like this too) who seem to find a way to talk about their sexual desires within the first conversation... after which, I find an excuse to get out of the conversation and, more than a little discouraged, make the big step to not give up on the opposite gender and try again.

And yes, it's been very hard to find a good Christian guy.

The ones I meet in my age bracket are usually coming out of a "wild" phase of drugs, alcohol, and multiple sex partners) which I never went through, so I have a hard time relating. It's not that I'm trying to judge them, it's just that I'm not comfortable with that kind of past and hope to find someone with a story closer to my own. And of course, I know not all guys are like that, but unfortunately, most of the ones I've met have been.

I can be friends with most anyone... but finding the right person to marry? (Who actually wants to stay married to me, as my first husband left me for someone else 11 years ago).

So far, Mission Impossible.

Yes, I know.

Fortunately, God specializes in the impossible... however, we just don't know when.

 

[dothackzero]

Well looks are important, they aren't the most important thing but they do play a part in what guy is looking for in a girl. Just remember that what one guy may think is cute there will other guys that think girl isn't cute.

 

[windspirit]

Wow what a great topic. I do belong to a Christian singles site called ChristianCafe. I've met some super nice people, girls and gals over the last few years there. I've actually made more friends with the ladies there in their chatroom than in any actual long term dating situation with a guy from there. The profiles they have there are more insightful, you can tell pretty quick if someone truly has a walk with the Lord by their written answers to some standardized questions.

Though my last date from there was yesterday... a fellow from Colorado who was in my area for a few days. I spent a couple hours listening him to complain about his mother! Only mentioning the Bible or a walk with God, on the way to my car. That he hasn't been reading his scripture or devotionals lately. I thought, go figure and told him it might be a good idea to start back up again! haha... go figure! You can't always tell by someone's profile a true reflection of one's heart. But, I'm an optimist... anythings possible in the ways of the Lord!

This is my page, if any of you girls are interested in taking a look at this site. They might have some singles in your area there.
http://www.christiancafe.com/guests...sp?MemberID=TCCCUST-20050303223145-windspirit

*no one is ever from Ohio there! just fyi... *grin

I really don't put much stock into online dating... I look at it as networking friendships, Christian friendships from all over the globe. Because, no matter what else... basic friendship is where it's all got to start from in building a relationship with someone. I'm asked out quite often in the offline world, but rarely anyone I meet here is ever a church going believer. So, I rarely say yes to a second date anyone. It doesn't seem appropriate to ask them if they are a Christian the second after they as you out? Is it? lol Then say, Nooooo I can't date you! Your not a Christian!

Hmmmm... or can I??? lol

 

[windspirit]

By the Way Seoulsearch, you can judge the quality of one's heart, by what their mind's eye focuses on.
Beauty is not beautiful... if it's worldly inside the heart!

 

[seoulsearch]

By the Way Seoulsearch, you can judge the quality of one's heart, by what their mind's eye focuses on.
Beauty is not beautiful... if it's worldly inside the heart!

Excellent point, Windspirit.

I do understand that men are visual... and I know beauty, attractiveness, and looks really do matter, no matter how spiritual any of us claim to be, even though what is considered to be good-looking can be very subjective. Like anyone else, looks matter to me as well, and I believe in giving and receiving fair compliments.

The thing that bothers me is when you've done what you can do to be modest, but someone really crosses boundaries and talks to you or treats you in such a manner that you can CLEARLY hear and sense the lust behind someone's words... and it doesn't seem to bother them a bit that they're making you dreadfully uncomfortable.