So I have come to the conclusion that I can't talk to my boyfriend about Jesus. It's not his fault and I don't THINK it's mine. I don't think it's anyone's fault really...well except satan. Anyway I can't talk to him about Jesus because I am really struggling with my relationship with Jesus. I think I had mentioned about my old churches in previous posts but just in case I'll mention them again.
I went to this one church called Willow Creek and it was really nice for a while. Then my life got hard and no one was there for me. I would go in to church feeling bitter and angry because I was in so much pain and no one cared enough to notice or listen (at the church I currently go to people are really good about this. They talk to me and listen to me). I know it may have been a little egotistical of me to expect people to care about me when they didn't even know me but I would walk in to church wearing a black T-shirt and jeans every Sunday usually with a look of sadness on my face and no one thought to say, "hi my names *insert name*. I've noticed you coming here quite often. Would you like to talk after service?" I just wish someone would have cared. There was a couple who allowed me to sit with them and they did care but they didn't know how to handle the amount of pain I was in. I would try to talk to them about my problems but they weren't always sympathetic. Although I gotta give them credit they were the nicest people there. Well while I was at Willow Creek the sermons started to sound the same "give us money and you're a good Christian." and I wasn't getting much out of it so I left.
While I was in the process of deciding to leave I got plugged in to another church. This one was called ICOC (International Church of Christ). They were awful. They painted God as this angry father who you couldn't please no matter what you did. I remember going home after Bible study with them and crying in the shower because I thought that Jesus didn't love me. I thought I wasn't good enough for God even with Jesus's sacrifice. Eventually it got so bad that they sat me down and had me write out a list of my worst sins I had every committed and these were BAD. Then they had me read the list to them and then they went through the complete medical account of Jesus's death on the cross in extreme detail. They described the whip they used to flog Jesus and how bad it must have hurt on his genitals and how the roman guard put the nail right in where a nerve was so that it would be as painful as possible for Jesus. Then Jess, the leader, looked me in the eye and said, "your sins put him on that cross." I burst in to tears, got up and left.
Not only because of all that but also because of the abuse I went through in high school also hurt my relationship with him. I would be on my floor screaming for the emotional pain to go away begging God for some relief and none came. When I had a good day and I started to enjoy life something would happen where I would get in trouble and I would wind up on my floor again screaming for relief. So now I get nervous and sometimes feel guilty when I start to enjoy life because I'm afraid God will take it away and ruin everything. Sometimes when I pray I'm afraid God will do the opposite of what i pray for. For example I prayed that I would stay in phi theta kappa and then I was afraid that God would make it so that I got kicked out. I explained my feelings to God and felt better.
Now I'm in a place where my head sees God as this loving father who can't get enough of me and who adores me and who loves me enough to send his son to die for me but my heart sees him as this harsh evil being who only wants to ruin my life. I am working on my heart and I want to be better.
When my boyfriend talks to me about Jesus sometimes it's hard for me to accept certain things he says because it sounds different to me. For example:
He says: You need to use logic when talking about Jesus to others
What I hear: Love doesn't matter
So how can I talk to him about Jesus without hearing stuff like that. Also please don't say "just pray" because I have been hearing that my whole life and I prayed and prayed and prayed and it looked like God did nothing. I know in my head that he was doing a lot but my heart doesn't know that yet. Prayers would be useful btw. I'm not saying don't pray for me but please don't be like "just pray" and have that be all you write.
Sorry I'm just a little nervous posting this...I have never really been this open about my struggles when it comes to God.
Thanks for reading this. I know it was long.
Oh and I have told this to my bf and he has been nothing but kind and understanding.
I went to this one church called Willow Creek and it was really nice for a while. Then my life got hard and no one was there for me. I would go in to church feeling bitter and angry because I was in so much pain and no one cared enough to notice or listen (at the church I currently go to people are really good about this. They talk to me and listen to me). I know it may have been a little egotistical of me to expect people to care about me when they didn't even know me but I would walk in to church wearing a black T-shirt and jeans every Sunday usually with a look of sadness on my face and no one thought to say, "hi my names *insert name*. I've noticed you coming here quite often. Would you like to talk after service?" I just wish someone would have cared. There was a couple who allowed me to sit with them and they did care but they didn't know how to handle the amount of pain I was in. I would try to talk to them about my problems but they weren't always sympathetic. Although I gotta give them credit they were the nicest people there. Well while I was at Willow Creek the sermons started to sound the same "give us money and you're a good Christian." and I wasn't getting much out of it so I left.
While I was in the process of deciding to leave I got plugged in to another church. This one was called ICOC (International Church of Christ). They were awful. They painted God as this angry father who you couldn't please no matter what you did. I remember going home after Bible study with them and crying in the shower because I thought that Jesus didn't love me. I thought I wasn't good enough for God even with Jesus's sacrifice. Eventually it got so bad that they sat me down and had me write out a list of my worst sins I had every committed and these were BAD. Then they had me read the list to them and then they went through the complete medical account of Jesus's death on the cross in extreme detail. They described the whip they used to flog Jesus and how bad it must have hurt on his genitals and how the roman guard put the nail right in where a nerve was so that it would be as painful as possible for Jesus. Then Jess, the leader, looked me in the eye and said, "your sins put him on that cross." I burst in to tears, got up and left.
Not only because of all that but also because of the abuse I went through in high school also hurt my relationship with him. I would be on my floor screaming for the emotional pain to go away begging God for some relief and none came. When I had a good day and I started to enjoy life something would happen where I would get in trouble and I would wind up on my floor again screaming for relief. So now I get nervous and sometimes feel guilty when I start to enjoy life because I'm afraid God will take it away and ruin everything. Sometimes when I pray I'm afraid God will do the opposite of what i pray for. For example I prayed that I would stay in phi theta kappa and then I was afraid that God would make it so that I got kicked out. I explained my feelings to God and felt better.
Now I'm in a place where my head sees God as this loving father who can't get enough of me and who adores me and who loves me enough to send his son to die for me but my heart sees him as this harsh evil being who only wants to ruin my life. I am working on my heart and I want to be better.
When my boyfriend talks to me about Jesus sometimes it's hard for me to accept certain things he says because it sounds different to me. For example:
He says: You need to use logic when talking about Jesus to others
What I hear: Love doesn't matter
So how can I talk to him about Jesus without hearing stuff like that. Also please don't say "just pray" because I have been hearing that my whole life and I prayed and prayed and prayed and it looked like God did nothing. I know in my head that he was doing a lot but my heart doesn't know that yet. Prayers would be useful btw. I'm not saying don't pray for me but please don't be like "just pray" and have that be all you write.
Sorry I'm just a little nervous posting this...I have never really been this open about my struggles when it comes to God.
Thanks for reading this. I know it was long.
Oh and I have told this to my bf and he has been nothing but kind and understanding.
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