Being married for what?

[mystikmind]

I am 28. Yes we both serve The Lord. Our second date was to church on a Sunday morning service. I do not feel like he has cheated since we've been married. Him and his ex are no longer together bc she was/is an alcoholic. I have to pick up the children from his ex because he is at work during the court ordered pick up time. Why does many of you see it as "I'm playing victim"? I've stuck it out for over a year and marriage is new to me. My parents have been married over 33years and that's all I want is to have a pure marriage. I came to this site to get some pure non judgmental help. To put me down for expressing my feelings and trying to find new ideas and perspective on how to look at this hurtful situation is not helpful and is not Christian like.

Yes i have noticed allot of Christians on this site do wield the bible like a public servant wields his petty rule book, and although 'technically correct' there is a distinct lack of love behind it.

My advice is just try to be the bigger person, set pride aside, and perhaps there is still something you can learn from these hard posts.

 

[Ugly]

But that is not to make light of the emotional connection they had before the marriage,,, and i think it is fair to say that if it feels like cheating then it is cheating. So lets be on the safe side and accept it was cheating, now we can help her work out how to deal with it and try to build a wonderful marriage!

Yes, Mr 'Mystic' Mind... give your accusations. No where did i make light of anything, and felt bad for this girls predicament actually. Not that you took the time to find that out, just presumed you knew otherwise.
Also, ever heard of 'innocent until proven guilty'? I'm sure God would be thrilled that, as Christians, we take the attitude of 'lets put sins on to people that we actually can't prove they did'. Truth is no one knows for certain that he's cheated and it's unfair of anyone to make a statement that he did just because she has a concern about it. So, no, it's not fair At All to lay a sin on him that you don't know he is guilty of.
But i see that you like to go around dismissing the bible in favor of assumptions and feelings quite often. That may work for your 'mystic' side, but for people who believe in the one true God, those sort of panderings to the flesh and peoples feelings doesn't float. And providing biblical advice does not automatically mean someone is wielding it as a weapon or being insensitive. When i offer advice, it's always for the good of the person, not to bash people.
I find it interesting how oten you like to put people down for using the bible, and discourage people away from the bible, 'mystic'.

 

[Ugly]

But that is not to make light of the emotional connection they had before the marriage,,, and i think it is fair to say that if it feels like cheating then it is cheating. So lets be on the safe side and accept it was cheating, now we can help her work out how to deal with it and try to build a wonderful marriage!

Who's to say the cheating stopped once they married? It's kinda hard to prove that it did and it's kinda hard to prove that it didn't.

Right. It is hard to prove. So you think the best course of action is to label him as an adulterer with no proof?

 

[Ariel82]

I will pray for you.... dear God we don't know what to say or do. Help us see your truth and help her heal and be the loving mother and wife you made her.put people in her life to comfort and encourage her. In Jesus nname we pray.

 

[jsr1221]

Right. It is hard to prove. So you think the best course of action is to label him as an adulterer with no proof?

He's proven that he couldn't be faithful prior. No reason to think that didn't stop going into the marriage. I don't think it's unreasonable to question everything. Going into a marriage, you're supposed to go into it with no secrets. There's always suppose to be no secrets, but that's neither here nor there.

 

[mystikmind]

Yes, Mr 'Mystic' Mind... give your accusations. No where did i make light of anything, and felt bad for this girls predicament actually. Not that you took the time to find that out, just presumed you knew otherwise.
Also, ever heard of 'innocent until proven guilty'? I'm sure God would be thrilled that, as Christians, we take the attitude of 'lets put sins on to people that we actually can't prove they did'. Truth is no one knows for certain that he's cheated and it's unfair of anyone to make a statement that he did just because she has a concern about it. So, no, it's not fair At All to lay a sin on him that you don't know he is guilty of.
But i see that you like to go around dismissing the bible in favor of assumptions and feelings quite often. That may work for your 'mystic' side, but for people who believe in the one true God, those sort of panderings to the flesh and peoples feelings doesn't float. And providing biblical advice does not automatically mean someone is wielding it as a weapon or being insensitive. When i offer advice, it's always for the good of the person, not to bash people.
I find it interesting how oten you like to put people down for using the bible, and discourage people away from the bible, 'mystic'.

Ah actually, 100% of what you say here is beyond the intention of what i was trying to say, but I'm sorry for any offense

 

[PeterJens]

I came to this site to get some pure non judgmental help.

The reality is you and your husband need to talk through how you feel. Hurt is a real thing and it effects everything you do.
Forgiveness is also important and expressing the love you have for each other.
The length of time you are married does not define a marriage or wow it has survived, but how you work together and express the love God has given you.

What helps is if you can find a friend to share your ups and downs with, because I know how isolated family life can be, especially with children, husband at work etc. What helps you through the bad times is the trust and love established in the good times.

But in the end it is you listening to the Lord, walking in purity, and He will guide your steps.

 

[kaylagrl]

I've been married for almost a year and a half. After 6 months of marriage, I found out that while we were seriously dating that he was having an affair with his ex who is also a mother to his 2 children. Him and I together have 1 child with one on the way. I've been trying to stay strong as a wife and mother to stay in the marriage for everybody else's sake but feel like I'm sacrificing my own feelings! I think ab what happened every single day. Not to mention I have to meet up with his ex(the one he had an affair on me with) to pick up his two children every other weekend and see her at drop off time as well. It breaks my heart. The affair happened while we were dating but who knows what happend after we married? He lied to me. It hurts so bad. We've been going to church and helps but still feel like I'm putting myself down for not getting out of the marriage bc I'm trying to keep the family together. What is the best thing to do?

Well my opinion is a little different from others Im reading here. Im not an expert so take it for what its worth.People are telling you to forgive,an thats not wrong necessarily. But you cannot get to forgiveness until you know the whole truth. I would suggest you go to counseling and find out if he has cheated since you have been married. I dont mean to upset you but there is a high chance he has been unfaithful since.If he couldn't take commitment to you seriously before you married its very doubtful he did after.Marriage isnt some magic cure especially when someone is being unfaithful.Also I say that because clearly he has not ended his relationship with his ex. If he could still sleep with her he hasn't closed the door on her.You will not find your way to forgiveness until you know the whole truth and then your husband proves he is worthy of your trust again.That will not be an overnight process and he has to realize that he has lost your trust and respect and he needs to work hard to regain it again. He needs to be 100% honest and he needs to be open about everything and answer any questions you may have. He made the choice,the wrong is his and he needs to make it right.You may not feel like you can ever trust him again, once you go through counseling, and then you can may your choice from there. But your husband has some serious work to do.

Secondly if you have a friend or family member who could go with you when you have to pick up the children it may make it easier for you. I understand how that would be very upsetting. Its very hard when people have a past that they dont let go of and so far your husband hasn't proven himself.I hope you can find help and find your way out of this.Please let us know how you are doing as things progress. The main thing you need to know is you're going to get though this and things will get better. It may not seem that way now but is true. Many women have faced this before and become stronger and wiser on the other side.

 

[purpose]

He Heals my Broken heart and binds up my wounds (Curing my pains and sorrows).
Psalm 147:3

The past is the past my dear. Now its time to heal. As God forgives and forget our sins so we should for others and for ourselves. Much Healthier that way. Its not easy but its Not Our God who brings this rememberance up to you its our enemy in the battle of our mind and you need to pull that stonghold down ! With God's Help you can. You say you trust him now then trust him. its you who picks up the kids and not the husband. (point to look at). I believe God is working on both of your behalfs just keep praying and listening. I will pray for you dear sister. Stay strong! All Will work out for the good! Dont forget marriage takes work!

 

[sunburn]

OP, I don't understand how an affair with his ex wife while you were never even married yet gives you so much grief.
Yes he lied...but it was his ex...not some random girl he met at a bar not a continuous fling...He doesn't seem like a womaniser and he is not openly disrespecting you by sleeping around...
Recomposed families deal with things and that's what you chose to marry to...he has to meet her because of the kids and since they have not slept again together, it might be time to stop torturing yourself...

He went ahead to marry you, not his ex...he is trying to live a new life with you, yet all you try to do is sabotage a new beginning by trying to find excuse to get out of the marriage.

Have you found another man? Do you even love this husband of yours? if you do, it's time you leave the past where it is and learn to communicate your emotions to your man and move forward in a relationship.

My sympathy but you seem to be making mountains out of molehills here.

 

[faroe]

Well my opinion is a little different from others Im reading here. Im not an expert so take it for what its worth.People are telling you to forgive,an thats not wrong necessarily. But you cannot get to forgiveness until you know the whole truth. I would suggest you go to counseling and find out if he has cheated since you have been married. I dont mean to upset you but there is a high chance he has been unfaithful since.If he couldn't take commitment to you seriously before you married its very doubtful he did after.Marriage isnt some magic cure especially when someone is being unfaithful.Also I say that because clearly he has not ended his relationship with his ex. If he could still sleep with her he hasn't closed the door on her.You will not find your way to forgiveness until you know the whole truth and then your husband proves he is worthy of your trust again.That will not be an overnight process and he has to realize that he has lost your trust and respect and he needs to work hard to regain it again. He needs to be 100% honest and he needs to be open about everything and answer any questions you may have. He made the choice,the wrong is his and he needs to make it right.You may not feel like you can ever trust him again, once you go through counseling, and then you can may your choice from there. But your husband has some serious work to do.

Secondly if you have a friend or family member who could go with you when you have to pick up the children it may make it easier for you. I understand how that would be very upsetting. Its very hard when people have a past that they dont let go of and so far your husband hasn't proven himself.I hope you can find help and find your way out of this.Please let us know how you are doing as things progress. The main thing you need to know is you're going to get though this and things will get better. It may not seem that way now but is true. Many women have faced this before and become stronger and wiser on the other side.

yes. what she said... i agree.

 

[mystikmind]

OP, I don't understand how an affair with his ex wife while you were never even married yet gives you so much grief.
Yes he lied...but it was his ex...not some random girl he met at a bar not a continuous fling...He doesn't seem like a womaniser and he is not openly disrespecting you by sleeping around...
Recomposed families deal with things and that's what you chose to marry to...he has to meet her because of the kids and since they have not slept again together, it might be time to stop torturing yourself...

He went ahead to marry you, not his ex...he is trying to live a new life with you, yet all you try to do is sabotage a new beginning by trying to find excuse to get out of the marriage.

Have you found another man? Do you even love this husband of yours? if you do, it's time you leave the past where it is and learn to communicate your emotions to your man and move forward in a relationship.

My sympathy but you seem to be making mountains out of molehills here.

Probably not the best way of making some good points? The way i would put it is like this; By focusing all her attention and obsessing about this negative thing, then it grows very big, but the power of forgiveness makes negative things grow small.

 

[kaylagrl]

yes. what she said... i agree.

Thank you, I just call em as I see em.

 

[iveseenworse]

Hi kristi, marriage is difficult today. the divorce rate sucks. people seem to have no self control or purity. solomon agrees saying it is a difficult task this life under the sun. i see the new generation entering in wide eyed and optimistic but i pray for childrens mate every day. a 25 year ,marriage ending with my ex-wifes indiscreation and dating to finds the truth about her 2 years into a new relationship. i think im too trusting, too naive. i also had difficulty on drop off day. i know what the problem is but sorry i dont have an answer.

 

[tourist]

He's proven that he couldn't be faithful prior. No reason to think that didn't stop going into the marriage. I don't think it's unreasonable to question everything. Going into a marriage, you're supposed to go into it with no secrets. There's always suppose to be no secrets, but that's neither here nor there.

I agree that it is best to be open and honest with full disclosure at the beginning of a relationship. As you get older when starting a relationship it should come as no surprise that there were be a certain amount of baggage in one form or another. It helps to have the knowledge and wisdom to know what is important and what is not.

I suspect that the OP is simply overwhelmed with her husband's past behavior and having to deal with the ex wife due to the children involved.

I would not say that her husband was guilty of cheating on her as this happen before the two of them were married. However, the husband should keep his dealings with his ex wife to a minimum in regards to the children they share.

I will say a prayer for her and her family.

 

[settled]

I think this situation is EXTREMELY difficult to judge on a forum thread. there are so many variables in your heart that we here cannot see. so many situations in your life that we here cannot see. I feel so much compassion for you and your situation its soo difficult but I would advice you to get proper council. we here can give you opinions but in reality we don't really KNOW you and how deep this pain stems inside you. If you were my daughter I would lovingly advice you to seek out a professional family councillor and work through all of this. It will take time to work through your emotions and thoughts and work through the anger and feelings of being betrayed. so this is why I think its wisdom to seek council for this. I truly wish this wasn't happening to you. but trust me you will feel better after you have attended family counselling in the meantime I will be praying for you. just remember JESUS loves you dearly and wants whats best for you. and I know all the people that have advised you on here have a caring heart and im sure they will be praying for you too much love in Christ Settled

 

[Shannon50]

I don't think you should, at this point, just suck up the bad feelings for the sake of everyone else. It's not good for you, or your unborn baby. I would suggest that you need some time on your own to consider what you would like to do in this situation, because it won't just "go away", you won't just "forgive him" like the snap of a finger-- it is a process. You will need to learn to trust him again, if you are to make your marriage managable for you. It makes me sad that he lied to you, and when he made the poor decision to sleep with his exwife, that he did not confess to you. Has he asked your forgiveness? Does he admit that he has done wrong? Does he attempt to justify his bad behaviour? I would suggest to you if you have agreed to keep it just between yourselves (or an unspoken agreement because you feel you need to protect him/ don't want other's to think badly of him) to think again about that as you need a support system for you, and both your babies. I would also suggest that you and he both are tested for STD's as if you have something it could be harmful to the baby if not treated properly. Marriages can and do recover from infidelity, and can thrive! And if it does not recover, You can also come out the other side. Spending time in prayer, caring Christian friends, and reading my Bible helped me.

 

[Dan58]

Since you were just dating, he had no commitment with you, and probably hadn't developed feelings for you yet. Not much you can do about it now, just accept the fact that people often see more than one person during their dating phase. He probably isn't jealous of guys that you use to date, so try not to worry about it because its water under the bridge now. If it happened now, it would be a different story, but he was still free and single when it happened, so he wasn't having an affair. jmo

 

[christianmom1989]

someone said you don't have an element for divorce because it happened before the marriage true but the marriage is built on lies, and now broken trust. And someone asked is he still cheating? I pray that he isn't but as people say a zebra doesn't change their stripes. You need to find out in ur own way if he is still cheating, you need to go to counseling individually and as a couple. You have to work on you as an individual and see if you can learn to trust again i've been in counseling for myself and it is helping sooo much i was diagnosed with depression, detachment and being numb. my husband and wen't to counseling and it opened up a way of communicating without being angry. But i cannot stress it to you please go to a counselor for yourself you will be thankful. Then determine what you want to do after a few sessions, figure out what makes you happy because sacrificing yourself with not make anyone happy. If you can't take care of yourself how will you take care of everyone else? my counselor told me that. she said people always think that they don't need to take care of themselves to take care of others but its a lie and she is right. im a better wife and mother since counseling. Please go get help. Talk therapy always works.

 

[twotwo]

I've been married for almost a year and a half. After 6 months of marriage, I found out that while we were seriously dating that he was having an affair with his ex who is also a mother to his 2 children. Him and I together have 1 child with one on the way. I've been trying to stay strong as a wife and mother to stay in the marriage for everybody else's sake but feel like I'm sacrificing my own feelings! I think ab what happened every single day. Not to mention I have to meet up with his ex(the one he had an affair on me with) to pick up his two children every other weekend and see her at drop off time as well. It breaks my heart. The affair happened while we were dating but who knows what happend after we married? He lied to me. It hurts so bad. We've been going to church and helps but still feel like I'm putting myself down for not getting out of the marriage bc I'm trying to keep the family together. What is the best thing to do?

You should not take it personally. This has nothing to do with you.

A sick dog is a sick dog, that’s it. Be strong and overcome Evil with good!

Watch over your heart and fight the good fight!

Pray for those who hurt you, asking God to bless them.

Then the Lord will tell you what to do!