loving the unlovable

[Galahad]

This might sound a little selfish but I have found that his attitude is sharpening me. I don't know if anyone else struggles with this but it is so hard for me not to take the actions of others personally. When he is being a pill I use his bad behavior as an exercise in self control....to not react but to respond.....to bring my own discomfort and pain into my thoughts and process them before I say anything.......to pray......to be transformed by the renewing my mind!

No. Not selfish. You're taking control and not letting the pain take you.
Paul makes mention of his pain, of his sufferings many times. He used pain to sharpen himself. Not for self glorification, but for greater service to others, for the spreading of the gospel.

If we don't use pain to strengthen or sharpen, then we've wasted opportunity.

It's like physical pain. People usually try to focus their attention away from the pain. It usually fails. Stirs up a fight between one's thoughts and the pain itself. The pain always win.

The better is to focus on the pain. Feel it. Define it. (Sounds silly.) Know what it actually is. (Not pain that has physiological effects. That's out of our control.)

Here's some pain, Sirk: it was silly of you to suggest your control might be a little selfish.

 

[Miri]

Hmmm!

Now I know it...

That´s fair! I should apologize not being aware of that rewarding system. I´m used to pick, at random, topics I like and I´m prone to avoid theology, because I´m unsubscripted (?) even of my own unpopular threads.

That part of being "popular" is ignored my side. At the beginning on CC, I was moved by those fancy waves but I´m glad the swallow "leading" waters pushed me away, far from those who think they are (or were) popular.

Hi SC many people do have favourite forums and that's absolutely fine, the theology
threads can make my brain hurt too. I was just speaking generally, I suppose I
do tend to have a bit of a soft spot for the under dog.

 

[atwhatcost]

You are very kind. . Could you rephrase the question. I'm not sure I understand it correctly.

I was going to paraphrase what you wrote, but you wrote it so well, I'm just going to copy/paste it and underline the part I'm asking about.

This might sound a little selfish but I have found that his attitude is sharpening me. I don't know if anyone else struggles with this but it is so hard for me not to take the actions of others personally. When he is being a pill I use his bad behavior as an exercise in self control....to not react but to respond.....to bring my own discomfort and pain into my thoughts and process them before I say anything.......to pray......to be transformed by the renewing my mind!

I like this approach, but I'm slow, so it strikes me it would take me ten seconds to go from "react" to "transformed by the renewing my mind." I was wondering how long it takes you to go from the natural reaction to the God-inspired supernatural reaction in real time.

I'm honestly imagining long pauses in the conversation, so I'm wondering how long it takes God to transform you? (And, in the process of years of doing this, does it get faster?)

 

[JFSurvivor]

Are you saying you haven´t loved someone like these?

Some of them are surely selfish but, several other have been hurt (like a dog on the streets).

My mom is like one of them and, the hard part of this is when I listen to the things I don´t want to hear or know... In both extremes, it´s up to the giver and the receiver of loving attentions...

No I have had my fair share of run-in's with the "unlovable". I myself am one. I just wanted to start a discussion on the topic and see what your thoughts were. When I try to love people like this I get discouraged from people who tell me "don't love them because you might go crazy" and I do have mental disabilities that can be triggered but I feel like that should be my business. not theirs. Also sometimes when I love these people I get really worn down and my mind can't take it...and then I go crazy...like in the most literal sense of the word, crazy and that's not good. So yeah.

 

[oldthennew]

oh my,

there is always a part/piece of someone on here in cc that we can all relate to -
I find it comforting and so meaningful in my journey - we must remember that this is but a stop-over...

atwhatcost,

your delimma, is one that I can readily understand - relate to, as many others can -

being raised by a mother who abhorred and rejected me was quite the challenge -
both as a very young one and as a young one growing up - along with my physical deformities -
none-the-less, I survived and in my survival, my Father gave me all of the tools I would eventually need
to survive.....to thrive and eventually seek with my whole heart....
and, here I am, talking to you and others like you, who our Father has put in mine and others paths.
(counting blessings)

no regrets here - but the years of horror and pain and abuse are who I am today, and how I have managed my past
that has brought me into this present day and time is the witness that I am allowed to share with those who my Master
has brought me into contact with by His will and in His time - I will always be grateful for this beyond mere words, and
I will always be thankful for the prividlege.

being giving over to the powers of darkness and offered up as a sacrifice to the devil has had its 'down moments' in my life,
but our God reigns supreme and His will for me and my husband has shown us how His power and plans will
never be defeated or annulled.
we are living proof of His supreme Will and ordained plan.

may we all realize that our physical bodies are but a breath of fading grass, but we must always remember
that our Spirits, hearts, souls, are and were written in heaven for the glory and witness of our heavenly Father.

 

[secularhermit]

Hi SC many people do have favourite forums and that's absolutely fine, the theology
threads can make my brain hurt too. I was just speaking generally, I suppose I
do tend to have a bit of a soft spot for the under dog.

After reading about Harry (your boyfriend) ( ) Ha! Ha!

I fell in love with the way you might be dealing with "the needy" (in general).

Those theology forums are "good", but i don´t like "to teach" or "compete", so I say few things I believe and read less.

 

[secularhermit]

No I have had my fair share of run-in's with the "unlovable". I myself am one. I just wanted to start a discussion on the topic and see what your thoughts were. When I try to love people like this I get discouraged from people who tell me "don't love them because you might go crazy" and I do have mental disabilities that can be triggered but I feel like that should be my business. not theirs. Also sometimes when I love these people I get really worn down and my mind can't take it...and then I go crazy...like in the most literal sense of the word, crazy and that's not good. So yeah.

I´m sorry to hear that, JF.

From what you said you yourself know your boundaries (and limitations). Jesus said, as a measure: "as much as you loved yourself" so, nothing beyond that is advisable (and there´s no need to be forced, by the way: It should flow naturally!)

As matter of facts, I never knew a person like this:

Love could be hurting (not mutually hurting) but, if it is mutually rewarding (and healthy) I do bet my best.

 

[Sirk]

I was going to paraphrase what you wrote, but you wrote it so well, I'm just going to copy/paste it and underline the part I'm asking about.

I like this approach, but I'm slow, so it strikes me it would take me ten seconds to go from "react" to "transformed by the renewing my mind." I was wondering how long it takes you to go from the natural reaction to the God-inspired supernatural reaction in real time.

I'm honestly imagining long pauses in the conversation, so I'm wondering how long it takes God to transform you? (And, in the process of years of doing this, does it get faster?)

So much of how we interact with life is based in our family of origin. For me I was raised in a shame based economy. In our formative years we are building highways in our brains that over time, become automatic reactions to given scenarios. Each time the temperature rises in an interaction, there is opportunity to build new nueral pathways and coping mechanisms into our character.....and each time we have opportunity to practice the mechanism.... we learn how we can do it even better, we gain confidence and we learn to speak life into situations that we used to escalate into even greater dysfunction than it started out in.


Hope that answers your question. I am by no means a counseler or a professional and this is strictly my own experience.

 

[secularhermit]

oh my,

there is always a part/piece of someone on here in cc that we can all relate to -
I find it comforting and so meaningful in my journey - we must remember that this is but a stop-over...

atwhatcost,

your delimma, is one that I can readily understand - relate to, as many others can -

being raised by a mother who abhorred and rejected me was quite the challenge -
both as a very young one and as a young one growing up - along with my physical deformities -
none-the-less, I survived and in my survival, my Father gave me all of the tools I would eventually need
to survive.....to thrive and eventually seek with my whole heart....
and, here I am, talking to you and others like you, who our Father has put in mine and others paths.
(counting blessings)

no regrets here - but the years of horror and pain and abuse are who I am today, and how I have managed my past
that has brought me into this present day and time is the witness that I am allowed to share with those who my Master
has brought me into contact with by His will and in His time - I will always be grateful for this beyond mere words, and
I will always be thankful for the prividlege.

being giving over to the powers of darkness and offered up as a sacrifice to the devil has had its 'down moments' in my life,
but our God reigns supreme and His will for me and my husband has shown us how His power and plans will
never be defeated or annulled.
we are living proof of His supreme Will and ordained plan.

may we all realize that our physical bodies are but a breath of fading grass, but we must always remember
that our Spirits, hearts, souls, are and were written in heaven for the glory and witness of our heavenly Father.

my admiration, sir!

At the end of the day, we may see we are SOULS set in the jail of this worn out and selfish flesh.

 

[atwhatcost]

So much of how we interact with life is based in our family of origin. For me I was raised in a shame based economy. In our formative years we are building highways in our brains that over time, become automatic reactions to given scenarios. Each time the temperature rises in an interaction, there is opportunity to build new nueral pathways and coping mechanisms into our character.....and each time we have opportunity to practice the mechanism.... we learn how we can do it even better, we gain confidence and we learn to speak life into situations that we used to escalate into even greater dysfunction than it started out in.


Hope that answers your question. I am by no means a counseler or a professional and this is strictly my own experience.

Nah, you're a dad so you're more motivated than a counselor or professional. It's personal. That's good.

 

[Miri]

Aw wonderful comments folks, moving and from the heart. Many are speaking about life
experiences generally and also childhood experiences.

Just wanted to add that I believe Jesus has a special place in his heart for children
who are raised in difficult circumstances. So many testimonies on CC are about
broken childhoods, I do think Satan tries to destroy people as early as possible
and children especially are targets. I have no biblical basis for that it's just
how I feel. Mind sets started at an early age are harder to overcome and i
believe that it is part of Satan's strategy. Satan even tried to destroy Jesus at
an early age.

Yet Jesus has brought us all through and opened his arms and heart to woe
us to himself. I especially love the following verses and I believe Jesus has
spiritually carried each one of us in his arms:-


Isaiah 40:10-11 NKJV
[10] Behold, the Lord GOD shall come with a strong hand, And His arm shall
rule for Him; Behold, His reward is with Him, And His work before Him.
[11] He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with
His arm, And carry them in His bosom, And gently lead those who are with young.

I think also that Jesus likes the under dog, he delights in using person who
society has no regard for and transforming them and using them for his
service. There are so many verses in the bible about this, then there are
the beatitudes in Matthew 5.

Atwhatcost, I believe we are moulded by the experiences of life, our
attitudes change both as we draw close to Jesus, but also from the
things in life. As we march onwards more of the dross gets left
behind including selfishness and pride, the two things which can
hinder us the most. Our whole lives are a transforming
experience. I can see the hunger in you for change both in
this thread and others. God will bless you for that and is
working on you already

God bless you all
x

PS Harry is the plant who sits on my bathroom window
I started a thread about him a while back. He was a
bit of an under dog, well under plant

 

[secularhermit]

Half an hour back I was watching this video:

[video=youtube;qZzfxL90100]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=qZzfxL90100[/video]

That gave me those feelings on the things I would do, with hate, and what it could be done, for those that are not loved by real unlovable ones.

 

[Miri]

The Rwandan massacre was terrible for so many reasons, the slaughter and
uprising pitting neighbour against neighbour, even Christian against Christian.

Another example of mankind at its very worst.

 

[Ella85]

We love because He loved us first

 

[phil112]

[h=2]loving the unlovable[/h]

A couple of things here......if someone is unlovable, how can anyone love them?
Sounds like you're wanting us to do the impossible. Only with God is nothing impossible. Us poor carnal creatures can't do the impossible.

 

[sassylady]

We can of course only love them by allowing God to do so through us.

I have found I have got to have boundaries with some people. I have too much going on in my life to let a person drain what I have left. One person I worked with many years ago just wanted somebody to complain to (for hours) and when she was spent went on to the next person. She didn't want to hear anything that would help, didn't want to change. That person I had to cut out of my life, with some parting words of wisdom for her Spiritual well being for whenever she finally chose to change.

 

[Sirk]

A person could say to someone who is annoying.....ya know, I really strive to treat others how I want to be treated and if I was being a pain in the you know what I would like them to tell me.....so I'm telling you...you are being a pain in the butt...you're buggin and crossing the line with me so I would like it if you would stop doing that.

I've actually said this to my stepson.