JF,Please slow down a bit. I was in your shoes at one time. I played all those very same tapes for DECADES (42 years).
I went through HORRIBLE depressions,depression so strong I could actually feel them come like a load of bricks on my shoulders. I tried committing suicide. I went through the drugs and alcohol because of it. My father never liked me and I was never good enough. My brothers and sisters didn't talk to me either. And to top that all off I have to deal with something that often times made me feel like a freak of nature.
I wasn't good enough,I was cursed by God,God was just waiting for me to step put of line and He was going to crush me like a bug,I was worth less then dog poo,God couldn't possible love this freak. I have no idea how often I prayed and yelled at God how I wished I had never been born. I was in emotional and mental pain for decades.
Then to add to injury when I turned 18 and I met a man who was very dark and evil. He was into witchcraft and some other stuff. That man abused me for 3 years and he tried to kill me 3 different times. He threatened to blow my family away (He knew where my family lived and I believed he was able to do it) and I believed I deserved it because I was worthless and that was the way a freak was to be dealt with.
Then to top it all off for good measure after dealing with this for all those years in 2000,right around Easter I had a major fight with my spouse who committed suicide. We never reconciled before that happened. That compounded the whole problem even more. Because I was the one to blame,it was my fault,etc etc etc. Until the Lord got a hold of me and started having me with all the WRONG thoughts,because many of them WERE LIES I had believed for years and as the Lord would take me through it and deal with each and every one that I had believed He released from all that garbage and I could finally see myself the RIGHT way in the manner that He wanted me to see myself. (And I will not kid you that it was easy to do,I fought it at times,I had to fight the doubts and fears and seeing God as someone like my father)
I have been there and there is victory when we do it His way. His way removes all the garbage and gives us peace. Because until we deal with and confront the lies they will remain and they will come back again and again and again,because we have a left opening for Satan to get at us and that door needs to be shut.
I'm sorry you had to go through that but you still don't understand this forum!