In the Battle for Love, How do you Respond?

[egeiro]

Now I'm not promoting gory sword fights or battles to the death (sorry to disappoint), but how do you respond when you find yourself, and others, interested or in love with the same person?

For example, back in 7th grade, myself and my best friend had a crush on the same guy. It got awkward, but neither of us ended up being his girlfriend, and our friendship moved on and we stayed friends. Come 9th grade, myself and a girl I was acquainted with like the same guy, only it's an uglier response on her end. But on the side lines, I still hinted to him I liked him, although a little disheartened at this point.

Fast forward to February 2014, and this same situation plays itself out with a much more complicated context, and it's just uncomfortable and awkward.

My first response is flight. I cut the ties, stuff my feelings in the furnace and do away with it because I don't do drama and I don't like division, and the last thing I want is a re-run of those high school years.

So my question is, do you fight? Do you run? Do you lay it out in the open? When it comes to you, the other person, and the person who has captivated both of your attention, how do you respond?

 

[cinder]

Let's see. First I remember why I prefer to have guys as friends instead of girls. Then I resolve to never open my mouth about a crush again so that such a problem can't happen.

Now on a more serious note. One thing God seemed to implant in my heart before I even knew what a crush was, was this idea of if I "love" some guy then love him well. To me that means putting his desires and needs above my own. It means not wanting to stress him out or put him in an awkward situation if it can be avoided. It means listening to him (if we're friends who talk and not just strangers who happen to be in the same room together at times). Once it meant backing off and not trying so hard to be around the guy. But ultimately his good and God's will must be more important than what I think I want, if not then really what I'm feeling isn't worthy of the name love and I acknowledge that and pray that God moves me into that position of love.

Now assuming I found out one of my friends was into the same guy I was. Well closest I came to that was when the guy I had a crush on decided to pursue another girl and ended up marrying her. So I met her as his interest even though I knew him first. Needed God's help to get over the initial hurt of being passed over and all that, but ultimately had to accept that he did know me first and he didn't choose me, and if God wanted them together it would happen and be a waste of my time and energy to fight it (and the loss of a friend or several friends) and if God didn't want it to happen then they'd separate of their own accord; God didn't need my help to accomplish that.

As for your situation, you are in control of your response and what you choose to focus on and that's about it. And the Bible verse that I like to turn to in these situations is Philipians 1:27 - Conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Because when the whole messy awkward situation is over, you have the rest of your life to look back and reflect on the person you became in that situation and it's just a whole lot better if you can look back and be satisfied with your conduct instead of ashamed of it.

 

[CatHerder]

Now I'm not promoting gory sword fights or battles to the death (sorry to disappoint), but how do you respond when you find yourself, and others, interested or in love with the same person?

For example, back in 7th grade, myself and my best friend had a crush on the same guy. It got awkward, but neither of us ended up being his girlfriend, and our friendship moved on and we stayed friends. Come 9th grade, myself and a girl I was acquainted with like the same guy, only it's an uglier response on her end. But on the side lines, I still hinted to him I liked him, although a little disheartened at this point.

Fast forward to February 2014, and this same situation plays itself out with a much more complicated context, and it's just uncomfortable and awkward.

My first response is flight. I cut the ties, stuff my feelings in the furnace and do away with it because I don't do drama and I don't like division, and the last thing I want is a re-run of those high school years.

So my question is, do you fight? Do you run? Do you lay it out in the open? When it comes to you, the other person, and the person who has captivated both of your attention, how do you respond?

I'll just nip this in the bud right now. I am much too old for you. It wouldn't work. I get it though...I am after all....ME! But alas, you are a little beyond my "five year rule." I'm truly sorry, but my awesomeness will have to go to someone else. You don't have to break any friendships and have things turn ugly with any of the other ladies here.





oh? You didn't mean me?







...never mind.

 

[Olerica]

I have to say, it hasn't happened as an adult, to my knowledge. I guess I just pay attention though, a man who is interested typically pursues.

 

[egeiro]

Fast forward to February 2014, and this same situation plays itself out with a much more complicated context, and it's just uncomfortable and awkward.

I cut the ties, stuff my feelings in the furnace and do away with it because I don't do drama and I don't like division, and the last thing I want is a re-run of those high school years.

Oh, just to clarify, I am still good friends with these people. But what I did do was put away any romantic interest I had in the guy.

 

[egeiro]

Philipians 1:27 - Conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Because when the whole messy awkward situation is over, you have the rest of your life to look back and reflect on the person you became in that situation and it's just a whole lot better if you can look back and be satisfied with your conduct instead of ashamed of it.

That here, is very good. Cheers.

 

[egeiro]

I'll just nip this in the bud right now. I am much too old for you. It wouldn't work. I get it though...I am after all....ME! But alas, you are a little beyond my "five year rule." I'm truly sorry, but my awesomeness will have to go to someone else. You don't have to break any friendships and have things turn ugly with any of the other ladies here.





oh? You didn't mean me?







...never mind.

Look, CatHerder, I'm going to be honest here. I only ever wanted that steak.

 

[ChandlerFan]

I think I have tended to back off as well, but for me it was less about the drama and more about not having the best self-esteem.

 

[Fenner]

I was an awkward shy teen so I just let the friend date him. I never really liked anyone enough to lose a friend over it.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Stand next to a wall with your friend and tell her that he's off limits, then do this...

 

[biabia]

Stand next to a wall with your friend and tell her that he's off limits, then do this...

which side is she on... ?? I wouldn't want to be behind that wall

 

[biabia]

Isn't this more appropriate?




before you break my heart... la.la.la.la

 

[GodIsSalvation]

I have been in this situation before. My response was pretty much the same, to just let the friend go for it. Hindsight being 20/20 shows it was the better choice, though understandably such things may seem tough in the moment (especially back in them highschool days.) So I suppose there wasn't much of a battle, and in the end none of those relationships worked out for my friends. So trully only the love of friends prevailed.

Lol I just have to add that the title of this topic reminds me of a certain ancient pop song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74J8Dl2ib-s
[video=youtube;74J8Dl2ib-s]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74J8Dl2ib-s[/video]

 

[mystikmind]

I think this kind of thing is why they invented good old fashioned 'chivalry' .... you know, in the old movies, two men interested in the same woman, they both shake hands and say "may the best man win, good luck to you". There is no bitterness or jealously etc etc, there is a simple acceptance of whatever will be will be and the loser politely steps aside when the 'battle' is over.

There is no reason women cannot do this too?

 

[seoulsearch]

Hi Arlene! Great thread... we must be on the same wavelength because last week I was thinking of a friend of mine who had an aunt that would actually get in physical fights with other women over a guy.

There are many things I would fight for. However, a man is not one of them.

This is a major reason why I've never been attracted to players or the guy everyone else wants. I like the illusion of having someone all to myself (I'm just greedy like that.)

If I'm interested in someone and I see several other women vying for his attention, I'll just walk away and see who it is he actually goes after, because that's the kind of guy I'd want anyway--the one who knows how to fend off unwanted attention and give all he has to the person he knows he's devoted to. If he's undecided, well, that settles my decision, and I remove myself from the scenario. I refuse to be seen as just an applicant among a sea of possibilities. It's like we've talked about in other threads--this kind of situation can set a person up to be "The Spare" ("If things don't work out with X, I can always have Y,") and try to avoid being a tool whenever possible.

Some people, and this happens with both men and women, LIKE being the center of attention and are actually happiest when more than one person is fighting over them.

There are lots of things worth fighting for in this world... but for me, a drama king or queen's attention is not one of them.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I like the illusion of having someone all to myself (I'm just greedy like that.)

If I'm interested in someone and I see several other women vying for his attention, I'll just walk away and see who it is he actually goes after, because that's the kind of guy I'd want anyway--the one who knows how to fend off unwanted attention and give all he has to the person he knows he's devoted to. If he's undecided, well, that settles my decision, and I remove myself from the scenario.

THIS. ^_^

 

[egeiro]

I have been in this situation before. My response was pretty much the same, to just let the friend go for it. Hindsight being 20/20 shows it was the better choice, though understandably such things may seem tough in the moment (especially back in them highschool days.) So I suppose there wasn't much of a battle, and in the end none of those relationships worked out for my friends. So trully only the love of friends prevailed.

Lol I just have to add that the title of this topic reminds me of a certain ancient pop song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74J8Dl2ib-s
[video=youtube;74J8Dl2ib-s]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74J8Dl2ib-s[/video]

I was typing the lyrics of this song to a fellow female CCer in the Single chat the other night. Maybe it's been inspiring my thread titles, hahaha!

 

[egeiro]

Hi Arlene! Great thread... we must be on the same wavelength because last week I was thinking of a friend of mine who had an aunt that would actually get in physical fights with other women over a guy.

There are many things I would fight for. However, a man is not one of them.

This is a major reason why I've never been attracted to players or the guy everyone else wants. I like the illusion of having someone all to myself (I'm just greedy like that.)

If I'm interested in someone and I see several other women vying for his attention, I'll just walk away and see who it is he actually goes after, because that's the kind of guy I'd want anyway--the one who knows how to fend off unwanted attention and give all he has to the person he knows he's devoted to. If he's undecided, well, that settles my decision, and I remove myself from the scenario. I refuse to be seen as just an applicant among a sea of possibilities. It's like we've talked about in other threads--this kind of situation can set a person up to be "The Spare" ("If things don't work out with X, I can always have Y,") and try to avoid being a tool whenever possible.

Some people, and this happens with both men and women, LIKE being the center of attention and are actually happiest when more than one person is fighting over them.

There are lots of things worth fighting for in this world... but for me, a drama king or queen's attention is not one of them.

Wow, well put, seoulsearch. Well put indeed. I think I needed to hear this.

 

[egeiro]

Stand next to a wall with your friend and tell her that he's off limits, then do this...

I literally laughed loudly at my computer screen when I saw this. I'll keep that approach in mind for future situations.

 

[AsifinPassing]

My only comment at the moment is, before walking away, do you even show or tell the guy that you
like him? It makes no sense for a guy to chase someone for no reason. I know 'the thirst' that makes a guy choose and chase after a girl, but things are different now.

If I'm interested, I'll let her know, and if she is, I hope she'd let me know. I really don't find the whole 'hard to get' 'unintersted' or 'cat and mouse' attractive at all. If anything, it's painful, confusing, and just not very realistic.