Biggest regret of my life is having a child

nevaeh2289 · Jul 24, 2015

I'm an only child and my upbringing with my parents, especially my mum was very strict. She wouldn't allow me to go out after a certain time or do what I wanted because she didn't want me out. I wasn't going out to do anything bad, go out to eat, cinema or bowling, hardly crime of the century. However she's very stuck in her ways and even unto today (me being 26) I still get that attitude towards her, but still do what I like.
I feel because I didn't enjoy my younger years, that now i've graduated, got a job, can drive and have the independence to do what I can, I don't have the freedom to enjoy life. Its like I now can do what I please, but I've got no freedom because I've got the child, who I do not bond with nor have maternal love for. I don't feel like a mum and certainly do not having feelings like one should. I feel like she is the biggest regret of my life and that my life is completely over because of her. everyday i ask God why he punished me in giving me a child, and ruining my life. I resent her every time I look at her and only wish someone can take her away, but my parents won't allow that. Her dad doesn't want custody of her just to visit her when he feels like it.

I want to do so much with my life, travel, work in a different country explore life and then settle down later. I don't know what to do now? Has anyone else felt like this? or has any advice please?

Cindy12 · Jul 24, 2015

I will certainly pray for you, my friend, but I think that God gave you this child as a blessing for a reason. You may have to discover this purpose and your daughter may one day soon be the one person you need the most in your life. Maybe you feel bitter and resentful because your daughters dad is not in the picture, but you CAN do all the things you want to do in your life with a child as well. Let your daughter explore the world with you. Why do your parents have anything to say about what you can or can't do any longer? Your 26 now, and far old enough to make your own decisions. I would recommend you find a good, Christian pastor or counselor to talk to about your problems and help you work through this matter. It could be extremely helpful to have good, Christian advice and someone to understand you too!

Willie-T · Jul 24, 2015

Well, maybe this thread is real, so I'll bite. Go leave her at a fire station. She deserves to be raised by someone who wants her.

damombomb · Jul 24, 2015

Lord Jesus let everything her child does be a blessing to her and same to the Mom.

jsr1221 · Jul 24, 2015

I'm with Willie. There are plenty of people that would love to raise a child but can't. This is going to be blunt, but if you didn't want a kid, then you shouldn't have had sex. Plain and simple. You reap what you sow, but in this situation the child deserves to be loved. Or else come later on in life, the child is going to have multiple problems because of you wanting to put you first. So if this is such a huge burden for you, then find her a very loving and happy one, one that will cherish her.

Anneliese · Jul 24, 2015

nevaeh2289 said:

I'm an only child and my upbringing with my parents, especially my mum was very strict. She wouldn't allow me to go out after a certain time or do what I wanted because she didn't want me out. I wasn't going out to do anything bad, go out to eat, cinema or bowling, hardly crime of the century. However she's very stuck in her ways and even unto today (me being 26) I still get that attitude towards her, but still do what I like.
I feel because I didn't enjoy my younger years, that now i've graduated, got a job, can drive and have the independence to do what I can, I don't have the freedom to enjoy life. Its like I now can do what I please, but I've got no freedom because I've got the child, who I do not bond with nor have maternal love for. I don't feel like a mum and certainly do not having feelings like one should. I feel like she is the biggest regret of my life and that my life is completely over because of her. everyday i ask God why he punished me in giving me a child, and ruining my life. I resent her every time I look at her and only wish someone can take her away, but my parents won't allow that. Her dad doesn't want custody of her just to visit her when he feels like it.

I want to do so much with my life, travel, work in a different country explore life and then settle down later. I don't know what to do now? Has anyone else felt like this? or has any advice please?

Your child is a legacy from God. No amount of money can be put on a life.

She is unique, she has your DNA, she has a part of you. It's yours and yours alone.

One day, you will grow old and you will realise no money, status or stuff on earth can bring you happliness like your own child/children.

Remember, nothing good comes easy.

tourist · Jul 24, 2015

nevaeh2289 said:

I'm an only child and my upbringing with my parents, especially my mum was very strict. She wouldn't allow me to go out after a certain time or do what I wanted because she didn't want me out. I wasn't going out to do anything bad, go out to eat, cinema or bowling, hardly crime of the century. However she's very stuck in her ways and even unto today (me being 26) I still get that attitude towards her, but still do what I like.
I feel because I didn't enjoy my younger years, that now i've graduated, got a job, can drive and have the independence to do what I can, I don't have the freedom to enjoy life. Its like I now can do what I please, but I've got no freedom because I've got the child, who I do not bond with nor have maternal love for. I don't feel like a mum and certainly do not having feelings like one should. I feel like she is the biggest regret of my life and that my life is completely over because of her. everyday i ask God why he punished me in giving me a child, and ruining my life. I resent her every time I look at her and only wish someone can take her away, but my parents won't allow that. Her dad doesn't want custody of her just to visit her when he feels like it.

I want to do so much with my life, travel, work in a different country explore life and then settle down later. I don't know what to do now? Has anyone else felt like this? or has any advice please?

You should seriously consider giving up your child for adoption. The child deserves better than what you provide.

blondieindahouse · Jul 24, 2015

nevaeh2289 said:

What you do now is make a few adjustments and put your daughter first. I encourage you to run to a doctor and pastor!
It sounds to me that you may be suffering from postpartum depression. You need to get some help asap. Your child deserves a well adjusted happy healthy mom who will care for her the best that she deserves. How old is your child?

Do you have a pastor? Do you know Jesus Christ? Run fast to get some advice from women and men who serve Christ. Do you live with your parents? Are your parents born again in Christ?

Do not listen to the negative comments on this thread! You came here for a reason and it was to be encouraged and it was seeking direction so YOU can do all YOU can do to change YOUR life so your BABY GIRL can have a fulfilled life as well as yourself! You can do anything you set your mind to. Life will be harder but it is doable.

Your mind needs renewing. Start focusing on Gods word and your blessings instead of the hardships. We all have trials and tribulations. That is life! Life is messy . All can seem hopeless when we do not lean on Gods word . You need more of Jesus Christ in your life . We are NEVER defeated as children of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords! You cannot see the whole picture but Jesus does! Gods will is that you prosper in HIM . Christ wants you to realize who you really are and that is a loving caring mom. Christ wants YOU to live a godly life of obedience to HIM.

God can provide all you need in every situation. Do you really trust God to help? God did not punish you but God did allow your child to be born . Your baby is a blessing from God! Your baby is precious. She is just as precious as you were as a baby. She depends on YOU. She deserves lots of love and happiness!! You have to trust in Jesus Christ to be sufficient for everything! Do you know Jesus? Do you really trust the Holy Spirit who guides you and councils you and teaches you in all things?

You can do this! Are you ready to trust Christ?

blue_ladybug · Jul 24, 2015

If you didn't want a baby, then you shouldn't have had sex, because premarital sex is a sin. It was careless and irresponsible of you to not have used protection. If there's a regret in your life, it should be that you didn't use birth control in order to not get pregnant.. :/ As stated numerous times here, children are a gift of God. I think you're a little selfish to want to go and do what YOU want to do, but feel resentful of an innocent child.. Plenty of people can still go and do what they enjoy, despite having kids.. It's not your child's fault that you were irresponsible.. I totally agree with jsr1221 and Willie_T. If you resent her that much and don't love her, then give her up for adoption so another couple who can't have kids, can give her the love and attention that you are refusing her/ him. They won't look upon that child with resentfulness and regret like you do. That child deserves alot better than the hateful emotions you display to her. Then you can be free to go and do what you want without the hindrance of a child on you..

Hellooo · Jul 24, 2015

The language around the lack of emotional bonding or maternal love really sticks out - it does sound like post partum depression. I'm not a doctor, but I encourage you to consult with one asap. Schedule an appointment right away, please. You don't have to continue to feel this way. Depression can be so sneaky.

blondieindahouse · Jul 24, 2015

Hellooo said:

It stuck out to me too as well as lack of Christ in her life. Depression has an UGLY face. Depression can destroy a person.

Matthew 11:28…27"All things have been handed over to Me by My Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father; nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and anyone to whom the Son wills to reveal Him. 28"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.…

We are called to act out of leading by the HOLY SPIRIT! In WISDOM and DISCERNMENT and LOVE we are called. Judge not upon first appearances.............
Lord forgive them for they know not what they do...........

Zechariah 7:9
"This is what the LORD Almighty said: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.

Hellooo · Jul 24, 2015

Nevaeh2289, please feel free to send a private message, I had a similar experience, my inbox is open. I would hold off on making any big permanent decisions in the meantime, and see someone. The lack of motivation, feelings of isolation, apathy toward your little one, you know deep down that something is off. please keep us updated by telling us that you've at least scheduled an appointment

Pres19 · Jul 24, 2015

nevaeh2289 said:

The only advice I can give is..
go talk to someone about postpartum depression.
This child deserves better than what you are offering. Sorry to sound rude but its the truth.
I got pregnant at 19 and had my son at 20 (3 1/2 months early) I had postpartum depression and PTSD from him being in the NICU for so long. A child is a beautiful Gift.
If you can't love this child then please find someone who will. Hopefully next time you'll think twice before you have sex and get pregnant. I learned my lesson and got help. I hope you do to. This child deserves a loving mother.

Angela53510 · Jul 24, 2015

You don't say how old your child is. Besides the post-partum depression, your child might be autistic. My oldest was hard to bond with, although I never wanted to be rid of him, and loved him very much. But he was so different than my younger three, and there is no doubt he has high functioning Asperger's.

I think you need to get your child evaluated, besides getting help for yourself. Sometimes the child is just not that emotional or cuddly.

I also wonder if you are taking out on your child the fact that you are not with the father? Lots going on here. I don't think you should give your child up for adoption. Instead, check out what is going on medically.

I just know every older couple I know who did not have children, so they could pursue their careers and life regret terribly that there are no children or grandchildren as they age.

Children are a lot of work, but they are a blessing from God. You do not seem to be feeling or understanding this, so it is time to seek help.

Dino246 · Jul 25, 2015

Hi Nevaeh,
On the assumption that your post is genuine and brutally honest, thank you for your courage; I suspect it wasn't easy to share.

What I see in your post is a lot of resentment toward your own mother, which is understandable. However, resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. For our own good, Jesus tells us to forgive one another. It sounds like your lack of maternal bonding may be an outworking of your resentment; the two are probably intricately connected. Allow me to encourage you to find a Christian counselor or pastor soon, who can walk you through forgiving your own mother in a biblically-sound way. And ask the Lord to show you what needs to be healed in you so that you can be a vessel of His love for your child. He will honour such a request.

Perhaps your child was conceived in a sinful act, but that doesn't mean God doesn't love her, and you, enough to have sent His Son to die for that sin. God can redeem this situation; your daughter is in no way a punishment from God. Rather, she is His gift to you to bring you toward the holiness He desires for you. It sounds convoluted, but sometimes God's ways are not understandable to us at the time. If you walk through your own healing, and still feel that keeping your daughter is not best for her, then find an agency through which she may be adopted. It doesn't sound like an easy decision, but it is also not one which you can undo.

I'm not sure what the laws are like in Britain, but at least you should be getting financial support from the father, and you can work out a visitation arrangement so that it is not simply on his whim when he sees her. In this regard, perhaps a chat with a family lawyer would be helpful as well.

Regarding your desires to travel and experience life, those are good desires. However, you made a choice which precludes such things, at least for the short term. Entrust these things to the Lord, and He can hold on to them, and give them back at the right time. I suspect that no amount of other life experiences will hold a candle to raising your own daughter, even if it is difficult and sacrificial. Parenting is both those things, but full of joy as well. My own children were taken from me through marital breakup, and I regret the times I didn't spend with them when I could have done so. The freedom I have does not make up for their absence.

Blessings,
Dino

Dan58 · Jul 25, 2015

nevaeh2289 said:

Don't blame God, your the one who went out and did what was necessary to have a child. And don't blame the child for your lack of freedom, your regrets aren't her fault. When you become a mum, you put your wants and needs on a shelf... Baby comes first.. To be blunt, your way too selfish, self-centered, and immature to be a mother, please place your daughter up for adoption, she would be better off with anyone than she is with you. And for God's sake, the next time you have some freedom to do what you want, keep your legs crossed, because you have absolutely no business having children.. Sorry, but I found your post very disturbing, because mothers should love and cherish their children.

blondieindahouse · Jul 25, 2015

Dan58 said:

Don't blame God, your the one who went out and did what was necessary to have a child. And don't blame the child for your lack of freedom, your regrets aren't her fault. When you become a mum, you put your wants and needs on a shelf... Baby comes first.. To be blunt, your way too selfish, self-centered, and immature to be a mother, please place your daughter up for adoption, she would be better off with anyone than she is with you. And for God's sake, the next time you have some freedom to do what you want, keep your legs crossed, because you have absolutely no business having children.. Sorry, but I found your post very disturbing, because mothers should love and cherish their children.

Youve obviously never heard of postpartum depression..........

Dan58 · Jul 25, 2015

blondieindahouse said:

Her post said absolutely nothing about any type of depression. Perhaps you've made an assumption or diagnosis to excuse her cold-heartedness? She said nothing about being depressed, so I'm not reading more into it than what was stated. She wrote that she had a kid that she doesn't love or want, and blames God for ruining her life. My response was limited to what she wrote. Is there something wrong with her? No doubt, but my concern is for her unloved and unwanted daughter.

Cruisyazz · Jul 25, 2015

Make her part of your life instead of just a burden. It's tough when they are young but they grow up quick and when your old you will need her to help you feel young again.

Pres19 · Jul 25, 2015

Postpartum depression or not.. I believe you should seek help.
You should never feel that way about your child.
I get you're "young" but you made the choice and you had a child. Now this little girl, this gift needs you.
I'm young and a mother. I hated myself and didn't feel real attached to my son but I didn't hate him. I did it and I had to grow up and see my baby needed me.
If this is postpartum depression, I feel for you, I really do.
If not.. Then I don't know what else to say.
This child needs you. If not you then find someone who will love this beautiful Gift.

Biggest regret of my life is having a child

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