What do women want? Chocolate! Adventure! Coffee! Shoes! Security! Love! Cats!

[MissCris]

Since women have been asked not to post in another thread...ahem...

I was just thinking back on allllll the other threads we've had here where this has been discussed at all, or even so much as mentioned. I can only recall one recurring "want" among all the women who spoke up about it- we want to be with a man who loves God and loves us.

Aside from that, we all differ to some extent. Some of us need certain things from the man we choose to be with, some of us need something different. And that's totally ok! We can't be generalized into wanting one particular attribute in our relationships. I think that's one of the most beautiful things about how we were created- Diversity.

What I want is different than what Olerica wants. What she wants is different than what gypsygirl wants, which differs from what Hellooo wants, which differs from what Grace wants, and so on right through the list of every female member on this site and every female on the planet.

Do some of us have common wants/needs? Of course. But to have a generalized discussion about what we want while also excluding us...you're not going to learn a lot.

 

[CarolSampaio]

I just want some peace and quiet to play my videogames and read/listen to my books, while bundled with my cats ....

And also free time to pursue my interests and satisfy my curiosity... and travel... travel is important!!!

 

[Olerica]

I had to laugh at a recent post on that other thread, something about isn't it good to gain understanding from someone who knows....but to then exclude the ones who would know best? It's like shooting yourself in the foot to find out if the safety is on.

But out the truth is, an individual man would have to step up and have a conversation with an individual woman... And yeah, it'll be scary to open yourself up, but that's why it's wise to approach with friendship and then take the relationship deeper if both parties agree. A woman who is interested will typically be fairly easy to get to know.

Be be a man of God, love and chase after HIM....that's what a Christian woman wants. That's the cake. The rest? Style and interests and all, that's just the flavor of the filling and icing.

 

[melita916]

i currently want to go to sleep.

lol

 

[cmarieh]

I can only speak about me, but I desire a man who has a heart for God and lives to serve him daily, no excuses. It has everything to do with his heart because by his heart you can tell a lot about him and the type of husband he will be. If he has a heart for God and serves him, he will provide security and anything our precious hearts may desire.

 

[Mitspa]

I can only speak about me, but I desire a man who has a heart for God and lives to serve him daily, no excuses. It has everything to do with his heart because by his heart you can tell a lot about him and the type of husband he will be. If he has a heart for God and serves him, he will provide security and anything our precious hearts may desire.

Now this I understand

 

[Willie-T]

Since I didn't see a restriction to men posting, may I?

I find myself thinking, far more often, "What does she need from me?", than, "What does she want?".

 

[CarolSampaio]

Since I didn't see a restriction to men posting, may I?

I find myself thinking, far more often, "What does she need from me?", than, "What does she want?".

That's what many men think... and it bugs me...

Truth is... and I speak for myself, I don't NEED anything from men... but I do desire from my significant other his friendship, his time, his laughter... not because he thinks I need it, but because he wants to share those things with me...

I want to be with someone not because I need them, but because I want to be with him even though I don't need to....

It's kinda hard to explain... but it's how I feel.

 

[jsr1221]

Since I didn't see a restriction to men posting, may I?

I find myself thinking, far more often, "What does she need from me?", than, "What does she want?".

Honestly, women don't need anything from men. There are plenty of strong independent single women, including on this site (see Lady Blue) that would tell you they don't need a man to provide anything. It's more about what does she want rather than need.

 

[PoetMary]

Since I didn't see a restriction to men posting, may I?

I find myself thinking, far more often, "What does she need from me?", than, "What does she want?".

I think that is a rather insightful statement.

There's a quote from Gosford Park about being a servant (in this case, a household servant) that goes like this:

What gift do you think a good servant has that separates them from the others? It's the gift of anticipation. And I'm a good servant; I'm better than good, I'm the best; I'm the perfect servant. I know when they'll be hungry, and the food is ready. I know when they'll be tired, and the bed is turned down. I know it before they know it themselves.

Now consider that idea in terms of serving others for the sake of Jesus. Often people don't know exactly what they want. There are often too many outside influences that drive us to think that we want A when really we need B. Sometimes we have difficulty articulating what we want/need. I think part of being a servant involves being very attentive to the other. Learning them as a person so you can know what they need and how to meet that need.

You see this often with parents and children. A child will begin to get irritable and the observant parent will know they need a snack...so they provide it.

It seems to me that having the attitude of a servant would be invaluable in building a marriage.

 

[Willie-T]

Honestly, women don't need anything from men. There are plenty of strong independent single women, including on this site (see Lady Blue) that would tell you they don't need a man to provide anything. It's more about what does she want rather than need.

I think when we mine the depths of that view, there might actually be more "need" on the part of both women and men than we would like to admit, as the 'independent" creatures we like to think we are.

I believe we are much more "interdependent" than we are "independent".

 

[Willie-T]

I think that is a rather insightful statement.

There's a quote from Gosford Park about being a servant (in this case, a household servant) that goes like this:

What gift do you think a good servant has that separates them from the others? It's the gift of anticipation. And I'm a good servant; I'm better than good, I'm the best; I'm the perfect servant. I know when they'll be hungry, and the food is ready. I know when they'll be tired, and the bed is turned down. I know it before they know it themselves.

Now consider that idea in terms of serving others for the sake of Jesus. Often people don't know exactly what they want. There are often too many outside influences that drive us to think that we want A when really we need B. Sometimes we have difficulty articulating what we want/need. I think part of being a servant involves being very attentive to the other. Learning them as a person so you can know what they need and how to meet that need.

You see this often with parents and children. A child will begin to get irritable and the observant parent will know they need a snack...so they provide it.

It seems to me that having the attitude of a servant would be invaluable in building a marriage.

My wife and I were told, by an old lady next door, when we were married..... "Marriage is not 50/50. It is 90/10. Give 90%, but only "expect" 10%...... and that goes for BOTH parties.

 

[PoetMary]

Honestly, women don't need anything from men. There are plenty of strong independent single women, including on this site (see Lady Blue) that would tell you they don't need a man to provide anything. It's more about what does she want rather than need.

You know, as a strong independent woman, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree.

If you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I have the first two levels covered. My basic physiological needs are met, as are my safety needs. I'm a first-world woman who lives in a safe area of the country. I have an education and work in a stable field, so the basics are all sorted.

However, that leaves three whole other levels of need where the involvement of men is very useful to me--namely, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization.

I need men in my life to give me a sense of love and belonging. Certainly, I can get that to a degree from women, but men are half the planet. I want to have a sense of love and belonging from the breadth of humanity.

Also, there are significant ways that men can address esteem issues that women simply cannot. It's not that the input of women doesn't matter regarding esteem. It's just that we need to develop confidence and competency in many areas of our lives. There are some areas that are best addressed by men.

When it comes to self-actualization, I've found men to be particularly helpful to me. There are ways that men have seen and cultivated my potential that women have not. It's not that women are inadequate. We just see the world with different eyes. There's a way that men push and say, "Is that all you've got?" that makes you dig a little deeper and do more than you anticipated you could.

These are real NEEDS in my life...not wants. In the absence of these needs being met, I suffer. It pains me if I don't have a sense of love and belonging from men. There are areas where my confidence is slipshod or very thin without the input of men. And there are things I'd probably consider, but not push myself to try were it not for the encouragement of men. So far as I'm concerned, men have a great deal to contribute in meeting the needs of women--it just may not be the low-level needs that they anticipate.

 

[MissCris]

As far as Need vs. Want from a significant other-

No, a woman does not Need a man in her life (nor does a man need a woman in his). But once they've decided to be together, particularly once they're married...

I dunno. In my own experience, I'm finding that there are things I DO Need from my husband. There are things he Needs from me. If either of us fail to provide the other's needs, we start seeing cracks in the foundation, so to speak. Of course above all we both need God, but then, God doesn't Force us to love and respect and serve each other in the ways we are finding that we Need from each other. And since we're fallible, sometimes blundering, human beings, we don't always succeed at meeting each other's needs, even With God at the center of our marriage.

And then there are things we Want from each other. If one of us isn't fulfilling the Wants of the other, it's not that big of a deal, just as far as the state of our marriage is concerned. What I consider Wants in my marriage aren't going to make or break us, if that makes sense.

A woman can absolutely be strong and independent and still find that she Needs certain things in her relationship. And needing things from a husband doesn't make her weak or "less" in any way.

 

[Mitspa]

That's what many men think... and it bugs me...

Truth is... and I speak for myself, I don't NEED anything from men... but I do desire from my significant other his friendship, his time, his laughter... not because he thinks I need it, but because he wants to share those things with me...

I want to be with someone not because I need them, but because I want to be with him even though I don't need to....

It's kinda hard to explain... but it's how I feel.

see here is the place I miss it...I understand being godly, kind and loving...but I cant figure out how I can sometimes hurt the feelings of someone I love and have no clue ?

 

[MissCris]

see here is the place I miss it...I understand being godly, kind and loving...but I cant figure out how I can sometimes hurt the feelings of someone I love and have no clue ?

That takes time. The more you learn about/learn to communicate with each other, the less unintentionally inflicted pain occurs. But that's on both parties- women have to speak up (preferably without nagging or belittling) and Communicate the things that hurt them, and the man has to really hear that and put effort into avoiding those things (and the other way around, as well).

 

[Willie-T]

see here is the place I miss it...I understand being godly, kind and loving...but I cant figure out how I can sometimes hurt the feelings of someone I love and have no clue ?

And, ya know what? She doesn't demand that you figure it out... Just knowing you want to is enough.

 

[seoulsearch]

I know I'll get in trouble if I say what I really want to say and in the way I want to say it, so as is custom here, I shall scale it back to G-rated expressions.

The whole "Men Sharing Expertise On Women and Only Men Are Allowed to Speak" thread sounded a lot like Donald Trump running for president.

"I have nothing in common with the average American, no clue as to how the average American lives, and I'm certainly not interested in what regular Americans have to say, but here I am, in your face, and this is why I should be the one to represent The Average American. Oh, and by the way, all you average Americans? Shut your traps. I don't want to hear it. Just be good, sit back, and allow me to speak for you."

I know one thing a woman wants.

She wants to be asked what she thinks by a man who sees her input as something he doesn't want to make a decision without, and she wants what she has to say to be respected... and heeded.

P.S. Wille-T, Chandler, and all the great guys who spoke up in the defense of women... I've tried to rep you all but for some, the system won't let me.

GRRR. THIS woman wants to be able to rep whomever she chooses to rep!

 

[Mitspa]

And, ya know what? She doesn't demand that you figure it out... Just knowing you want to is enough.

Im not too sure about that willie?

 

[PoetMary]

see here is the place I miss it...I understand being godly, kind and loving...but I cant figure out how I can sometimes hurt the feelings of someone I love and have no clue ?

Okay...let's presume that someone isn't deliberately hiding or lying about their feelings for this scenario. So then, why do we sometimes miss the fact that we've hurt a loved one's feelings:

1. We prefer our way of seeing the world, so we can't be bothered to see it from their perspective.
2. They attempted to tell us, but we ignored, minimized or shamed these attempts.
3. We value our philosophical sense of rightness over their feelings.
4. We live in denial because we don't want to be put in the position of having to be wrong and apologize.
5. We live in denial because dealing with their feelings and their sensitive areas requires for us to change how we behave.
6. We think they'll just get over it.
7. We think they are too sensitive.
8. We are perfectionists who see the world in terms of wrong/right and we hate being in the wrong.
9. We don't believe their self-reporting and instead think they feel some other way than what they are saying.
10. We presume they're trying to manipulate us with their feelings.

I could go on.

But all of the above reasons boil down to this: A failure of empathy. Every single person has their own tender places. We have to be very attentive and open to seeing these places and being very gentle around them. Part of loving as God loves is having that heart of empathy.