newly wed

[believingseeker]

Hey I just got married and still on the honeymoon and still madly in love however we are hitting frustration. Especially when it comes to honeymoon things. I find myself getting very frustrated and end up saying things I don't mean. I'm a very active young man and she not so much. I understand marriage doesn't make problems go away and I am more then willing to work. But my temper and lack of patients make my fuse short. Especially when she is just as stubbern as I am. I just feel depressed and its should not be this way. I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

 

[SUE]

[SUP]There is nothing wrong with you. You are both, 100% a normal couple. All of us start out thinking we have found and understand Love. But the truth is marriage helps us grow into true, lasting love. Love is not about what I receive, but about what I give not keeping an account. (A life time adventure) The Bible has picture of what this looks like in I Corinthians chapter 13. Bring God into you issue with prayer and ask His help. God Bless you both...Sue
4 [/SUP]Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
[SUP]5 [/SUP]It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
[SUP]6 [/SUP]It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
[SUP]7 [/SUP]Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].
[SUP]8 [/SUP]Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

 

[Galahad]

Hey I just got married and still on the honeymoon and still madly in love however we are hitting frustration. Especially when it comes to honeymoon things. I find myself getting very frustrated and end up saying things I don't mean. I'm a very active young man and she not so much. I understand marriage doesn't make problems go away and I am more then willing to work. But my temper and lack of patients make my fuse short. Especially when she is just as stubbern as I am. I just feel depressed and its should not be this way. I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

Congratulations to you and your bride.

What are you ages?

First marriage?

I suppose you are both young 20's and never married.

Honeymoon things! Intimacy?

Relax. Okay. Just let go. It's your honeymoon. It's hers as well.

Even in your post I sense your tension. So relax.

You are active. She isn't. So you want to go out and be active and she wants to be slow and enjoy moments together. Give that to her.

If you're active as you say, she may very well feel that she's not your focus. Put you energy toward her.

And don't be stubborn. Be mature. Help her and work with her and sacrifice, compromise.

Basically, you got to turn things around ASAP. Your honeymoon will be nothing more than an lemon moon. Sour.

 

[believingseeker]

Galaha:
Yea its our first marriage and she 21 I'm 25. Active I meant being intimate. I'm completely focused on her. I compliment her and she brushes it off. And in turn she turns around and can't give that back. Also she planned this great honeymoon and we can't do it because she decides it no longer what she wants. I'm rambling but i think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I tell her every day but she doesn't believe me. I take care of her and make sure she has everything she needs. But when I want to be physical she says no. Nothing seems to be worth and clearly there is no barter system here. I'm not sure where this really went but I've got a few more issues I gues

 

[pwrnJC]

It is perfectly normal for us dudes to expect our new soul mate to be cooperative in the 'love' department, indeed..after all..the bible says "IF the man cannot control his passion, and the woman is in the flower of her youth, let them marry. IT is NOT a sin"....but the bible never says "Thou must always produce when thy sex drive is raging" lol I do not know the 'mental' condition or stability of thine new wife, nor did you expose any of your background, but I had a very close CHRISTIAN friend who married a very beautiful lady and he shared with me the same story. My friend, a natural romantic at heart, arranged rose petal bubble baths in the Poconoes for his beautiful bride and she never responded at all...not even a kiss on the cheek. To make a long story short...after two children and years of frustration in the same department...he is NOW very happy....with a new wife. Some females honestly, do not have a sex drive..and it drives us males crazy trying to figure it out. No amount of money, attention or new sexual technique will work. It could be hormonal...or mental..physical, or related to depression, anxiety or even spiritual. IT will take tons of patience from both parties...but it can be worked out. THe fact that she keeps 'changing her mind" and that she does not know how to take a genuine compliment from her hubby shows that insecurity, and much deeper emotions are involved. Do not take it that it is just "YOU"...it would happen with any hubby that she would have....if that be the case. I am not trying to shift the entire blame entirely on her..however...if you are telling the entire truth...that you are very good to her, very providing..very romantic and loving...and not demonizing her...and she still changes her mind and ignores your advances...get her help NOW and be supportive by going with her. Do not let this drag on for years...a good CHRISTIAN counselor should be sought.

 

[kaylagrl]

Galaha:
Yea its our first marriage and she 21 I'm 25. Active I meant being intimate. I'm completely focused on her. I compliment her and she brushes it off. And in turn she turns around and can't give that back. Also she planned this great honeymoon and we can't do it because she decides it no longer what she wants. I'm rambling but i think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I tell her every day but she doesn't believe me. I take care of her and make sure she has everything she needs. But when I want to be physical she says no. Nothing seems to be worth and clearly there is no barter system here. I'm not sure where this really went but I've got a few more issues I gues

Have you tried talking this out with her? Im going to ask a bold question that you dont have to answer but were you physical before you married? Did you talk about sex and what you needed before you got married? There is an issue thats certain.If she does not believe your compliments is there a reason for that? What I mean is in her background,is there a reason for her poor self esteem? I sense an issue there. Also its much easier for men to get in the right frame of mind for sex,you may be running ahead of her.Women need time and attention.Rushing ahead will get you no where but frustrated.Men and women differ no matter what movies and porn try to tell you.A woman needs to feel secure,comforted and loved,not rushed or pushed. Just some thoughts.If you can elaborate we may be able to see the cause of her close mindedness.

 

[tourist]

Hey I just got married and still on the honeymoon and still madly in love however we are hitting frustration. Especially when it comes to honeymoon things. I find myself getting very frustrated and end up saying things I don't mean. I'm a very active young man and she not so much. I understand marriage doesn't make problems go away and I am more then willing to work. But my temper and lack of patients make my fuse short. Especially when she is just as stubbern as I am. I just feel depressed and its should not be this way. I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with you. It could be that she just needs time to adjust to her new life with you. If this continues after a couple more months it is probably something more serious and may need attention. Welcome to CC.

 

[Galahad]

Galaha:
Yea its our first marriage and she 21 I'm 25. Active I meant being intimate. I'm completely focused on her. I compliment her and she brushes it off. And in turn she turns around and can't give that back. Also she planned this great honeymoon and we can't do it because she decides it no longer what she wants. I'm rambling but i think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I tell her every day but she doesn't believe me. I take care of her and make sure she has everything she needs. But when I want to be physical she says no. Nothing seems to be worth and clearly there is no barter system here. I'm not sure where this really went but I've got a few more issues I gues

Get on a plane and go home. Seriously. Tell her you've had enough. Done. Not saying get divorce or separate, but you are done with the games and the "I've got you wrapped around my finger" attitude.
If what you say is true, you've been had. So sorry. So very sorry.

Again, you've got to show you are not a doormat, just because you are the one with the hormone drive and so on.

Before you go home, drop the hammer. Let her know you've had enough. Put it out there.

Tell you what. Take her to dinner. Nothing too formal. Sit her down. Then to her face tell her she'd better change attitude, respect you, you love her, but....

Seriously, if she gives you attitude. Pack your bags and go home.

I know there's probably more than what you are able to write, but it sounds like she's usurping authority.

She's for some reason or another using your attraction to her and your drive to be with her as leverage in her favor.

If she claims to be a believer, then read bible with her.

Not saying she has to just become a dream of genie sort, but she's not right.

I'll reread your post. Maybe I missed something or read too much into.

I feel for you. Your experience is not typical. It isn't.

Was she this sort of person when you were dating and engaged?

 

[kaylagrl]

It is perfectly normal for us dudes to expect our new soul mate to be cooperative in the 'love' department, indeed..after all..the bible says "IF the man cannot control his passion, and the woman is in the flower of her youth, let them marry. IT is NOT a sin"....but the bible never says "Thou must always produce when thy sex drive is raging" lol I do not know the 'mental' condition or stability of thine new wife, nor did you expose any of your background, but I had a very close CHRISTIAN friend who married a very beautiful lady and he shared with me the same story. My friend, a natural romantic at heart, arranged rose petal bubble baths in the Poconoes for his beautiful bride and she never responded at all...not even a kiss on the cheek. To make a long story short...after two children and years of frustration in the same department...he is NOW very happy....with a new wife. Some females honestly, do not have a sex drive..and it drives us males crazy trying to figure it out. No amount of money, attention or new sexual technique will work. It could be hormonal...or mental..physical, or related to depression, anxiety or even spiritual. IT will take tons of patience from both parties...but it can be worked out. THe fact that she keeps 'changing her mind" and that she does not know how to take a genuine compliment from her hubby shows that insecurity, and much deeper emotions are involved. Do not take it that it is just "YOU"...it would happen with any hubby that she would have....if that be the case. I am not trying to shift the entire blame entirely on her..however...if you are telling the entire truth...that you are very good to her, very providing..very romantic and loving...and not demonizing her...and she still changes her mind and ignores your advances...get her help NOW and be supportive by going with her. Do not let this drag on for years...a good CHRISTIAN counselor should be sought.

I agree mostly with what you said but this..." Some females honestly, do not have a sex drive..and it drives us males crazy trying to figure it out."

I think its pretty rare that women dont have a willingness for sex.I think movies,porn and magazines have skewed mens view of women to such a point that men think women are like them in the bedroom. Oh sure we say we know that but really.we dont. Most men can get there quickly and leave just as quickly,Im good,Im done. But a woman needs non sexual physical touch throughout the day.By that I mean I had a woman say to me "he wants to kiss and touch me all day but I know that he just wants sex tonight.If I dont come across he'll be angry" Women need men to not always think in terms of sex as an end goal.Sometimes women want to be close without sex.As a husband it is your job to help her get there,and women need more time to get there.If they cannot then its time for counseling or medical reasons. But I dont think medical issues are the reason most of the time.

Most Christians would probably disagree,and I dont like to talk about anything too personal but my husband and I talked these issues out before we married after we were engaged.And therefore we didnt have awkward moments,there was no pressure on the honeymoon at all.We decided we had a lifetime together to enjoy each other and we were not going to put all the pressure on one night,or the first year of marriage.As we grew together and matured in our relationship that would change too. So we have no issues in that area.We're patient with each other and are learning each other as time passes.Its worked for us and I think it could work for others. Marriage is not a movie or a fairytale. It takes time to learn and mature together.Young couples dont get that kind of teaching and it should be taught,it would save a lot of marriages.

 

[Galahad]

Galaha:
Yea its our first marriage and she 21 I'm 25. Active I meant being intimate. I'm completely focused on her. I compliment her and she brushes it off. And in turn she turns around and can't give that back. Also she planned this great honeymoon and we can't do it because she decides it no longer what she wants. I'm rambling but i think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I tell her every day but she doesn't believe me. I take care of her and make sure she has everything she needs. But when I want to be physical she says no. Nothing seems to be worth and clearly there is no barter system here. I'm not sure where this really went but I've got a few more issues I gues

Here's what caused my rant in my first response to the post above:

"She brushes it off. And can't give back." That shows terrible attitude on her part. I can see how she might be nervous or something, but to be cold...that's not loving.

"She planned great honeymoon and we can't do it because she DECIDES it no longer what she wants." Again, not typical. She wanted the wedding, the attention in the planning, the calls, the show. That's over. Done. Now it's just you two. Those are my thoughts. I could be way off base. No pun intended.

"I take care of her and make sure she has everything she needs. But when I want to be physical she says no." That's it? Just "No?" Not even, "I have some things I need to tell you about"? Not even, "Can we talk"? Or, "I love you, but here's why I am inhibited."

"No barter system." That says a lot. What you mean is, you give most. But get very little in exchange. That's a big challenge.

pwrncJC responded with "Do not let this drag on for years...a good CHRISTIAN counselor should be sought." I agree.

Is she close to her mom? Are you in good standing with her parents? Is "Yes" to both, get them to help you and her. Maybe a third party that you both are very comfortable with can assist.

In the mean time, try to get her to talk. To share her feelings and thoughts.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

You're an active young man and she's not so much ─ well that's something.

(Sorry, just having a bit of fun with how you phrased that.)

To each their own pet peeves, shortcomings, etc; if you truly love each other, then extend some grace to one another over these things.

I hope you're able to receive wise counsel here, and that you communicate these feelings with your lovely lady as well. If you're simply looking to vent/brainstorm, go crazy! That's fine too and sometimes conducive.

 

[bowharp]

Hey I just got married and still on the honeymoon and still madly in love however we are hitting frustration. Especially when it comes to honeymoon things. I find myself getting very frustrated and end up saying things I don't mean. I'm a very active young man and she not so much. I understand marriage doesn't make problems go away and I am more then willing to work. But my temper and lack of patients make my fuse short. Especially when she is just as stubbern as I am. I just feel depressed and its should not be this way. I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

You got to talk to her. Spend some quality emotional time with her. Maybe, she needs some time, space (chillaxing because it's been a long and busy day) and emotion connections. Every women is different, only way to find out is to communicate and understand her.

Remember there are 3 parties: God, your wife and lastly you.

 

[bowharp]

Galaha:
Yea its our first marriage and she 21 I'm 25. Active I meant being intimate. I'm completely focused on her. I compliment her and she brushes it off. And in turn she turns around and can't give that back. Also she planned this great honeymoon and we can't do it because she decides it no longer what she wants. I'm rambling but i think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I tell her every day but she doesn't believe me. I take care of her and make sure she has everything she needs. But when I want to be physical she says no. Nothing seems to be worth and clearly there is no barter system here. I'm not sure where this really went but I've got a few more issues I gues

Anyone can give compliments...... what is one thing that only you and her share?

Hmmmmmmmmmm.. have you gone through this book?

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate:

Here's kinda the break down in table format, she could be multiple of this (communication is the key to understanding her needs/wants):

 

[blue_ladybug]

I agree mostly with what you said but this..." Some females honestly, do not have a sex drive..and it drives us males crazy trying to figure it out."

I think its pretty rare that women dont have a willingness for sex.I think movies,porn and magazines have skewed mens view of women to such a point that men think women are like them in the bedroom. Oh sure we say we know that but really.we dont. Most men can get there quickly and leave just as quickly,Im good,Im done. But a woman needs non sexual physical touch throughout the day.By that I mean I had a woman say to me "he wants to kiss and touch me all day but I know that he just wants sex tonight.If I dont come across he'll be angry" Women need men to not always think in terms of sex as an end goal.Sometimes women want to be close without sex.As a husband it is your job to help her get there,and women need more time to get there.If they cannot then its time for counseling or medical reasons. But I dont think medical issues are the reason most of the time.

Most Christians would probably disagree,and I dont like to talk about anything too personal but my husband and I talked these issues out before we married after we were engaged.And therefore we didnt have awkward moments,there was no pressure on the honeymoon at all.We decided we had a lifetime together to enjoy each other and we were not going to put all the pressure on one night,or the first year of marriage.As we grew together and matured in our relationship that would change too. So we have no issues in that area.We're patient with each other and are learning each other as time passes.Its worked for us and I think it could work for others. Marriage is not a movie or a fairytale. It takes time to learn and mature together.Young couples dont get that kind of teaching and it should be taught,it would save a lot of marriages.

I must be one of the rare ones. I've never had a real willingness for sex. I've never really cared for it and truly could and do, live without it. My boyfriends were always very pushy and aggressive about it, so I usually just gave in just to get it over with so they would quit complaining about not getting any sex. Turns out that they all (except one) cheated around on me anyway, so obviously they WERE getting it.. Just not from me.. lol..

 

[Jenizona]

I agree mostly with what you said but this..." Some females honestly, do not have a sex drive..and it drives us males crazy trying to figure it out."

I think its pretty rare that women dont have a willingness for sex.I think movies,porn and magazines have skewed mens view of women to such a point that men think women are like them in the bedroom. Oh sure we say we know that but really.we dont. Most men can get there quickly and leave just as quickly,Im good,Im done. But a woman needs non sexual physical touch throughout the day.By that I mean I had a woman say to me "he wants to kiss and touch me all day but I know that he just wants sex tonight.If I dont come across he'll be angry" Women need men to not always think in terms of sex as an end goal.Sometimes women want to be close without sex.As a husband it is your job to help her get there,and women need more time to get there.If they cannot then its time for counseling or medical reasons. But I dont think medical issues are the reason most of the time.

Most Christians would probably disagree,and I dont like to talk about anything too personal but my husband and I talked these issues out before we married after we were engaged.And therefore we didnt have awkward moments,there was no pressure on the honeymoon at all.We decided we had a lifetime together to enjoy each other and we were not going to put all the pressure on one night,or the first year of marriage.As we grew together and matured in our relationship that would change too. So we have no issues in that area.We're patient with each other and are learning each other as time passes.Its worked for us and I think it could work for others. Marriage is not a movie or a fairytale. It takes time to learn and mature together.Young couples dont get that kind of teaching and it should be taught,it would save a lot of marriages.

Beautifully stated, Kaylagirl.

 

[Jenizona]

I think its pretty rare that women dont have a willingness for sex.

Most men can get there quickly and leave just as quickly,Im good,Im done.

As a husband it is your job to help her get there,and women need more time to get there.

We decided we had a lifetime together to enjoy each other and we were not going to put all the pressure on one night,or the first year of marriage.

Beautifully stated, Kaylagirl! Personally, I'm a huge fan of sex. I won't go into detail because it would be inappropriate, but I can offer a few insights to the Original Poster as to what -might- be going on:

If a woman feels inhibited, she will push you away! If a woman is embarrassed and feels she can't tell you that you're doing something wrong, she will push you away! (Afraid to bruise the fragile male ego!)

If she feels she is an "inconvenience" to you sexually, she might not be as interested because now, sex becomes just about the male, and that makes it a LOT less fun for us females. (By the way, these are all famous reasons why women historically have learned to "fake" orgasms. So sad!)

The number one thing you can and MUST do is communicate, communicate, communicate! As I like to say, "Sex may not be perfect, but you have to keep working at it, and that, my friends, is a wonderful dilemma!"

 

[kaylagrl]

I must be one of the rare ones. I've never had a real willingness for sex. I've never really cared for it and truly could and do, live without it. My boyfriends were always very pushy and aggressive about it, so I usually just gave in just to get it over with so they would quit complaining about not getting any sex. Turns out that they all (except one) cheated around on me anyway, so obviously they WERE getting it.. Just not from me.. lol..

Some women do feel that way but you did say,as I noted,your boyfriends were pushy! So maybe you just find the mature man to lead you there instead of run ahead of you.Why did God make women mature faster then men anyway? Makes it harder to get on the same page.

 

[kaylagrl]

Beautifully stated, Kaylagirl! Personally, I'm a huge fan of sex. I won't go into detail because it would be inappropriate, but I can offer a few insights to the Original Poster as to what -might- be going on:

If a woman feels inhibited, she will push you away! If a woman is embarrassed and feels she can't tell you that you're doing something wrong, she will push you away! (Afraid to bruise the fragile male ego!)

If she feels she is an "inconvenience" to you sexually, she might not be as interested because now, sex becomes just about the male, and that makes it a LOT less fun for us females. (By the way, these are all famous reasons why women historically have learned to "fake" orgasms. So sad!)

The number one thing you can and MUST do is communicate, communicate, communicate! As I like to say, "Sex may not be perfect, but you have to keep working at it, and that, my friends, is a wonderful dilemma!"

Exactly! It takes a while to learn each others likes and dislikes but not everyone is able to voice that out loud.I think many women dont "get there" because men do not understand female arousal and basic function of their anatomy.There are good books,not nasty ones,but ones that can help people who are having this issue.My guess is the OP is young and ready to go and the wife needs more wooing.Men dont like it but some women need more than others.But it is worth the wait if you are patient.You can fulfill each others desires or you own.Trust me,two is better.

 

[believingseeker]

I understand the fine line and differences there are between men and wemon. Me and her have dated for seven years and my last post was out of anger she is the perfect woman.
She always puts me first takes care of me and sees me as I am. The only thing we ever argue is about the bedroom. I do see what you mean about her not liking her self. She is (not in my eyes) a larger woman and that makes her feel sad. I compliment her ( whistle to her, tell her she's sexy , always hugging her tell her she beautiful every chance I get ect.) But she doesn't believe it. We use to nvr have problems in the bed but bout three years ago she just lost all interest in it. Wich makes it even harder. Such a beautiful person and me always wanting as it is. I can't resist but that makes her mad if I ask or try to barter.
I'm very selfish when it come to this. And when she she says no it sends a lot threw my head. I usually try doing things for it bartering and nvr seems to add up enough. She also gets mad and says u shldnt do that just to get sex but BC u love me.
I gues what I'm trying to say is there a way to barter or ways to compliment her to make her feel good. Be I feel like I'm spinning my wheels.

 

[Jenizona]

Believing seeker, is it okay if I PM you on this? The stuff I have to say might be not good for public consumption lol. I'll try to be sensitive to your situation, and perhaps offer some insight into the female mind, if I can, even though I don't know your wifey!

Go ahead and PM me and let me know if that's okay! I've only been on this site about a week, but it's good to learn to use the PM, so now is as good a time as any!