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If you don't want to have sex with her now, what makes you think you'll want to have sex with her tomorrow or the next day? Look, the only difference between a good friendship (which is what you have) and a good relationship, is sex.
You find someone whose character you really like, but aren't sexually interested in? = friend.
You find someone whose character you really like, and who you are sexually interested in? = potential partner.
You find someone whose character you really like, and who you are sexually interested in, who is not sexually interested in you? = friendzoned.
You find someone whose character you really like, but aren't sexually interested in? = friend.
You find someone whose character you really like, and who you are sexually interested in? = potential partner.
You find someone whose character you really like, and who you are sexually interested in, who is not sexually interested in you? = friendzoned.
Um... Maybe this works for you... But I don't agree with this. At all.
And if a guy said to me, "I know I'm interested in you because I feel like having sex with you, and if I feel like having sex with someone, I know they're more than a friend."
Um... no. Just no. And I would run in the other direction.
I'm not saying sexual attraction isn't important (it's pretty essential if you're going to get married.)
But as a deciding factor that rules who you are or are not interested in? No way.
I personally believe romantic love encompasses A LOT more than just sexual interest. Sexual interest can also be just that, and not much else, and leads to its own set of heartbreaks.
And if a guy said to me, "I know I'm interested in you because I feel like having sex with you, and if I feel like having sex with someone, I know they're more than a friend."
Um... no. Just no. And I would run in the other direction.
I'm not saying sexual attraction isn't important (it's pretty essential if you're going to get married.)
But as a deciding factor that rules who you are or are not interested in? No way.
I personally believe romantic love encompasses A LOT more than just sexual interest. Sexual interest can also be just that, and not much else, and leads to its own set of heartbreaks.
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I don't think any rational man is gonna say those words to a woman. But no rational man is going to think he has a romantic future with someone he isn't sexually interested in, either. Tell me what a great relationship is, if not a fantastic friendship that also involves sexual attraction?
I never said dating and romance were about nothing other than sexual interest, but I did say dating and romance require sexual interest. You can't have "romantic love" without sexual attraction.
I never said dating and romance were about nothing other than sexual interest, but I did say dating and romance require sexual interest. You can't have "romantic love" without sexual attraction.
And I'm not saying sexual attraction isn't important. But my concerns with anyone who would put so much emphasis on it is this: things change.
It could be drastic, such as a spouse suffering severe injuries (from a military career, accident, etc.) or, more likely, it will be a change due to life taking its course.
Let's say you like this girl's character and, as you're saying, decide you actually do "like" her because of sexual attraction. What's going to happen in 10, 20, 30 years? People change. Looks change. Health changes. (Pregnancy--will you be attracted to her when she's 50 pounds heavier with your baby? Health--what happens if a spouse gets sick and can't or doesn't want to have sex?)
How will sexual attraction play out when she's 20 pounds heavier from bearing your children, and the guy has a paunch and can't physically have sex without the aid of pills? And what if the pills don't work for him? How is sexual attraction going to carry the ups and downs (no pun intended) of that (assumed marriage) then?
If all you have going is sexual attraction and not much solid foundation to build on... whatever you do have is pretty much doomed from the start.
It could be drastic, such as a spouse suffering severe injuries (from a military career, accident, etc.) or, more likely, it will be a change due to life taking its course.
Let's say you like this girl's character and, as you're saying, decide you actually do "like" her because of sexual attraction. What's going to happen in 10, 20, 30 years? People change. Looks change. Health changes. (Pregnancy--will you be attracted to her when she's 50 pounds heavier with your baby? Health--what happens if a spouse gets sick and can't or doesn't want to have sex?)
How will sexual attraction play out when she's 20 pounds heavier from bearing your children, and the guy has a paunch and can't physically have sex without the aid of pills? And what if the pills don't work for him? How is sexual attraction going to carry the ups and downs (no pun intended) of that (assumed marriage) then?
If all you have going is sexual attraction and not much solid foundation to build on... whatever you do have is pretty much doomed from the start.
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Without reading other responses, this is my opinion.
If there is no attraction, there's no attraction. Attraction just isn't about physical appearance...but there's something about that person that draws you to them. Maybe it's the way they seek after God's heart, maybe it's the way they treat others, maybe it's the way they make you laugh, etc. For example, I have a male friend who's extremely attractive (Haha, sorry. Just saying). When him and I first met, we did get along really well. So, we tried going on a date. Let's just say, there was nothing more than physical attraction between us. We goofed around, we got along, and we were physically attracted to each other, but....nothing came from it. We didn't just sit there and force it to happen, we just let it go and moved on as friends.
Romance isn't for every woman you meet. Don't awaken love when it's not ready to be awaken. Song of Solomon 2:7. People tend to push the envelope. "Oh, but we get along SO well! We have all these things in common. They're attractive. I'm attracive. I mean, c'mon. Match made in heaven." Nope. Sometimes, you walk away with just a really good friendship. Mark (the guy I mentioned earlier) and I are really close. We had all these similaries, and we love goofing around but yet, having seroous conversations. And we walked away, having a really good friendship! I aboslutely love the fact he's in my life.
It is important to know how to treat the opposite gender and how to build a healthy friendship with them, even if there are no romantic feelings. It is good to ask yourself, "Why am I talking to this woman like this? Do I have feelings for her? Do I see her just as a friend?" Check the motives and that affections of your heart. Examine why you're talking to her. Are you hoping to have a relationship with her just because you're lonely? Love when you're ready, not when you're lonely.
I hope this explains what my heart is trying to convey....
If there is no attraction, there's no attraction. Attraction just isn't about physical appearance...but there's something about that person that draws you to them. Maybe it's the way they seek after God's heart, maybe it's the way they treat others, maybe it's the way they make you laugh, etc. For example, I have a male friend who's extremely attractive (Haha, sorry. Just saying). When him and I first met, we did get along really well. So, we tried going on a date. Let's just say, there was nothing more than physical attraction between us. We goofed around, we got along, and we were physically attracted to each other, but....nothing came from it. We didn't just sit there and force it to happen, we just let it go and moved on as friends.
Romance isn't for every woman you meet. Don't awaken love when it's not ready to be awaken. Song of Solomon 2:7. People tend to push the envelope. "Oh, but we get along SO well! We have all these things in common. They're attractive. I'm attracive. I mean, c'mon. Match made in heaven." Nope. Sometimes, you walk away with just a really good friendship. Mark (the guy I mentioned earlier) and I are really close. We had all these similaries, and we love goofing around but yet, having seroous conversations. And we walked away, having a really good friendship! I aboslutely love the fact he's in my life.
It is important to know how to treat the opposite gender and how to build a healthy friendship with them, even if there are no romantic feelings. It is good to ask yourself, "Why am I talking to this woman like this? Do I have feelings for her? Do I see her just as a friend?" Check the motives and that affections of your heart. Examine why you're talking to her. Are you hoping to have a relationship with her just because you're lonely? Love when you're ready, not when you're lonely.
I hope this explains what my heart is trying to convey....
For the original poster:
* I had mentors in my old church who were from India and had an arranged marriage, so they didn't choose each other, their parents chose for them. They said they grew to love each other.
* I went to Christian schools K-12 and had a teacher who married his best friend from college. It was said (the things kids hear when grownups don't think they're listening) that they had had an agreement that if they both reached a certain age and weren't married, they'd marry each other, because they figured their faith and being best friends was enough to build on. Unfortunately, the marriage didn't last long. They were divorced in under 2 years.
* I had a friend in high school who told me the same thing: "We could marry each other someday, because at least we're best friends." We didn't wind up marrying each other and eventually lost contact; I think this was for the best. We got along great as friends, but had completely different styles and philosophies of living.
I used to be someone who either "liked" a guy romantically right away (and no, it wasn't because of sex, it was more a of, "I really want to spend more time with this guy... because I want to know everything about him... and I just really like being with him") or else just liked a guy as a friend right away. I never had an instance in which a friendship turned romantic.
Now that I'm older, I could now see meeting someone and not falling in love until some time (and a lot of life issues) had passed. I personally think that seeing how someone handles something can really affect your feelings for them. I was good friends with a guy during a rough patch of my life in which someone passed away, along with several other challenges,, and he was extremely supportive and encouraging (but he eventually went on to marry someone else though and we lost touch.)
I truly believe it's possible to fall in love over time, but I don't believe we can make ourselves feel something we don't. That's just my own thoughts though. I definitely believe it can be different for everyone.
I hope things work out for you! Please keep us posted as to how this goes.
* I had mentors in my old church who were from India and had an arranged marriage, so they didn't choose each other, their parents chose for them. They said they grew to love each other.
* I went to Christian schools K-12 and had a teacher who married his best friend from college. It was said (the things kids hear when grownups don't think they're listening) that they had had an agreement that if they both reached a certain age and weren't married, they'd marry each other, because they figured their faith and being best friends was enough to build on. Unfortunately, the marriage didn't last long. They were divorced in under 2 years.
* I had a friend in high school who told me the same thing: "We could marry each other someday, because at least we're best friends." We didn't wind up marrying each other and eventually lost contact; I think this was for the best. We got along great as friends, but had completely different styles and philosophies of living.
I used to be someone who either "liked" a guy romantically right away (and no, it wasn't because of sex, it was more a of, "I really want to spend more time with this guy... because I want to know everything about him... and I just really like being with him") or else just liked a guy as a friend right away. I never had an instance in which a friendship turned romantic.
Now that I'm older, I could now see meeting someone and not falling in love until some time (and a lot of life issues) had passed. I personally think that seeing how someone handles something can really affect your feelings for them. I was good friends with a guy during a rough patch of my life in which someone passed away, along with several other challenges,, and he was extremely supportive and encouraging (but he eventually went on to marry someone else though and we lost touch.)
I truly believe it's possible to fall in love over time, but I don't believe we can make ourselves feel something we don't. That's just my own thoughts though. I definitely believe it can be different for everyone.
I hope things work out for you! Please keep us posted as to how this goes.
I don't know what's going to happen in 10, 20, or 30 years. She could die. I could die. I could get shipped out in some proxy war after being conscripted to my government. Aliens might invade the Earth. Nobody can predict the future, but you cross that bridge when you come to it.
Sexual attraction isn't the be all and end all, and I never said it was. But it's vital for a sexual relationship. If you stop having sex, you're relationship isn't sexual anymore, is it? And maybe that would be okay. Because like I said, there's more to attraction than sex, and sex isn't the be all and end all of romance. I can be attracted to someone's voice. I can be attracted to someone's smell. I can be attracted to someone's wits, someone's mannerisms, someone's passions.
If I met a woman whose character and mannerisms and wits I loved, and I was sexually attracted to her, that'd probably never change. If she gained twenty pounds, so what? But I'm not going to start a romantic relationship with someone I'm not sexually attracted to. Why would I?
Again, it's not all about sexual attraction, and it's not even all about looks. But again again, I wouldn't date someone I wasn't sexually interested in.
Sexual attraction isn't the be all and end all, and I never said it was. But it's vital for a sexual relationship. If you stop having sex, you're relationship isn't sexual anymore, is it? And maybe that would be okay. Because like I said, there's more to attraction than sex, and sex isn't the be all and end all of romance. I can be attracted to someone's voice. I can be attracted to someone's smell. I can be attracted to someone's wits, someone's mannerisms, someone's passions.
If I met a woman whose character and mannerisms and wits I loved, and I was sexually attracted to her, that'd probably never change. If she gained twenty pounds, so what? But I'm not going to start a romantic relationship with someone I'm not sexually attracted to. Why would I?
Again, it's not all about sexual attraction, and it's not even all about looks. But again again, I wouldn't date someone I wasn't sexually interested in.
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Maybe it's a difference between men and women. (Maybe others can clarify better than I seem to be doing here.)
Although I'm not meaning to stereotype anyone here, and I do realize individuals think differently.
From the first post you made here (post #22), I'm assuming that by "sexual attraction", you're meaning that if you feel you'd want to have sex with a woman, you'd consider her a potential date.
I'll just speak for myself here, but I guess I think a little differently. If I'm considering dating him, I'm not thinking, "Yeah, I could see myself having sex with him." I understand sex is a big deal and that most men will probably say sex is a big deal (I mean that as fact and not a stereotype), but... in the context of Christianity...
Maybe I'm just a big prude. Because as I said, at that point I'm not thinking about sex because if we're both Christians, sex isn't going to happen, especially when we're first getting to know each other. I guess... Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable with the thought of a guy deciding that yes, I'd be dating material because "I could definitely picture having sex with her!!!"
I understand what you're saying. But I just see it as being disrespectful to both parties. I guess... In my prayers over finding someone... How would that fit in? "Lord, please send me someone I'm totally attracted to and most definitely know off the bat that I could see myself having sex with that person!"
I just don't want to reduce a man's dating worthiness as to whether or not I can picture things I shouldn't be picturing in the first place--it seems terribly disrespectful to him as a son of God, and I would feel disrespected if that's what made him decide he wanted to date me as well. (I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling here, but I'm trying.)
Although I'm not meaning to stereotype anyone here, and I do realize individuals think differently.
From the first post you made here (post #22), I'm assuming that by "sexual attraction", you're meaning that if you feel you'd want to have sex with a woman, you'd consider her a potential date.
I'll just speak for myself here, but I guess I think a little differently. If I'm considering dating him, I'm not thinking, "Yeah, I could see myself having sex with him." I understand sex is a big deal and that most men will probably say sex is a big deal (I mean that as fact and not a stereotype), but... in the context of Christianity...
Maybe I'm just a big prude. Because as I said, at that point I'm not thinking about sex because if we're both Christians, sex isn't going to happen, especially when we're first getting to know each other. I guess... Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable with the thought of a guy deciding that yes, I'd be dating material because "I could definitely picture having sex with her!!!"
I understand what you're saying. But I just see it as being disrespectful to both parties. I guess... In my prayers over finding someone... How would that fit in? "Lord, please send me someone I'm totally attracted to and most definitely know off the bat that I could see myself having sex with that person!"
I just don't want to reduce a man's dating worthiness as to whether or not I can picture things I shouldn't be picturing in the first place--it seems terribly disrespectful to him as a son of God, and I would feel disrespected if that's what made him decide he wanted to date me as well. (I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling here, but I'm trying.)
Maybe it's a difference between men and women. (Maybe others can clarify better than I seem to be doing here.)
Although I'm not meaning to stereotype anyone here, and I do realize individuals think differently.
From the first post you made here (post #22), I'm assuming that by "sexual attraction", you're meaning that if you feel you'd want to have sex with a woman, you'd consider her a potential date.
I'll just speak for myself here, but I guess I think a little differently. If I'm considering dating him, I'm not thinking, "Yeah, I could see myself having sex with him." I understand sex is a big deal and that most men will probably say sex is a big deal (I mean that as fact and not a stereotype), but... in the context of Christianity...
Maybe I'm just a big prude. Because as I said, at that point I'm not thinking about sex because if we're both Christians, sex isn't going to happen, especially when we're first getting to know each other. I guess... Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable with the thought of a guy deciding that yes, I'd be dating material because "I could definitely picture having sex with her!!!"
I understand what you're saying. But I just see it as being disrespectful to both parties. I guess... In my prayers over finding someone... How would that fit in? "Lord, please send me someone I'm totally attracted to and most definitely know off the bat that I could see myself having sex with that person!"
I just don't want to reduce a man's dating worthiness as to whether or not I can picture things I shouldn't be picturing in the first place--it seems terribly disrespectful to him as a son of God, and I would feel disrespected if that's what made him decide he wanted to date me as well. (I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling here, but I'm trying.)
Although I'm not meaning to stereotype anyone here, and I do realize individuals think differently.
From the first post you made here (post #22), I'm assuming that by "sexual attraction", you're meaning that if you feel you'd want to have sex with a woman, you'd consider her a potential date.
I'll just speak for myself here, but I guess I think a little differently. If I'm considering dating him, I'm not thinking, "Yeah, I could see myself having sex with him." I understand sex is a big deal and that most men will probably say sex is a big deal (I mean that as fact and not a stereotype), but... in the context of Christianity...
Maybe I'm just a big prude. Because as I said, at that point I'm not thinking about sex because if we're both Christians, sex isn't going to happen, especially when we're first getting to know each other. I guess... Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable with the thought of a guy deciding that yes, I'd be dating material because "I could definitely picture having sex with her!!!"
I understand what you're saying. But I just see it as being disrespectful to both parties. I guess... In my prayers over finding someone... How would that fit in? "Lord, please send me someone I'm totally attracted to and most definitely know off the bat that I could see myself having sex with that person!"
I just don't want to reduce a man's dating worthiness as to whether or not I can picture things I shouldn't be picturing in the first place--it seems terribly disrespectful to him as a son of God, and I would feel disrespected if that's what made him decide he wanted to date me as well. (I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling here, but I'm trying.)
We all have hormones, a desire to find a partner, a biological clock. We also all have our own likes, dislikes, interests, senses of humour, feelings, thoughts, whatever. It's not about sex, so much as it's about compatibility. If I find a woman I'm interested in, I'm gonna be interested in her in a mix of different ways. I'm gonna be mentally into her, emotionally into her, and physically into her. There are very few people I've ever met who could get into an intimate relationship with someone they didn't find sexually attractive. Very few, indeed.
Analytical kids? …..Did someone call me
Let's see…. first off I'm not sure there is a should or shouldn't when it comes to if you want to make a great friendship something more. My mentality and experience is that as I get closer to a friend, the desire to be around them and spend more time with them and share more grows. But if it was someone I'd known most of my life and I felt strong admiration, but had never felt attraction, I'm not sure I'd try to make it happen. A lot of this may depend upon your expectations and ideas about marriage as well. If you view marriage as more of a business partnership and set of relational responsibilities this probably won't be such a big deal. If you have high ideas of romance and perpetual emotional closeness in marriage, well you could have serious issues if such emotions don't develop.
Sounds like one question it would be good to ask yourself about this situation though is how will either of you starting to date someone or getting married affect this friendship. If you start dating someone else, and that woman feels threatened or insecure by how close you are to this gal and wants you to give up or back off on the friendship, which woman is going to win out? Ultimately, if you are so close to your friend that you can't imagine at least backing off on the friendship when you get into a relationship, that is likely to be a challenge to you dating anyone else.
On the flip side, if I ever found myself in the situation of a guy who was just a friend did develop romantic interest in me but I didn't reciprocate those feelings, I think I'd owe it to him to be really honest about the fact that my feelings weren't there yet, but I'd be willing to give him a fair chance to win my heart though there was no guarantee of success and a good chance that all kinds of emotional crap and insecurity would get dredged up in the process. If he still wanted to try after that kind of warning, I'd think it only fair to let him. In the event of strong emotions and bad character: no, never, if I'm ever that stupid please someone knock me out and lock me up in a secure place until I am in my right mind again.
And this is why you're one of my favorite people seoul. And ditto to pretty much everything. Sex may be an important aspect of married life, but ideally you should be spending a whole lot more time with your spouse after marriage than time spent just having sex. And if that's a guy's first or primary motive for spending time with me, well I would feel belittled and objectified. Much better not to mention it until it's a desire to be close to ME, not just a desire for your own sexual pleasure or experience.
Let's see…. first off I'm not sure there is a should or shouldn't when it comes to if you want to make a great friendship something more. My mentality and experience is that as I get closer to a friend, the desire to be around them and spend more time with them and share more grows. But if it was someone I'd known most of my life and I felt strong admiration, but had never felt attraction, I'm not sure I'd try to make it happen. A lot of this may depend upon your expectations and ideas about marriage as well. If you view marriage as more of a business partnership and set of relational responsibilities this probably won't be such a big deal. If you have high ideas of romance and perpetual emotional closeness in marriage, well you could have serious issues if such emotions don't develop.
Sounds like one question it would be good to ask yourself about this situation though is how will either of you starting to date someone or getting married affect this friendship. If you start dating someone else, and that woman feels threatened or insecure by how close you are to this gal and wants you to give up or back off on the friendship, which woman is going to win out? Ultimately, if you are so close to your friend that you can't imagine at least backing off on the friendship when you get into a relationship, that is likely to be a challenge to you dating anyone else.
On the flip side, if I ever found myself in the situation of a guy who was just a friend did develop romantic interest in me but I didn't reciprocate those feelings, I think I'd owe it to him to be really honest about the fact that my feelings weren't there yet, but I'd be willing to give him a fair chance to win my heart though there was no guarantee of success and a good chance that all kinds of emotional crap and insecurity would get dredged up in the process. If he still wanted to try after that kind of warning, I'd think it only fair to let him. In the event of strong emotions and bad character: no, never, if I'm ever that stupid please someone knock me out and lock me up in a secure place until I am in my right mind again.
I'll just speak for myself here, but I guess I think a little differently. If I'm considering dating him, I'm not thinking, "Yeah, I could see myself having sex with him." I understand sex is a big deal and that most men will probably say sex is a big deal (I mean that as fact and not a stereotype), but... in the context of Christianity...
Maybe I'm just a big prude. Because as I said, at that point I'm not thinking about sex because if we're both Christians, sex isn't going to happen, especially when we're first getting to know each other. I guess... Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable with the thought of a guy deciding that yes, I'd be dating material because "I could definitely picture having sex with her!!!"
I understand what you're saying. But I just see it as being disrespectful to both parties. I guess... In my prayers over finding someone... How would that fit in? "Lord, please send me someone I'm totally attracted to and most definitely know off the bat that I could see myself having sex with that person!"
I just don't want to reduce a man's dating worthiness as to whether or not I can picture things I shouldn't be picturing in the first place--it seems terribly disrespectful to him as a son of God, and I would feel disrespected if that's what made him decide he wanted to date me as well. (I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling here, but I'm trying.)
Maybe I'm just a big prude. Because as I said, at that point I'm not thinking about sex because if we're both Christians, sex isn't going to happen, especially when we're first getting to know each other. I guess... Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable with the thought of a guy deciding that yes, I'd be dating material because "I could definitely picture having sex with her!!!"
I understand what you're saying. But I just see it as being disrespectful to both parties. I guess... In my prayers over finding someone... How would that fit in? "Lord, please send me someone I'm totally attracted to and most definitely know off the bat that I could see myself having sex with that person!"
I just don't want to reduce a man's dating worthiness as to whether or not I can picture things I shouldn't be picturing in the first place--it seems terribly disrespectful to him as a son of God, and I would feel disrespected if that's what made him decide he wanted to date me as well. (I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling here, but I'm trying.)
I think there is a certain level of mystery to attraction. Even Shakespeare wrote about this in several of his comedies--A Midsummer Night's Dream comes to mind. There is some mysterious kind of spark that creates romantic desire. There have been attempts to define or pin it down--it's pheromones, it's a genetic predisposition, it's acculturation, etc.--and yet no one has managed to satisfactorily explain it.
Also, it seems to me that women are more likely to "grow into" desire than men. (this is based on my limited experience. I'm sure there are exceptions). Most of the men I've known have had pretty visceral responses to the women they eventually married. Whether they acted on their immediate attraction or let it simmer for a time, they'll talk about feeling it right away. I've even known of men who've strategically positioned themselves in a woman's life based on this attraction. They'd develop a friendship and bid their time until she figured it out.
I know for me, attraction is something in addition to an appreciation for someone's character, appearance, etc. I've met men that on paper are seemingly "perfect" for me, but there was no romantic attraction, and none ever developed--just a great friendship with lots of simpatico. I've met other men for whom I felt an immediate and strong attraction, but who were completely inappropriate (in other words, they were lacking in essential character qualities)--and had to run like hades. I've also had the experience of being drawn to a man based on his fine character and developing a romantic attachment to him because of this.
Attraction is also a bit mysterious to me because it's based on so many intangibles. It's even beyond my personal preferences in regard to appearance. For example, I prefer men with dark eyes and dark hair; however, I've had the experience of being attracted to men with light hair and light eyes.
Personally, I think overanalyzing attraction makes interactions with men too transactional. (You don't meet my preferences...here's your "friendzone" sign). I prefer a level of mystery and an openness to the surprises of God in this area.
Also, it seems to me that women are more likely to "grow into" desire than men. (this is based on my limited experience. I'm sure there are exceptions). Most of the men I've known have had pretty visceral responses to the women they eventually married. Whether they acted on their immediate attraction or let it simmer for a time, they'll talk about feeling it right away. I've even known of men who've strategically positioned themselves in a woman's life based on this attraction. They'd develop a friendship and bid their time until she figured it out.
I know for me, attraction is something in addition to an appreciation for someone's character, appearance, etc. I've met men that on paper are seemingly "perfect" for me, but there was no romantic attraction, and none ever developed--just a great friendship with lots of simpatico. I've met other men for whom I felt an immediate and strong attraction, but who were completely inappropriate (in other words, they were lacking in essential character qualities)--and had to run like hades. I've also had the experience of being drawn to a man based on his fine character and developing a romantic attachment to him because of this.
Attraction is also a bit mysterious to me because it's based on so many intangibles. It's even beyond my personal preferences in regard to appearance. For example, I prefer men with dark eyes and dark hair; however, I've had the experience of being attracted to men with light hair and light eyes.
Personally, I think overanalyzing attraction makes interactions with men too transactional. (You don't meet my preferences...here's your "friendzone" sign). I prefer a level of mystery and an openness to the surprises of God in this area.
Well, Hmmm.... Loving someone is complicated, I think.
I met the man who became my husband online before that sort of thing was done and I fell for his mind and his heart which I got to know well through hours and hours and hours of conversations. We didn't share photos before we met in person because... frankly, that wasn't really a possibility at that time of the internet. (Yeah, I'm old. Hahahah)
When we met, he hugged me and I was a gonner. Over.The.Moon. He says the same was true for him.
Much later, like YEARS into our marriage we had a conversation that was honest and we talked about the fact that the other person wasn't who we'd have picked out of a crowded room had we met that way. Funny right?
My point is that the external can be not as important, if minds and hearts are well connected. For the record? To me he was one of the most attractive men I've ever met, despite his rather average looks (and MY rather average looks... which he called 'beautiful').
But everyone is different.
I met the man who became my husband online before that sort of thing was done and I fell for his mind and his heart which I got to know well through hours and hours and hours of conversations. We didn't share photos before we met in person because... frankly, that wasn't really a possibility at that time of the internet. (Yeah, I'm old. Hahahah)
When we met, he hugged me and I was a gonner. Over.The.Moon. He says the same was true for him.
Much later, like YEARS into our marriage we had a conversation that was honest and we talked about the fact that the other person wasn't who we'd have picked out of a crowded room had we met that way. Funny right?
My point is that the external can be not as important, if minds and hearts are well connected. For the record? To me he was one of the most attractive men I've ever met, despite his rather average looks (and MY rather average looks... which he called 'beautiful').
But everyone is different.
Okay...I'm going to take my shot here.
When I say I'm sexually attracted to a man it doesn't mean I've visualized having sex with him. (To be honest, I'm not much of a visual thinker. So, I'm not predisposed to engaging in involved fantasies in my head about this kind of stuff). What it means is I'm acknowledging a kind of "sparkiness" between us. And that's actually the term I use--sparky. I'll say to my best friend, "So our first date was sparky!" And she'll get what I mean.
Basically, he'll tilt my world a bit. You know, the whole giggly girlishness, butterflies in the belly, heart skipping a beat, instant reaction when he touches you....that kind of thing.
It's an acknowledgement that there's a special kind of physicality between us. That all my feminine sensors go on high alert in his presence.
It's a kind of sensitivity that makes a great prelude for sex, but it doesn't have to involve sex at all. It doesn't have to involve any kind of sex--no smooching necessary. For example, I once had a man on the first date brush my bangs back out of my eyes...and I got goosebumps. That's what I'm talking about!
Sometimes there's not even physical contact, but you know because you have a clear response to looking into this person's eyes, or hearing them say your name, or their scent, or their laugh.
That's what I mean when I talk about being sexually attracted. It's an attraction based on my feminine response to him as a man.
When I say I'm sexually attracted to a man it doesn't mean I've visualized having sex with him. (To be honest, I'm not much of a visual thinker. So, I'm not predisposed to engaging in involved fantasies in my head about this kind of stuff). What it means is I'm acknowledging a kind of "sparkiness" between us. And that's actually the term I use--sparky. I'll say to my best friend, "So our first date was sparky!" And she'll get what I mean.
Basically, he'll tilt my world a bit. You know, the whole giggly girlishness, butterflies in the belly, heart skipping a beat, instant reaction when he touches you....that kind of thing.
It's an acknowledgement that there's a special kind of physicality between us. That all my feminine sensors go on high alert in his presence.
It's a kind of sensitivity that makes a great prelude for sex, but it doesn't have to involve sex at all. It doesn't have to involve any kind of sex--no smooching necessary. For example, I once had a man on the first date brush my bangs back out of my eyes...and I got goosebumps. That's what I'm talking about!
Sometimes there's not even physical contact, but you know because you have a clear response to looking into this person's eyes, or hearing them say your name, or their scent, or their laugh.
That's what I mean when I talk about being sexually attracted. It's an attraction based on my feminine response to him as a man.
I, personally, don't believe certain people are more physically attractive than others. To me, that's like saying God favors certain people physically above others, when we know that's not true, because we're all His beautiful creations. Having said that, since we obviously aren't first attracted to someone's hearts, because we can't see a person's heart without speaking to them, physical appearances do unfortunately have some part. But once you start talking to the person, that's what determines if you're attracted to the person or not. Everyone is different in how they approach it. I, personally, don't think physical attraction matters, and you just learn to click with someone on a deeper level. Relationships are about serving God together, and learning to love each other over time. At least, that's what I've learned over time, so maybe I'm the only one that thinks this.
Since it's past the five minute mark and can't add to my initial post, I'll add to it with another and say that too often enough, men and women will push away a potential relationship God may have placed in front of them, all because the person doesn't feel "physically attracted" to the other. I think we should take it with God when it comes to potential relationships, because He knows better than we do, especially our "preferences."
