Where Are The Lines Between Gossip and Slander Vs. a Warning or Sharing Information?

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seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#1
May 23, 2009
16,432
5,379
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#1
Hey everyone,

This is something I've been thinking of a lot.

What are the boundaries between gossiping about other people... or warning those who might get hurt?

For example:

1. You have a friend who likes Person X. You have another friend who dated Person X, and Person X cheated on them. Do you say anything? (Does it matter how long ago it happened? For instance, what if this was last year vs. ten years ago?)

2. Someone online says they are very excited about talking to Person Y, and likes them a lot. But you happen to know that Person Y... is also talking to a lot of other people (whether in real life or online or both), and you're not sure if that person knows this. Do you say anything?

3. Someone wants to meet or help Person Z (and give them money... whether for personal reasons or for their ministry.) And it just so happens that Person Z has contacted you as well, telling you about their ministry or big problems. They might not be asking for anything directly, but there is a very obvious tone that this person is casting out lines... and it seems to be with the intent that they're hoping someone will indeed offer something eventually. Do you say anything to try to warn other potential victims?

I've found myself in these situations from just about every angle several times...

And I'm always left wondering...

Should I say something? Or would that be considered gossip/slander?

What have your experiences been, and how have you, or would you handle situations like this?
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#2
Aug 13, 2014
27,242
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#2
For me it always comes down to why am I saying what I'm saying? Is it to help a friend avoid trouble, or is it just because human nature likes to talk bad about people? I do have a human nature and for some reason I have never figured out it does seem to enjoy talking bad about people, something I have to continually watch.

Also I have to ask myself is the bad I am trying to avoid greater or less than the harm that would be caused by opening my big mouth. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#3
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
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#3
Gossip is when you talk about someone behind his/her back. Slander is when you're spreading false information. Both are wrong.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#4
May 23, 2009
16,432
5,379
113
#4
jsr1221 said:
Gossip is when you talk about someone behind his/her back. Slander is when you're spreading false information. Both are wrong.
Click to expand...
I certainly understand that these are wrong. But here are some of the reasons why I ask.

Several years ago I used to be in Singles chat quite often, and there was a certain gentleman I started to form a friendship with. Eventually, we exchanged numbers (which is rare for me to do), and had one phone conversation. I really enjoyed our talk, and when he said, "I'm really going to like talking to you," I thought we would continue to talk. He had called me that first time, but the second time, I called him, and he was very cold. Our conversation lasted less than 5 minutes (vs. something like 2 hours for that first conversation.)

It wasn't long afterwards that another girl in chat (without knowing I'd talked to him) told me to be careful because there was "this guy in chat who is trying to talk to (her and her friend) and basically any girl who will pay attention to him". When I asked his name... you can guess who it was. And, I would have passed the information on to any other girl I knew whom I was friends if she would have asked me and was wondering about this person as well.

Is it talking behind someone's back? Definitely. But will I choose to do it if I believe others need to know the truth to avoid having their feelings hurt and/or thinking that maybe this person likes them exclusively, when they are, in fact, talking to everyone else at the same time? Yes. I would definitely choose to say something.

Another example is when I see a girl here post about someone they're thinking of meeting and helping (in the form of giving money to their ministry) and the person they're talking about has contacted me as well for the same things. If I feel the person is in danger of becoming the victim of a scam, will I say something? Yes. Is it talking behind a person's back? Yes again.

So when I say my prayers at night, I guess I need to regularly ask forgiveness for gossiping. However, I also explain to God that I'm not going to sit silent and watch another person be taken in when I know I can do something about it. And so, I have to ask God for better ways to handle things... But I am generally not someone who chooses to say nothing in these types of situations.
 
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HoneyDew

HoneyDew

Senior Member
#5
Apr 30, 2011
2,333
375
83
#5
It depends on the info, motive and the person you are telling. Imparting info is one thing (example: Did you hear that Thomas was in the hospital, ?) , gossiping is another. ( I heard that Susan was meeting privately with the Co-Pastor for a laying on of hands, if you know what I mean.)

Some questions to consider about the information. Is it harmful? Is it substantiated? (can you support it with actual facts and not hearsay) Is this something that I heard secon or third hand?

I tend to lean toward minding my own business. Unless it is going to cause some one physical harm or financial ruin.
 
G

Galahad

Guest
#6
#6
seoulsearch said:
Hey everyone,

This is something I've been thinking of a lot.

What are the boundaries between gossiping about other people... or warning those who might get hurt?

For example:

1. You have a friend who likes Person X. You have another friend who dated Person X, and Person X cheated on them. Do you say anything? (Does it matter how long ago it happened? For instance, what if this was last year vs. ten years ago?)
Click to expand...
Since you are doubtful, I would suggest you advice your friend to ask questions to person X. Remind your friend to learn what she can before she commits.

Generally, it's not what you should do but what has person X done, said, behaved since his cheating. Any remorse? Any sign of changes? If person X is the same person as he was when he cheated, I'd be upfront with my friend.

Is that gossip. Gossip is empty chatter to merely blab the presence of conflict and trouble in the life of another person all for your own mind comfort.

Warning a friend about a cheater is not gossip.
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#7
Apr 18, 2013
9,526
2,608
113
#7
SHARING = When I'm talking about YOU.

GOSSIP = When you're talking about ME.


: )
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#8
May 23, 2009
16,432
5,379
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#8
I'm pretty sure that most everyone who posts here will know what gossip and slander are, so while I do realize it's important to define them, I'm not looking for repetitions of what gossip is.

What I'm looking for, rather that definitions, are situations in which you yourself are wondering if the lines are being crossed, and when/if/why you would cross them.

Definitions are almost always black and white.

For those of you who are familiar with my threads, black and white isn't my thing.

I'm always the one who's going to ask about the gray (I realize this is a matter of interpretation... what I call gray, others will call black or white, and that's part of what I'm interested in discussing here.)
 
HoneyDew

HoneyDew

Senior Member
#9
Apr 30, 2011
2,333
375
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#9
So you asked a question and then tell people how to answer it. If is up to interpretation isn't it best to lay out what one considers black white or gray? Which is what I see people doing here. Forgive me if I am wrong.
 
M

MissCris

Guest
#10
#10
If I find myself in a position of knowing a fact about a person who is in a position to harm another person, I think withholding that fact is worse than sharing it with the person who stands to be hurt.

Gossip is a thing God has been dealing with me about- though I don't set out to talk about anyone behind their back, it can be so easy to cross that line, particularly when talking to family about other family members.

But, having given a few people warnings about someone else...I've felt crappy that I was the bearer of bad news, but I've never felt like God was convicting me over it.
 
H

Hellooo

Guest
#11
#11
Great question! Will share thoughts when I'm not limited to phone access, but I also see a lot of gray area in trying to warn potential victims
 
G

Galahad

Guest
#12
#12
seoulsearch said:
I'm pretty sure that most everyone who posts here will know what gossip and slander are, so while I do realize it's important to define them, I'm not looking for repetitions of what gossip is.

What I'm looking for, rather that definitions, are situations in which you yourself are wondering if the lines are being crossed, and when/if/why you would cross them.

Definitions are almost always black and white.

For those of you who are familiar with my threads, black and white isn't my thing.

I'm always the one who's going to ask about the gray (I realize this is a matter of interpretation... what I call gray, others will call black or white, and that's part of what I'm interested in discussing here.)
Click to expand...

Just remember, with truth, there are no gray areas. It's we who don't know. Truth is absolute. I was once as you were. Always looking for the gray areas. Why? Because that seemed to me to be the way to get or understand the truth more than just the black and white.

The gray areas usually come down to the unseen. Heart. Intent. Motive.

In relation to your first question,
There is no gray area. I don't see it.

If Person X remains a cheater, you go to Person X and try to help or teach him. If he is a nonbeliever and won't accept your word, you warn your friend.
If Person X is not now known to be a cheater, you have a right to speak to your friend and talk to him before you talk to your friend.
If Person X was a cheater, but has changed, your friend ought to be wise enough to know what to ask and learn what she can about Person X. But she should not get that info from you.
If Person X cheated 2 months ago and has changed, is remorseful, cried, etc. Again, you have the "go to thy brother alone" option. Help him. Encourage him to be honest with what he's done if he's asked.

If you want to focus on your friend. You give her advice. Not mentioning Person X's name. Advice her to not to jump into relationships. To observe. To take note of a person's character, demeanor, manners. Etc.

Just so many variables to consider.

Keep information private as much as possible. But warn when there needs to be.

Hope this helps.
 
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seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#13
May 23, 2009
16,432
5,379
113
#13
HoneyDew said:
So you asked a question and then tell people how to answer it. If is up to interpretation isn't it best to lay out what one considers black white or gray? Which is what I see people doing here. Forgive me if I am wrong.
Click to expand...
I understand what you're saying.

All I'm saying is, giving the definition of gossip wasn't what I meant to be the main topic of the discussion in this post. And yes, as I said, what some will call gray, others will call black and white, and vice versa.

For me, the question is similar to what MissCris pointed out, "If I know something about someone that could harm other people and another person is potentially going to be harmed by that person, should I say anything? Or should I just stay silent because it would be seen as gossip?"

Perhaps I failed in being able to accurately pinpoint and communicate the exact topic I was hoping to discuss here.

But I definitely understand that there will be varying interpretations, which is another angle of the discussion.
 
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jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#14
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#14
seoulsearch said:
I certainly understand that these are wrong. But here are some of the reasons why I ask.

Several years ago I used to be in Singles chat quite often, and there was a certain gentleman I started to form a friendship with. Eventually, we exchanged numbers (which is rare for me to do), and had one phone conversation. I really enjoyed our talk, and when he said, "I'm really going to like talking to you," I thought we would continue to talk. He had called me that first time, but the second time, I called him, and he was very cold. Our conversation lasted less than 5 minutes (vs. something like 2 hours for that first conversation.)

It wasn't long afterwards that another girl in chat (without knowing I'd talked to him) told me to be careful because there was "this guy in chat who is trying to talk to (her and her friend) and basically any girl who will pay attention to him". When I asked his name... you can guess who it was. And, I would have passed the information on to any other girl I knew whom I was friends if she would have asked me and was wondering about this person as well.

Is it talking behind someone's back? Definitely. But will I choose to do it if I believe others need to know the truth to avoid having their feelings hurt and/or thinking that maybe this person likes them exclusively, when they are, in fact, talking to everyone else at the same time? Yes. I would definitely choose to say something.

Another example is when I see a girl here post about someone they're thinking of meeting and helping (in the form of giving money to their ministry) and the person they're talking about has contacted me as well for the same things. If I feel the person is in danger of becoming the victim of a scam, will I say something? Yes. Is it talking behind a person's back? Yes again.

So when I say my prayers at night, I guess I need to regularly ask forgiveness for gossiping. However, I also explain to God that I'm not going to sit silent and watch another person be taken in when I know I can do something about it. And so, I have to ask God for better ways to handle things... But I am generally not someone who chooses to say nothing in these types of situations.
Click to expand...
When you're reaching out to someone to help, it's different. It's the same as telling an actual sister "Hey. Those people are bad news.. I don't think you should hang out with them." One person on here was hitting on someone 20 years younger... The person that was being hit on had a right to know it was happening. Sometimes, you have to reach out to help someone.
 
HoneyDew

HoneyDew

Senior Member
#15
Apr 30, 2011
2,333
375
83
#15
seoulsearch said:
I understand what you're saying.

All I'm saying is, giving the definition of gossip wasn't what I meant to be the main topic of the discussion in this post. And yes, as I said, what some will call gray, others will call black and white, and vice versa.

For me, the question is similar to what MissCris pointed out, "If I know something about someone that could harm other people and another person is potentially going to be harmed by that person, should I say anything? Or should I just stay silent because it would be seen as gossip?"

Perhaps I failed in being able to accurately pinpoint and communicate the exact topic I was hoping to discuss here.

But I definitely understand that there will be varying interpretations, which is another angle of the discussion.
Click to expand...
I think me saying I would mind my own business unless it will cause physical harm or financial ruin/hardship was due to a situation that I went through.

Years ago a friend whom I had known since we were 14 ( we were in our 20's at the time) were dating brothers. Well she gave me some info about the brother that helped me. Well down the road I found out that my friend was not THE girlfriend as she thought but the side girl. He had a girlfriend that he had been dating since high school.

Well to make a long story short she ended up mad with me, believed everything that he said and we almost came to blows. We didn't talk for 2 years. She eventually found out the truth though. After that I promised myself that I would mind my own business about things from here on out.
 
Olerica

Olerica

Banned
#16
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
0
#16
I was warned off on someone when I was newer, and that warning bore out... the person is as described. I'd been warned off about another person, and this person isn't - or hasn't proven themselves to be as described. I think we should give room for growth in a person who has not previously behaved as they should have...

Whenever I'm given a warning, I look at it as a piece of information I hadn't had previously, but it is only part of the puzzle. Someone else's experience is not always my own. Keep that in mind for both the giving and receiving information. :) And pray for discernment!
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#17
May 23, 2009
16,432
5,379
113
#17
HoneyDew said:
I think me saying I would mind my own business unless it will cause physical harm or financial ruin/hardship was due to a situation that I went through.

Years ago a friend whom I had known since we were 14 ( we were in our 20's at the time) were dating brothers. Well she gave me some info about the brother that helped me. Well down the road I found out that my friend was not THE girlfriend as she thought but the side girl. He had a girlfriend that he had been dating since high school.

Well to make a long story short she ended up mad with me, believed everything that he said and we almost came to blows. We didn't talk for 2 years. She eventually found out the truth though. After that I promised myself that I would mind my own business about things from here on out.
Click to expand...
I totally understand and I'm sorry you went through this.

People will probably find this hard to believe :) but in a lot of things, I choose not to get involved as well, depending on what it is. I had one situation in which, very much like you, a friend stopped talking to me for a long time, too, so I know it's really hard when that happens.

For whatever reasons, I've often found myself in a situation where I knew something, generally about a guy who was seeing or talking to more than one person, and I've often fought with myself over whether or not I should say something to the next girl they were talking to. (And, I'm not at all trying to say that this only happens with guys... Of course it can happen with girls as well. If I knew a girl who was leading on several guys... I'd fight with myself over the same thing, too.)

Olerica, just saw your post--great advice on leaving room for the benefit of the doubt... and most especially, for prayer!
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#18
May 23, 2009
16,432
5,379
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#18
Olerica said:
I was warned off on someone when I was newer, and that warning bore out... the person is as described. I'd been warned off about another person, and this person isn't - or hasn't proven themselves to be as described. I think we should give room for growth in a person who has not previously behaved as they should have...

Whenever I'm given a warning, I look at it as a piece of information I hadn't had previously, but it is only part of the puzzle. Someone else's experience is not always my own. Keep that in mind for both the giving and receiving information. :) And pray for discernment!
Click to expand...

This brings up an excellent point... Sometimes a "warning" about another person can also be rooted in someone who is angry at that person for whatever reason, and are speaking from a very bitter point of view (and they could definitely have a good reason...)

But it's also possible that it was a misinterpretation, misunderstanding, or rejection that the other person isn't taking well.
 
Olerica

Olerica

Banned
#19
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
0
#19
I think we have to be very aware of our motivations in warning people. Because sometimes it's just not a good personality mesh, or that there was some misunderstanding or (the worst) there is unresolved conflict.

We can only be responsible for our own actions and reactions, I think. :)
 
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