Perspectives on "moving on"?

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Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#1
Jun 30, 2015
25,791
13,949
113
#1
Hi All,
As I await the finalization of my divorce (the split was over two years ago), I am pondering 'what next?'. In the last few weeks, I have heard first-hand testimony from people who moved on to new relationships quite quickly after being divorced or widowed. Something about the stories bothers me, but I'm not sure I can identify what.

My life is pretty full presently, but there are odd moments when I consciously miss the company of a special someone. My ex has moved on and started a new relationship. Part of me wants to get angry about that but there's no point, and that's not the kind of person I want to be. All I know is that I am not yet ready. Although I notice, I wouldn't say I'm looking. At this point I feel uncomfortable with anything more than smiling and saying a friendly-but-neutral 'Hi'.

So I'm asking for your stories... if you have been divorced, or have lost a spouse to death, what was your experience of the time between the loss and starting again, or knowing you were ready to start looking again? What did "knowing you're ready" look and feel like for you? I'm not looking for scriptural quotes about re-marriage unless they are part of your story (if I wanted admonition and guilt-shaming, I would post in the Bicker and Debate Forum).
 
Olerica

Olerica

Banned
#2
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
0
#2
Well, yeah. I can identify with this. Though parts of me are SO READY to be involved with someone... and have been for about a year and a half, I've not had much interest and I guess... I guess it's clear that I've not really been ready. I'm now 3.5 years since being widowed.

I think I could have been involved with someone much earlier, but the kind of men who were attracted to me were unavailable emotionally. I think that we attract people to us who are in a similar state; spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

I know everyone says that this time is a great time to get wholly committed in the pursuit of God, and I have to say that I agree. While I love being married, and the idea of being involved with another man again, I'm (for the most part) content where I am. And when I'm not? I try to take that to HIM to fix. :)

When I am attracting to me a man who is chasing after God and who wants to really get to know me with the intent of creating a future with me - and with whom being myself is easy as it is for him to be with me, I guess that's when I know I'll be ready. Until that time, I'm going to enjoy the people who God puts in my path, building various levels of friendship and people I can minister to/with... and keep seeking God (which I don't ever want to stop doing). It sure is fun meeting men here on CC who I admire and enjoy.... who knows, something may come of it. ;)
 
S

shotgunner

Guest
#3
#3
Dear brother,
The best advice I can give you is to make yourself whole again before you seek to unite with someone else again. Divorce is like tearing a person in half. It creates so much loss and pain that it takes time and God to heal. Too many people quickly look to someone else to fill that hole created by divorce. This creates unreal expectations that cannot be met by the new spouse.

Make yourself whole again. You have been two people for so long that you need to spend time getting to know yourself again. Get comfortable being alone. Let God fill that void that divorce has caused. Then you can go into a new relationship a whole person, contributing rather than needing. You will be able to look at a potential spouse and see all that she is rather than just what you need.

God bless.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#4
Feb 21, 2014
70,939
9,691
113
#4
Dino246 said:
Hi All,
As I await the finalization of my divorce (the split was over two years ago), I am pondering 'what next?'. In the last few weeks, I have heard first-hand testimony from people who moved on to new relationships quite quickly after being divorced or widowed. Something about the stories bothers me, but I'm not sure I can identify what.

My life is pretty full presently, but there are odd moments when I consciously miss the company of a special someone. My ex has moved on and started a new relationship. Part of me wants to get angry about that but there's no point, and that's not the kind of person I want to be. All I know is that I am not yet ready. Although I notice, I wouldn't say I'm looking. At this point I feel uncomfortable with anything more than smiling and saying a friendly-but-neutral 'Hi'.

So I'm asking for your stories... if you have been divorced, or have lost a spouse to death, what was your experience of the time between the loss and starting again, or knowing you were ready to start looking again? What did "knowing you're ready" look and feel like for you? I'm not looking for scriptural quotes about re-marriage unless they are part of your story (if I wanted admonition and guilt-shaming,I would post in the Bicker and Debate Forum.


​This (in red) made me laugh sooo much I just about fell out of my seat..lol.. :eek: Bicker and Debate forum..love it and it's quite accurate..lol.. :)
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NewWine

Guest
#5
#5
I like this post. It's so rare that people actually seek council after divorce to see how others handle the aftermath, that it's actually refreshing to see someone not ready to jump right back on the saddle, and willing to wait and heal first. not having ever been divorced or widowed, I can't offer advice, other than to say you're in my prayers, and in this woman's opinion, healing is the best thing you can do for yourself and your future relationship(s).
I agree with lady blue that the last line made me almost spit my coffee from laughing!!
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#6
#6
1) Be sure you are truly RELEASED from your marriage by GOD. I am not saying you aren't, and mostly assume you ARE, but it is a public forum and so I am including this admonishment. If you have carefully filtered your situation thru the truth of the word and are free to marry... than you are FREE.

2) Because You are the man and it is your responsibility to be the HEAD... please spend some time working on yours before entertaining any new relationship.... via the WORD.

3) when you decide to move forward... BE FAIR!!!! you are 45, not 15 and the women in your age group have been deeply hurt too. I don't know very many mature women who even LIKE dating but realize it is required to get to know someone in order to decide if they are someone you would marry. Please consider NOT dating at all until you are ready to seek a wife.... then prayerfully look for her. Please do not be one of those "Christian men" to serial date woman after woman and have no real intention of marrying "right now"... those guys are selfish and are hurting women over and over... please don't do that!!!

4) Please remember... you are the "good guy" and even tho there are "bad women" out there... the Christian women are waiting and praying FOR YOU... but they may have been trodden upon by one of those guys mentioned above before you showed up... so be PATIENT while you are being honest and transparent. :)
 
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sassylady

Guest
#7
#7
Eleven years ago I found out my husband of 25 years had been molesting our daughters, who were 9 at the time (twins). The divorce was final just before he was sentenced.

It has been a long 11 years, and I started dating immediately after the divorce. A string of so-called Christian men that were frankly just awful. Not saying all men are. I was just trying to fill a hole; more than half my life had been with one man and now I had nobody. I should have been building a relationship with the Lord instead, a dependence I had never had to have till I was single.

I've been through many stages of grief and anger too numerous to go into here, but just this year realized if I did meet somebody, I would not be looking for all the bad I've experienced when I dated; I wouldn't be comparing him to other men or my ex. I'm content to be single, and can accept meeting somebody if the Lord has a man for me.
 
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Stand_Strong

Guest
#8
#8
Even without knowing the reasons behind your divorce, I would still advise you to find out what went wrong in your first marriage. Work on you, and make changes to the actions and behaviors that contributed to the demise of your marriage. It always takes two people to create an unsatisfying marriage. Commit yourself to personal change, and you'll be a different man on the other side of this. Then, you'll be that much more prepared for the next relationship. But take it slow and choose wisely. Hang in there my friend.
 
MessengerAddis

MessengerAddis

Banned
#9
Jun 26, 2015
7
0
0
#9
Stand_Strong said:
Even without knowing the reasons behind your divorce, I would still advise you to find out what went wrong in your first marriage. Work on you, and make changes to the actions and behaviors that contributed to the demise of your marriage. It always takes two people to create an unsatisfying marriage. Commit yourself to personal change, and you'll be a different man on the other side of this. Then, you'll be that much more prepared for the next relationship. But take it slow and choose wisely. Hang in there my friend.
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I agree with Stand_Strong. First, you have to find out what had been wrong with your ex-marriage.

And then, you have to ask yourself, "do I know what's love better now?"
Did you truly love your ex-wife? And why did the feelings change? Could it happen again the second time you meet someone else? What are the qualities in a girl that you can't accept now? What does love mean to you now?

And then, when you meet a special someone, ask yourself if you truly "love" her, like you can accept all sides of her. Then, try to be friends with her to test out the feelings. Imagine a life with her, and if you could play out an ordinary life with her in your mind, spending common everydays with her and feeling comfortable, then that might be the person.

I don't know much, just talking from my experience. But seek out the signs that God may give you when you're ready, like you may feel "settled" with someone that you probably didn't experience with your ex-wife.

God bless~~~
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#10
May 23, 2009
16,786
5,695
113
#10
Hi Dino,

I'm sorry you're going through this and rest assured, you are not alone. Many of us can relate to what you're going through, even if it's just in bits and pieces.

I think the answers for everyone are different but I do believe that a recovery period is definitely necessary, and that it will look different for everyone.

I've heard that the current divorce rate is 50% (whether Christian or not), but that the divorce rate for remarriages is twice that of first marriages. To me, this means that many people rush into filling the void rather than finding out what was broken and needed to be fixed before getting into another serious commitment. I was divorced by age 25 because he had found someone else, and I was crushed/enraged/jealous as all tomorrow that he was riding off into the sunset with someone he was happy with and I didn't have anyone.

Oddly enough, one thing I learned is to NOT listen to well-meaning church members who told me I'd find someone within 2 years and that God was going to give me kids (at the time, I was into a church that was heavily into "prophecy"). None of this came true and so I've become leery of people who try to tell me "what God has for me." Rather, it's been a long process of taking it one day at a time, and many of those days were very hard.

My last relationship ended when I was 29 (I waited about a year after my divorce, then subsequently had 2 other long-term relationships) and am now 41, and am approaching 13 years of being single. I've dated some, but it never went past going to dinner. It's been a long, hard road (and I sympathize with the many others out there who are walking a similar path), but I know one thing that's kept me going personally is work, my family, friends, church involvement, and hobbies.

Looking back now, I know that if I would have "found someone" or gotten married within a few years of my divorce, I would have certainly been making a mistake, because I wasn't ready--even though I would have loved to have found someone immediately.

As you can see, many of us here can understand a lot of what you're going through. I hope you'll still keep talking to us about what's going on because another thing that helps is that we all seem to keep each other company.
 
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shotgunner

Guest
#11
#11
Stand_Strong said:
Even without knowing the reasons behind your divorce, I would still advise you to find out what went wrong in your first marriage. Work on you, and make changes to the actions and behaviors that contributed to the demise of your marriage. It always takes two people to create an unsatisfying marriage. Commit yourself to personal change, and you'll be a different man on the other side of this. Then, you'll be that much more prepared for the next relationship. But take it slow and choose wisely. Hang in there my friend.
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While I would agree with this in principal I would like to advise caution in this area. You certainly do not need to beat yourself up or anyone else over past sins. Yes, repent if needed but then forgive all involved including yourself. Also sometimes things just happen that are beyond your control. I guess all I'm saying is learn from mistakes certainly, but don't get bogged down in the past either.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#12
Jan 24, 2011
11,786
2,961
113
#12
Jumping into a new relationship too fast, without understanding the dynamics of the failed marriage is called "rebounding."

It means you will likely get yourself into the same or worse situation if you remarry quickly.

I just pray you will get some counseling, maybe attend a divorce support group, and really strengthen your relationship with God.

I think you already know a lot of this. Praying for the pain and hurt to lessen, and for God to see you through this difficult time.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#13
#13
From what I understand the general rule of thumb is to wait 1 year for every four years of marriage. I friend of mine that took divorce care at a local church learned it from the class.
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#14
#14
Sirk said:
From what I understand the general rule of thumb is to wait 1 year for every four years of marriage. I friend of mine that took divorce care at a local church learned it from the class.
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I hate that MAN TRADITION.... God by his spirit works in harmony with a willing vessel... not according to psychology timelines!!! It is not GOOD for man to be alone... but modern society sure does seem to promote a myriad of "attitudes" that go against the word of God.
 
A

atwhatcost

Guest
#15
#15
Do you mind a nondivorced person saying something? Not from the high-and-mighty stance, but as the wife of a man who was divorced.

On our first real date, he gave me a good clue as to if he was ready to marry. Couldn't miss it. (Funny thing. I didn't want to get married -- ever.) Here's what divorce brought to him. "I know I'm the kind of guy who needs to be married, so I'm looking for a wife."

Subtle, huh? In all the dating books ever written, I'm sure there are chapters on "Don't say stupid things like that on your first date." But, after the date, (which was @ 1 AM), I called Dad to tell him I just found the man I want to marry. (One week later we were talking about our first apartment after we got married, when I paused to ask the obvious question, "Did you ever propose to me?" He told me he hadn't, but I started talking about that apartment two days earlier, he, naturally, freaked, went home, thought about it, and decided he liked the idea. Seven months later, we were married.)

So, subtle hint. Trust God to let you know what you want to do next, and then after that. All the planning you want to do doesn't mean a hill of beans when God makes his plans. He'll let you know if there is anything to know. Meanwhile, live your life for him.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#16
#16
BarlyGurl said:
I hate that MAN TRADITION.... God by his spirit works in harmony with a willing vessel... not according to psychology timelines!!! It is not GOOD for man to be alone... but modern society sure does seem to promote a myriad of "attitudes" that go against the word of God.
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Personally I think it is based in solid biblical truth. Who are you to think you know better than God and how long an individual should wait on Him?....and there is certainly scriptural basis for times when it is good for man to be alone. Lol
 
B

BarlyGurl

Guest
#17
#17
Sirk said:
Personally I think it is based in solid biblical truth. Who are you to think you know better than God and how long an individual should wait on Him?....and there is certainly scriptural basis for times when it is good for man to be alone. Lol
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Please do show the solid biblical truth that the "rule of 1 year waiting for every 4 years married" is based on the bible as opposed to "man's tradition"? Where did I assert to know better than GOD about how long an individual should wait???? Apparently, YOU disagree with God... who spoke... "it is not good for man to be alone".
The OP seems to be more in agreement with God's word on the matter... and is thinking about how best to go about finding another helpmeet. I am really confident the OP can determine how long or short a duration he should "wait on God" by seeking GOD instead of following a "rule of thumb" from man's traditions.
 
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Stand_Strong

Guest
#18
#18
BarlyGurl said:
Please do show the solid biblical truth that the "rule of 1 year waiting for every 4 years married" is based on the bible as opposed to "man's tradition"? Where did I assert to know better than GOD about how long an individual should wait???? Apparently, YOU disagree with God... who spoke... "it is not good for man to be alone".
The OP seems to be more in agreement with God's word on the matter... and is thinking about how best to go about finding another helpmeet. I am really confident the OP can determine how long or short a duration he should "wait on God" by seeking GOD instead of following a "rule of thumb" from man's traditions.
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Here is the definition of "rule of thumb"

a broadly accurate guide or principle, based on experience or practice rather than theory.

Note the words - broadly, guide, based on experience
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#19
#19
BarlyGurl said:
Please do show the solid biblical truth that the "rule of 1 year waiting for every 4 years married" is based on the bible as opposed to "man's tradition"? Where did I assert to know better than GOD about how long an individual should wait???? Apparently, YOU disagree with God... who spoke... "it is not good for man to be alone".
The OP seems to be more in agreement with God's word on the matter... and is thinking about how best to go about finding another helpmeet. I am really confident the OP can determine how long or short a duration he should "wait on God" by seeking GOD instead of following a "rule of thumb" from man's traditions.
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Wow...you're crabby. As a rule of thumb, I avoid combative people. That's a biblical concept as well.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#20
Feb 21, 2014
70,939
9,691
113
#20
I'm not married, never have been and never will be. God has called me to be single and I'm content with that. :) Is there any verses in the bible that say you MUST remarry again? How about taking some time to regain your footing and adjust to being single again. If you're meant to remarry again, then GOD will find the person for you. jmo
 
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