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Today was the most isolated I've felt in a while. I was at church this morning for practice. We're doing a women's conference ran by our church. Everyone that came to practice is a friend of the youth pastor's. 3 of them were from out of town, and they're his best friends.
I've been looking forward to this practice. While yesterday has still left a bit of a sour note in my mouth, I don't think this has anything to do with it. Throughout the whole practice, all I could think was, "Why the heck am I here? What am I doing here? I don't belong here. I shouldn't do this."
The youth pastor went up to me and asked me how I thought practice went. I told him that I thought those things. He asked me why...I told him I felt like I didn't fit in. He asked me why. I couldn't put it into words that wouldn't be harsh, offensive, or raw. Because I've been feeling pretty raw lately and the last thing anyone needs is to be on the receiving end of that. I needed time to word it to where I could adequately explain the scenario and how I felt about it. I'm not good at doing that stuff on the spot. Thankfully he had to go do something and then the person who took me home had to leave.
When I got home I wanted to cry all over again. I didn't. Instead I slept for 3 hours. It wasn't my greatest idea but I was so tired. While I was asleep he did send me a text, asking if it was a specific person that was making me feel left out. I could honestly say it wasn't.
It's probably more me than anything. I have a tendency to separate myself from groups. I don't mean to do it, but nobody ever says anything to reassure me that I belong in that group. In fact beyond the youth pastor and one of our singers, barely anyone said anything to me that whole practice. Maybe it's because I made myself unapproachable. But it's not like I haven't worked with most of the people that were there. I've worked with all of them before, minus one.
But even when I wasn't like this, when I was a kid, I was myself. I was mostly carefree. I still wasn't accepted by peers. In youth group, I was never accepted. I come from a long line of not being accepted by peers. The old ladies at church loved me (still do), doted on me, told me how sweet I am... but being myself has never been good enough for my "friends." Being like everyone else wasn't good enough for my "friends." SO, best thing to do? Don't even try. Don't approach them and maybe if they approach you, you engage.
And that's essentially what happened today. I don't know if it was me or them that started it, but once everyone was there, I didn't feel like I was as needed. Every time someone did ask me a question about what went where, who went where, I didn't know what to do. And once practice started, it all just felt like, "his people" were there, I was in the way. I feel as if I am a musician, not a friend. But even as a musician, I did not feel needed. So the little social switch just kind of turned off.
As I told him, I felt like they were on one level, and I was on a completely different one. Not as in skill levels. And not like I'm on a pedestal or they are. But different. This probably makes no sense. It's really hard to explain if you've never experienced this feeling before.
I really hope I can find a good therapist. Something tells me I'll be needing one. -_- Someone said they'd be researching for me, but they never got back with me. This is one of the few things I don't trust Google to help me find.
I've been looking forward to this practice. While yesterday has still left a bit of a sour note in my mouth, I don't think this has anything to do with it. Throughout the whole practice, all I could think was, "Why the heck am I here? What am I doing here? I don't belong here. I shouldn't do this."
The youth pastor went up to me and asked me how I thought practice went. I told him that I thought those things. He asked me why...I told him I felt like I didn't fit in. He asked me why. I couldn't put it into words that wouldn't be harsh, offensive, or raw. Because I've been feeling pretty raw lately and the last thing anyone needs is to be on the receiving end of that. I needed time to word it to where I could adequately explain the scenario and how I felt about it. I'm not good at doing that stuff on the spot. Thankfully he had to go do something and then the person who took me home had to leave.
When I got home I wanted to cry all over again. I didn't. Instead I slept for 3 hours. It wasn't my greatest idea but I was so tired. While I was asleep he did send me a text, asking if it was a specific person that was making me feel left out. I could honestly say it wasn't.
It's probably more me than anything. I have a tendency to separate myself from groups. I don't mean to do it, but nobody ever says anything to reassure me that I belong in that group. In fact beyond the youth pastor and one of our singers, barely anyone said anything to me that whole practice. Maybe it's because I made myself unapproachable. But it's not like I haven't worked with most of the people that were there. I've worked with all of them before, minus one.
But even when I wasn't like this, when I was a kid, I was myself. I was mostly carefree. I still wasn't accepted by peers. In youth group, I was never accepted. I come from a long line of not being accepted by peers. The old ladies at church loved me (still do), doted on me, told me how sweet I am... but being myself has never been good enough for my "friends." Being like everyone else wasn't good enough for my "friends." SO, best thing to do? Don't even try. Don't approach them and maybe if they approach you, you engage.
And that's essentially what happened today. I don't know if it was me or them that started it, but once everyone was there, I didn't feel like I was as needed. Every time someone did ask me a question about what went where, who went where, I didn't know what to do. And once practice started, it all just felt like, "his people" were there, I was in the way. I feel as if I am a musician, not a friend. But even as a musician, I did not feel needed. So the little social switch just kind of turned off.
As I told him, I felt like they were on one level, and I was on a completely different one. Not as in skill levels. And not like I'm on a pedestal or they are. But different. This probably makes no sense. It's really hard to explain if you've never experienced this feeling before.
I really hope I can find a good therapist. Something tells me I'll be needing one. -_- Someone said they'd be researching for me, but they never got back with me. This is one of the few things I don't trust Google to help me find.
lil_christian: What I'm gonna say may or may not apply to your situation, but it sure sounds familiar. Divide and conquer is the devil's favorite tactic for getting people away from the church - not the church building, the people of God. I've seen it work on a lot of people, including my mother and my brother. They start feeling they don't belong, and soon everything anyone says or does, or doesn't say or do, reinforces that belief. They start viewing everything through the lens of "I don't belong." And eventually they really don't, because they have convinced themselves they don't for so long that they took themselves out without realizing it.
I'm not saying "Shame on you, suck it up and get over it." I know how you feel. I'm a nerd, sometimes I feel I don't belong in any given group. What I am saying is please recognize the enemy's tactic for what it is.
I'm not saying "Shame on you, suck it up and get over it." I know how you feel. I'm a nerd, sometimes I feel I don't belong in any given group. What I am saying is please recognize the enemy's tactic for what it is.
I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way, Lil. I can certainly relate since I was never accepted by my peers either. I think its because you are such a beautiful, real and sincere person. To your/our peers we seem odd, strange. But those few who really know you understand what a true treasure of a person you are. To fit in and be accepted by our peers would require becoming more like them, the 'cool' kids, who's interests, concerns and appreciation of life don't run quite as deep as yours. Jesus knows how that feels, to be shunned by his peers for being different.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
(Psalm 25:16-17)
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
(Isaiah 41:10)
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
(Psalm 25:16-17)
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
(Isaiah 41:10)
Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now
For they could not love you
But still your love was true..
...This world was never meant for
One as beautiful as you
(from the song, "Vincent" by Don McLean)
God bless you, Evie.
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now
For they could not love you
But still your love was true..
...This world was never meant for
One as beautiful as you
(from the song, "Vincent" by Don McLean)
God bless you, Evie.
Lil you already have gotten some great feedback but I wanted to let you know you are not alone in experiencing this. I believe to an extent we all have and spiritual warfare will be targeted at areas where we are most vulnerable.
From your experience you will be in a great position to minister to others in the future based on your depth of understanding having gone through similar moments. For example as one who has felt like an outsider watching a group of people with a tight bond at some event and feeling uneasy, I now find that at any group event I am constantly scanning the room and take notice of those who might not seem like they are "connected or engaged." If I notice someone I approach them and talk or lead them into whatever group I am connected with. I do this without even noticing anymore and have had several people thank me later for helping them transition or ease into a group setting. Once you start looking for opportunities to serve another christian at any function you will be surprised at the number of opportunities there are. This also might help ease anxiety over not knowing how to engage yourself as your focus will be on serving.
Hope that helps.
From your experience you will be in a great position to minister to others in the future based on your depth of understanding having gone through similar moments. For example as one who has felt like an outsider watching a group of people with a tight bond at some event and feeling uneasy, I now find that at any group event I am constantly scanning the room and take notice of those who might not seem like they are "connected or engaged." If I notice someone I approach them and talk or lead them into whatever group I am connected with. I do this without even noticing anymore and have had several people thank me later for helping them transition or ease into a group setting. Once you start looking for opportunities to serve another christian at any function you will be surprised at the number of opportunities there are. This also might help ease anxiety over not knowing how to engage yourself as your focus will be on serving.
Hope that helps.
