What should you know before marrying!

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MynameisDavid

Guest
#1
I am a marriage coach, But I tend to handle marital problems in a more of a spiritual/biblical way. This is what I put together all glory to God.


Ephesians 5:32
This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.
A marriage between the husband and wife should look like the Lord's relationship with the church, this is shown through Ephesians 5:22-32. (Explained more below)


What is love?
Love in the bible is actually an action word, to love someone by the bibles standards means to treats them right! This is why the scriptures say in Romans 13:10 "Love does no wrong to others or Love worketh no ill to his neighbour" because love only does right to others! Many christian's think they are loving their spouse, but they aren't because they are wronging them. MAKE SURE YOU LOVE YOUR SPOUSE!


What is the flesh and what does it mean to "deny the flesh"?
Every born again christian has two natures, which is the flesh and the spirit. The flesh is your sinful nature. This is what gives people tendencies to SIN and to mistreat people. The spirit is your Christ-like nature, this is what causes you to become more like Jesus, and helps you to treat people right!
In marriages, often times people don't want to deny the flesh, and for this reason many marriages fail.


Denying the flesh means submitting to the Holy spirit. This means your actions should be inspired by what God desires (LOVE), and not by your sinful desires (FLESH). To do this you should focus on being the new creation that God has called you to be - Holy, Selfless, Loving, Sacrificing, Patient, Gentle, Caring, Long-suffering, Faithful, Understanding, Forgiving, and Merciful.
This is actually in the bible and it's called the fruits of the spirit
Galtians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
23 Meekness, temperance:


If you live by the spirit, then you will ALWAYS, bare the characteristics above, and will NOT, carry out your FLESHLY wicked characteristics below.


Galatians 5:16 I say then, walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.


Anything that is opposite of the characteristics above is FLESH. Some of the common fleshly behaviors are below.
Being Harsh, Feisty, Argumentative, Self-Centered, Selfishness, Negative-sarcasm, Unforgiving, Unfaithful, bad tones, Attitudes, Fighting, Assaulting, Being-mean, Revenge, Cursing, TicforTac, and Impatient. These are the characteristics of the FLESH which God HATES.


When you treat your spouse with that type of behavior, you are going against God and should seek to repent and start loving each other by living according to the spirit as he called us to.


What does it mean to actually "DENY" the flesh...?
NOW this is the part where christian's have issues in marriages, because many people get married and only want to treat each other right when they FEEL LIKE IT. But when you're denying the flesh, you're applying the Holy spirit's characteristics (which is LOVE) despite how you feel.
It's applying them when your being mistreated, when your angry, when they are undeserving, and even when you don't feel like it. Regardless of the situation, you are to treat your spouse according to the spirit and not the flesh. After reading this you should now understand what it means to how to deny the flesh and how to love your spouse biblically.

SIMPLY PUT! anytime your wronging your spouse your hating them! Therefore walk by the spirit and deny your sinful urges to hold grudges, have attitudes, lose control, etc


Now for the instruction manual:What are the roles of the husband and wife?


Ephesians 5:21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
RULE 1: submit to each other! what does this mean?
Ephesians 5:22-23 "For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord."
Just like how you listen to Jesus commandments and obey him. the wife should also listen to and obey her husband.
why does the wife submit to the husband?
"For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church." It's her role in marriage.


Do the wife have to obey her husband on everything?
24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.


what about husbands? how do husbands submit to their wives?


Ephesians 5:25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her.


Loving your wife like Christ loves the church, means loving her like Jesus loves the church. Which is an amazing amount of love. Be willing to die for your wife, just like Jesus was willing to die for us. Jesus takes care of the NEEDS of the church, therefore the husband should fulfill the needs of his wife.


Ephesians 5:28 "husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies". For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.
Ephesians 5:29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.


Questions?
What if the husband goes overboard with his authority, having his wife to do everything? while he does nothing?
Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
1 Peter 3:7 In the same way, you husbands should live with your wives in an understanding way, since they are weaker than you. You should show them respect, because God gives them the same blessing he gives you—the grace of true life. Do this so that nothing will stop your prayers from being heard.


If this happened, then the wife should pray for her husband because God will hinder his prayers from being heard as a punishment for mistreating his wife.


This is what makes you an great husband or wife!
A huge part in making sure your marriage works is being loving regardless of the circumstances. Husbands even if your wife doesn't listen/submit to you, continue to treat her right, loving her, and taking care of her. Wives just because your husband is operating in the flesh doesn't mean you can stop obeying him. Submit to your husbands even when he does wrong to you, Remain gentle, caring, and loving towards him.


We have to LEARN to treat each other right, even when we are being treated WRONG! When the husband decides to mistreat his wife, or the wife decides to stop submitting, they are deciding to go against God's word, and if they don't repent and stop treating each other wrong, then they will have to ANSWER TO GOD.


If you know you struggle with the denying the flesh in tough situations then ask God to help you, because it's his will for you to be loving especially to your spouse.


Imagine what marriage will be like if two christian's come together devoted to denying the flesh and treating each other according the spirit? Simply beautiful right? Make sure you and your christian partner will apply these concepts before getting married, it will make things so much easier! Hope this blesses someone.
 
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Shouryu

Guest
#2
When you say, "marriage coach," is that an actual job title?

I only ask, because...well, as someone who, for instance, has been playing clarinet for 25 years, I would be hesitant to take clarinet lessons from someone who is only 22 and has not played clarinet. In the same vein, I have been strength training with weights in various programs for 15 years, and I would be hesitant to take coaching from someone who's only been weight training from someone who has only been doing it for four years, or worse, not at all. I mean, you can see why someone might be a little skeptical.

I suppose I am just confused. I don't disagree with anything you've really posted here, but at the same time, everything you've posted comes from the Word of God. So, the natural response, from anyone who has spent significant time in the Word would be, "Well, yeah." There is nothing wrong with what you've shown. I am simply interested in how you came about to be a marriage coach, and what all that entails for you on a daily basis.
 

garet82

Senior Member
Jan 20, 2011
679
85
28
#3
Hmm i bit confuse with the topic "whats you should you know before marriying" and marriage coach n the connection of the bible verses. I think i need to reread again :)
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
16,245
5,212
113
#4
Shour just stated everything I was thinking, except probably in a much more eloquent way.

David, I think it's wonderful that you want to help people, and the principles you've written here are, of course, very sound :).

But I'm reminded of when I went to buy my sewing machine a long time ago, and every single sales clerk there was a man. This isn't to say that men can't sell sewing machines. And they surely knew their products forwards and backwards. But not a single one of them had ever sewn, let's say, a dress or piece of clothing, and so when I had questions about how the machine handled certain techniques of the construction of a dress, they had no idea what I was talking about, and no way to relate.

God's Word is most certainly what we build our lives around. But in my own opinion, it's also very helpful (and crucial) to ask those who have actual real-life experience, which is why I appreciate our regular married posters here. Fenner, MissCris, and several others share a lot of insightful, helpful information about what it's like to be married. Fenner's thread a while back about what Valentine's Day was like for her, her husband, and her family was one of the most personally valuable things I've ever read on CC. I've also known people who were married over 60 years, and they can give advice that no one else is capable of giving.

On the flip side, someone once sent me a PM criticizing the singles here who have never been married but yet spoke as if they knew something about marriage. I think there can be a balance, and that people who have never been married definitely have valid perspectives to share, too.

But it's a lot like training for a job--if you want a well-rounded view, you have to ask those who have worked at it for several years, and even then, nothing can fully prepare you.

I guess that's why God expects us not to rely on just knowledge and understanding, but also faith. :)
 
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MollyConnor

Guest
#5
When you say, "marriage coach," is that an actual job title?

I only ask, because...well, as someone who, for instance, has been playing clarinet for 25 years, I would be hesitant to take clarinet lessons from someone who is only 22 and has not played clarinet. In the same vein, I have been strength training with weights in various programs for 15 years, and I would be hesitant to take coaching from someone who's only been weight training from someone who has only been doing it for four years, or worse, not at all. I mean, you can see why someone might be a little skeptical.

I suppose I am just confused. I don't disagree with anything you've really posted here, but at the same time, everything you've posted comes from the Word of God. So, the natural response, from anyone who has spent significant time in the Word would be, "Well, yeah." There is nothing wrong with what you've shown. I am simply interested in how you came about to be a marriage coach, and what all that entails for you on a daily basis.
You've been playing clarinet for 25 years? That's pretty cool. I've been playing it on and off for about ten years. I initially wanted the flute, much smaller. But the band director wanted me for clarinet. I don't know why. LOL But I've grown to really like it!
 
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MrOhAllRight

Guest
#6
YOUSELF & SPOUSE
 

Shawn2516

Senior Member
Dec 20, 2013
154
1
0
#7
I find "love coaches", "life coaches", "marriage coaches", "insert whatever-coach" has generally all the right answers, but none of the experience.
 
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James4redemption

Guest
#8
That and good bathroom etiquette...

Not but seriously, its just a little strange getting marriage advice from a 22 year old. It's good wisdom though, nothing wrong with that. It's just hard to take serious. A lot of things in life are easier said than actually done. Every time you think the rule is as a cookie cutter...the heat of the moment rears it's ugly head and gives you an opportunity to fall flat on your face. It's like I just discovered Christianity, every time I think I got something figured out...something I never even thought of reveals itself to me. Good and Bad. So I mean, don't get discouraged in your search for answers, just know there's a lot more to learn within experience. That goes for just about everything in Life.
 
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shotgunner

Guest
#9
Courting couples should agree on these topics.
Religion
Money
Relatives
Children
politics
sex
 
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Donkeyfish07

Guest
#11
I totally agree with everyone who is skeptical due to the posters age. That being said, I'm not completely closed minded to a young person being very capable in that regard. Its just that its easier to assume you know better when you have more life experience in general.....when in reality, it is quite possible for someone even 1/3rd your age to be gifted or have a calling that far surpasses your own knowledge or ability.

That being said....at such a young age OP, I do think providing your background and how you got into this whole coaching business is a very reasonable question that you should answer.
 
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Donkeyfish07

Guest
#12
Sorry for the double post here but it was too late to edit. I think it's an important example. Where I grew up, coal mines has always been the lifeblood of the economy but it is very hard and dangerous work. This one particular guy (he is grown now with his own kids) had his parents suffer an unfortunate accident when he was only 15 years old, right before his 16th birthday. He had 4 siblings all younger than him. The state would have managed to split the entire family up if he didn't figure something out quick so he somehow managed to get improper ID that said he was an adult....dropped out of school and went into the coal mines.

He then raised every single sibling on his own, completely by himself working 12 hour days....6 days a week with only sundays off and still got them on the bus every morning and took the whole family to Church on Sunday. That guy was a better man and better Christian than not only myself, but practically every other full grown man I know in real life and this is when he was only 16. Young age doesn't always mean that the person is incapable or of questionable character/competency.
 
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Shouryu

Guest
#13
I totally agree with everyone who is skeptical due to the posters age. That being said, I'm not completely closed minded to a young person being very capable in that regard. Its just that its easier to assume you know better when you have more life experience in general.....when in reality, it is quite possible for someone even 1/3rd your age to be gifted or have a calling that far surpasses your own knowledge or ability.

That being said....at such a young age OP, I do think providing your background and how you got into this whole coaching business is a very reasonable question that you should answer.
And that is why I said it the way I said it. David DID bring good Scripture to the table, and his edification of it wasn't wrong or misleading. I don't want to be closed minded to what another believer brings, so long as it doesn't disagree with Scripture. But I also wanted to be honest about my skepticism. Like Kim said, I would be more likely to be receptive if I had more understand of David's background beyond the sentence, "I am a marriage coach." It just seems so terribly vague that I felt compelled to say something.

So, David, are you willing to share more, brother?
 
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Shouryu

Guest
#14
P.S. And in response to Miss Molly - yes, I've been playing that long (don't forget, I'm a grouchy old man and you're still young and innocent ^_^). I try not to "toot my horn" much, but I have a bachelor's in music, clarinet performance, and a master's in music, conducting, and am licenced as public music educator at all levels in both New Mexico and Texas. While the brunt of my expertise is in the clarinet and saxophone, I am actually proficient on almost every wind and percussion instrument save bassoon, as well as voice, electric bass, and piano...the actual PHYSICAL instruments. I just don't say much about it, when everyone else likes to talk about what they do musically because when I DO bring up how much I do...I mean, it's my JOB to actually play and teach all of those things...I don't want people to feel like I'm boasting or trying to one-up them, you know. But I promise, my sister, that if you ever come to one of our Texas meetups, if you bring your clarinet, I will bring mine, and some music, and we can play duets! I brought a French horn for CatHerder to play at our Dallas meet in June, and we spent a good chunk of one morning playing duets. I love to play music with friends. ^_^

 
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setapartgirl

Guest
#15
Well... i will not question you for being a marriage coach at the age of 22, some people who are married for 50 years can't even make it right, well maybe God blessed you with that gift who can give advices at that young age, or maybe you have a lot of experienced in life since day one of your life here on earth, well i don't know..really, but i am just hoping that everything you will do or say will lead the people towards Christ, and i believe as you get older, probably than not, you will be wiser, Godbless to your choosen path!! :)
 
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MynameisDavid

Guest
#16
I call myself a marriage coach because the wisdom God has given me can really help a married couple. I'd look up to a guy who called himself a rock, if he could help me grow spiritually. A suit, tie, grey hair, and a PHD in theology doesn't qualify someone to be a teacher of God's word anymore then a highschool dropout. It is God who qualifies someone to teach. I believe by the fruit I've produce, it's evident that my wisdom has come from God, and that's what matters. If anyone is humble enough to learn from someone younger then them, then may you be blessed.


1 timothy 4:12 Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#17
I call myself a marriage coach because the wisdom God has given me can really help a married couple. I'd look up to a guy who called himself a rock, if he could help me grow spiritually. A suit, tie, grey hair, and a PHD in theology doesn't qualify someone to be a teacher of God's word anymore then a highschool dropout. It is God who qualifies someone to teach. I believe by the fruit I've produce, it's evident that my wisdom has come from God, and that's what matters. If anyone is humble enough to learn from someone younger then them, then may you be blessed.


1 timothy 4:12 Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.
I think more to the point is not only that you're young, but also not married. Yet you have appointed yourself as someone who can tell married people what they should be doing. Book learning is not the same thing as experience. So until you have lived what you preach people are going to be skeptical. Your age just compounds the skepticism.
We could all sit here and research scripture on a subject, that doesn't qualify us to take a leadership role just because we read about it.
 
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MynameisDavid

Guest
#18
So your admitting to rather learning from someone's else's experience then the actual bible it's self. This is how people get deceived. Biblical Wisdom comes from God, not from life experiences. It's quite possible for an 15 year old, to know far more than you and I, and never been married before. You don't trust what someone's says just because of what they been through, you believe them, because they stand on the word of God .
God bless you.
 
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MynameisDavid

Guest
#19
Discernment tells me that it's unprofitable to go back and forth on something so vain. It's really sad that people wanna point out minor flaws in something that could save someone's marriage. I spent countless hours working on this, and people would rather focus on the age of the poster rather than the content. If all it took was a certification, to make people feel more comfortable accepting what I said, then something is seriously wrong. After all we are not people in the world, we are Gods people. Nevertheless I love you guys.
 
Sep 6, 2013
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#20
Discernment tells me that it's unprofitable to go back and forth on something so vain. It's really sad that people wanna point out minor flaws in something that could save someone's marriage. I spent countless hours working on this, and people would rather focus on the age of the poster rather than the content. If all it took was a certification, to make people feel more comfortable accepting what I said, then something is seriously wrong. After all we are not people in the world, we are Gods people. Nevertheless I love you guys.
You make a good point David. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. There is wisdom in what you put together in your OP. You will hopefully make a great husband someday. :)