How do I reject the shy guy without hurting him?

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Luckysmyle

Guest
#1
#1
I'm pretty sure this guy has been interested in me for a few years, but just recently he seems to be making an effort to flirt more. He is a nice guy but other than church I really don't see that we have much in common. Do I say something before he asks me out? And how do I go about that without hurting him? Is Facebook (PM) a good idea (so that he can save face)? We only ever hang out at group events so I worry that doing it in person may end up being hard on him.
 
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crosstweed

Guest
#2
#2
Unfortunately, rejection hurts, period. Facebook is iffy because, while it may save him face, you can't communicate as delicately as you might be able to if you had the addition of facial expression and tone of voice.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#3
#3
Don't say anything unless he asked you out. And if he does ask you out just Nicely refuse him. Perhaps don't chat with him, even at church to give him the sign you aren't interested. Either way, just be nice.
 
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crosstweed

Guest
#4
#4
My preference is feeding a guy information indirectly, such as when you're both talking with a group of people and the subject of relationships come up. If you're not interested in anybody, you can simply publicly state that you're not interested in anybody, or if you are interested in someone (but can't name names) give enough information about your true crush to let the other guy know it's not him. Sometimes this tactic works, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on how good the guy is at picking up social cues and whether or not he's stubborn.
 
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Luckysmyle

Guest
#5
#5
Ugly said:
Don't say anything unless he asked you out. And if he does ask you out just Nicely refuse him. Perhaps don't chat with him, even at church to give him the sign you aren't interested. Either way, just be nice.
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He is part of my group of friends so it would probably seem quite rude if I stopped talking to him, but I see what you are saying.
 
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Luckysmyle

Guest
#6
#6
I'm probably misrepresenting him by calling him shy, he is actually very outgoing and easy to talk to, but seems shy when it comes to flirting. Just reading these comments has made me realize I may be sending him mixed signals. I can be quite shy if I am interested in someone, but because I have never had any interest in him I often talk with him because I am comfortable around him.
 
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crosstweed

Guest
#7
#7
AH! The bane of female existence: mixed signals.
LOL

WE BE LIKE ^^^
 
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Luckysmyle

Guest
#8
#8
Lol, yep that's me.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#9
Feb 21, 2014
70,920
9,669
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#9
Facebook is tacky.. Face to face is best. Tell him you like him as a friend, and that's all. :)
 
PennEd

PennEd

Senior Member
#10
Apr 22, 2013
13,581
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#10
My situation was similar, except it was my wife who was 1st interested in me. Thank the Lord I went out with her. After all these years it is glaringly evident just how lucky I AM. Maybe you could give the guy a shot.
 
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Luckysmyle

Guest
#11
#11
PennEd said:
My situation was similar, except it was my wife who was 1st interested in me. Thank the Lord I went out with her. After all these years it is glaringly evident just how lucky I AM. Maybe you could give the guy a shot.
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I've known him for a few years, I know him well enough to say we don't have anything in common outside of church. I know if I were to give him a chance he would be a door mat, I don't want someone I can walk over. I want someone who wants to make me happy, but I also want someone who is willing to stand up to me when I need it.
 
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GodIsSalvation

Banned
#12
Dec 18, 2013
6,733
45
0
#12
Luckysmyle said:
I've known him for a few years, I know him well enough to say we don't have anything in common outside of church. I know if I were to give him a chance he would be a door mat, I don't want someone I can walk over. I want someone who wants to make me happy, but I also want someone who is willing to stand up to me when I need it.
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How would he be a doormat if you didn't walk over him?

My main question be to ask how old are you? If you are not that old simply tell him you're not old enough to date anyone. If you are old enough, well, I suppose it would seem indeed if he's not a bad guy maybe you should let him take you on a date. If he is a shy guy, simply he has to ask first, so if he is too shy to ever ask, you'll never have to refuse.
 
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tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#13
Mar 13, 2014
42,582
17,050
113
69
Tennessee
#13
Luckysmyle said:
I've known him for a few years, I know him well enough to say we don't have anything in common outside of church. I know if I were to give him a chance he would be a door mat, I don't want someone I can walk over. I want someone who wants to make me happy, but I also want someone who is willing to stand up to me when I need it.
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Maybe he wants someone that makes him happy too.
 
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Mitspa

Guest
#14
#14
crosstweed said:
My preference is feeding a guy information indirectly, such as when you're both talking with a group of people and the subject of relationships come up. If you're not interested in anybody, you can simply publicly state that you're not interested in anybody, or if you are interested in someone (but can't name names) give enough information about your true crush to let the other guy know it's not him. Sometimes this tactic works, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on how good the guy is at picking up social cues and whether or not he's stubborn.
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Wow an expert :)
 
JonahLynx

JonahLynx

Senior Member
#15
Dec 28, 2014
1,017
30
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#15
I agree with Ugly, wait until he is straightforward then you can be straightforward as well. But in the meantime I would just suggest not leading him on by continuing on whatever he is doing to flirt. Move onto a different subject politely, but in a way that shows you are changing it on purpose. If you are friendly but also avoiding those types of subjects, he'll get the message and be fine most likely.
 
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Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#16
Jun 30, 2015
25,424
13,770
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#16
No advice as such, but recognize that there is a difference between disappointing someone and wounding them. If he asks you out, and you give a clear rejection kindly and respectfully, he will probably be disappointed. That's to be expected, but if he is healthy he will get over it quickly.

If he seems wounded, then he had an unhealthy expectation or desire, and that is his problem, not yours. You don't owe a person anything just because they like you. :)
 
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Donkeyfish07

Guest
#17
#17
Mitspa said:
Wow an expert :)
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Thats basic strategy. You would be surprised at the tricks these girls have up their sleeves, both ways. Lol. The good thing is, if you know how to pick up on all the cues and play dumb.....it is really funny to watch them get frustrated like "how does this guy not get it? I brought coffee just for me and him 2 days in a row and made sure that we just so happened to have lunch break together. I told him I didnt have a boyfriend 3 times, what else do I gotta do!?" Ha ha :p.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#18
#18
Luckysmyle said:
I've known him for a few years, I know him well enough to say we don't have anything in common outside of church. I know if I were to give him a chance he would be a door mat, I don't want someone I can walk over. I want someone who wants to make me happy, but I also want someone who is willing to stand up to me when I need it.
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I dont see your age... You may be underestimating this guy. People are different in a relationship. But if you're totally uninterested you can let a person know by your body language and the way you act when he is flirting. Wait until he asks you out and politely refuse,to his face. Its rude to use social media.It you have something to say say it kindly,to his face.
 
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Luckysmyle

Guest
#19
#19
GodIsSalvation said:
How would he be a doormat if you didn't walk over him?

My main question be to ask how old are you? If you are not that old simply tell him you're not old enough to date anyone. If you are old enough, well, I suppose it would seem indeed if he's not a bad guy maybe you should let him take you on a date. If he is a shy guy, simply he has to ask first, so if he is too shy to ever ask, you'll never have to refuse.
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Some people are so eager to please others that they don't share their true feelings on a subject. I have no desire to walk on someone, but I am not a mind reader and have no desire to be so. An example of this would be asking them where they want to eat and they always select your favorite restaurants, I have no way of knowing if that's what they want or they are just trying to please me. It is fine if it is just some of the time, but if it's all the time that's not a relationship.

I am in my 30's I know both myself and this gentleman well enough to know I'm not interested.
 
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Donkeyfish07

Guest
#20
#20
Luckysmyle said:
Some people are so eager to please others that they don't share their true feelings on a subject. I have no desire to walk on someone, but I am not a mind reader and have no desire to be so. An example of this would be asking them where they want to eat and they always select your favorite restaurants, I have no way of knowing if that's what they want or they are just trying to please me. It is fine if it is just some of the time, but if it's all the time that's not a relationship.

I am in my 30's I know both myself and this gentleman well enough to know I'm not interested.
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I support that decision. I get what your saying and your more than old enough to know what you want. Though I would suggest doing the guy a favor if he actually asks you and just say no thank you. Shy people need to experience rejection to get over it. I know this from personal experience because I was a shy teenager.
 
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