How do I reject the shy guy without hurting him?

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Honestly I don't feel like I should need to defend myself in not seeing a future with this guy. As I have stated previously I know him well, I don't know why so many of you think dating will change compatibility issues. While I could list all the reasons to try and convince you all, I don't believe there is any benefit. If he does happen to be on here a listing of all the reasons we don't work could be hurtful.
 
RickyZ said:
Chemistry fades. It leads to divorce.
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This is exactly my point, he thinks he has chemistry with me while ignoring differences in our lives. While some difference is good there also needs to be common ground outside of church.
 
Luckysmyle said:
This is exactly my point, he thinks he has chemistry with me while ignoring differences in our lives. While some difference is good there also needs to be common ground outside of church.
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Bottom line,you know your own mind.Keep as much distance as you can and be truthful with him if he asks you out. IMO its more hurtful to go out with him to "just be nice" if your mind is made up. Dont give him hope. You're both adults and you need to be straight with him if he asks to go out. Your mind seems made up so nicely tell him you're not interested and move on. He deserves a woman who appreciates who he is and you arent attracted to that personality. Letting him feel like there is hope,as some are saying, will make it worse and give him hope. I wouldnt do that. Let him down easy.
 
Luckysmyle said:
I've done the jerk thing and learned my lesson a long time ago. I don't feel like I should date anyone simply because they are a nice guy or because they are Christians. Those are both factors in looking for someone though. As a Christian woman we often get told to just give any nice Christian guy a chance, but there is more to compatibility than simply being nice and Christian.
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Ok, Lucky. I'm sorry if I came off judging you. That wasn't my intent at all. I pray the Lord will guide you in handling this situation. Peace, Grace and Love to you.
 
Luckysmyle said:
Honestly I don't feel like I should need to defend myself in not seeing a future with this guy. As I have stated previously I know him well, I don't know why so many of you think dating will change compatibility issues. While I could list all the reasons to try and convince you all, I don't believe there is any benefit. If he does happen to be on here a listing of all the reasons we don't work could be hurtful.
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To me by experience, I agree with Kaylagrl...Many times I was led on, when the feelings were not mutual, but they thought they were being kind. It devastated me, more because they were not straight forward. I felt used for the purpose of them looking good in someone else's eyes, and when they expressed to others how horrible they were in the relationship. Instead of going to them, and asking why they got into it in the first place, I was deemed as someone to be avoided! It created great trust issues with me, great depression..and other issues! If only they just said from the beginning "You are a wonderful creation from God, But I am not drawn to you like that!" Suffering from that pain though, I have learned to express myself to those that are feeling rejected with "God has offered many entrees, but not everyone will eat the same thing!"
 
Luckysmyle said:
This is exactly my point, he thinks he has chemistry with me while ignoring differences in our lives. While some difference is good there also needs to be common ground outside of church.
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I'll admit I'm jaded. I was the guy who couldn't get a woman's attention if he was on fire outside a boarding house. But I was always the first guy those women ran to to cry and whine about the jerks they just 'loved' so dearly and couldn't let go of. Do this kid a favor - tell him you are not interested, but DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT run to him when your latest fling goes sour. That is incredibly cruel and unfair.
 
RickyZ said:
I'll admit I'm jaded. I was the guy who couldn't get a woman's attention if he was on fire outside a boarding house. But I was always the first guy those women ran to to cry and whine about the jerks they just 'loved' so dearly and couldn't let go of. Do this kid a favor - tell him you are not interested, but DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT run to him when your latest fling goes sour. That is incredibly cruel and unfair.
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Yes, I agree with this. Funny story to prove your point.My husband and I met online and talked for several months before we met. I had been in a relationship with one of those "jerks" but I found out too late what a jerk he really was. Im usually a real good judge of character.Anyhow I was talking to my now husband about how this guy did me wrong.My husband is a really easy going,sweet,gentleman. He's southern so very nice guy. So we were chatting online one night and I was crying over "jerk" and my husband finally says " I dont want to hear about HIM anymore!" I was shocked,he'd always been so sweet. He said " Did you ever think I am interested in you? And I dont want to hear about other guys." I was dumb founded and surprised.He said "why do you think I sit here listening to you every night?" Well end of story,we're married.lol Im also one of those people that people come crying to with their problems but when life is going well? Never hear from them. So I know how it feels too. My point is you're totally right and I understand where you are coming from a lot more now.
 
PennEd said:
Ok, Lucky. I'm sorry if I came off judging you. That wasn't my intent at all. I pray the Lord will guide you in handling this situation. Peace, Grace and Love to you.
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That was my bad only the first part was directed at your comment, didn't feel judged by you at all. Just feel like there is a distinct double standard in general that women should give any guy who isn't a complete jerk a chance, but a woman who likes a man who doesn't give her clear signals is needy and needs to learn her own self worth.
 
RickyZ said:
I'll admit I'm jaded. I was the guy who couldn't get a woman's attention if he was on fire outside a boarding house. But I was always the first guy those women ran to to cry and whine about the jerks they just 'loved' so dearly and couldn't let go of. Do this kid a favor - tell him you are not interested, but DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT run to him when your latest fling goes sour. That is incredibly cruel and unfair.
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This is interesting to me...

Rickyz, God obviously provided you with a woman who could see you past "the friend zone".

But if the rest of us are as blessed... How long will we too continue to go on hating and being bitter towards the people who rejected us in the past? (And how healthy will that be for our current relationship, if it ever materializes...)

Just thinking out loud...
 
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I would just continue to be his friend like always. And if he does eventually ask you out, I wouldn't recommend "tactics" or dropping hints. I would tell him straight out that you don't feel a connection like that but that you really enjoy that he's part of your friend group.
 
How can I say this without sounding even more crass than I already have... I love my wife for sure, but I dated down and settled. We are not by any means equally yoked. Sometimes when you're starving mac and cheese looks like steak tartar. And strangely enough our family therapist agrees with me (but not in front of her).

As for being bitter, I try not to be, but when I hear women badmouthing nice guys because they're just not exciting enough, only to whine and complain later to nice guys about how horrible their exciting fling has turned out to be, I just want to b--ch slap them to their senses. It's exactly because of women like that that I am now yoked with a woman who requires more monitoring and baby-sitting than a 2 year old.

And again, I know I'm jaded. Doesn't mean I don't have some valid points to make about such situations. I just wish there were some way my experience could help some people make smarter decisions.
 
RickyZ said:
How can I say this without sounding even more crass than I already have... I love my wife for sure, but I dated down and settled. We are not by any means equally yoked. Sometimes when you're starving mac and cheese looks like steak tartar. And strangely enough our family therapist agrees with me (but not in front of her).

As for being bitter, I try not to be, but when I hear women badmouthing nice guys because they're just not exciting enough, only to whine and complain later to nice guys about how horrible their exciting fling has turned out to be, I just want to b--ch slap them to their senses. It's exactly because of women like that that I am now yoked with a woman who requires more monitoring and baby-sitting than a 2 year old.

And again, I know I'm jaded. Doesn't mean I don't have some valid points to make about such situations. I just wish there were some way my experience could help some people make smarter decisions.
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I understand what you're saying, RickyZ, and I do admire the honesty. I wish you and your wife the very best.

All of us have been rejected in some way, and most of us in the very way you're describing, multiple times.

I just pray to God that if I marry again, my husband doesn't look at me and think, "Wow, I totally dated down and settled... and all I got was you."

If that's what's going to happen, I would much rather stay single.

P.S. I know what you mean about listening to guy's problems... Most of the guys I meet wind up getting married, complaining all the way. (Not that women don't do the same but as a woman I hear a different perspective from the guys.)
 
RickyZ said:
I'll admit I'm jaded. I was the guy who couldn't get a woman's attention if he was on fire outside a boarding house. But I was always the first guy those women ran to to cry and whine about the jerks they just 'loved' so dearly and couldn't let go of. Do this kid a favor - tell him you are not interested, but DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT run to him when your latest fling goes sour. That is incredibly cruel and unfair.
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I get what that's like, I can't say for the most part that men are falling all over me. I have heard many stories over the years about the horrible woman the guys I have been interested in have dated. I very rarely hear anything like that anymore though as most the people I choose to surround myself with believe in being intentional with dating. I haven't dated at all in the last 3 years and nothing significant in more years than that, most of that has been because I'm shy, overweight and working on my own self esteem issues.

I'm finally at the point in my life that I don't feel like I don't feel like I need to change myself to get a man. I feel like if I were to start dating him at this point it would simply be to bolster my own self esteem and I believe he deserves better than that.
 
Luckysmyle said:
Honestly I don't feel like I should need to defend myself in not seeing a future with this guy. As I have stated previously I know him well, I don't know why so many of you think dating will change compatibility issues. While I could list all the reasons to try and convince you all, I don't believe there is any benefit. If he does happen to be on here a listing of all the reasons we don't work could be hurtful.
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You don't owe that to anyone on here. If you aren't interested then you shouldn't date him. Too many people get caught up in trying to prove points rather than listen here. Or like to complicate simple issues. You have your reasons and people here just have to accept that you don't share them.
 
Luckysmyle said:
I get what that's like, I can't say for the most part that men are falling all over me. I have heard many stories over the years about the horrible woman the guys I have been interested in have dated. I very rarely hear anything like that anymore though as most the people I choose to surround myself with believe in being intentional with dating. I haven't dated at all in the last 3 years and nothing significant in more years than that, most of that has been because I'm shy, overweight and working on my own self esteem issues.

I'm finally at the point in my life that I don't feel like I don't feel like I need to change myself to get a man. I feel like if I were to start dating him at this point it would simply be to bolster my own self esteem and I believe he deserves better than that.
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We all have issues.My husband took me on with my issues but he has a past and Ive helped him with his issues.Thats what partnership is all about.I have chronic pain that keeps me from being as active as I need to be. I began to have to take a pill that caused me to gain weight.Never had a weight problem in my life.I had family issues,wow cant begin to tell you. But through it all he stuck with me BEFORE we got married. I gave him every option to leave,but he stayed. He's been my biggest support,I dont know where I be without him.He's helped me become a very different person because of his love and support. Don sell yourself short. I did. I fell into deep depression because I believed I had to have it all together to date. Then I met my husband and he changed everything I thought I knew about love and relationships. So dont hang back.Go out and date and enjoy life.If you meet that someone great,if you dont you've still had a good time. Just my advice.
 
RickyZ said:
How can I say this without sounding even more crass than I already have... I love my wife for sure, but I dated down and settled. We are not by any means equally yoked. Sometimes when you're starving mac and cheese looks like steak tartar. And strangely enough our family therapist agrees with me (but not in front of her).

As for being bitter, I try not to be, but when I hear women badmouthing nice guys because they're just not exciting enough, only to whine and complain later to nice guys about how horrible their exciting fling has turned out to be, I just want to b--ch slap them to their senses. It's exactly because of women like that that I am now yoked with a woman who requires more monitoring and baby-sitting than a 2 year old.

And again, I know I'm jaded. Doesn't mean I don't have some valid points to make about such situations. I just wish there were some way my experience could help some people make smarter decisions.
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Not to derail the thread but what do you mean by unequally yoked? Shes not a Christian?

Second question you seem to indicate she is high maintenance? Can you elaborate on that?

You seem very unhappy in your marriage,have you sought counseling?
 
RickyZ said:
It's exactly because of women like that that I am now yoked with a woman who requires more monitoring and baby-sitting than a 2 year old.
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Did you eat from the fruit of the tree, Adam?

The WOMAN made me do it.
 
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