Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

[egeiro]

This might be an idea for a new thread... "What can you do while driving?" Then again, maybe not. That thread might cause more accidents than a cloverleaf intersection.

I tend to be mindful if a bus pulls up next to me. Like trucks, they are at a higher vantage point and I recall being a public transport commuter myself, finding my eyes wondering below during those long drives to University. At the same time, I'm a pretty shameless driver when I'm not next to a bus. I tend to think that I have highly tinted windows when in fact I don't. If only I had the capacity to care what people thought as I sing my lungs out/waving my arms about to my favourite songs. Actually, I probably do that next to buses as well. I'm sure truck drivers have seen a lot of that crazy shenanigans.

But what I was concluding is that that would make a good thread! Plus 'Crazy dreams' would be too, after reading Catherder's crazy dream. Unless we already have one like that? No idea. I've been up since 5am doing paper work before work. Nothing makes sense this early in the morning!

 

[Ugly]

As some of you know i recently got out of a relationship and i had a bit of a rough time. Well, to make things short, some of my actions lent to her ending things. Basically her complaint was i stopped showing interest in her. At the time i saw what she meant, but i couldn't explain it. I knew it wasn't that i stopped caring, just didn't know what. Being home and talking with a friend i gained a bunch of new insights about the whole situation. About her. I felt really bad about it, and some other things i said. I wrote this long email explaining why i stopped expressing myself so she could see for herself and understand.
I also wrote a big section about how i had never lost interest in her, even during the 'dry spell'. I really opened up about how i felt about her in ways i hadn't before. It was much stronger than she thought, and it felt a bit vulnerable to share. I did this all in an email as there was so much to say, and even though we are no longer dating, i wanted to reassure her that the things she believed were not true and living with those feelings.
I didn't expect this letter to get us back together. But the response i got back was... tepid yet friend. What i got back was 'i forgive you and love you too' i don't want you out of my life. you're like my best friend and i mean that and still love you very much'. Seems like a nice response, but these are the same words she's been telling me since we broke up. Zero acknowledgement of how deeply i felt for her. Or basically anything of depth. I got an answer that was generic and that i've heard 20 times before.
I won't lie. It hurt. Though i know i played my part in things and messed up, the somewhat callous nature of how she has handled things is upsetting. We went from talking about marriage to her breaking up with me, but still asking if i was in love with her to rushing to go on a date. When i wrote this letter expressing a lot of deep emotion i get a generic parroted answer. She seems very insistent that i know she loves me and thinks of me as a best friend, but other than the first few days after she broke up with me, there hasn't been a single sign of her having any depth of care for me.
I'm trying to figure out how someone can behave this way. Did she ever really love me? If so why is she so unwilling to acknowledge anything of depth i say? Why is she so quick and eager to run off and find someone else? If she wants me to know how much she loves me and wants me in her life why does she seem to care so little in other ways? Is she trying to pay me back? So many questions and i know i'll never have answers.

I'm aware no one here can really answer anything. There are a lot of details no one here knows. I'm not really expecting answers. I just needed to get things out. Though my reputation here is the blunt big mouth that doesn't care, people who know me know i feel more than i show. And even those people don't know how much i ever actually feel because they don't see it all. I am all or nothing in relationships, and this was the most serious relationship i've had in 15 years. So i'm working overtime to not have a meltdown, like i have in the past over lesser relationships.
I know in the short time i've been back home this has come up a lot and it's probably getting old. I try to keep things to a minimum but things tend to leak out. Just asking to please continue to pray for me as i try to understand and accept things and to not become overwhelmed as i still only have 2 weeks to deal with losing my medicaid on top of everything else, which i don't even know how to handle that and can't afford to lose it.
Also pray for my ex as i do worry about her right now as well.
Thanks to all who pray and sorry for this continually coming up.

 

[MollyConnor]

To Ugly:
You need to forget about this woman. It seems like she has issues with self-esteem. I'm sorry to say this, but I really don't think she ever loved you. She was probably just using you to make herself feel better. A lot of women do this and sometimes they are not even aware of it. I've seen it and it usually happens to the good guys. Hence good guys finish last.

I mean not all girls are like that, but many are.

You don't need all that drama and baggage. You have plenty of things you need to focus on for yourself, like your health and your relationship with God. Ask God to take care of her and her son, then forget her, and focus on yourself.

Marriage is a lot of work. I know because I've seen my mom go through heart breaking divorce. If this lady has any doubts about wanting to be with you, then the marriage wouldn't have lasted anyway.

This is a blessing in disguise...it may take time to see it that way, but you'll get there!

 

[Ugly]

Hi Molly
While i appreciate your taking time to respond, and some things you've said i will consider, but some of it is spoken as someone who doesn't understand. It's not so easy to just forget and move on. I was engaged when i was 21, i've long recognized how good it was that i didn't marry that woman, but almost 20 years later i still think about her sometimes.

I can recognize that this may be for the best, but at the same time i'm wrestling with the issue that i had 100% believed the relationship was God's design. And i was not flippant in saying or thinking that. I really questioned and challenged that idea because i'd said such things in the past, when deep down i knew i was full of crap. So this time i was trying to be more honest with myself. And it seemed to be supported over and over for months that this was what God wanted.
Basically i had expected her to become my wife. It's hard to say 'oh well, that's not happening, it's for the best' and just move on.
Though, honestly, i can't completely say it's for the best. There is a part of me that knows this woman and what she deals with and what she's been through and at times i feel i know what's going on in her head and why she's acted in Some of the ways she has. That ability to understand makes it harder for me to let go. But some of her behavior still baffles me, such as in my above post. That's the part that hurts so much and makes it easier to let go. So i have reasons to let go, and i have reasons to hold on, both at the same time.
Maybe you're right. Maybe i was just being used. Many of the relationships i've been in ended up with me feeling that way. I don't know. This is the stuff i need to sort through and why i asked for prayer. Even separate from my emotions it's not so black and white.

At 40 i'm well aware that marriage is not easy. I've spent nearly 20 years now learning what marriage is, and what marriage isn't. I had the good fortune of having parents who had very few problems in their marriage, but i have seen and talked with countless others who had much different experiences. Yet, even learning how difficult marriage could be it's never once dissuaded me from wanting to be married. And now that i have some of the health problems i do that adds one more reason to want to be married.

 

[MollyConnor]

But she's already told you that she doesn't want to be with you, so you do need to let go. It's not healthy to be thinking that maybe it could happen or that it was God's design. You are going to waste more time that way.

At 40 i'm well aware that marriage is not easy.

I don't think anyone knows how difficult it is until they've been through it themselves.

Sorry, maybe my answer was a bit harsh...but I thought that bluntness would help you since you know...that's the road you take when giving advice to others. Honestly, your bluntness helps me sometimes.

I'm just trying to help you out here as a friend.

 

[eternallife7]

Wow!
And it's always those pesky last 24,798
that seem to drag oonnnn and oonnnn, right?!

Yeah I kept asking my friend to do his celebrity impersonations to keep the time going by smoothly.

 

[egeiro]

Hey Ugly.

I can understand both views. I've been the person who has had to hear the words 'This isn't working out' when all seemed to be going so well and also the person who has said, 'This isn't working out' when the future seemed so bright.

Being in both places in a break-up situation, I can say I felt very similar things being the break-up-ee and the break-up-er. It is this turbulent poop stir of crazy emotions and heart pangs. Telling someone 'It's not working out' still hurts. Admitting something that seemed so good is not good for both of you hurts. And if that woman is anything like me, defense mechanisms and robot responses start kicking in just to try and function all while trying not to hurt the other party in the relationship finale.


It is easy to look at someone who has broken up with you and call them nasty things to justify how you feel, but they're humans too who have made lifetime memories with you. No one is immune to the pain of a break-up even if they turn away and do stupid things. This is not the case for most women, but I know some, as well as myself, who have in the past used self-destructiveness to deal with hurt. I know now it is radically stupid and pointless, but for reasons still unknown to me, this still happens. As humans, we run from hurt, we cover hurt, we sometimes act and say things that seem so irrational to process or justify the hurt.

Go easy on her, Ugly. I'm sure she's trying to process this herself as well as trying her best to honour the history you have done together all while gently letting you go while you are in your grief. Break-ups have a tendency to be messy and confusing times.

As hard as it seems now, the best thing you can do is figure out how, as a representative of Christ and as one who has Christ's nature, can love and honour this person despite the wrong that seems to have unjustifiably been done to you. I guess it's up to you to figure out what that is going to look like. I understand you still have strong feelings towards her and you are confused since she is stating she has strong feelings towards you too, but sometimes loving someone means respecting the place the other person wants to place the relationship. Every circumstance and situation in life is a an opportunity to grow and to ooze out Jesus. It is an opportunity to mature in love even when the walls seem to be crumbling around us. That's one thing I know and one thing I aim to do and be, to be love despite what the world throws my way. I hope that even in your pain you can see the worth in aiming for such a call as this. To not just be a lover in a relationship, but also to be one who strongly loves another even if they have caused you pain.

I think some of what I have typed is all over the place since I technically should be getting ready for work, but I hope something helps.

Much love,

Arlene.

 

[cinder]

I won't lie. It hurt. Though i know i played my part in things and messed up, the somewhat callous nature of how she has handled things is upsetting. We went from talking about marriage to her breaking up with me, but still asking if i was in love with her to rushing to go on a date. When i wrote this letter expressing a lot of deep emotion i get a generic parroted answer. She seems very insistent that i know she loves me and thinks of me as a best friend, but other than the first few days after she broke up with me, there hasn't been a single sign of her having any depth of care for me.
I'm trying to figure out how someone can behave this way. Did she ever really love me? If so why is she so unwilling to acknowledge anything of depth i say? Why is she so quick and eager to run off and find someone else? If she wants me to know how much she loves me and wants me in her life why does she seem to care so little in other ways? Is she trying to pay me back? So many questions and i know i'll never have answers.

I'm aware no one here can really answer anything. There are a lot of details no one here knows. I'm not really expecting answers.

Thanks to all who pray and sorry for this continually coming up.

You don't need to apologize for life happening and needing a safe place to vent and try to sort it out etc, that's what friends are for. It's not like you are constantly complaining about every little challenge you deal with in life.

So I'm going to dare the impossible and try to give a woman's perspective on possible reasons this woman I don't know did some of the things she did.

As far as her response to your letter, don't interpret her first reaction as her final reaction. It contained a lot and you spent a lot of time on it. She may very well have gotten it and wanted to send out a quick reply to acknowledge you and give you hope, but not waited to put in the time for a full response. You dumped a whole lot of potentially new or surprising information on her, it will probably take her a lot of time to process and give an adequate response (if she intends to do so).

As to does she love you and if so why would she be running out to find someone else if she misses you? Extrapolating from the life experience I have which includes far too many goodbyes but no break ups: I think that when we lose someone we deal with two aspects of the loss. Missing that person and the things we liked about them but also missing just having someone there to fill the role that person filled. So it's quite possible that she misses you and a lot of things specific to you, but also that she just misses having a relationship and is desperate enough to feel all those good feelings etc of a relationship that she's looking for any possibilities. Another difficult conclusion I came to once involving a guy that was very significant to me at the time even though we never dated, was something along the lines of it's possible he cared for me as much as he was capable of, but that he didn't have the resources in himself to care like I wanted him to. She may be in that same boat.

And of course at this point, her defensive walls are probably as far up as they can go. I'd imagine it was painful for her to feel like you were losing interest in her and she started going on the defensive then. And if she's a typical female she's probably doing the overanalyzing thing, wondering if you really mean what you say or if you're just being nice and saying things she wants to hear (doesn't matter how blunt you normally are, if something matters deeply to a lady she's likely trapped between wanting desperately for it to be true and being afraid to believe it because of how much it will hurt if it's not true).

So I hope this helps, but as I said I don't know that gal or her issues so feel free to throw it away if it doesn't. If I have any voice of reason type advice to give, it would be to be willing to continue the discussion so that you both can come to resolution and maybe you will uncover some of those answers you think you'll never have. And also that maybe the point of resolution shouldn't be so much do you still love each other as what is the course of action in regards to each other that you're going to agree on and implement.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

I'm trying to figure out how someone can behave this way. Did she ever really love me? If so why is she so unwilling to acknowledge anything of depth i say? Why is she so quick and eager to run off and find someone else?

It sounds like a coping mechanism. I'm not out to make this about me, but to relate to what you're going through (and back up what I just said about coping): My first ex hooked up with an old friend within a month after our breakup. We had been together for 4 years and were serious. She became seemingly indifferent towards me once things ended.

At the time I was confused, even bitter. Eventually I rationalized it how I could best reason it; that it was her way of coping. What you're describing with your former lady seems to parallel that. It's a poor way to process things, but MAYBE it's because she loves you, as she claims, that she's making the decisions she is.

In any case, it's a hard pill to swallow and you're still in our thoughts. If you haven't been direct about re-exploring things, try it. If she shoots it down or dances around it, maybe that will give you some closure(?) and help you move on. I chased my ex for too long; don't do that to yourself.

Also pray for my ex as i do worry about her right now as well.

That is awesome of you. Please keep that attitude. It's so much easier to give in to low lows, but it takes more out of you.

 

[Ugly]

But she's already told you that she doesn't want to be with you, so you do need to let go. It's not healthy to be thinking that maybe it could happen or that it was God's design. You are going to waste more time that way.



I don't think anyone knows how difficult it is until they've been through it themselves.

Sorry, maybe my answer was a bit harsh...but I thought that bluntness would help you since you know...that's the road you take when giving advice to others. Honestly, your bluntness helps me sometimes.

I'm just trying to help you out here as a friend.

I understand that. But, as i stated, your answer is overly simplistic. This concept that i can just easily and casually stop my emotions and move on like nothing happened is not realistic. And the situation is still fairly new. It's not like it's been months, it hasn't even been a month. And some of her actions since have fed the hurt even more.
If i'm still talking like this in 6 months, then yes, that's wasting time. But after a few weeks, chaotic weeks at that where i've had other things going on on top of this, then no, i'm not wasting time. I'm grieving.
I also didn't say i was waiting or expecting the relationship to reform. I simply said i was trying to resolve the idea that i had believed this was God's plan, with the fact that things went the way they did. No where did i say that i was waiting for the relationship to come back together. It's about trying to understand what's going on when something you believe and trust in and expect for a long period of time is suddenly, and without warning, changed, which changes your entire future.

This may sound mean, and i'm not saying it to be mean, but honestly you sound very naive and speaking as someone who has yet to experience any of the things i'm feeling or going through. My emotions don't turn on and off so easily. When drastic changes in my understanding of things and my future happen, i can't just snap my fingers and understand and accept it and go on my merry way as if my life and heart hadn't just been upturned.
If we applied your answer to other issues, do you think it would work? If you felt suicidal and someone said 'well, things could be worse for you, so quit feeling how you're feeling and move on with your life, because you're wasting time' do you think that would help you? Because that's what you're saying to me.

I've not been married, but i did live in a situation for years that was very much like marriage. I know and understand more about marriage than you think i do. Just being in a relationship gives you an idea. The visits to my ex gave me a taste of what it's like to be married, because i had long visits and saw how easy it is to become frustrated with one another. How important time apart is. How important doing things together and going out is. What compromise is. Trust me, i get it more than you think i do.

Your response didn't seem harsh to me at all. That's why the very first thing i said in my response was that i appreciated your taking time to respond and that i will consider some of what you said. It wasn't too blunt. I simply said your response seemed to lack understanding.

 

[Ugly]

Hey Ugly.

I can understand both views. I've been the person who has had to hear the words 'This isn't working out' when all seemed to be going so well and also the person who has said, 'This isn't working out' when the future seemed so bright.

Actually, when she first broke up with me i was so sick that i just wasn't able to process it or have many feelings. It wasn't until i was almost out of the hospital, nearly 2 weeks after, that it sank in and that i realized how much i had missed her. The first time i gave her any attitude was finding dating apps on her phone while i was still there visiting. And a few days later finding she was going on a date already. That's when i snapped and said some pretty bad things to her, which isn't normally how i am. I did apologize and, as i stated in my original post, sent her a long email showing her how much i really loved her when we were dating. So i was pretty good to her except for the one time. So at this point i feel fine with how i am treating her.
Much of this was in my original post, which i think you missed a lot being in a rush. My issue wasn't in how to treat her, but how to understand all that was going on and deal with the feelings i was having. I appreciate your taking the time, even in a rush, though.

 

[Tintin]

Again, all I can say is I really feel for you, brother and I'll be praying for you.

 

[Ugly]

It sounds like a coping mechanism. I'm not out to make this about me, but to relate to what you're going through (and back up what I just said about coping): My first ex hooked up with an old friend within a month after our breakup. We had been together for 4 years and were serious. She became seemingly indifferent towards me once things ended.

At the time I was confused, even bitter. Eventually I rationalized it how I could best reason it; that it was her way of coping. What you're describing with your former lady seems to parallel that. It's a poor way to process things, but MAYBE it's because she loves you, as she claims, that she's making the decisions she is.

In any case, it's a hard pill to swallow and you're still in our thoughts. If you haven't been direct about re-exploring things, try it. If she shoots it down or dances around it, maybe that will give you some closure(?) and help you move on. I chased my ex for too long; don't do that to yourself.


That is awesome of you. Please keep that attitude. It's so much easier to give in to low lows, but it takes more out of you.

Seems i keep hearing the same thing from people. I suppose that's a good sign, and one that makes things easier. Thank you.

 

[Tintin]

As for doing other stuff while driving, for the love of God, people - just concentrate on driving! I don't want to meet Jesus face-to-face just yet (well, I do, but you know what I mean). You may be an excellent driver, a world-class stuntman or stuntwoman, but other drivers/cyclists/pedestrians can be so unpredictable. Just drive.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

Seems i keep hearing the same thing from people. I suppose that's a good sign, and one that makes things easier. Thank you.

For sure. No matter how we might try to relate or give our two cents, we're still on the outside looking in. I just hope you have some support more than anything.

 

[MollyConnor]

As for doing other stuff while driving, for the love of God, people - just concentrate on driving! I don't want to meet Jesus face-to-face just yet (well, I do, but you know what I mean). You may be an excellent driver, a world-class stuntman or stuntwoman, but other drivers/cyclists/pedestrians can be so unpredictable. Just drive.

I agree! It's so scary and it's not worth killing yourself or someone else.
Here in SA, it's illegal to text and drive, and you will get a ticket if you do it.

 

[Tintin]

I agree! It's so scary and it's not worth killing yourself or someone else.
Here in SA, it's illegal to text and drive, and you will get a ticket if you do it.

Molly, it's the very same here in SA.

 

[BruceWayne]

This might be an idea for a new thread... "What can you do while driving?" Then again, maybe not. That thread might cause more accidents than a cloverleaf intersection.

Haha yeah... we don't want to give people any ideas. I don't do this anymore, but I used to drive with my knees lol. It was not uncommon for me to have a sandwich in one hand, drink in the other, and still be driving. :X I do keep it safe now though.

 

[blondieindahouse]

Im am so sorry you are hurting Ugly. Its not easily gotten over especially with the health problems you are enduring.
I have had my heart ripped out too. Sometimes its best to just let some time pass and fight like heck to lean on the Lord. Keep praying and let God do his miracles which ever he deems best. I am really so sorry you are hurting.
I pray God give you peace in your heart and understanding in this. Gods grace does abide. It may not be tomorrow morning but joy does come in the morning! Thank you for being so transparent. It speaks volumns about you. You are already half way there by your exuding humility. Merry Christmas!

 

[MollyConnor]

Ugly,

My answer may have been simplistic, but what's wrong with that? You need to control your emotions, it's Biblical. I know it's not easy but that's what you need to do. It will help you. I went through a difficult break up in 2009. I was so heart broken because I really thought this guy was the one I was going to marry. I went through a lot of time wasted on someone who didn't care about me. I just don't want you to do the same thing. I know you're grieving, but 1-2 weeks can quickly change to 6 months.

If we applied your answer to other issues, do you think it would work? If you felt suicidal and someone said 'well, things could be worse for you, so quit feeling how you're feeling and move on with your life, because you're wasting time' do you think that would help you? Because that's what you're saying to me.

Yes, it would and it did! My mom told me exactly those words about two years ago. Yes, sometimes I do get depressed for about a day but nothing compared to how I was before then. I haven't cut myself since Dec. of 2012.


I thank my mom for telling me that because it's true! I am so blessed and have so much that God has given me, why should I be depressed? That's the way I started seeing things and it has helped out a lot. I now have a job as a tutor, I help out at church, and I'm going to school full time in something I never thought I would be able to understand. And this is all thanks to my mom for telling me like it is and God for helping me along the way.

Before that I was always at home, sad, working jobs that I didn't enjoy, and wanting to hurt myself. Sometimes simple, naive ideas, can help large, complex problems like that ones I had.

Sorry, I just thought it was going to help you like it did for me.

Molly, it's the very same here in SA.

Haha we both live in SA huh?