I responded to an altar call when I was young and set out on the christian path. What I didn't know then was, I tried to attain heaven EXACTLY as Paul the Pharisee did. Do you understand that? I was in earnest not to commit sin in order to attain heaven. Again I couldn't at that age relate it to law keeping or much more, for i understood little. But i was determined to live a pure and holy life for God.
The first thing I noticed was I became sin conscious. On the outside I could appear to be the perfect christian, but in the inside I started to become heavy and depressed because I knew on the inside I could not be sinless. My personality became affected, I wasn't such a nice person anymore because of the inner turmoil. I had no peace, whereas before I became a christian I did have peace. Sin grew in me at a rapid rate. In a sense I was dying.
Now I know of grace I can look back at that time and see clearly concerning it. How should i describe that tine of my life when I in reality tried to attain heaven as a Pharisee? How could I now rooted in the christian faith describe it?
I hadn't known sin before the law came to me. I hadn't known lust before the commandment/ law came to me. But through knowledge of the law or commandment all manner of concupiscence was aroused in me.
I had felt alive before the law came to me, but when it did come sin( consciousness) sprang to life in me and i died. The commandment that was ordained( in my view) to give me life( if i obeyed it) instead brought death( for i could not keep it)
Sin through the law had slew me
However I know there wad nothing wrong with Gods good and holy laws, the problem was my sin
Like I say, at the time I did not know this/ I could not have reasoned or seen that was what happened. But now as a christian looking back on my past when I tried to attain heaven as a Pharisee i can see it.
You simply don't understand, few do.