Where is the Line Between Self-Care and Vanity?

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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
16,436
5,382
113
#1
Hey Everyone,

In order to avoid derailing another thread, I wanted to start a separate discussion as to how different people define taking care of oneself vs. plain old vanity.

I had mentioned in another thread that due to health issues in my past, I had problems with large, boil-like breakouts on my face. After many years of battling this, I was left with some red spots and scars--that I personally choose to cover up with makeup.

I also had a lot of work done on my teeth--partly for health reasons (correcting an overbite), and partly for what some would see as pure vanity (correcting discolorations.) I grew up in an era of toothpaste commercials that were fixated on telling people that it was absolutely vital to get rid of any tartar stains on their teeth. One day at school, a popular boy announced to me in front of everyone, "You know, if you actually brushed your teeth... you could get rid of those tartar stains."

The "stains" on my teeth were actually just their natural color. The dentist told my mom that my birth mother probably became very ill or took certain medications while carrying me, and this caused the marbled discolorations on my teeth.

And so, when I got older, I chose to "fix" this. Like most other people, I had an entire list of things I wanted to "fix", such as being Asian, because I was tired of people slanting their eyes at me and calling me "The Little Chinese Girl". (Just the other day, a co-worker asked, "Are you from Japan or China?" because, as we all know, there are only two Asian countries in the entire world. :rolleyes:)

I used to daydream about getting blue contacts, dyeing my hair blonde, and having my eyes "fixed" (which over 90% of women do in Korea) so that they were "round" and not "slanted". When I was around 12-18 years old, if I would have had unlimited funds, I would have begged my parents to do anything they could to make me look "white" like them. (I am adopted.)

Clearly, there were lines here between taking care of myself, correcting some things I was uncomfortable with, and all-out vanity.

I've met Christians who will automatically call "The Vanity Card" on anyone who does anything to change their "natural" self, including wearing makeup, dyeing their hair, having dental work done, or maintaining a hairstyle that requires more than just a comb. Some Christians say exercise is wrong because it's putting too much emphasis on the physical body, which is just a shell that will pass away.

However, something I always want to say to people who believe that (and it's not necessarily wrong) is, "What are you doing personally to help prevent/correct the bullying/criticism that goes on that makes people feel as if they have to change themselves? If you say, 'Your identity in Christ is enough,' then, what are you doing to help someone become comfortable enough in their faith to not feel the pressure of 'vanity'?" I understand there is a balance and that Christ should be our #1 priority. But I also personally believe that as a Christian, I have a personal responsibility to look out for those who bullied, especially when it comes to looks. (I'm guilty of being on both sides and hope God is continually working on me about that.)

Where are your personal limits between self-care and vanity?

As singles (though married are welcome to answer too), I think there is a special twist to this question, because most of us understand that in order to attract a future spouse, we have to maintain ourselves and keep ourselves looking good. As holy as people try to be, physical appearance still matters. So... how much attention should we pay to our physical appearance, and where are the limits as to what we can change?

This discussion is meant to be about your own personal convictions, beliefs, and observations only. I would like to ask that we refrain from criticizing others' beliefs and treat all answers as a statement of one's own personal walk with God.

Thanks so much for your consideration and I'm looking forward to your answers! :)
 
C

coby

Guest
#2
I lately saw that parents corrected the ears of their kid. It's stupid that it has to be done because otherwise he gets bullied, but that's how it is today. Think I'd do it too.
Nowadays I most of the time couldn't care less how I look. Put my hair in a messy knot, no make up, even mascara is too much effort, but everyone here walks around like that. It's considered normal. Don't think I'd visit an American church like that dressed in denim lol. I'd have to buy clothes. I think it's not bad to want to fit in a bit and not have everyone stare at you, but you can go too far. Sometimes I think: come on, your mother appreciates it. Do a bit of effort and have some mascara and put out that horrible knot. It's also because I'm single. What do I care how I look?
I used to be very concerned with my looks. When I was in a relationship, my goodness, so totally insecure. If I see those pics I think: oh my goodness. Red lipstick, hair puffed up, a dress lol and that in Holland.
Don't feel bad if you use make up or want to color your hair, it's not wrong or sin, but what helped me feel better, since my dad was cute but not really good with compliments and making you feel look good, I went to a church where James Jordan was. Imparting the Love of the Father, that He thinks you're beautiful. Really healed me up.
 
U

Ultimatum77

Guest
#3
Hey Everyone,

In order to avoid derailing another thread, I wanted to start a separate discussion as to how different people define taking care of oneself vs. plain old vanity.

I had mentioned in another thread that due to health issues in my past, I had problems with large, boil-like breakouts on my face. After many years of battling this, I was left with some red spots and scars--that I personally choose to cover up with makeup.

I also had a lot of work done on my teeth--partly for health reasons (correcting an overbite), and partly for what some would see as pure vanity (correcting discolorations.) I grew up in an era of toothpaste commercials that were fixated on telling people that it was absolutely vital to get rid of any tartar stains on their teeth. One day at school, a popular boy announced to me in front of everyone, "You know, if you actually brushed your teeth... you could get rid of those tartar stains."

The "stains" on my teeth were actually just their natural color. The dentist told my mom that my birth mother probably became very ill or took certain medications while carrying me, and this caused the marbled discolorations on my teeth.

And so, when I got older, I chose to "fix" this. Like most other people, I had an entire list of things I wanted to "fix", such as being Asian, because I was tired of people slanting their eyes at me and calling me "The Little Chinese Girl". (Just the other day, a co-worker asked, "Are you from Japan or China?" because, as we all know, there are only two Asian countries in the entire world. :rolleyes:)

I used to daydream about getting blue contacts, dyeing my hair blonde, and having my eyes "fixed" (which over 90% of women do in Korea) so that they were "round" and not "slanted". When I was around 12-18 years old, if I would have had unlimited funds, I would have begged my parents to do anything they could to make me look "white" like them. (I am adopted.)

Clearly, there were lines here between taking care of myself, correcting some things I was uncomfortable with, and all-out vanity.

I've met Christians who will automatically call "The Vanity Card" on anyone who does anything to change their "natural" self, including wearing makeup, dyeing their hair, having dental work done, or maintaining a hairstyle that requires more than just a comb. Some Christians say exercise is wrong because it's putting too much emphasis on the physical body, which is just a shell that will pass away.

However, something I always want to say to people who believe that (and it's not necessarily wrong) is, "What are you doing personally to help prevent/correct the bullying/criticism that goes on that makes people feel as if they have to change themselves? If you say, 'Your identity in Christ is enough,' then, what are you doing to help someone become comfortable enough in their faith to not feel the pressure of 'vanity'?" I understand there is a balance and that Christ should be our #1 priority. But I also personally believe that as a Christian, I have a personal responsibility to look out for those who bullied, especially when it comes to looks. (I'm guilty of being on both sides and hope God is continually working on me about that.)

Where are your personal limits between self-care and vanity?

As singles (though married are welcome to answer too), I think there is a special twist to this question, because most of us understand that in order to attract a future spouse, we have to maintain ourselves and keep ourselves looking good. As holy as people try to be, physical appearance still matters. So... how much attention should we pay to our physical appearance, and where are the limits as to what we can change?

This discussion is meant to be about your own personal convictions, beliefs, and observations only. I would like to ask that we refrain from criticizing others' beliefs and treat all answers as a statement of one's own personal walk with God.

Thanks so much for your consideration and I'm looking forward to your answers! :)
Your disclaimer is awesome:
This discussion is meant to be about your own personal convictions, beliefs, and observations only. I would like to ask that we refrain from criticizing others' beliefs and treat all answers as a statement of one's own personal walk with God.

It screams "lets keep the peace people" with a huge megaphone image lol...

okay back to your question....it is a fine line between vanity and lets say "maintenance"
Vanity is constantly wanting attention/being extra flashy with excessive jewelry (*note jewelry is fine) I'm talking about those who like to "over glitz" everything....

Maintenance = Looking presentable but not over flashy/slobbish..

For me, I don't like being the center of attention...so I go with something "average" like a loose t shirt and jeans/pants, no makeup, no hair gel, basic buzzcut, and no "axe" I hate those dumb @$$ guys who spray axe all over the fricking place like a gas chamber...axe gives me a headache literally...so instead I wear some deodorant and maybe 1-2 shots of cologne that's it...I don't spray myself down like other guys I know to attract people when really people can smell them a mile away.....

Really I think the underlying issue is how one perceives themself...
If someone feels inadequate they will compensate by trying to overdo themself...with all sorts of things like fancy clothes jewelry...

My basic premise in life and one that I have strongly increased due to more maturity is to always be myself...what you see is what you get nothing more nothing less....I don't particularly feel the need to "impress" someone anymore....my response is "if you don't like me that's nice I don't care...i'm happy with myself" you feel less pressure on yourself and less of a need to impress others when you're confident in Christ and in who you are as a person....:)

As for bullying it is sad but it happens, you shouldn't feel the need to change your eyes or hair color etc....people will say that because they are shallow and are what I've heard called empty suits....people all about the outside but no core character/spiritual values....my advice don't dwell on it, shut it out and move on....not everyone will like you, it is a simple fact of life...but it's best to think to yourself "hey its their loss" if you're a good person worth hanging out with...

I've had people call me all sorts of things before....my mindset is "okay that's nice I have bigger fish to fry today you're stupidity is not going to hinder or stop me from my goal" I have to say, saying that to myself motivates me to work even harder....you can use negativity to fuel some more positivity in that way...I hope i made sense :)
 
C

coby

Guest
#4
Axe_Effect.jpg
........
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#5
Good question, Kim! And one I honestly am not sure how to answer. Anyone can say "there's a balance" - but what exactly does it look like? I take care of myself, yet not as well as others; some might berate me for that, while others might say the effort I do put in is vanity. It's all pretty subjective.

seoulsearch said:
(Just the other day, a co-worker asked, "Are you from Japan or China?" because, as we all know, there are only two Asian countries in the entire world. )
 
C

crosstweed

Guest
#6
Both Peter and Paul addressed this issue and said that people (women, particularly) need to focus on adorning the Gospel instead of drawing attention to themselves through personal adornment.

Which means that we have to dress and take care of ourselves in a way that adorns the Gospel. Ergo, we must dress appropriately, which to me means not too fancy or weirdly (because let's face it, a lot of "dressing to suit your special personality" is just another funky brand of vanity), not slovenly, or blah (I have different days where I need to work on all of these).

I don't consider something like getting stains removed from your teeth a "vain" thing, depending on your motives, because it's eliminating a source of insecurity. There are a lot of aesthetic procedures that I think are completely loathsome when done for the wrong reasons, but I think have their place under certain circumstances (for example, if a girl was born with a very unusually large nose - not due to a health problem - and she was teased mercilessly about it in school so much that it just always bothered her afterward, I'm not going to shout her down if she goes and gets it adjusted at some point. I'm just not.)

Makeup? I wouldn't know. I only use a touch of concealer every few months and the occasional color-tinted Carmex.

So far as the day to day... I think that we need to be very careful not to neglect ourselves, and to also be careful not to spend an excessive amount of time fussing over ourselves. We're supposed to be good stewards of our bodies and our time (still working on that one... baby steps. Baby steps...).
 

spunkycat08

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#7
As for exercising...

I was told by my doctor that I have to exercise due to my cholesterol level being elevated. This happened back in November 2015 after I had my yearly physical.

So exercise can be done for health reasons, and not just for vanity reasons.

I would hope that a Christian would realize this and follow doctor orders.

My husband has to exercise due to his diabetes.

Both of us are Christians who want to stay healthy.
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#8
I don't consider something like getting stains removed from your teeth a "vain" thing, depending on your motives, because it's eliminating a source of insecurity. There are a lot of aesthetic procedures that I think are completely loathsome when done for the wrong reasons, but I think have their place under certain circumstances (for example, if a girl was born with a very unusually large nose - not due to a health problem - and she was teased mercilessly about it in school so much that it just always bothered her afterward, I'm not going to shout her down if she goes and gets it adjusted at some point. I'm just not.)
Within a Christian/extremist worldview, I would think any and all aesthetic concerns would be viewed as vanity. Smaller nose = security? White teeth = improved self worth? Isn't a Christian's identity found in Jesus? If the time and money invested in these are not building God's kingdom and honoring Jesus' example, is it not vanity? (I sounded like pwrnJC there for a sec - sorry!)

Mind you, I'm not making an argument for or against that thinking. I think you're really bright, cross! So I have a question for you: HOW DO I STOP MY BODY FROM PRODUCING SO MUCH MUCUS? :(
 
C

crosstweed

Guest
#9
Within a Christian/extremist worldview, I would think any and all aesthetic concerns would be viewed as vanity. Smaller nose = security? White teeth = improved self worth? Isn't a Christian's identity found in Jesus? If the time and money invested in these are not building God's kingdom and honoring Jesus' example, is it not vanity? (I sounded like pwrnJC there for a sec - sorry!)

Mind you, I'm not making an argument for or against that thinking. I think you're really bright, cross! So I have a question for you: HOW DO I STOP MY BODY FROM PRODUCING SO MUCH MUCUS? :(
I understand what you're saying. And I honestly don't think it's the best way to deal with it, but at the same time...

Being a Christian doesn't stop you from being a human. Sometimes being effected negatively by those things can fade with time and prayer, and you can become more comfortable with yourself. But there are some people who just have so many negative memories and hurts that they associate with it that... I don't know. I'm just not going to call someone out for trying to fix something that embarrasses them.

Nose or lungs?
 
C

coby

Guest
#10
As for exercising...

I was told by my doctor that I have to exercise due to my cholesterol level being elevated. This happened back in November 2015 after I had my yearly physical.

So exercise can be done for health reasons, and not just for vanity reasons.

I would hope that a Christian would realize this and follow doctor orders.

My husband has to exercise due to his diabetes.

Both of us are Christians who want to stay healthy.
Exercising or sports is always good. I don't exercise because I bike enough and don't like it. But someone I know exercised extreme to look good with his muscles, 9 hours a day and God said: if I ask you to fast you did it all for nothing. Then he stopped, but later he did it a tiny bit to stay healthy, because he did nothing anymore.
When my shoulder hurt I had to exercise. Worked very good. My back also hurt, totally gone by just training a bit.
 
H

Hellooo

Guest
#11
I used to daydream about getting blue contacts, dyeing my hair blonde, and having my eyes "fixed" (which over 90% of women do in Korea) so that they were "round" and not "slanted". When I was around 12-18 years old, if I would have had unlimited funds, I would have begged my parents to do anything they could to make me look "white" like them. (I am adopted.)
We talked a little bit about this once, seoul, but I used to think of my hair as something that needed 'fixing' from curls, chemically straightening it from when I was very young up until a few years ago. I asked my mom why ever she started me on it in the first place, and her response was because *I* loved it so much and it made me happy to have straight hair like other girls, which was kind of a startling revelation.
It's weird now, I got my hair flat ironed over new years so that I could get the ends of my hair trimmed, and I really didn't like the effect, it didn't feel like me looking back in the mirror (thankfully it's easily reversible with humidity and water). I must have been crazy.
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#12
I understand what you're saying. And I honestly don't think it's the best way to deal with it, but at the same time...

Being a Christian doesn't stop you from being a human. Sometimes being effected negatively by those things can fade with time and prayer, and you can become more comfortable with yourself. But there are some people who just have so many negative memories and hurts that they associate with it that... I don't know. I'm just not going to call someone out for trying to fix something that embarrasses them.

Nose or lungs?
Is it safe to assume (is it ever) that you can relate to those types of memories, maybe?

Nose, yo.
 
C

crosstweed

Guest
#13
Is it safe to assume (is it ever) that you can relate to those types of memories, maybe?

Nose, yo.
Nothing that would fall under that dramatic a category, but societies have spent thousands of years telling women they have to look a certain way in order to be accepted. It's getting worse and now the guys are feeling it, too. And it has to do with more than just "feeling good about yourself" and whatnot; it's reality and it has an effect on your life. Beautiful people get paid more. Beautiful people are more popular. Beautiful are more desired by the opposite gender. It's just biology. Sometimes there are real consequences for not meeting society's expectations. We say it shouldn't be that way, but that doesn't change the way it is. I remember I was watching Castle a few years ago (of all places to hear this), and there was one scene where his mother looks at him and says "Every woman has some part of her body that she hates." That's the honest truth. I know there are probably a few girls out there who don't feel that way (an awful lot pretend, but don't actually believe it), but I've never met one. All of my female friends (mostly Christian girls) have something about themselves that really bothers them. "My butt is too small." "I wish I wasn't so petite and small. I hate it." "I feel like my head is too big for my body." "My nose is too big." "I was lifting weights at school yesterday and I was so proud of myself for how much I was lifting and then a girl came up to me and said, "You have big thighs, Olivia."" "I wish I wasn't so pale. People comment on it all the time." "I have bird legs."

I've literally heard all of these and a dozen others. These girls aren't complainers or dissatisfied with life; it's just part of being women raised in a skin-deep society.


Good question... I've been taking a ridiculous menagerie of pills and meds to deal with whatever it is that I've gotten, and it seems to help although I couldn't tell you which one seems to be helping the most: Sambucus elderberry syrup, a probiotic, the occasional Sudafed (the little red kind) and ibuprofen as needed, Theraflu cough strips as needed, vitamins C and B, melt-on-your-tongue zinc tablets, Boerick & Taffe cough syrup... trying to minimize sugar intake, drinking water constantly, and sleeping as much as studies will permit. I think that's it... :rolleyes:
 
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cmarieh

Guest
#14
Kim, I can totally relate with you on the teeth as I always felt self conscious about mine. Mine were horrible and looking back at pictures still makes me cringe. I had a bad overbite and will admit the teeth were so crooked and had teeth coming in on top of each other because I didn't have room for them. However my sophomore year of high school my grandparents on my mom's side said they wanted to pay to put my braces on my teeth and all the dental appointments. I ended up with head gear and the whole nine yards not to mention permanent retainers. Thankfully, I got them off a week before graduation and ever since then I am avid about taking care of them and always grateful my grandparents helped boost my self esteem by improving my smile and no I don't see it as being done in vain.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,464
2,692
113
#15
kim be making me think too much today!!! lol :)

i don't know where the line is. as for me, for the longest time, i had low self esteem, and so i didn't take care of myself. i felt like i didn't deserve to look pretty because i didn't believe i was pretty. i also believed it was going to take A LOT of work to make myself look pretty, so i just gave up before even starting.

one time, my friend put make up on me for fun. i received a lot of compliments that day from friends (i was at a youth convention, so my group said i looked very pretty with make up). it was nice to hear it, but at the same time, it messed with my head because i rarely (if ever) was complimented before. i understand that it was nice to see a change in me, but i really was confused because no one ever said i was pretty before the make up.

but today, i don't wear make up simply because i don't want to lol.

i also have crooked teeth. my parents couldn't afford braces when i was growing up. a couple of years ago, i decided to get an estimate on getting them, but i chose not to do it. they were going to remove 2 wisdom teeth and 2 molars, and it was mad expensive. i came to this conclusion: no one made fun of my teeth in my formative years (well, at least not to my face lol), and i have a healthy self esteem now, so i'm ok :)

side note: i'm not saying getting braces is wrong. :)
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#16
Good question... I've been taking a ridiculous menagerie of pills and meds to deal with whatever it is that I've gotten, and it seems to help although I couldn't tell you which one seems to be helping the most: Sambucus elderberry syrup, a probiotic, the occasional Sudafed (the little red kind) and ibuprofen as needed, Theraflu cough strips as needed, vitamins C and B, melt-on-your-tongue zinc tablets, Boerick & Taffe cough syrup... trying to minimize sugar intake, drinking water constantly, and sleeping as much as studies will permit. I think that's it... :rolleyes:
I've resigned myself to stuffing my nose with toilet paper instead for the time being. It cracks me up that I'm saying I have toilet paper hanging out of my noise after discussing vanity. lol...

Thanks for being so candid. :)
 
C

crosstweed

Guest
#17
I've resigned myself to stuffing my nose with toilet paper instead for the time being. It cracks me up that I'm saying I have toilet paper hanging out of my noise after discussing vanity. lol...

Thanks for being so candid. :)
LOL We used to have a roll of toilet paper in our classroom because we didn't have any Kleenex in there. One day we were all reading along with the teacher and suddenly he stopped, looked up, and groaned and put his head in his hands. I looked around and I couldn't figure out what was going on until I remembered I had toilet paper hanging out both nostrils. Pretty sure that image got burned into his mind.
Thx for the rep, by the way. :)
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,834
981
113
34
#18
Pride. *drops the mic* lol :p
 

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
Aug 2, 2009
24,644
4,305
113
#19
I'm not sure where the line is between self care and vanity. I'll have to think about it today while I pick out a good loofah...
 

Pipp

Majestic Llamacorn
Sep 17, 2013
5,542
2,720
113
Georgia
#20
I totally understand what you mean. I personally am insulin resistant and if I don't "diet" then I'll continually gain weight... forever. I cannot process sugar and I'm not diabetic. I don't think it would please God for me to let myself get to a place where I have to be taken care of by others cause I'm too big to do it myself. This is a have to. According to some people who don't know my story... I'm just trying to be vain and not be "body positive " Now if I actively tried to rid myself of my freckles just cause I don't like them... that would be vain :p