Hi goddslife,
I was thinking about this thread today at work. I hope I'm not just rehashing something others have said--I've tried to keep up but may have missed a few posts.
I was thinking of some of the times when a person's looks (or the results that came with it) are mentioned in the Bible.
I truly believe beauty is a gift from God. For reasons unknown to us, God gives different gifts in different amounts to different people (just like money and intelligence), but of course, all gifts from God are good and can be used for His glory.
Here are some examples I was thinking of:
* Sarah, the wife of Abraham, and Rebekah, the wife of his son Isaac, were beautiful. However, this caused them much grief because other men noticed them, too, and you know what their husbands did? They each said, "Here, you can have her--she's not my wife, she's my sister. Just don't kill me and you can take her."
But God remembered these women and saved them. They must have been VERY beautiful, because they were catching the eyes of men of power, prestige, and wealth, and these were the kinds of men who wanted the best and most beautiful of everything.
* Joseph was noticed by Potipher's wife because the Bible says he was "well-built, and handsome"--and then spent 2 years in prison because he refused her and she falsely accused him.
I have often wondered if these well-known Biblical figures had days when they wished they were "plain" enough to not be noticed in this way.
Your post also reminded me of 2 people I used to know:
* One was extremely good-looking, but had gone through much abuse from a young age because of it, then got into drug abuse in order to cope, and eventually learned to use their looks to manipulate others for drugs. This person enjoyed the advantages they received from their looks, but felt as if no one ever saw them as more than a hollow shell.
* The second person I'm thinking of was formerly very good-looking, and did not start out as a Christian. In their younger days, this person spent all their time and energy attracting the opposite sex--it was common for them to go to a party with one person and then leave with someone else.
By the time this person became a Christian and got married, they had put on about 60 pounds and the signs of aging, such as gray hair, wrinkles, and aging (partially due to the party lifestyle, heavy smoking, etc.) had set in. But this person said that although they missed the attention from their former years, it was also a blessing because the lack of attention helped keep this person faithful to their spouse.
Now, I am not in any way saying trying to say that any of this applies to your own life!! But what I'm trying to say is, there are definitely others who feel the way you do, have the same questions, and are struggling with the same things as you. Do you have a home church where you might be able to talk to someone about these feelings? I know that finding someone who can relate is always helpful.
If nothing else, know that even people in the Bible may have struggled with what you're dealing with right now, and God Himself surely understands as well. I hope you find peace in telling Him all your pains, worries, and struggles, and I will be praying for you as well.
Thank you for sharing with us, and God bless.