Godsslife,
I have pretty much been the opposite of what you describe in your posts my whole life. To be completely honest, for a good part of my life, I've wanted to be like you.
I'm the nerdy, nose-in-a-book girl... who always wished she was "the pretty one". The times in my life when I did attract a guy's attention (not for the way I dressed or looked, but usually because of my sense of humor and expression of thought), I often felt like I had to grab on to his interest and never let go, or else no other guy would ever pay attention to me again and I would forever be alone.
I can relate to a lot of what you've posted about (here and in other threads) from the perspective of receiving attention--maybe you feel you're getting too much of it, and someone like me always felt invisible, but the root of the feelings might be very similar--a preoccupation with attention. I always felt that without it, I'd be missing out, and would always be alone... But in your posts you point out that even having lots of attention doesn't cure loneliness or empty feelings, but in fact, can contribute to them. I am wondering how you would feel if all the attention stopped? Because I understand that it can be very addictive and hard to let go of.
I believe this is why so many people out there participate in things such as catfishing--they're addicted to the attention it brings them and cant' let it go.
I know one thing that's helped me, and I hope that maybe it can help you too, is to ask God to help you with the issue of attention. I'm still in that process myself. I feel very blessed to have friends, so for me, it's not about being the center of attention, but rather, a fear that I'll never attract the right man because I'm invisible next to the "pretty" girls with impressive careers and "too good to be true" lifestyles.
I keep asking God to change my heart, to make the things He sees as important be the most important to me instead of thinking I need to keep looking for the "the right one" when what my heart really needs to seek is "the right One" (meaning God.)
To be honest, I'm still struggling--a lot at times--but I know God has moved me into a place where I'm much calmer than I was before, and one of the great things is that I feel less and less of a need for people's approval. Most of the threads I write here are hypothetical discussions, not issues I'm actually struggling with in my own life, because God has been faithful to work with me.
And I know He'll help you too.
I know it's been suggested to you a couple of different times in your threads, but finding an older Christian woman who can relate to what you're going through might be a real blessing!
Keep seeking, Godsslife. I know you probably feel like not many people understand. Having the courage to say, "God's blessed me with looks, and I'm not sure how to handle it," is a lot like someone who might say, "I have a lot of money, but I'm not sure how to handle it"--very few people, if any, will have sympathy on these types of situations because they themselves with they had more looks or money and don't think someone who has them could have "real" problems. Finding someone who is going through or has been through the same thing would really be helpful, because they would understand all the criticism you're going through as well.
But EVERYTHING that troubles us is valid to God (He says to cast ALL our cares on Him, not just the ones other people deem as "important enough"), and beauty is one of God's gifts (the Bible says Job's daughters, given in replacement of the ones he lost, were THE most beautiful in the land.)
We are all blessed with different things in different measures, and we ALL struggle with how to use those blessings in the correct way. Keep asking, seeking, and knocking, Godsslife.
You are not alone in your feelings, and God will not leave you with a gift He will not help you learn to use for His glory.
God bless you and *big hugs*.
