Ladies: How Important Is It to Feel Protected in a Relationship?

seoulsearch · May 22, 2016

Hey everyone,

We all know that there are times in life when we feel as if we need someone to have our back. I'd like to hear the ladies' thoughts about what it means to feel protected in a relationship, and how a sense of protection is expressed within a relationship. (Guys, don't worry, I'm going to write a second thread just for you, and you are most welcome to share your thoughts in this thread as well.)

Once upon a time when I was married and in college, there was a local news story about a girl who had been kidnapped by gunpoint in the parking lot of a local store at 2 PM while walking out to her car. This store also happened to be the one I went to every week for our groceries at the time.

My then-husband saw this article and told me that from now on, he didn't want me going to the store alone, and that he wanted me to wait until I could go with him. I grumbled at first because, well, you know, I was trying to be the tough, independent woman, but secretly, the fact that my safety was so important to him made me feel incredibly loved.

This world can sometimes be a scary place. In the many years that I've now been single, there have been so many times when I've wished I had someone to walk with me across dark parking lots, or I've been situations in which my safety was jeopardized (due to situations beyond my control.) I long to feel as if someone "has my back."

But then I stop and realize that even if I DID have a significant other, it's not like he could be with me 24/7 anyway, or that he could save me from every situation. I strive towards always becoming stronger, more self-sufficient, and able to do things on my own, but there is a part of me that wishes I didn't always have to feel as if I have try to be so tough all the time.

I would like to know:

* Ladies, what makes you feel protected? (Physically, emotionally, and spiritually?)

* How important is it to you that you feel protected within a relationship? And what are the things others do around you for for you that make you feel protected?

* Gentlemen: how would you show your girlfriend/wife that you "had her back" and are there to look out for her?

These are just a few of the points I was thinking about regarding protection--feel free to add any other thoughts of your own.

Please feel free to add any thoughts of your own.

Yeraza_Bats · May 22, 2016

I feel weird posting here when no one else has yet...... But I often think about this very thing so kinda wanted to share.

But yeah, I often hear this from people, that ysou have to protect the girl youre with and like when doing something with a girl, someone will always tell you "you take care of her, now" or something along those lines. And it always makes me feel weird : p Like, I am a male and junk, but I really dont have that like mindset of being like invincible and capable to do or take on anything : p I know that Im not the strongest person in the world, that Im not a born fighter at all, Im not real big or anything, and that I often worry about taking care or protecting myself with things like walking to work at 3 am in the city : p So I always feel really odd when people say stuff like that either to me or just in general. Im really not superman, I cant stress that enough : p

Before anyone takes that the wrong way now, I would like to say that Im not angry about that or "against" it or whatever. I do think there are neccissary roles we play. Say, we have to work on something together, like a female and I. If a part of the job is having to move something heavy, Im clearly the right person for the job : p So yeah Im not gonna look at her and say "well, get to it" : p So I definitely agree that there are important roles and responsibilities that should be carried out. And if I were with a girl, Id work to provide and take care of her, obviously : p But like feeling pressured to do it, or like "this is your job, dont let us down" kinda stuff, it always makes me feel weird. Im by no means invincible and I work hard just to take care of myself. So I dont totally enjoy having to deal with that junk : p

Oh, but I could never be with a woman who actually treated me that way. Like, a girl who says things like "youre the man, do it" kinda stuff. I find that to be very rude and not cool. I dont do that with women when it comes to roles they follow. So I wouldnt be okay with a woman doing that with me. I will take care of the woman Im with because I love her, obviously. I wouldnt feel that love is being returned if she treated me like that.
Of course, most women wouldnt act that way : p Its just something I wouldnt be okay with.

Lynx · May 22, 2016

Nobody can be with you at all times, so you have to depend on God to protect you.

Someone was gonna juke this thread... the topic is just begging for a juke. So there it is. Now we can move on to the real discussion.

seoulsearch · May 22, 2016

Lynx said:

Now THIS Is a prime example.

*reaches out to choke Lynx*

Lynx is going to need someone to protect him from ME.

Hellooo · May 22, 2016

seoulsearch said:

The thing that makes me feel 'safe' or 'protected' in a relationship is when a man emphasizes that we belong to each other....from subtle things like using "we/us" in conversation, to not shying away from discussing future plans (within reason), being comfortable with initiating affection, not shutting down during conflict.

Feeling physically safe, for myself, has typically been unrelated to being in a relationship. I consider myself street savvy enough to listen to fearful/suspicious feelings and act on them.
On kind of a different note, I was very recently reminded several times of how someone else's strength can push you to overcome your fears to do things you believe you are physically incapable of doing...it's so gratifying and touching when you take a chance on someone else and it pays off after being accustomed to having your own back, and primarily relying on yourself

LiJo · May 22, 2016

*Ladies, what makes you feel protected? (Physically, emotionally, and spiritually?)

Physically - When my BF is mindful to never put me in an unsafe situation....always walking me to my car, he walks on the outside, assessing surrounding environments making sure it's a safe environment for me/us.

Emotionally - I feel emotionally safe when I know I can be honest expressing my feelings, goals, desires, fear or just being silly without judgement.

Spiritually - I feel spiritually safe knowing that our love for God is strong, it's the foundation for our relationship, our goal is to keep Jesus as the center of our relationship always.

Mitspa · May 22, 2016

A man of God should be like the good shepherd ..gentle with the flock and brutal to the wolves that would cause harm to those God has put under his protection.

SweetSue · May 22, 2016

I agree with what LiJo and Mitspa said.

cinder · May 22, 2016

seoulsearch said:

First off, let's give the guys a whole lot of grace because I for one know I can be quite difficult, and while in rare moments I might admit it's nice to feel looked out for and protected, in practice navigating the path between insulting my competence and ability and being so overprotective that you seem a bit controlling would be tough for any guy just trying to do right by me.

So I don't know if I'd define it as protection, but feeling safe and confident enough in a guy to be able to really trust him is pretty important for developing a relationship. That means I want him to have similar morals and a high value and respect for the Bible. We need to be on the same page spiritually, if I'm going to not be questioning his spiritual leadership. It also means he needs to be the one who reminds me of all my good points when I get down on myself and overly perfectionistic. And it means I need to see him stand his ground on the things he considers important and follow through on his intentions and word on a regular basis. He doesn't have to be quarrelsome or always crusading for a cause, but I need to know that there are some things he feels strongly enough about that he's not going to give way just to keep the peace.

I think that's a good start for impossibly vague ideals. Truly good guys rock.

Donkeyfish07 · May 22, 2016

Get yourself one of these

Lynx · May 22, 2016

Shoot, these days you can 3D print yourself a gun. Any color you want.

Rosesrock · May 22, 2016

Great question. Again *wave* married women here but my needs have changed over the years so be aware of that in your seeking relationships.
Feeling protected.
If my husband is meeting my spiritual needs my emotional and physical needs will follow. So I pray for his spiritual growth, protection, and wisdom to do what God wants him to do.
Feel safe is different.
My husband is a gun owner, lover and has made sure each family member knows how to protect themselves. He may not be around to do the job so he's taught us well.

Emotionally we have grown together. I used to want someone even with me who thought the same things. In my growth and age, maturity I have learned I needed someone much stronger than me spiritually. Now I'm not saying I'm the weak one. I'm saying that that's what I needed.

I'll share a story. A few years ago I was hit with depression harder than I'm willing to admit. As I struggled through I prayed and prayed. I didn't even know where to begin. All I could pray at times was... Trust in the Lord with all thine heart.
I woke up one night and my husband stood over me praying for me. He had been there for awhile by the way the tears soaked the sheets. A man that will pray for me for something he didn't even understand. That's a man that will protect me and what belongs to him.

renewed_hope · May 22, 2016

Being protected whether it be the man or woman in the relationship is so important and is of value. I believe the man needs to know the woman will defend him, be faithful and will stand by his side even though it seems the world is falling apart all around them. They just define protection in a different manner than us ladies do.

As for me personally I need those same things. Since I was little I've always loved holding a man's hand, hearing their voice, and something about their height makes me feel protected.

I will have to agree with Mitspa here and Rose touched on this as well, but it's important that a man is soft at the core, but fierce when it comes to defending what is rightfully his

zeroturbulence · May 22, 2016

Any man who doesn't make his lady feel protected is not worth his salt.

crosstweed · May 23, 2016

Feeling protected in a relationship is extremely important to me. If I can't trust someone to be willing to have my back emotionally, spiritually, and when I'm walking down the street... I don't think it would be much of a relationship. (You will notice that I said "willing to have my back". Humans are not perfect and they will fail you occasionally, even when they put forth their best efforts for you.)

Those three things - emotional, physical, and spiritual - are closely connected, and all together (not individually) comprise feeling/being "safe."

- If he can't/won't protect me spiritually (not to say that he assumes total responsibility for my personal walk with God, but rather is willing to watch out for me and help me and won't neglect me spiritually), then he won't be able to properly protect me emotionally.

- If he won't protect me emotionally, deep connection with him is lost, and he won't be of much help spiritually, because I can't rely on him; and if I don't feel safe with him emotionally, it won't matter how physically "safe" I am with him - I won't feel truly safe with him if I don't trust him with my whole person.

- Physical protection ties into both of the other two and is, I think, an integral part of the man's role in the relationship. If I don't think he loves me enough to physically protect me as much as possible... I'm going to question whether or not he actually cares at all about me. Cue emotional distrust and spiritual problems in its wake.

(Protecting someone in a relationship is a two-way street, though. Although the man is normally perceived as being the "protector-provider," the woman has a protector role to play, too.

The term ezer kenegdo (the word often translated as "help-meet") is used in the Hebrew to describe Eve's role in Adam's life; what's missed is the fact that the word ezer, "helper," isn't some piddly little word; most of the times the word appears it's describing God helping His people Israel in battle - a military term. Kenegdo is a word found only in Genesis referring to Eve, and as far as I have studied seems to mean "over against/opposite of"; some have translated it "corresponding to," like a right and left hand, and some have actually translated it "in opposition to." One quote about it that I thought presented an interesting concept: "She will be his strongest ally in pursing God’s purposes and his first roadblock when he veers off course."

On Mother's Day, a couple at my church got up to sing, and before the song the husband, speaking about his wife and her influence in his life and her influence as the mother of their children, said something to the effect of: "No one on earth can make me feel more like a king and a conqueror with fewer words than my wife... and no one on earth can make me feel as low and small and insignificant with fewer words than my wife."

That's a lot of power and influence to have over another human being, and God clearly intends that mutual power to be used to build, edify, and protect the other person.)

crosstweed · May 23, 2016

Rosesrock said:

Great question. Again *wave* married women here but my needs have changed over the years so be aware of that in your seeking relationships.
Feeling protected.
If my husband is meeting my spiritual needs my emotional and physical needs will follow. So I pray for his spiritual growth, protection, and wisdom to do what God wants him to do.
Feel safe is different.
My husband is a gun owner, lover and has made sure each family member knows how to protect themselves. He may not be around to do the job so he's taught us well.

Emotionally we have grown together. I used to want someone even with me who thought the same things. In my growth and age, maturity I have learned I needed someone much stronger than me spiritually. Now I'm not saying I'm the weak one. I'm saying that that's what I needed.

I'll share a story. A few years ago I was hit with depression harder than I'm willing to admit. As I struggled through I prayed and prayed. I didn't even know where to begin. All I could pray at times was... Trust in the Lord with all thine heart.
I woke up one night and my husband stood over me praying for me. He had been there for awhile by the way the tears soaked the sheets. A man that will pray for me for something he didn't even understand. That's a man that will protect me and what belongs to him.

*Ahem* ^^^ This.
[Was going to highlight part of it, but never mind. All of it is perfectly valid/relevant/yes.]

wanderermish · May 23, 2016

* Ladies, what makes you feel protected? (Physically, emotionally, and spiritually?)

Physically : Being Gentleman.
Emotionally : Being Considerate , Loving and Open minded.
Spiritually : Will Lead me to Depend on Jesus more than Him.

* How important is it to you that you feel protected within a relationship?

Of Course It is very Important because It shows How much He Love me and value our relationships

gypsygirl · May 23, 2016

Ladies, what makes you feel protected? (Physically, emotionally, and spiritually?)

in the context of a relationship, i think feeling protected has less to do with actual threat and more about fears (real and imagined). for example, i'm kind of scared of the dark. so, yeah, i have a night light. if i was actually afraid of what my imagination sometimes conjures, i'd have an assault rifle under my pillow and an arsenal under my bed.

but it's the fear of unknown that keeps me in tiny light bulbs.

most often, i just need to hear "things will work out" after sharing my fears. i need to hear that my worst case scenario isn't happening tomorrow, or probably even likely. when i'm in the midst of crisis, i want to hear that things will get better, and that he is there for me. when i'm feeling flawed, inadequate, or failing, i want to hear, "hey, you're better than that, i see you this way". or just that i'm accepted and loved, and he's proud of me for who i am (instead of whatever fun house mirror i'm measuring myself by). and when stuff is hard, i feel protected when he's praying for me and calling on God.

i suppose this all really boils down to feeling like you're not facing your fears alone.

the "building blocks" of protection are loyalty, trustworthiness, and dependability, and enormously attractive. i'm grateful that i'm with someone who never seems to be short in those qualities. : )

i believe in the sacredness of relationships, such as the distinction of that which isn't for public consumption. i like trusting that if my boyfriend has a problem with me, i'll hear it from him directly, not in a passive-aggressive FB post.

finally, there is a sense of comfort and safety in knowing that i can be going through anything and i have someone who will pray for me anytime, or cares how i'm doing. someone who is concerned when i'm sick, upset, or otherwise unwell. that knowledge goes a long way.

for me, that last thing validates and underscores another thing that we all need to feel safe in a relationship. if you're going to share your life and journey with someone, it should be with someone who you can believe has your best intention at heart. it changes everything: the hard times aren't so hard, the conflict is easier, and the good is great. : )

How important is it to you that you feel protected within a relationship? And what are the things others do around you for for you that make you feel protected?

perhaps what is even more important in feeling protected is our own relationship with God, our relationship with ourselves, and our own faith and confidence developed through trials and struggle and experience. if we can look back and see that God has been with us, protected us, and we know He will give us what we need, i think we will feel far more protected. perhaps one of the hardest parts of that is believing Him, even when it's hard to do so--trusting both His promises and timing

melita916 · May 23, 2016

all deep questions. darn you, kim!!! lol i'll try to answer them. or maybe not. we shall see. lol

* Ladies, what makes you feel protected?

Physically - fortunately, my sweetie and i have never been in a dangerous situation, but i know if it were to happen, he would quickly jump in to protect me. he and i take a lot of trails in the park (idk why we do this to ourselves. we always end up so tired lol). the way he makes me feel protected is when he reaches his hand out to help me step up/down from places. he will also move branches for me. these are just small examples

Emotionally - i can share my feelings with him, and he listens. he doesn't make fun of me or how i'm feeling. it's very difficult for me to cry in front of others, but i've been able to cry in front of him, and he comforts me. i don't have to be afraid.

Spiritually - he always points me to Jesus. he always encourages me. if i have a wrong way of thinking about a situation, he doesn't talk down to me, but he gently reminds me of what the Bible says.

* How important is it to you that you feel protected within a relationship?

very important. if i can't be vulnerable in the relationship, then i can't be completely myself.

seoulsearch · May 23, 2016

melita916 said:

For some reason... I seem to get this a lot.

One poster wrote me in a PM and implied that I should provide a side of ibuprofen for everyone who reads my threads.

Just imagine what it's been like for my poor parents.

Seriously, I greatly appreciate the raw honesty and thoughtful answers everyone is providing... and I hope you will continue to do so.

Ladies: How Important Is It to Feel Protected in a Relationship?

OutWrite Trouble

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