Trying to work THRU disagreements in marriage

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C

Camelot

Member
#1
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#1
The Introduction
Well I've been married 4 years and it has been one heck of a ride.
She is an incredibly beautiful woman. She works hard to keep our small family together and me happy. She's blessed.
I feel I work hard handling the affairs of our home and providing for our family not just home and food but my time, love and attention...I make time for my wife, by way of trips across the waters, along the roads, even down the street just to have dinner because I've learned that's what we want and need.

The Reality
We don't have a perfect marriage although I thought it's improved since before, because WOO I didn't think we'd make it past 6 months lol. We grew up soooo differently and had married each other after only 7 months of dating. She has a child from a previous situation where honestly speaking I've given my all to the development of this child but still somehow my wife continues to side with the child as if I'm a complete stranger and this alone has caused even separation.

The Compromise
So I moved her to California with me when we married and (not arrogantly) her life as a person has improved tremendously and her family has been so proud of her as well myself, including my stepchild.
Her mom and I for the past year have officially not gotten along. I can not tell u why but this lady hates my guts and this hurts my heart to the core because I love my wife and my mom in law especially being I lost my mom when I was a kid she's the closest thing I have to a mom but man this lady despises me and my wife somehow blames ME!
(I'm trying to keep it short)

The Dilemma
Recently she however spoke to my wife and wants to rent her home to us, which means I quit my job look for work out there and move there.
Now if I do this I'm giving up a few things but nothing truely of great financial value or anything so it wouldn't be a bad idea if things are in place.

The Conflict
1. My wife's mother has said and done some horrible things toward me and my wife acts as if nothing has ever happened, which makes this really strange to me and untrusting (? made up a word)
2. I've always taken care of my family as to why my wife seems to be so anxious now is beyond me because she's pressuring me to move.

The Big Disagreement
3. The children. Somehow she feels or at least says that the children are happier there. Now I'm no psychologist or doctor but I know my 2 children. Since they've been out there they have been upset, whiney, hardheaded even more bratty. I know without a doubt HERE things are so much better for my babies. Especially my blood son because he was raised here.
Anyways we are struggling with this because we disagree but I'm afraid there's other motives behind my wife's ...ummm rebel attitude towards me lol
How do married folks handle these types of disagreements especially when there's already been tension, because it feels and looks like this could lead to worse if I don't move there however my attitude in return is no better, I'm getting to the point to where I don't care.
I also agree we are BOTH being stubborn
 
azlightsout

azlightsout

Senior Member
#2
Apr 20, 2016
2,151
58
48
#2
Good luck --- more than likely your wife is going to side with her mother and her mother hates yours guts (as u say) ..... what does your wife have to say about this ?
 
jenniferand2

jenniferand2

Senior Member
#3
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
48
#3
Camelot I would have to say that you need to try to talk to your wife wither face to face or write her a letter. I used to write long letters to my husband when i had important stuff i wanted to address with him. here is why if you write it first then you can reread it and make sure what it says before she gets it. Second you can erase and change wording and it has not even been heard by her yet. tell her in the letter or conversation that you need to open up about your fears questions etc.... about moving and any other issues you want to bring up I find that sitting down once a week and making a plan for the week is a huge help bigger things that take more time plan out more time. but have like a weekly meeting where you sit down and write out your concerns troubles etccc... and have a conversation about them try not to raise voice or become angry then just pray that you can get it figured out,
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#4
#4
Sounds like you guys need some marriage counseling from a PASTOR. I don't always put an emphasis on it being a pastor, but in your wifes case, it sounds as though she needs a spiritual authority, assuming she's a Christian, which i don't think you stated either way.
If a pastoral counselor is somehow not available there is counseling that specializes in similar situations, which in-laws who are troublesome and seem to work against the marriage.
In my opinion your second mistake (first being marrying this woman you didn't really know too well) was sending your wife and kids to another state. Adding to that mistake doing so putting them closer to someone who will be actively looking to speak ill of you and undermine you and your marriage. And adding more, putting yourself under this persons control by moving into their house, where they have more ways to control and manipulate you personally.

I recognize and commend you for working so hard to be a good father and husband, and even sticking with things when some would have left already. That is what you are doing right for sure, but it seems making decisions about your family is where you are not doing so well. On top of counseling it may benefit you to find a male in your church who has been married a long time. Going to this man for advice and wisdom about making good choices for your family could also be a help in the future.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#5
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
339
83
#5
Camelot said:
So I moved her to California with me when we married.... Recently she however spoke to my wife and wants to rent her home to us, which means I quit my job look for work out there and move there....Somehow she feels or at least says that the children are happier there.
Click to expand...
The above is confusing, if you moved to CA, where is moving "out there"? And if the kids are happier there, are you currently separated from them?

I'd go where the money is, keep your job and stay put. Tell your wife that you don't want to rent from your mother-in-law because she has a lot of disdain towards you. If you think its trouble now, wait until your living in the same city with her :). Your wife seems to side with your step child against you, and with her mother too. That's not good.. I'd straighten out that mess before moving anywhere, you've got to deal with your wife first, I highly doubt that your in-law or kids are the primary source of your problem? jmo
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#6
#6
Marriage counseling....
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#7
#7
Kids are easy in that they can find happiness anywhere as long as they have people who love them.
 
C

Camelot

Member
#8
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#8
jenniferand2 said:
Camelot I would have to say that you need to try to talk to your wife wither face to face or write her a letter. I used to write long letters to my husband when i had important stuff i wanted to address with him. here is why if you write it first then you can reread it and make sure what it says before she gets it. Second you can erase and change wording and it has not even been heard by her yet. tell her in the letter or conversation that you need to open up about your fears questions etc.... about moving and any other issues you want to bring up I find that sitting down once a week and making a plan for the week is a huge help bigger things that take more time plan out more time. but have like a weekly meeting where you sit down and write out your concerns troubles etccc... and have a conversation about them try not to raise voice or become angry then just pray that you can get it figured out,
Click to expand...
Ok you are an angel. Thank you. That is best idea ever thanks for your input. I would so much rather do that because our conversations always turn into arguments, she's yelling I'm walking off leaving it just gets no where which is horrible because we're both believers in Jesus. I will try this.
 
C

Camelot

Member
#9
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#9
azlightsout said:
Good luck --- more than likely your wife is going to side with her mother and her mother hates yours guts (as u say) ..... what does your wife have to say about this ?
Click to expand...
Say about what my friend?
She wants to move there. And yeah man my mom in law has come to my home starting ruckus nearly caused my wife and I to split until we go counseling who advised we keep her mom completely out of our business, which is why she despises me. I know this seems difficult to believe but man I'm learning there are some from different people in the world, you wouldn't believe.
 
C

Camelot

Member
#10
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#10
Ugly said:
Sounds like you guys need some marriage counseling from a PASTOR. I don't always put an emphasis on it being a pastor, but in your wifes case, it sounds as though she needs a spiritual authority, assuming she's a Christian, which i don't think you stated either way.
If a pastoral counselor is somehow not available there is counseling that specializes in similar situations, which in-laws who are troublesome and seem to work against the marriage.
In my opinion your second mistake (first being marrying this woman you didn't really know too well) was sending your wife and kids to another state. Adding to that mistake doing so putting them closer to someone who will be actively looking to speak ill of you and undermine you and your marriage. And adding more, putting yourself under this persons control by moving into their house, where they have more ways to control and manipulate you personally.

I recognize and commend you for working so hard to be a good father and husband, and even sticking with things when some would have left already. That is what you are doing right for sure, but it seems making decisions about your family is where you are not doing so well. On top of counseling it may benefit you to find a male in your church who has been married a long time. Going to this man for advice and wisdom about making good choices for your family could also be a help in the future.
Click to expand...
You guys are wonderful. I 100% agree with everything you've stated. I am trying but I guess dont really know what I am doing
 
C

Camelot

Member
#11
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#11
Dan58 said:
The above is confusing, if you moved to CA, where is moving "out there"? And if the kids are happier there, are you currently separated from them?

I'd go where the money is, keep your job and stay put. Tell your wife that you don't want to rent from your mother-in-law because she has a lot of disdain towards you. If you think its trouble now, wait until your living in the same city with her :). Your wife seems to side with your step child against you, and with her mother too. That's not good.. I'd straighten out that mess before moving anywhere, you've got to deal with your wife first, I highly doubt that your in-law or kids are the primary source of your problem? jmo
Click to expand...
Thank u for your input!!!! I did not include where they are on purpose just however no as of now they are all visiting her family out of state and is now pretty claiming it to be home again lol and no I won't be fooled into making that mistake I just also am trying to be fair to my wife, which is why I'm seeking others opinions to make sure I find a balance, if that makes sense. So thank u
 
J

JustWhoIAm

Guest
#13
#13
I think a lot of the time in relationships in general the struggle is going to be with getting all parties involved to tell the truth in love and find ways to resolve the situation.
 
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notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#14
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#14
Gods order is for us to separate from our parents and cleave to one another. This is just like the Christian separating from the world and cleaving to Christ.

Mt 19:5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
Mr 10:7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;


For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#15
#15
Camelot said:
Say about what my friend?
She wants to move there. And yeah man my mom in law has come to my home starting ruckus nearly caused my wife and I to split until we go counseling who advised we keep her mom completely out of our business, which is why she despises me. I know this seems difficult to believe but man I'm learning there are some from different people in the world, you wouldn't believe.
Click to expand...
I don't know if you are still around Camelot. You need to be very clear with your wife about your expectations. My husband and I live in the same town as my parents,we only live a few miles apart. My father has a very strong personality and is used to having control and being obeyed. But when I married I let them both know that they were not to interfere in anyway or give advice unless they were asked. My father and I have clashed but its my job to protect my husband from my family intruding and the same with him and his family.

My mother and I are very close and she's very easy to talk to. But one day she was with us and my husband and I were having a disagreement. My mother told my husband off and as upset as I was with him in the moment I turned to my mother and said "that is not acceptable,you do not speak to my husband that way". I think I shocked them both. My issues in my marriage are our business,not family,not friends. We are very careful to keep our business and what we do in our marriage completely private. My sister lives on the same property as her in-laws and her father-in-law has come onto her property and told her husband to "get her woman in line". It would never happen if it were me,my BIL married the right sister. He's not man enough to stand up and defend his own wife. No,parents are to stay completely out of the marriage,thats Biblical. She leaves her parents and you and she become one. Your wife needs to put mommy on the outside of the marriage and she is to stay there. I would not move.Your wife needs to make a choice,you or mom. The only three in the marriage is you,she and God.
 
M

Messy

Banned
#16
May 26, 2016
545
3
0
#16
Why does she want to go to her mother? To get help with the kids? Why does she side with her kid against you? Are you too strict? Do you spend enough time with the kids or is she always alone with them and you work a lot?
The mother and she are absolutely wrong, but maybe you do something wrong too, I dunno.
I sided against my ex with my kids because all he could do was bark and he never spent time with them. He only wanted to spend time with me, not them. If my mother came over to help me clean he just sent her away.
My parents weren't so happy with my first ex either. He never helped in the household, let me do everything alone with the kids. I had to break ties with them because they were controlling he said. Well they were just the only people who helped me and later, after the divorce, he admitted they were right.
This could be a completely different situation though. I have no idea.
 
R

Rosesrock

Guest
#17
#17
Two words......

Marriage counseling.

I'm praying for you
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#18
Jan 24, 2011
11,786
2,960
113
#18
I think your wife needs to learn to leave her mother and father. Not a good idea to rent from in-laws if you don't get along with them. Plus giving up your job? Your wife needs to worry about her relationship with you and her marriage. A man needs to have a good job, and support his family. So a definite no to quitting your job, without getting another one, especially in this down turned economy.

Definitely time for some pastoral counseling. You really never talk about your relationship with God, nor your wife's relationship with God. That has to be #1, even before the marriage. But a better marriage will come out of both of you working on your relationships with God.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#19
Mar 26, 2014
4,447
2,431
113
#19
Has your MIL given you any reason why she wants to rent her house to you? I just can't see much sense in expecting you to quit your job and move just to do her the favor of having "good" tenants. As for your marriage, well it sounds like your wife needs to square with the fact that her home is not with her parents anymore but with her husband, and while discussion between the two of you would be good, you can't make that choice, decision, or adjustment for her. One thing I would predict though is that if you just crumble and let them completely have their way in this, you're going to have to keep giving in to what they want (and it's not clear from the story whether they is your wife, her mother, or a combination of inlaws). Always being the one to give in so that there is no open conflict can be just as destructive as open conflict.
 
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