There are always so many things to say or pray about...and yet, so many thoughts and feelings simply ebb and flow like the rain drops which form rivers and lakes...flowing back into seas and oceans...
Anyway...
I've noticed several shows and comics and anime and such now about LDR (Long-Distance Relationships), and they've really hit home and struck chords in me. Most of my relationships in life have been long distance in some form or another...even when speaking about family and friends (as well as romance)...
I'd like to believe, as much or as broken as is true, that I loved each of them, and that they loved me. The truth is...we don't know what love is. Christ came to show us that (among other things), and other than my immediate family, uncle, and best friend...I've never come close to that love with another person...not to them from me or from them to me.
Things have changed. I've changed. ...but I still have that persistent longing inside me to love and be loved... Sometimes I don't think about it. Sometimes it almost consumes me. A great range of thoughts and feelings are associated with it, and I've been from the extremes of completely giving up to sacrificing most other things in my life to find that relationship.
Lol, I certainly don't want this to read or seem like an angsty teenager or another lovesick post about relationships gone wrong or the hope of future partner... I just...wanted to share.
Sometimes, instead of constantly wrestling with yourself and bottling everything, you need to say it ( or type it in this case ).
Sometimes, it's the only way we can process things. Sometimes, it makes us feel better. Sometimes, it makes it more real or less real.
To be honest, as deep of dream in my heart as that has been in the past (and I'd be lying or in denial to say it wasn't still there...)...it baffles me a little. Where did this come from? Why is it so strong? I've starved it and prayed about it several times, but it won't die. Apparently it's not sin...but then, as selfishly incredible as it would be to have someone like that (to love and be loved by)...I've also come to find it's not just anyone. Whoever could be it, honestly, deserves so much better than me and what I can offer.
The best version of me...absolutely! That's why I need Christ's help (among countless other reasons). He's the best I could ever offer anyone. I need a lot more of Him, and to lose a lot more of me.
If you read this, then thank you. Thank you for taking a few minutes to listen to the ramblings of someone like me. I hope and pray God blesses you for it. Strange as that may be to think about or say...