Desperate for marriage advice

[Depleted]

Your husband hasn't changed, you have. You both smoked weed pre-marriage, you stopped but he never did. Sometimes we marry someone with the hope or anticipation that they'll become something different from what they are, or that they'll change and grow up to be a responsible adult. While its disappointing when they don't, it shouldn't be too surprising if they don't. You have 3 choices; Accept him the way he is, keep trying to change him, or leave him. In my experience, its next to impossible to change someone. Divorce is often a case of people growing apart... jmo

When people demand the spouse change, that gives no room for honesty in a marriage. ("I cannot change!") Honesty in our marriage gave room for, "I know you can't change. Let's ask God for his strength and will."

I married a man who was addicted to three harmful things knowing he loved those three things. He married me knowing I was addicted to two harmful things.

A mere 36 years later, I'm married to a man not addicted to anything anymore, and he still loves me, despite me one addiction.

Everyone keeps telling us these addictions will destroy our marriage. Not true. God is stronger than what people say! Thank God, neither one of us had to lie about what we are/were addicted to. Not enough strength to keep who we are hidden from each other. God doesn't merit out that kind of strength.

 

[Depleted]

Biblical standing. If 2 people are not Christian and one gets saved then New Test teaching applies " if the unbeliever wants to stay let them stay" Your first Covenant is marriage and that stands before God. HOWEVER. If one is already a Christian and one isnt then the bible clearly states that Light and darkness cannot be bound together. Read the book of Ezra. This is a disobedience against God where you cannot fix it. You repent and walk away. They did in Ezra. Otherwise its like saying "Do not commit murder....but if you do this is what you do next". The rule is very simple to understand, Its all about your first covenant. If your first covenant is with God do you honestly think He is going to let a child of the Kingdom yolked together with someone of the enemy in darkness? There is NO union, their is NO fellowship. What GOD has joined together....great! But God has not joined you together if you was a christian and he isnt. Seriously....go ask Him yourself if you are unsure of what I've said here. Jesus himself said "a woman must not separate from her husband BUT IF SHE DOES........" there are often good reasons why she does. Jesus also said that if a man looks at another woman in his heart he has committed adultery. How many biblical reasons would you like here?

Way to out smart God's word there.

God has joined them together. That's what marriage is -- a joining together. And it really does say that if the nonbeliever wants to stay, stay. The rest was simply to explain away a good excuse to take the easy way out. God doesn't do the easy way, so let's stop teaching something apart from what the Bible does say.

Read Hosea!

 

[Depleted]

hello friend what you need now is to meet GOD for forgiveness of your sin and you must not go back for your sin again because if you do, you will die.

 

[jenniferand2]

I think this is a fine example of why even Christian marriages don't work out any better than non Christian marriages. Women tend to think this is the guy they can fix to be the guy they want. Meanwhile the guy goes in without a clue on that deception. Then suddenly she makes all these demands that aren't the personality of the guy. So what does that leave for him? Pretend he is or get yelled at constantly for not being the guy she wanted.

There's a reason the wife is to submit and the husband is to love. By nature, women are the take-charge person. (It is what mothers do naturally.) Traditionally, the guys find it easier to get back into the role of the child. And then the wife wonders why he's acting like a child? Because he's being treated like one, of course.

If you don't trust him to lead and to love, don't marry him. If you do trust him, stop leading! What your really upset with is he's not changing into the guy you thought you could turn him into. How about loving the guy you married warts and all?

I can relate to OP we both let our relationship with God slip away for many years and fell in love basically with the devils brother I guess you could say... Now we are back with our faith with God and have religion back in our minds and hearts.. we try to live our Christian life but our spouses still want to live the life of Satan's brother and I can see how this is difficult.. I have been very unhappy because the guy I married has changed he has become more of a cold hearted person etc... so he has become worse and I am trying to become better. It is very difficult to be a kind loving Christian when you live with someone who drives you crazy who has no remorse or care in the world other then themselves.. To try to live with the devil and be good yourself is very challenging to say the least... I have gotten to the point where I am miserable most of the time because I have just plum given up some days because it is so exhausting living with the evil that goes on everyday..
It is hard to be kind and caring and happy when someone is on the other side of you doing the complete opposit of you..
you would figure if they loved us enough they would change some of the ways they have going on but nope we are supposed to change but not them that is not fair either. So you just have to decide if being alone is better or if you can keep trying to live a life of God when the devil is literally standing on your shoulder..

 

[Mrskate80]

hello friend what you need now is to meet GOD for forgiveness of your sin and you must not go back for your sin again because if you do, you will die.

I'm sorry,but what?!

Don't we all?

God has already forgiven me for my sins. That is what the cross did for me when I accepted him as my savior

 

[Mrskate80]

When people demand the spouse change, that gives no room for honesty in a marriage. ("I cannot change!") Honesty in our marriage gave room for, "I know you can't change. Let's ask God for his strength and will."

I married a man who was addicted to three harmful things knowing he loved those three things. He married me knowing I was addicted to two harmful things.

A mere 36 years later, I'm married to a man not addicted to anything anymore, and he still loves me, despite me one addiction.

Everyone keeps telling us these addictions will destroy our marriage. Not true. God is stronger than what people say! Thank God, neither one of us had to lie about what we are/were addicted to. Not enough strength to keep who we are hidden from each other. God doesn't merit out that kind of strength.

I agree that when the lying is from demanding him to change. It isn't going to work. I can not change him, only God can do that. I try so hard to live a life that will be an example to him so that may help to win him to Christ, but I am only a sinner saved by grace & stumble & struggle everyday. I just don't want the weed to stay in our lives, because I do not want my child to grow up and think it is okay.

Thank you for your advise

 

[Jimbone]

I agree that when the lying is from demanding him to change. It isn't going to work. I can not change him, only God can do that. I try so hard to live a life that will be an example to him so that may help to win him to Christ, but I am only a sinner saved by grace & stumble & struggle everyday. I just don't want the weed to stay in our lives, because I do not want my child to grow up and think it is okay.

Thank you for your advise

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all, and I understand and agree with you 100% too. I'm sure you have, but have you just sat him down and told him that? I know my excuse was "this is how I was when you found me, this isn't something I surprised you with", kind of thing. It was just how a carnal mind works, man it's unbelievable how much God has changed me. Do you mind if I ask what his view on God is?

 

[slave]

Hello Mrskate80 -

Do these things sound familiar?...."If only he would do such and such, I would love him dearly!", Or, "He just needs to do this or that and it will work out!" Or, "He talks about his issues, but he never thinks of mine!" "I am not perfect, but he is etc etc." Or, "I am just saying these things to help him; to help us ultimately!" Or, "Well I'm right and he is wrong, just ask my friends!" It get's to be a mess sometimes huh? And yes, him not being a Christian doesn't help, but the question God would ask, "Who do YOU say that I am? Not your husband."

One thing I love about God's grace is how fresh it is. We don't have to subsist on yesterday's leftovers, adding a little more of this or that, hoping it will be enough for what we face today. We don't have to beg, borrow, or steal someone else's grace because ours is depleted from the day before. As each day unfolds, we have a fresh supply of grace.

God knows what you will encounter today since he has already been here. He is the God of all time. He is never caught off guard by your trials; he's always at his post, ever ready. So you can get up, wipe the sleep from your eyes, and know with certainty that you will have enough grace for whatever he places before you.

Note: I did not say you will have enough grace for tomorrow. There's a big difference. Many times you may worry about things in the future and wonder why you don't have the resources to deal with them. The Cliff Note answer is that if it's not in your present, it's not on God's list for you today.

If you want to be a responsible Christian, it means that you need to respond to what God wants you to do, limiting yourself to only what he puts before you. God knows how much grace to dispense to you, just as he supplied the Israelites with the right amount of manna. If they tried stockpiling it, it was ruined.

There are many things I could suggest specifically here but remember to rest in the Lord and love and respect him and stay out of the right and wrong game. Satan wants you to claim your right to yourself in all of this, but God can't fight your fights for you unless you give up your right to yourself and let Him have the reigns. Love and honor him more than yourself, this is the answer to your needs not just his.For God will ask of him to do the same, in time.....Trust that! Pray for that! Ask, and seek and knock for that! Let God fight to save your relationship.This is not the time to draw a line in the sand, it is time to love unconditionally! To surrender it all to God!

 

[Mrskate80]

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all, and I understand and agree with you 100% too. I'm sure you have, but have you just sat him down and told him that? I know my excuse was "this is how I was when you found me, this isn't something I surprised you with", kind of thing. It was just how a carnal mind works, man it's unbelievable how much God has changed me. Do you mind if I ask what his view on God is?

He believes in God. See I am a preachers kid. I grew up going to church when the doors were open no matter what.
He did not. His mother started going to church when he was a teen and I guess she did not enforce him going.

I have asked him about what he believes. I have come to the conclusion that he believes that as long as you are a "good" person that you will go to heaven when you die. Ya, know not a murder,drug dealer,thief, exc.... I have told him that there are plenty of people in the bible that murdered (King David) and he was a king after Gods own heart.

I don't like ultimatums, but last night I sat him down and told him there would be no other chances.
Please pray that I will live out an example of what a christian would be.

As a pk, I grew up viewing people how they acted around the preacher. That my friend was a rude awakening when I got out into the real word. Sometimes I wonder, where are all of Gods people? I don't mean that judgmental, because I have had days where someone would probably say the same about me.

 

[blue_ladybug]

That person is a troll, who's about to get banned. Pay no attention to him..

I'm sorry,but what?!

Don't we all?

God has already forgiven me for my sins. That is what the cross did for me when I accepted him as my savior

 

[Mrskate80]

exactly-- he is not a "wonderful father," as the lady in distress said-- if he is addicted to weed, porn, and is not a true Christian, how does she know he is not abusing her children? That will surely be next, as well as infidelity, as that is usually the natural progression of someone addicted to drugs, porn, and whatever else...

Abuse my children?
"They will surely be next"
That is a little overboard. He has a problem, he is not a child pervert.

And, although I see think watching porn is wrong, I am sure there are MANY carnal married men out there that do this and hide it from there spouse. It does not make them a Child pervert.

He works 40-50 hours a week to help provide for his family. He grew up watching a dad that worked,came home, smoked some weed, and went back to work.
I on the other hand grew up as a preachers kid, so was never around anything like that. I am not trying to paint some view of a POC person, that stays high 24/7 & watches porn 24/7.

I also am not making excuses for him, because if it was as bad as you are attempting to make him seem I would already be gone.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Herald's views on stuff are a little...umm, distorted.. He sees "signs" in literally everything..lol

Abuse my children?
"They will surely be next"
That is a little overboard. He has a problem, he is not a child pervert.

And, although I see think watching porn is wrong, I am sure there are MANY carnal married men out there that do this and hide it from there spouse. It does not make them a Child pervert.

He works 40-50 hours a week to help provide for his family. He grew up watching a dad that worked,came home, smoked some weed, and went back to work.
I on the other hand grew up as a preachers kid, so was never around anything like that. I am not trying to paint some view of a POC person, that stays high 24/7 & watches porn 24/7.

I also am not making excuses for him, because if it was as bad as you are attempting to make him seem I would already be gone.

 

[Mrskate80]

Herald's views on stuff are a little...umm, distorted.. He sees "signs" in literally everything..lol

 

[blue_ladybug]

The Northern Lights..Trumpeter swans.. He thinks those are signs from God..lol.. He means well, but sounds a bit nutty when he posts..

 

[Depleted]

I can relate to OP we both let our relationship with God slip away for many years and fell in love basically with the devils brother I guess you could say... Now we are back with our faith with God and have religion back in our minds and hearts.. we try to live our Christian life but our spouses still want to live the life of Satan's brother and I can see how this is difficult.. I have been very unhappy because the guy I married has changed he has become more of a cold hearted person etc... so he has become worse and I am trying to become better. It is very difficult to be a kind loving Christian when you live with someone who drives you crazy who has no remorse or care in the world other then themselves.. To try to live with the devil and be good yourself is very challenging to say the least... I have gotten to the point where I am miserable most of the time because I have just plum given up some days because it is so exhausting living with the evil that goes on everyday..
It is hard to be kind and caring and happy when someone is on the other side of you doing the complete opposit of you..
you would figure if they loved us enough they would change some of the ways they have going on but nope we are supposed to change but not them that is not fair either. So you just have to decide if being alone is better or if you can keep trying to live a life of God when the devil is literally standing on your shoulder..

There is a difference to being married to someone who changed to the worse/is abusive. This is not Kate's story. She doesn't have a husband who will attack her or smash up her stuff. She is stuck with a stoner. One of the problems with smoking weed all the time is it stunts emotional growth. The moment you start smoking it regularly is the moment your emotions stop growing. Start at 12, and at 42 you still have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.

I have no doubt it has to be a royal pain to be stuck with someone with the emotional maturity of a teenager the rest of their lives. (No put down on any teens who might read this, but even you don't want parents who act like you. You're supposed to act your age, and they're supposed to act their age. That's why everyone gets into "act your age." lol) And part of the problem with having a stoner is it is everything about treating the person like a kid, because the person is stuck at kid-maturity. Exactly why scolding doesn't work. Every time my parents told me not to do something -- poof! Even if I never considered doing it before, it instantly became something I wanted to do (apart from getting pregnant.) So, what to do? Sneak around them, of course.

When we release people from being the child then they have to face how a grown up has to act. We don't need to tell them they have to act like a grownup. Treat them like one, and at least we get honesty out of them. Honest with us, means honest with themselves.

I'm honest with hubby. I hate that I still smoke cigarettes. He knows that. He knows what I've tried to stop being that way. In like fashion, I know what he tried to quit his addictions. And, after a mere 34 years, he has quit every single one. (He seems to quit one per decade. lol)

Marriage is support, not parenting. Another reason it's good that we woman get out of the "I'm the boss" mode quickly.

We chose to love the guys we married. I totally get GET OUT if the man is physically abusive. But to get out because we wandered away from each other? Nah! We chose to love him. Whatever it was that we chose to love about him in the beginning is likely to still be there. (Maybe less often, but the only way people change is when God changes us.) It's not up to us to fix him. It's up to us to love him! That's a choice.

(And again, not for you, because abusive just doesn't cut it. All Kate's husband has done is wander away instead of facing the scold when he decided he was going to keep doing what she knew he did from the beginning. He's avoiding Mommy's punishment.)

 

[laura_charlotte]

I think it’s time that you did a re-evaluation of this whole situation. They’re dishonest about their whereabouts and actions. They don’t attempt to be healthy – any form of smoking regardless of what the substance is, is as unhealthy as it is disgusting. Personally I don’t know how you can tolerate being in their presence. You have children now to raise, I would question whether you want to raise them not only in such an environment but where you have one person who is supposed to be their parent and role model, instead propagate those aforementioned absence of values. This person is not in a position with maturity, character and lifestyle ‘habits’, to make any form of commitment, either small or big to you and your young family. Take heed and make the right decision. God bless.

 

[Depleted]

I agree that when the lying is from demanding him to change. It isn't going to work. I can not change him, only God can do that. I try so hard to live a life that will be an example to him so that may help to win him to Christ, but I am only a sinner saved by grace & stumble & struggle everyday. I just don't want the weed to stay in our lives, because I do not want my child to grow up and think it is okay.

Thank you for your advise

Then let him know that much. "Keep the weed away from the house." And let him know it's okay to tell you he's going out for a joint. (Do they still do joints? It's been a long time since I smoked that.)

As for giving an example? Why? Be yourself. Example seems like a display case -- way too hard to sustain the appearance. Love him as you love your children. Do what you can to make his life easier. Give him what he likes. (I am woman, thus think in forms of food. Just wanted to clarify, although I'm sure that other image showed up too. lol) Be considerate. Take up some stuff he likes to do, even if you're not crazy about it. (3.5 hours for a 60 minute football game? Really? lol) Love him like you used to. Love is a choice. Choose it again.

And stop playing Mom. If he doesn't clean his room, it doesn't get cleaned. (Metaphorically speaking, assuming the two of you have the same room.) If he's not there in time for the family to go out, go out anyway. Stop expecting him to... pretty much everything a mom expects of her children. He doesn't have to eat his veggies, he doesn't have a curfew, he doesn't have to try new things because it's good for him. If the two of you were going to a friend's house but he's not home, let the babysitter watch the kids and go. If the friend asks where he is, let the friend ask him, not you. You're not his keeper. You're his wife. (And let the babysitter know to stay there until you come home, because you don't want someone stoned taking care of the kids. I mean you don't have to tell the sitter that, but make sure he/she knows you're paying for the service, not him.)

Sooner or later, he'll catch the clue that you love him. It sure beats "I married my mother."

And you can do you. You don't have to do example. My rules were simple: Can't smoke cigars in the house, because it makes me sick. Can't smoke pot in the house (again, this was long ago, so pot was the word lol), because I don't want to get busted. Sure, look at porn, but don't expect me to be her. I'm not stripping to have my picture taken, so honestly, I'm not HER.

Notice, none of the rules were "you shouldn't." They were where my line was for me. Just like in the bedroom we all have things we will and won't do. My rules were what I wouldn't do. He was free to work around them all he wanted. (Granted, if I caught him looking at other women online, I gobsmacked and ask how much was stuffed in her to have them. And I would worry about the poor woman's back to tote those. And I certainly would ew-ew-disgusting, when it grossed me out, but that was real reactions and he had to deal with my reactions.)

I'm his permanent partner, not his mom. (Which, whew! Good!)

 

[jenniferand2]

There is a difference to being married to someone who changed to the worse/is abusive. This is not Kate's story. She doesn't have a husband who will attack her or smash up her stuff. She is stuck with a stoner. One of the problems with smoking weed all the time is it stunts emotional growth. The moment you start smoking it regularly is the moment your emotions stop growing. Start at 12, and at 42 you still have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.

I have no doubt it has to be a royal pain to be stuck with someone with the emotional maturity of a teenager the rest of their lives. (No put down on any teens who might read this, but even you don't want parents who act like you. You're supposed to act your age, and they're supposed to act their age. That's why everyone gets into "act your age." lol) And part of the problem with having a stoner is it is everything about treating the person like a kid, because the person is stuck at kid-maturity. Exactly why scolding doesn't work. Every time my parents told me not to do something -- poof! Even if I never considered doing it before, it instantly became something I wanted to do (apart from getting pregnant.) So, what to do? Sneak around them, of course.

When we release people from being the child then they have to face how a grown up has to act. We don't need to tell them they have to act like a grownup. Treat them like one, and at least we get honesty out of them. Honest with us, means honest with themselves.

I'm honest with hubby. I hate that I still smoke cigarettes. He knows that. He knows what I've tried to stop being that way. In like fashion, I know what he tried to quit his addictions. And, after a mere 34 years, he has quit every single one. (He seems to quit one per decade. lol)

Marriage is support, not parenting. Another reason it's good that we woman get out of the "I'm the boss" mode quickly.

We chose to love the guys we married. I totally get GET OUT if the man is physically abusive. But to get out because we wandered away from each other? Nah! We chose to love him. Whatever it was that we chose to love about him in the beginning is likely to still be there. (Maybe less often, but the only way people change is when God changes us.) It's not up to us to fix him. It's up to us to love him! That's a choice.

(And again, not for you, because abusive just doesn't cut it. All Kate's husband has done is wander away instead of facing the scold when he decided he was going to keep doing what she knew he did from the beginning. He's avoiding Mommy's punishment.)

10 4 roger that I see you loud and clear lol.. I am working on my situation you know that.. I am not dead yet by the grace of God and now hubby can barley lift his hands most days to itch his own back but he still has a mouth on him like a viper that will never go away. unless he has a major stoke or something. everyone here will give you an opinion some good some bad.. Only you can be the one to really decide if enough is enough... Heck i may just hit the medical pot they are just starting here because of the pain I am in but I would never go stoner again lol.. I pray that you find the answers you seek Moses left his wife because he had things to do. Therefore if you need to leave your husband because you feel you need to I am sure God will understand.

 

[slave]

Many are saying the same thing the world would have you fight for in your marriage.....

Focusing on our own happiness is a shallow approach, especially compared to God's greater plan for our life. God is OK with us being happy, but His greatest desire is for us to seek Him and glorify Him in all that we say and do. With this in mind, as we seek to glorify God with our lives, joy and contentment become a byproduct of this obedience.


I prefer the word contentment over "happy," because I believe discontentment prevails in our culture. Is it realistic for us to be content in all circumstances? Philippians 4:11(ESV) says: "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content."It is possible to be content, but it takes hard work.


How does this play into your marriage? When you feel discontent or unhappy, what do you do with it? Do you start making a laundry list of all the things your spouse is doing wrong? Do you emotionally and/or physically disengage? Do you try to fix things by passively addressing it without your spouse knowing of your discontent? Have you ever entertained the idea that you need to examine your own heart? Do you ever go to God with your discontentment and ask Him what He is trying to teach you? I sense a fierce love in you for him, that is fighting to figure out the "how to" that doesn't lose yourself in it all, or that becomes an enabler to his faults. But back up and rest in the Lord and let Him fight for the relationship!


Asking yourself these questions can help you discern your own heart and confront these lies before they potentially destroy your marriage. Why do we believe these lies? Many times, it is because we want to. Romantic movies, TV shows, music – and our sinful thoughts – cause our thinking to become distorted. Many people (yes, Christians) convince themselves that they are hearing a message from God telling them to get out of their marriage, or that there is a better spouse out there for them. They often feel they deserve freedom and happiness. Yet where in the Bible does it say we deserve anything?


When and how do we succumb to deception? We are capable of giving way to temptation at any time. When we do not understand God's plan for marriage, are not reading God's Word, are not in healthy Christian community, are feeling unloved, or are emotionally or physically deprived, we can succumb very easily.

Lastly, we must guard ourselves against thinking we are incapable of being deceived, fight for your marriage by falling in love by choice once again, you may discern his needs, help him thru them with God on your side to do so (unconditionally), again this is only investing in God's will which will result in your strength and contentment.

 

[Jimbone]

He believes in God. See I am a preachers kid. I grew up going to church when the doors were open no matter what.
He did not. His mother started going to church when he was a teen and I guess she did not enforce him going.

I have asked him about what he believes. I have come to the conclusion that he believes that as long as you are a "good" person that you will go to heaven when you die. Ya, know not a murder,drug dealer,thief, exc.... I have told him that there are plenty of people in the bible that murdered (King David) and he was a king after Gods own heart.

I don't like ultimatums, but last night I sat him down and told him there would be no other chances.
Please pray that I will live out an example of what a christian would be.

As a pk, I grew up viewing people how they acted around the preacher. That my friend was a rude awakening when I got out into the real word. Sometimes I wonder, where are all of Gods people? I don't mean that judgmental, because I have had days where someone would probably say the same about me.

See I could not imagine growing up in church. I was more like him, my family would "thank God", and by no means did they hate God or anything like that, but honestly it was just never a subject we brought up. To be honest it still blows my mind when I look back and see how little I thought for myself. It was always video game this, new movie that. What does my new phone do, what is the new song my favorite artist is putting out. Even as someone who didn't feel I was distracted by pointless stuff, man I was completely blind to the fact I was plugged into the same matrix. I was in a prison I wasn't even aware of. Only God can open a mans eyes to this overnight, I once was blind but now I see. The thing is that I honestly had to get to the point I KNEW I couldn't do it ("it" meaning living life anymore by my own choices) I knew I couldn't help myself anymore, and I knew this world couldn't fix my problem either, all the science in the world at this point, or at least at the level I could hope to receive, couldn't repair the damage done.

I had to hit bottom, be left naked and exposed for the complete failure I was after 33 years of doing things "my way". Even having heard the story of Jesus and liking it, not understanding what it truly was, and then being falsely declared "saved" when I was still far from Him. Never was the change that happens talked about, only how we will always be sinning and still saved. So I lived how I did before and just called myself Christian.

Man my heart burns to point people to this truth so they can know Him too, but the fallen man will not hear of God outside of His Spirit moving on them. That Spirit that has filled me and made me new has shown me that Gods foundations are forever. His word can stand all scrutiny until you start dabbling in the irrational or holding it to impossible standards. I have found time and time again His word stand firm. I pray He leads you and your husband closer to Himself, and that maybe you can approach it more like there is a Truth, there are claims made, lets look at these claims, lets look at the facts, and lets think about it and draw a conclusion. I believe that once you start truly looking at the world around you and the facts around Jesus Christ scream truth to anyone honestly seeking Him. Of course when you are doing this he should also start asking these deep question to himself, if there was a God and Jesus is the real TRUTH, do I really want do serve Him? Sorry I could go on and on and this comment is already too long, but I will leave you with this,

I pray that He blesses you all with the only true peace we as people can have, the peace inside that comes from knowing our creator. Have a blessed weekend.