What would u do in this situation??
- Thread starter ManiaStar
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It's not idolatry, nor is it a sin on her part. The only sin in this specific case, is the man not loving her and he is fearful and from that come all his other sins towards her, wrath, jealousy, etc.. So that's why the best solution be to somehow break the prison in his mind and set him free and have him love her more fully. If that solution is not possible, then sad as it is to split apart a young couple, which is not a light thing to advise according to the Bible, that may have to happen whether it be permanently or temporarily as Prynce said, a sort of a make him lose her for a bit, maybe he would change. I still think her parents are going to have to be involved either way, and it is better they are involved than the OP.
I think the OP's best course of action is tell the girl's parents, or tell the girl that she will tell her parents. Perhaps then the girl will leave if she fears her parents finding out, or if she does not, perhaps her parents can make a better judgement. I think also his reaction would not be as adverse if the parents initiated the action rather than someone closer to his age. And I will just leave this topic at that as I don't think the situation can be judged or teased out any more than it is all ready.
I think the OP's best course of action is tell the girl's parents, or tell the girl that she will tell her parents. Perhaps then the girl will leave if she fears her parents finding out, or if she does not, perhaps her parents can make a better judgement. I think also his reaction would not be as adverse if the parents initiated the action rather than someone closer to his age. And I will just leave this topic at that as I don't think the situation can be judged or teased out any more than it is all ready.
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First you say he loves her, then you say he doesn't, then you say he needs to love her more (more than not at all? Uhhhh). She is addicted and has made an idol out of HIM. You obviously have no idea how abusive men operate. Bringing in any outsider is going to boomerang on the woman, no matter who it is. As far as the guy will be concerned, that would be an act of treason on her part, and all the blame would go on her for that. People like him are completely incapable of taking any personal responsibility in the situation, which is why he tries to control her, and as long as the woman stays and plays the victim to his abuse, neither is she (taking personal responsibility). She may be obsessively trying to control his controlling her.
One of them needs to hit bottom and leave. It is unlikely to be the guy.
When one of them hits bottom and realizes they cannot go on any more as they are, then and only then will they be open to receiving help. You cannot force help on people who don't want it or don't think they need it. Until then, acknowledging their dysfunction, anger, frustration, powerlessness, denial, delusion, self destructive behaviors, addiction to drama and control, lack of compassion, lack of empathy, lack of humility, lack of honesty... the list of what needs to be acknowledged is very long
But when they get to that place of hitting bottom and becoming
willing to ask for help, then and only then can the healing begin.
Until then, they are just acting out their dysfunction with each other,
and it is a very deadly game with possibly fatal consequences.
One of them needs to hit bottom and leave. It is unlikely to be the guy.
When one of them hits bottom and realizes they cannot go on any more as they are, then and only then will they be open to receiving help. You cannot force help on people who don't want it or don't think they need it. Until then, acknowledging their dysfunction, anger, frustration, powerlessness, denial, delusion, self destructive behaviors, addiction to drama and control, lack of compassion, lack of empathy, lack of humility, lack of honesty... the list of what needs to be acknowledged is very long
But when they get to that place of hitting bottom and becoming
willing to ask for help, then and only then can the healing begin.
Until then, they are just acting out their dysfunction with each other,
and it is a very deadly game with possibly fatal consequences.
S
ManiaStar,
your friend needs to contact the police and she needs to find a safe place to go. I don't know what area you live in but where I'm at there are a few women's shelters/ domestic abuse survivors shelters that you couldn't find online by searching. They tend to keep them secret for the safety of the women & their children. Your friend needs to know that she has a safe place to go.
Do the legwork for her because she is in a fragile state of mind. Google social services organization in your area and you should get a listing of where you can direct her to get help. You can also call your local police department and ask for help as well. You don't have to report him but you can asked for help finding a shelter for your friend. You can remain anonymous. Do what you can to help her find somewhere she'll be safe. A lot of these shelters provide help with finding employment and getting emergency assistance as well.
Encourage her to report him but in the meantime help her to get out. I know it's not easy. I watched my mother be abused for years by her boyfriend. He hid it well for the 1st year or so then he beat her so bad she couldn't get out of bed for a week. Her face was so bruised and swollen. There was blood all over the carpet. I was 10 years old at the time and I'm 35 now and I will never be able to erase that horrible image from my mind.
The abuse continued and escalated and a few times my sisters and I were on the receiving end. Trust me when I tell you that he WILL kill her if she doesn't leave.
your friend needs to contact the police and she needs to find a safe place to go. I don't know what area you live in but where I'm at there are a few women's shelters/ domestic abuse survivors shelters that you couldn't find online by searching. They tend to keep them secret for the safety of the women & their children. Your friend needs to know that she has a safe place to go.
Do the legwork for her because she is in a fragile state of mind. Google social services organization in your area and you should get a listing of where you can direct her to get help. You can also call your local police department and ask for help as well. You don't have to report him but you can asked for help finding a shelter for your friend. You can remain anonymous. Do what you can to help her find somewhere she'll be safe. A lot of these shelters provide help with finding employment and getting emergency assistance as well.
Encourage her to report him but in the meantime help her to get out. I know it's not easy. I watched my mother be abused for years by her boyfriend. He hid it well for the 1st year or so then he beat her so bad she couldn't get out of bed for a week. Her face was so bruised and swollen. There was blood all over the carpet. I was 10 years old at the time and I'm 35 now and I will never be able to erase that horrible image from my mind.
The abuse continued and escalated and a few times my sisters and I were on the receiving end. Trust me when I tell you that he WILL kill her if she doesn't leave.
U
Yet more advice from someone with no experience or knowledge of the subject, doing more damage than good. Abusers have an extremely low rate of changing their abuse. Anything the woman does to protect herself will be regarded with violence and he will blame her 100% of the time. The most common statement of abusers is 'she made me do it'. This is why calling the police doesn't work, alone. These guys go to jail over and over, yet don't stop.
And domestic situations are extremely explosive and dangerous. They are among the most dangerous situations for police to encounter. A man willing to be violent against a woman has an extremely high chance of committing murder, whether intentionally or accidentally during a violent episode. So yes, the idea that this womans life is in danger is Very Valid and Real.
As i suggested to another, you should go learn about the topic before speaking on it.
We don't know whether he has or not, but we have to deal with the information given. Usually people in denial and quick to doubt the victim are dangerous for the victim, because you don't heed cries for help. Sometimes this leads to victims not speaking up out of fear of not being believed. Your attitude makes things worse, not better.
If someone was reported to be molesting a child would you sit back and do nothing too?
Think i better stay out of this thread. The amount of ignorance is enough to set me off.
And domestic situations are extremely explosive and dangerous. They are among the most dangerous situations for police to encounter. A man willing to be violent against a woman has an extremely high chance of committing murder, whether intentionally or accidentally during a violent episode. So yes, the idea that this womans life is in danger is Very Valid and Real.
As i suggested to another, you should go learn about the topic before speaking on it.
We don't know whether he has or not, but we have to deal with the information given. Usually people in denial and quick to doubt the victim are dangerous for the victim, because you don't heed cries for help. Sometimes this leads to victims not speaking up out of fear of not being believed. Your attitude makes things worse, not better.
If someone was reported to be molesting a child would you sit back and do nothing too?
Think i better stay out of this thread. The amount of ignorance is enough to set me off.
S
oh wow, I'm sorry to hear about what your mother went through.
I did talk to my friend and she is saying she will go to a women's shelter. One thing is holding her back though and it's been holding her back. She has a cat. The shelter won't take her cat. I tried so hard to find a temporary home for her cat but I couldn't. She said she doesn't want to leave her cat w/ her bf bc she's afraid he'll harm him and i don't blame her for fearing that but, i told her to leave the cat w/ a friend or Something and get out. She just told me earlier today that she has 2 weeks to leave. I tried telling her to NOT wait the 2 weeks.
She wants to get His family involved and wants them over when she removes her stuff from his house. I told her that's the worst idea ever that she needs to get the cops there bc the cops are the only ones who will be able to restrain him if he tries anything. He's an extremely strong guy --- all muscle. She needs the cops, not his family.
I can't force her out as I refuse to go over her/his house for 2 reasons. 1. I know the violence that entails this man. The one night I was over their house, he got completely drunk. I went to my car and locked my doors bc he thought one of us took his car keys (no one took them --- the keys were inside). He tried breaking my door handle to get inside my car. Then he went to break my window and that's when i started driving off. That night, he was sooo angry. I was afraid for her bc that was the one night that he did grab her by the throat and drag her inside. So scary. I was going to call the cops but, as soon as I was about to, she called me and said don't call the cops, he dragged me inside and passed out on the floor.
Second reason i refuse to go over there is because last May, he tried taking advantage of me. He tried hard but didn't force himself on me --- i was totally drunk that day and my friend wasn't home. It was just me and him. He scared me sooo badly. I was afraid to do anything. I had gone to the cops the following day but, they didn't do Anything. They didn't even bring him in for questioning. They figured 2 drunk people eh who cares and let it go. Pissed me off they didn't do anything but.... what can i do??? Though at that point, I was more lenient because, I was thinking of my friend and I didn't press charges. I wanted the cops to talk to him and scare him (they did nothing) --- is it too late for me to go back to the cops and press charges even though this happened May 30 of 2016?
I did talk to my friend and she is saying she will go to a women's shelter. One thing is holding her back though and it's been holding her back. She has a cat. The shelter won't take her cat. I tried so hard to find a temporary home for her cat but I couldn't. She said she doesn't want to leave her cat w/ her bf bc she's afraid he'll harm him and i don't blame her for fearing that but, i told her to leave the cat w/ a friend or Something and get out. She just told me earlier today that she has 2 weeks to leave. I tried telling her to NOT wait the 2 weeks.
She wants to get His family involved and wants them over when she removes her stuff from his house. I told her that's the worst idea ever that she needs to get the cops there bc the cops are the only ones who will be able to restrain him if he tries anything. He's an extremely strong guy --- all muscle. She needs the cops, not his family.
I can't force her out as I refuse to go over her/his house for 2 reasons. 1. I know the violence that entails this man. The one night I was over their house, he got completely drunk. I went to my car and locked my doors bc he thought one of us took his car keys (no one took them --- the keys were inside). He tried breaking my door handle to get inside my car. Then he went to break my window and that's when i started driving off. That night, he was sooo angry. I was afraid for her bc that was the one night that he did grab her by the throat and drag her inside. So scary. I was going to call the cops but, as soon as I was about to, she called me and said don't call the cops, he dragged me inside and passed out on the floor.
Second reason i refuse to go over there is because last May, he tried taking advantage of me. He tried hard but didn't force himself on me --- i was totally drunk that day and my friend wasn't home. It was just me and him. He scared me sooo badly. I was afraid to do anything. I had gone to the cops the following day but, they didn't do Anything. They didn't even bring him in for questioning. They figured 2 drunk people eh who cares and let it go. Pissed me off they didn't do anything but.... what can i do??? Though at that point, I was more lenient because, I was thinking of my friend and I didn't press charges. I wanted the cops to talk to him and scare him (they did nothing) --- is it too late for me to go back to the cops and press charges even though this happened May 30 of 2016?
She's not as young as you may think. Her bf is 37 and she's a little older then him. I had gotten to know him first through a friend of mine and he was cool at first. Liked all the sports and activities my friend and I like and we got along great. I got to know his gf through him and, although I'm not full fledge friends w/ this lady, I do talk to her and try to help her. Her mom knows of the situation but doesn't know how to help her besides telling her what i am telling her.
U
A valid response from someone who has learned about this topic, both from researching it, and from knowing many women in various forms of domestic abuse. And not just knowing them but, in many cases, counseling them through the effects.
So, yes, i will criticize people who are being damaging when it's clear they have no clue what they're talking about. I've dated women who have gone through this, my own sister has gone through this.
In other words i have helped many already. But sometimes helping someone is fending off those who speak on things they clearly know nothing about. You can be pissed off all you want but you got called out for giving bad advice out of ignorance by someone who's been down that road many times.
So, yes, i will criticize people who are being damaging when it's clear they have no clue what they're talking about. I've dated women who have gone through this, my own sister has gone through this.
In other words i have helped many already. But sometimes helping someone is fending off those who speak on things they clearly know nothing about. You can be pissed off all you want but you got called out for giving bad advice out of ignorance by someone who's been down that road many times.
Oh I'm not pissed, don't worry. Let me tell you a tale to judge. A tale of two counsellors and an example of each giving counsel:
Once upon a time there was a small kingdom. In the kingdom there was an Advisor of the Court. The Advisor of the Court esteemed himself wise in the ways of counselling the relationships of the nobles. One day the Advisor of the Court was counselling a foolish noble woman that had departed from her husband. The woman loved his advice and grew attached to the Advisor of the Court by reason of his advice and went to live with him in his house. He committed fornication with her and made her son into a bastard, but he was happy to be with her and thought to make her his wife and to make her bastard son into his own son, but after a time the foolish woman left the Advisor of the Court.
The Advisor's heart was vexed sore because he could not understand why she had left him. So the Advisor of the Court sought counsel from the other nobles and they could give him no advice besides empty prayers and platitudes. So the Advisor of the Court secretly went out and sought the counsel of the Town Fool. The Town Fool told the Advisor of the Court straightly that he had committed fornication and he had caused the foolish woman to commit adultery, which is a grave offense by the law of the King of the kingdom, but the Fool being the lowliest of the kingdom frankly forgave both the Advisor and the foolish woman because the Fool liked them both and did not wish the wrath of the King upon either of them. The Fool reasoned with the Advisor that even though he was an adulterer, if he was prepared to deal with the woman's husband, if he was prepared to raise her son with her real husband in the picture as well, if he was able to deal with the foolish woman's foolishness for the rest of his life, then he could marry her, but if not, then they would not be able to be married. This cheered up the Advisor thinking it meant that he might have a chance to marry the foolish woman, but he never married the foolish woman.
Whom in this story do you judge to have been the better counsellor; The Advisor of the Court or the Town Fool?
Once upon a time there was a small kingdom. In the kingdom there was an Advisor of the Court. The Advisor of the Court esteemed himself wise in the ways of counselling the relationships of the nobles. One day the Advisor of the Court was counselling a foolish noble woman that had departed from her husband. The woman loved his advice and grew attached to the Advisor of the Court by reason of his advice and went to live with him in his house. He committed fornication with her and made her son into a bastard, but he was happy to be with her and thought to make her his wife and to make her bastard son into his own son, but after a time the foolish woman left the Advisor of the Court.
The Advisor's heart was vexed sore because he could not understand why she had left him. So the Advisor of the Court sought counsel from the other nobles and they could give him no advice besides empty prayers and platitudes. So the Advisor of the Court secretly went out and sought the counsel of the Town Fool. The Town Fool told the Advisor of the Court straightly that he had committed fornication and he had caused the foolish woman to commit adultery, which is a grave offense by the law of the King of the kingdom, but the Fool being the lowliest of the kingdom frankly forgave both the Advisor and the foolish woman because the Fool liked them both and did not wish the wrath of the King upon either of them. The Fool reasoned with the Advisor that even though he was an adulterer, if he was prepared to deal with the woman's husband, if he was prepared to raise her son with her real husband in the picture as well, if he was able to deal with the foolish woman's foolishness for the rest of his life, then he could marry her, but if not, then they would not be able to be married. This cheered up the Advisor thinking it meant that he might have a chance to marry the foolish woman, but he never married the foolish woman.
Whom in this story do you judge to have been the better counsellor; The Advisor of the Court or the Town Fool?
S
Check this website to get more info on domestic violence. Seems some people on this thread might not quite understand the severity of the situation. So I encourage anyone that's willing to increase their knowledge on the subject to please do so. It'll make a difference in your understanding of the topic.
Myths]Myths & Facts | Domestic Violence | Learn More | Center for Hope & Safety and Facts about Domestic Violence |
Myths]Myths & Facts | Domestic Violence | Learn More | Center for Hope & Safety and Facts about Domestic Violence |
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Mania,
I can't offer any additional advice, but I sure hope this woman gets the help she needs and is able to get out. I'm no expert, but from the people I've been around who have been in this kind of situation, it pretty much takes a miracle to get them to leave or to be able to exit the situation safely.
I just wanted to add that as many here have already pointed out, domestic violence should always be taken seriously, even if all the facts are still being sorted out.
I went to Christian schools from kindergarten through high school, and was surrounded by the Word of God and all the things we "should and shouldn't do" every single day of my life. But somehow, it often seemed as if many of the Christians I knew never thought these issues would apply to them (because they were children of God), and often judged others who WERE dealing with such situations harshly.
My school was very small--at the time I graduated, we had only 124 students in the entire high school. But even out of that small number of students, two of the girls I knew who went on to "do the good Christian thing" by having "good Christian marriages"... wound up dead.
I've been following this thread since the start, but debated on whether I had anything to had. However, I want to mention these stories in order to point out that domestic violence is a pervasive problem that can happen to anyone, no matter what their beliefs are, what group they're a part of, or how closely they follow "the rules" or "do everything they are supposed to do."
I remember these two girls from school very well.
One was part of the "in" crowd--always at the top of everything there was to be achieved, extremely beautiful and popular. I remember her because she had hosted our freshman initiation, and all the boys had talked about how gorgeous she was.
When her husband shot (and kept shooting) her, it was one of their children who called 911, but it was too late. She was already dead, and all of their children had seen it happen.
The other girl had been the exact opposite in school--although also very pretty, she was quiet, shy, and part of the crowd no one wanted to associate with if they wanted to keep their popularity intact. But I was glad to see that she at least had a best friend she hung out with all the time, and I remember them both because they sat behind me in study hall. All this girl had talked about was wanting to get out of school and get married.
I was told that before the end, she had done everything they tell you to do in order to get away from an abuser, even going so far as to leave him and move to another location in secret.
But in time, he found her and hunted her down at her new apartment, and in his wrath at her for leaving him, he emptied a gun into her head.
Mania, I'm guessing that others have noticed/know about this couple's issues as well? Are there any older, more experienced members at church (those who have dealt with these things before) whom you could talk to about this? I would also recommend calling domestic violence hotlines (whether local or national) and asking for their advice.
I will most definitely keep your friend on my prayer list, and I sincerely hope that anyone else, male or female, who is in the same predicament will do whatever it takes to get away from their abuser as well. May God give you the strength to do what it takes to get out of this horrible, always-to-be-taken-seriously, and very dangerous situation.
I can't offer any additional advice, but I sure hope this woman gets the help she needs and is able to get out. I'm no expert, but from the people I've been around who have been in this kind of situation, it pretty much takes a miracle to get them to leave or to be able to exit the situation safely.
I just wanted to add that as many here have already pointed out, domestic violence should always be taken seriously, even if all the facts are still being sorted out.
I went to Christian schools from kindergarten through high school, and was surrounded by the Word of God and all the things we "should and shouldn't do" every single day of my life. But somehow, it often seemed as if many of the Christians I knew never thought these issues would apply to them (because they were children of God), and often judged others who WERE dealing with such situations harshly.
My school was very small--at the time I graduated, we had only 124 students in the entire high school. But even out of that small number of students, two of the girls I knew who went on to "do the good Christian thing" by having "good Christian marriages"... wound up dead.
I've been following this thread since the start, but debated on whether I had anything to had. However, I want to mention these stories in order to point out that domestic violence is a pervasive problem that can happen to anyone, no matter what their beliefs are, what group they're a part of, or how closely they follow "the rules" or "do everything they are supposed to do."
I remember these two girls from school very well.
One was part of the "in" crowd--always at the top of everything there was to be achieved, extremely beautiful and popular. I remember her because she had hosted our freshman initiation, and all the boys had talked about how gorgeous she was.
When her husband shot (and kept shooting) her, it was one of their children who called 911, but it was too late. She was already dead, and all of their children had seen it happen.
The other girl had been the exact opposite in school--although also very pretty, she was quiet, shy, and part of the crowd no one wanted to associate with if they wanted to keep their popularity intact. But I was glad to see that she at least had a best friend she hung out with all the time, and I remember them both because they sat behind me in study hall. All this girl had talked about was wanting to get out of school and get married.
I was told that before the end, she had done everything they tell you to do in order to get away from an abuser, even going so far as to leave him and move to another location in secret.
But in time, he found her and hunted her down at her new apartment, and in his wrath at her for leaving him, he emptied a gun into her head.
Mania, I'm guessing that others have noticed/know about this couple's issues as well? Are there any older, more experienced members at church (those who have dealt with these things before) whom you could talk to about this? I would also recommend calling domestic violence hotlines (whether local or national) and asking for their advice.
I will most definitely keep your friend on my prayer list, and I sincerely hope that anyone else, male or female, who is in the same predicament will do whatever it takes to get away from their abuser as well. May God give you the strength to do what it takes to get out of this horrible, always-to-be-taken-seriously, and very dangerous situation.
M
Something is wrong somewhere. There is a demon that is on a mission to destroy that young man's life. He love the girl and the demon is seeing that if they allow their relationship to continue the girl is going to get the young man saved. All they into now to lead the guy to push the girl packing or kill her so that they can have a full control over him.
Please report to the church so that they can take the man through counseling and save his life. It may be a spiritual wife that is at work in his life.
Please report to the church so that they can take the man through counseling and save his life. It may be a spiritual wife that is at work in his life.
The lady isn't even a Christian so that won't work.
I thought she was on the right path to leaving but she just messaged me last night saying she chose to move with him to stay safe but she won't stay with him. She's making more and more stupid choices. She said she's leaving the majority of her items at a friends house around here but when he's at work or something, she'll just take off without telling him. Stupid!!
I told her, by moving, you're going to lose your job but just found out she's transferring but she may not be able to transfer back to her same store. Transfers aren't that easy and aren't that fast.
I can't deal with this anymore. She never really listens to any advice I give her. She sends me an average of 50-60 mags a day. I do my best to help her but ugh so annoying!!
She keeps saying she's going to leave one day when he's working but I highly doubt it and then the abuse will continue.
She said he's forcing her to move with him and I said no, you're letting him control your life and you're giving in. If you don't give in and get a cop involved, you'll also be safe and not have to worry about what he might do to u. ??????. I feel like I've completely wasted my time on this.
I thought she was on the right path to leaving but she just messaged me last night saying she chose to move with him to stay safe but she won't stay with him. She's making more and more stupid choices. She said she's leaving the majority of her items at a friends house around here but when he's at work or something, she'll just take off without telling him. Stupid!!
I told her, by moving, you're going to lose your job but just found out she's transferring but she may not be able to transfer back to her same store. Transfers aren't that easy and aren't that fast.
I can't deal with this anymore. She never really listens to any advice I give her. She sends me an average of 50-60 mags a day. I do my best to help her but ugh so annoying!!
She keeps saying she's going to leave one day when he's working but I highly doubt it and then the abuse will continue.
She said he's forcing her to move with him and I said no, you're letting him control your life and you're giving in. If you don't give in and get a cop involved, you'll also be safe and not have to worry about what he might do to u. ??????. I feel like I've completely wasted my time on this.
I told her, the Only way she can get away from him safely is to go to the police station Now!! Tell them all about the physical and emotional abuse and tell them he's trying to force her to move out of state. I told her the cops will go to his place, possibly arrest him bc he's wanted anyways (I think), if she chooses to press charges, he will be arrested. But I told her, either way, the cops will be there to help her get her stuff, they'll help her with taking her name off his vehicles and they'll help with other stuff. I told her I'm Trying to save her the trouble of doing all this later if she does it Now!!
I'm overly frustrated with her. She wants to stay safe yet she's still giving in to everything he says and what he's forcing her to do.
I'm overly frustrated with her. She wants to stay safe yet she's still giving in to everything he says and what he's forcing her to do.