How to go about telling my mother about our relationship

[TemporaryCircumstances]

So, apparently someone told my mother that I hate it at her house, and I feel as if we don't have a good relationship. Which is true, but it has been this way for years. We've tried fixing it by talking it out and coming up with a plan to stop arguing and all of that, but every time it fails so I quit trying and I started working on myself and tried to keep quiet, stop arguing and staying respectful no matter what.

She brought this up a couple days ago and asked if I was willing to talk with her and come up with a plan. I said no, I'm not willing to sit and talk with her unless we are talking with a therapist.

The reason for this is because she denies anything I say she does and then turns and blames everything on me or makes me feel bad, so I want someone that can mediate.

She kept trying to push it but I said no until she left it alone. But this doesn't stop that I will still have to talk to her again. I've tried every way of talking to her, I've planned out what I'm going to say and i haven't but it never works.



Does anyone have any tips? :/

 

[WineRose]

How to Start Talking to Your Parents About Your First Relationship

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

How to Start Talking to Your Parents About Your First Relationship

XD I'm not dating anyone though

 

[G00WZ]

Mine was the same way and i didn't like living at home either... what worked for me was to find out what she was always arguing about and to find a solution for whatever it was. My mom was the type who would like to argue over nothing and nitpick because she didn't really know how to communicate properly because she was under a lot of stress most of the time. Sometimes its best to just bear with it admirably while choosing not to engage in arguing back.. Some people don't know how to turn their feelings into words so they would rather just argue, and for some that's all they know how to do at the time...All i can say is take this time to perfect yourself, so you can lead by example.

 

[elizabethlear]

I don't know if I have any tips. But my mom and I are the same way. When I moved out at 18 and only saw her 3-4 times a year for a couple years, our time together was always much more pleasant and actually enjoyable. Well, I moved back in with my parents about a year ago and things were fine for the first month until we got in a fight and it's kind of been an on edge relationship since then.

Sometimes all you need is space, which I know is probably hard to do when you are only 15.

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

Mine was the same way and i didn't like living at home either... what worked for me was to find out what she was always arguing about and to find a solution for whatever it was. My mom was the type who would like to argue over nothing and nitpick because she didn't really know how to communicate properly because she was under a lot of stress most of the time. Sometimes its best to just bear with it admirably while choosing not to engage in arguing back.. Some people don't know how to turn their feelings into words so they would rather just argue, and for some that's all they know how to do at the time...All i can say is take this time to perfect yourself, so you can lead by example.

Yeah, I'm trying to do that. I've started fixing myself instead of trying to fix her. It's not easy....haha....

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

I don't know if I have any tips. But my mom and I are the same way. When I moved out at 18 and only saw her 3-4 times a year for a couple years, our time together was always much more pleasant and actually enjoyable. Well, I moved back in with my parents about a year ago and things were fine for the first month until we got in a fight and it's kind of been an on edge relationship since then.

Sometimes all you need is space, which I know is probably hard to do when you are only 15.

Yeah.... I don't know how I can get more space :/

 

[Depleted]

So, apparently someone told my mother that I hate it at her house, and I feel as if we don't have a good relationship. Which is true, but it has been this way for years. We've tried fixing it by talking it out and coming up with a plan to stop arguing and all of that, but every time it fails so I quit trying and I started working on myself and tried to keep quiet, stop arguing and staying respectful no matter what.

She brought this up a couple days ago and asked if I was willing to talk with her and come up with a plan. I said no, I'm not willing to sit and talk with her unless we are talking with a therapist.

The reason for this is because she denies anything I say she does and then turns and blames everything on me or makes me feel bad, so I want someone that can mediate.

She kept trying to push it but I said no until she left it alone. But this doesn't stop that I will still have to talk to her again. I've tried every way of talking to her, I've planned out what I'm going to say and i haven't but it never works.



Does anyone have any tips? :/

When you said you'd be willing to go with her to counseling, did she understand the counselor's job was mediation?

It's important, because she is a counselor, so she really won't get why she needs counseling in the traditional sense. That would be like my hubby asking me to learn how to cook more and telling him I need a good cook to teach me how. He is a good cook, so he should be insulted, unless I could tell him why him teaching me wouldn't work for me.

Mediator she might get. Counselor she won't.

 

[Ugly]

Hi Temp
One of the most difficult people to talk to are people who don't take responsibility for their actions and put the blame on others. Such people have a Very low rate of change. Change happens when someone acknowledged their wrong behavior and is motivated to want to so things differently. If someone is not willing to own their behavior change isn't possible because, inthwir minds, there's nothing they need to change.
Some people do this out of insecurity, maybe others learned find this growing up. Still some are simply narcissists not capable of seeing themselves doing wrong. I think the first two have a better chance at change, though.

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

When you said you'd be willing to go with her to counseling, did she understand the counselor's job was mediation?

It's important, because she is a counselor, so she really won't get why she needs counseling in the traditional sense. That would be like my hubby asking me to learn how to cook more and telling him I need a good cook to teach me how. He is a good cook, so he should be insulted, unless I could tell him why him teaching me wouldn't work for me.

Mediator she might get. Counselor she won't.

....yes? Lol sorry I am confused

 

[preacher4truth]

Does anyone have any tips? :/

Yep. Humble yourself, respect your elders and honor your mother.

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

Hi Temp
One of the most difficult people to talk to are people who don't take responsibility for their actions and put the blame on others. Such people have a Very low rate of change. Change happens when someone acknowledged their wrong behavior and is motivated to want to so things differently. If someone is not willing to own their behavior change isn't possible because, inthwir minds, there's nothing they need to change.
Some people do this out of insecurity, maybe others learned find this growing up. Still some are simply narcissists not capable of seeing themselves doing wrong. I think the first two have a better chance at change, though.

Yeah, and see I've been told that she is a narcissist and uses (gaslighting?) On me. I think that is what it's called don't quote me on it. But if she is, than she isn't going room recognize that she does any of the things I bring up.... mediator or not.... and she will think everything is fixed again just bringing us back to the beginning.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love her and I do have some good moments. Just like two days ago we took a walk and talked about everything and it didn't turn into an argument. But I feel like the bad moment drastically outweigh the good. I don't feel like she loves me, her phone has replaced me, she freaks out over the smallest stuff, like I unplugged a charger and she flippped, she is always making me feel bad when I bring up what she does, she is always saying something about my complextion whether it be my acne or she hates my hair, she is always changing stories to get in her favor, and she doesn't realize anything she does is wrong. She is completely oblivious

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

Yep. Humble yourself, respect your elders and honor your mother.

I've been working on that. She said she didn't know that I thought we had a bad relationship because she felt we never argued. I explained to her the reason we don't "argue" anymore is because I gave up on fixing the relationship and started working on myself.

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

Try to understand and get to know the person underneath the problems that they protrude on the outside.

I've tried...

 

[Depleted]

Yeah.... I don't know how I can get more space :/

You do get space. Space isn't necessarily a place. It can be space for yourself, as in you play vball just for you. That's your me-time, and often me-time is the space we need.

Now, if you need space just to be quietly you in, you can pull that off too. Some me-space I had growing up --
-- The side yard that no one ever went into but me. (I know. You live in an apartment, so probably no side yard, but have you look around the neighborhood to find places no one ever goes yet?)

-- The woods. And, just so you know, "the woods" I'm remembering were about 7-10 trees on an empty lot that no one had built a house on yet. Not many passed by that lot to start with, and the ones who did, were so busy going wherever they were going, they never looked in the lot to see a girl quietly sitting under one of the trees.

-- The bamboo forest. I really should get around to going by that spot again to see if they really were bamboo, but it was the side of the entrance to my grade school, and it looked like a big bush, until you walked into it. If you did that, it looked like about 10 feet by 10 feet of bamboo jungle with a clearing big enough for up to three girls to sit in. And no one could see us in there because of the foliage. Great place at school when all the boys were "picking on me."

-- My "go to your special place" place. You know how shrinks tend to have you close your eyes and go to a very special place in your mind? I still do that, and it's still the same spot. When I was your age, I lived in a development in VA. My uncles were the one developing the development, but there was one place they couldn't/wouldn't build a house no matter how much people begged them too. It was beautiful. Surrounds on three sides by mountain, and the fourth side by a slow moving river. And it was called "The Bottomland" for good reason. It really was beautiful. You just didn't want to be there in spring, because that river became a lake and flooded that field every year. Not there. That was usually also just a field of 10 foot high weeds. (The floods brought Indian spearheads to that spot, so well worth venturing there. Just not a special place.)

But to get there on foot, I had to walk along a path between a cliff and that river. Picture ferns, moss-covered tree stumps under a canopy of trees, with some sun speckling in. Under that cliff was a cave. Nope, never found the cave. There had been a landslide before that, so very rocky before the cliff, and the only way to find the cave was to move the rocks. I liked to climb onto one of those rocks. That gives something of the sizes of the rocks that had to be moved. But the best part was there was a breeze coming out from that cave. (Caves breathe.) 55 degree air hitting me in the back in summer. Absolutely beautiful spot, and that is still my imaginary "special place" to this day.

-- Our garden. Again, I get it. You live in an apartment complex, so probably think you can't do a garden. Ha! You don't know if you can or can't, until you ask. It doesn't have to be big. It just has to be big enough to need your attention for half an hour every day in summer. Mine is 14' X 14', in the back of a rowhome in the city. If I stand up, I see up to four neighbor's-yards, with lots of concrete, and very little vegetation. BUT, if I sit down at our little dinner table, (hubby grills too lol), it rivals English gardens! We have to plant, weed, and pick every day. (We each got our first two raspberries of the season yesterday! Yippee! Up there with free chocolate. lol) But, our minds are freed when we do the work, and more free to just sit there and enjoy it.

I get you're living conditions are crowded. That doesn't mean you can't have "Monkey" space.

And, if you're not an outdoors kind of person, (which oddly enough, I'm not either), there is always the girl's locker room when there is no gym that period.

As for what you have now with your stepmom? I know this is hard to believe, but 18 is right around the corner. When I was in high school, I had to move every summer, making me New Girl four years in a row. It's agony! Add to that, two of the moves included Mom leaving Dad (the year I discovered the cliff before The Bottomland), and then going back to Dad when Mom died. I honestly didn't think life could be worse in high school.

But, all these years later, and high school was a mere four years. Not long at all. Long enough, but not forever. 37 months from now you'll be making your move on whatever comes after high school for you. "Temporary" means something big!

 

[Depleted]

....yes? Lol sorry I am confused

Try telling her why you would like to resolve your issues with each other with a mediator -- an impartial arbitrator. That person really might end up being a counselor, but at least your stepmom gets why you want to meet with someone who can arbitrate. She's busy thinking you can't go to a counselor along with her, because she is a counselor, thus a counselor can't tell her anything she doesn't already know. An arbitrator can tell her stuff she doesn't know.

You know, from everything you've told about her, I really think she's a nice lady who tries hard. She just gets stuck on thinking she understands everything, but she's not as good at child-raising as she thinks she is. If you can find someone who can negotiate between the two of you, who doesn't know either of you well enough to form a bias, and isn't a counselor (because then the person is going to be bias toward another counselor, or stepmom is going to feel threatened with anything that sounds like she can't raise children), you might get somewhere and develop a relationship with her.

And, if that doesn't work, there is something that will happen later on. Once you become an adult in her eyes, she will change how she sees you. Two women, instead of stepmom and stepdaughter. It's weird, but it does happen eventually that the people who raise us start considering us equal instead of young padawan learner. (Sorry. Been watching Star Wars this last week. lol)

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

You do get space. Space isn't necessarily a place. It can be space for yourself, as in you play vball just for you. That's your me-time, and often me-time is the space we need.

Now, if you need space just to be quietly you in, you can pull that off too. Some me-space I had growing up --
-- The side yard that no one ever went into but me. (I know. You live in an apartment, so probably no side yard, but have you look around the neighborhood to find places no one ever goes yet?)

-- The woods. And, just so you know, "the woods" I'm remembering were about 7-10 trees on an empty lot that no one had built a house on yet. Not many passed by that lot to start with, and the ones who did, were so busy going wherever they were going, they never looked in the lot to see a girl quietly sitting under one of the trees.

-- The bamboo forest. I really should get around to going by that spot again to see if they really were bamboo, but it was the side of the entrance to my grade school, and it looked like a big bush, until you walked into it. If you did that, it looked like about 10 feet by 10 feet of bamboo jungle with a clearing big enough for up to three girls to sit in. And no one could see us in there because of the foliage. Great place at school when all the boys were "picking on me."

-- My "go to your special place" place. You know how shrinks tend to have you close your eyes and go to a very special place in your mind? I still do that, and it's still the same spot. When I was your age, I lived in a development in VA. My uncles were the one developing the development, but there was one place they couldn't/wouldn't build a house no matter how much people begged them too. It was beautiful. Surrounds on three sides by mountain, and the fourth side by a slow moving river. And it was called "The Bottomland" for good reason. It really was beautiful. You just didn't want to be there in spring, because that river became a lake and flooded that field every year. Not there. That was usually also just a field of 10 foot high weeds. (The floods brought Indian spearheads to that spot, so well worth venturing there. Just not a special place.)

But to get there on foot, I had to walk along a path between a cliff and that river. Picture ferns, moss-covered tree stumps under a canopy of trees, with some sun speckling in. Under that cliff was a cave. Nope, never found the cave. There had been a landslide before that, so very rocky before the cliff, and the only way to find the cave was to move the rocks. I liked to climb onto one of those rocks. That gives something of the sizes of the rocks that had to be moved. But the best part was there was a breeze coming out from that cave. (Caves breathe.) 55 degree air hitting me in the back in summer. Absolutely beautiful spot, and that is still my imaginary "special place" to this day.

-- Our garden. Again, I get it. You live in an apartment complex, so probably think you can't do a garden. Ha! You don't know if you can or can't, until you ask. It doesn't have to be big. It just has to be big enough to need your attention for half an hour every day in summer. Mine is 14' X 14', in the back of a rowhome in the city. If I stand up, I see up to four neighbor's-yards, with lots of concrete, and very little vegetation. BUT, if I sit down at our little dinner table, (hubby grills too lol), it rivals English gardens! We have to plant, weed, and pick every day. (We each got our first two raspberries of the season yesterday! Yippee! Up there with free chocolate. lol) But, our minds are freed when we do the work, and more free to just sit there and enjoy it.

I get you're living conditions are crowded. That doesn't mean you can't have "Monkey" space.

And, if you're not an outdoors kind of person, (which oddly enough, I'm not either), there is always the girl's locker room when there is no gym that period.

As for what you have now with your stepmom? I know this is hard to believe, but 18 is right around the corner. When I was in high school, I had to move every summer, making me New Girl four years in a row. It's agony! Add to that, two of the moves included Mom leaving Dad (the year I discovered the cliff before The Bottomland), and then going back to Dad when Mom died. I honestly didn't think life could be worse in high school.

But, all these years later, and high school was a mere four years. Not long at all. Long enough, but not forever. 37 months from now you'll be making your move on whatever comes after high school for you. "Temporary" means something big!

In our old apartment I used to sit outside the apartment at night and that was my "me time". I knew the layout of everything miles away....
I guess I could do that at the apartment now.
At my step mothers house I have told them that at least for an hour every day I need "me time" so that's fine over there.

I do like going in the woods but there is nothing close, we have to drive. So maybe next year?

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

Try telling her why you would like to resolve your issues with each other with a mediator -- an impartial arbitrator. That person really might end up being a counselor, but at least your stepmom gets why you want to meet with someone who can arbitrate. She's busy thinking you can't go to a counselor along with her, because she is a counselor, thus a counselor can't tell her anything she doesn't already know. An arbitrator can tell her stuff she doesn't know.

You know, from everything you've told about her, I really think she's a nice lady who tries hard. She just gets stuck on thinking she understands everything, but she's not as good at child-raising as she thinks she is. If you can find someone who can negotiate between the two of you, who doesn't know either of you well enough to form a bias, and isn't a counselor (because then the person is going to be bias toward another counselor, or stepmom is going to feel threatened with anything that sounds like she can't raise children), you might get somewhere and develop a relationship with her.

And, if that doesn't work, there is something that will happen later on. Once you become an adult in her eyes, she will change how she sees you. Two women, instead of stepmom and stepdaughter. It's weird, but it does happen eventually that the people who raise us start considering us equal instead of young padawan learner. (Sorry. Been watching Star Wars this last week. lol)

Oh this one is with my mother not step mom.
And if I tell her that she is going to try to get a family member to mediate. She's tried it before. My family does not like me lol

 

[brighthouse98]

Hi Temporary,I sure cannot speak for others about this problem which got solved, so I hope what I am about to say strikes a chord within you. It really is not going to matter who gets involved when looking to help you both,they are not always going to be around, so in the end it really comes down to the both of you,and as you know words are very powerful!!( Proverbs 18:21)

When I came home after the Lord saved me,I to, had many problems with family members, in my case it was my mom and my brother.This is not odd sis,rather this is promised to happen!!( matt 10:34-39!!)Once I myself understood this promise,I then could better be led by Holy Spirit( Rom 8:14-15) in both my words and my deeds!

Another words I have made myself accountable! Of course family knowing you as you once were look to always speak to you upon a level they themselves can understand! Your old you! Long story short! Family got even more mad at me,because they looked to push the buttons of old which were not working for them now!! LOL I was not glad about this, but rather sad because it seemed that Jesus in me for some reason was still not being seen by them!!

Upon prayer Holy Spirit spoke this unto my heart.( 2 Cor 4:7-18!!)verse 16-18!! Don't lose heart sister!! I found out that by treating them as if they were believers which at the start angered them, later brought them more peace about me! ( Rom 2:4!!!!) Yes I made some mistakes along the way! But after 4 to 5 months,they came around!

They both became believers because of what they had to see to believe! Jesus did do something truly to me, and my words and yes even my very deeds! You sister cannot be accountable for others,only you,I know you wish you could but if that were possible then dear sister each of us would lose the wonderful freedom we now have through our Jesus!( Gal 5:13-15!!) What is so very important to you sister is that you yourself do not lose heart!!

Because sometimes with others all we truly have is God's hope for them!!( Rom 15:13!!!) I found sister I cannot give to others what I myself am not walking in myself,no matter how I feel! Feeling are what the flesh looks to measure another by,Jesus is not moved by anothers feeling,he rather looks at the heart.( 1 Sam 16:7) Hence why for us we remember how we are a work in progress,well so are they sis!!( Phil 1:6) I hope this brings you comfort in your mindset!! It is just testing time for you is all!!( 1 peter 4:12-16!!!) Blessing!!

 

[Fenner]

Natalia, how was or is the relationship between your Mom and her Mom? My Mom and I have had our differences but normal stuff. My Mom has never been an emotional person, my Grandmother wasn't either. I am, I was and still am a cuddly . I had severe separation anxiety as a child. School was horrible for me. My Mom didn't quite get it. I have a good Mom and now she looks back and says things like, I should have hugged more. She hugged and cuddled her Grandchildren a lot, so I think she felt she missed out on that with us.

Your Mom may not understand her actions because that's what she grew up with maybe?