Who Should Be Teaching Sex Education?

[seoulsearch]

Hello Everyone,

I am interested in hearing from people of all walks of life, and most especially Christian parents, about the topic of sex education. Specifically, I would like to know:

1. Who taught you about sex?

2. Who do you feel should be teaching our children and young adults about sex?

The poll is multiple choice, so you can choose as many answers as you wish.

When I was 9 years old, my Mom and I read a book together that was designed for helping parents talk to their children about the birds and the bees. Now I know some people may be thinking, "How horrible!! What 9-year-old needs to hear about sex?" But my parents' thinking was that they wanted their kids to be educated in case any form of abuse were to happen--they wanted us to be able to recognize if something wrong was happening and to report it to them immediately.

I can still remember reading "the crucial part" out loud to my Mom... then scrunching up my nose and saying, "But Mom, I just don't see how it could all work together!" She laughed out loud and said, "Oh believe me, honey, it does!" This is one of the biggest blessings I've had in my life--parents who love each other and have a good relationship. My Mom always gave me the impression that sex with your husband was a privilege, not a duty, chore, or bargaining chip.

As I posted earlier in the Singles Forum, I went to Lutheran schools starting with kindergarten and throughout high school, and while I value the Christian education for the strong Biblical background, sex was NEVER talked about and merely implied as a DON'T: 1. DON'T do it. 2. DON'T think about it. 3. And for the love of God, DON'T ask us about it!

I recently participated in a young adults group at a friend's church, and the book they are reading made, what I personally felt, was an excellent point: "How can an individual expect to go their entire life completely shunning every aspect of sexuality and then suddenly be able to produce their sexual being immediately after getting married, complete, whole, intact... and ready to utilize?"

I know that some Christians feel sex should not be talked about at all (and for some, it's a subject that's too painful and personal, which I completely understand,) but for me personally, I see far too many people suffering in some way regarding this subject to remain silent. I try to respect people's opinions but at the same time, I'm going to be who God made me to be (interestingly enough, I see the same thing happening in terms of the subject of money--people don't want to talk about it and suddenly there's a big mess in their face but yet they won't discuss it.)

My personal opinion is, and you can feel free to disagree, that since God Himself designed sex, I truly believe He wants us to be educated and feel open to talk about it with someone (in a Christian manner of course! I am NOT, in any way, shape, or form endorsing the world's view of sex or "education" about it. In fact, I believe that if the church provided education about this subject, people wouldn't feel they have to look to the world in order to talk about it.)

The reason I'm writing this thread is because I work with many Christian parents who are telling me about the struggles they are having in their own marriages and with their children in particular, such as:

-- A preteen who is constantly made fun of at school and shunned from social groups for being a virgin.

-- A teenager who is being told by friends that it's "cool" to be able to say you've experimented with homosexuality and/or bisexuality.

-- A teen who is sneaking out and/or devising dishonest ways to secretly meet with someone they've been forbidden to see.

-- A teen who is in an emotionally abusive relationship but won't cut contact with the person involved.

-- Constant pressure to have sex in some way... and in some cases, in as many ways as possible.

In light of all these issues, as I said, who should be talking to and helping to guide our young people regarding these very tough situations?

Should parents alone be expected to carry the entire burden? Does your church provide any help or support, and if so, in what forms?

I greatly admire parents, Christian parents especially (seeing as I don't have children myself), and feel very disheartened at the amount of stress they must go through in raising their kids.

Any thoughts, opinions, and experiences, if you'd like to share them, would be greatly appreciated!!

 

[jangel]

this has been the current issue in our country today our Education Secretary wanted Sex Education to be integrated in regular subjects including science, health, physical education...in elementary and high schools and will start teaching basic sex education , they believe it will be better if the schools teach sex education rather than children just picking this up from just anywhere like the Internet and as it used to be the Roman church highly opposed to this. The church believes that sex education should be the primary responsibility of parents. If it is taught to students, it should not start in grade school but in college.

In my opinion, we could not control individuals mind and we could not avoid those young minds knowing the existence of sex but I don't think it should be thought in grade school, I will consider it in higher level. Sex education is a broad topic this is not something like what can you read in the magazines or what, but it needs to be clear the main scope and limitation of the teaching. But I will not consider it to be teach in church either. In my experienced, my parents never talked about this matter as we grow up and I don't think we will ever talked about it what we instead talk about is the word of God but that doesn't make me ignorant about sex. In my grade school I remember when we are learning about reproductive health and my teacher posted this reproductive organs of both sexes, it's like the whole class were laughing, It was kind of odd at first but it went well. I would say I overcome my teenage days without having those pressures. I strongly believe it's not teaching sex education that matters but instead being responsible in every way with your acts specially adults and giving respect to yourselves as the temple of God. If at your young age you were being teach the fear of the Lord this wouldn't be a problem, as you grow up (Proverbs 9:10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom...) I don't understand also why preteens should be ashamed of being a virgin if they are concern on how to please God. We should always ask ourselves if I'm doing this thing to please God or just for the people around me.
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.(Proverbs 22:6)

 

[seoulsearch]

Hi Jangel,

Thank you for your thoughts and post.

I just wanted to clarify for everyone, in the above example, the preteen above is being made fun of and shut out by the other kids at school (it's a public school and one of the best in the area) because they all have parents who allow them to "date", talk to members of the opposite sex on the phone, have them over, and in some cases, these kids are having sex.

This preteen is being raised by a single mom who is trying her hardest to follow God's will and ways, but as you can imagine, the preteen is feeling very resentful and rebellious at being brought up with a different set of much stricter rules than the other kids (especially since the mother became a Christian only about 4 years ago.)

Some of the parents I mentioned are also dealing with finding out that their kids are in fact having sex, and so they struggle with how to punish, discipline, and prevent further activity from taking place.

 

[jangel]

This is not just learning about sex education this is specifically about sexual intercourse, my question is why would this kids do that in that girl, and how come they have that kind of thinking...and where in the right world losing your virginity is qualification to be accepted in the group... and why this kids are doing such immoral acts and being proud of it??! Where did they learn all of this...??? Personality develops first at home second in the environment where we are into outside the home, this kids obviously are lacking the right guidance from their parents, and so its easy for them to catch things up what the world is doing and since the older ones are doing this also proudly then they think also its OK and its like being the new trend right now that everyone should follow. It's not that kids have to be teach what aren't right things to do but I believe kids should be filled in in their minds the right things to do and teach them to be responsible at the very young age. It doesn't matter if your a single parent if you really want to be a good parent. Punishing them or hurting them I don't think would work for this kids ... they say if you do something bad , you just want to get some attention... a serious talk maybe...with care...with love... not being hard but gentle

 

[Wonderland]

My daughter is 17 months and we are already talking about sex. Ok, not sex per se, but she is learning the real names of all her body parts, so that when she gets older she does not feel embarrassed to use those words when she talks to me. And that's what I want--for her to TALK to me!! We are going to start sex education when she is young because let's face it--9, 10, 11 and 12 year olds are having sex all the time--sad but true. So when my daughter goes to school and finds out her classmate is having sex she can come home to me and ask me about it, and I will give her the facts. I'm sure she will get TONS of information from her friends, kids on the bus, advertising, etc., but I want her to trust me to give her the right information no matter what age it becomes interesting to her (and sadly, that age will probably come WAY too soon, but that is reality).

The message I and her father are going to stress to her at all ages is that she needs to PROTECT her sexuality in EVERY WAY--what she hears, sees, does, what other people do to her, etc. I am going to let her know that God values purity, and so do I and her father. We will use inevitabe sexual exposure (adverstisements, friends, etc.) as learning opportunities to talk about what the message is saying, why it is saying that, and what is bad about it, etc. I will also be forthright to her about sex, options that are available for protection, STDS, risk of pregnancy, etc. I value education very highly, and do not believe that her having accurate knowledge about sex is going to 'push her in the wrong direction' but rather it is the ATTITUDE I will try to instill in her that will make the difference: sex is not wrong or bad when it is done right, and until she is married it cannot be 'right.' HOWEVER it will ultimately be up to her to make the decision to protect her sexuality, and I want to be available and open to her to help her along the way. Therefore, I can't be afriad to talk about it with her, and that's why we are starting young--to break down the embarrassment before it develops. Of course in everything I believe in balance, and I will always consider her developmental age in all conversations.

 

[seoulsearch]

Wonderland,

I think it's wonderful that you are planning to have as open and honest of a relationship with your daughter as possible. I also love your belief that a young person should be told their sexuality is something to be protected and guarded, not just freely given away to anyone who wants it.

Jangel,

I'm not sure what it's like in your country but here in the US, young people often take cues from television, movies, music stars, etc., and unfortunately, most of those sources are not positive role models at all. I wrote about this in another post, but I was surprised to hear a teen singing Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" in the You Sing room here on CC a few weeks ago.

Lady Gaga is openly bisexual, and has stated that this particular song was about having sex with a boyfriend while thinking about women. Even if you'd never read or seen her interview, lyrics blatantly stated within this song such as, "With my muffin, I'm not bluffin" should kind of give away the fact that this particular tune isn't exactly something you'd hear the choir singing at church.

Unfortunately, many people here aspire to what they see on TV or hear on the radio... And right now, "anything goes" is the popular message on shows targeted toward adolescents: 90210, Gossip Girls, etc., leading many to think this is the "cool" or "fun" way to be. Even "innocent" programs like the ever-popular Hannah Montana are really just soap operas targeted towards kids, with the most common themes revolving around boys, parties, and what to wear.

And, in all reality, some of these kids are seeing other adults living this way in their own families or in their friends' families, which leads them to state, "If Mom or Dad is bringing home a new boyfriend/girlfriend every other week, why can't I?"

I work with some teens and young adults in very heartbreaking situations--they feel that a parent has chosen a significant other over them, and it causes them to stop trusting adults and have the belief that they are on their own and should be free to do whatever they want, just as they believe their parents are doing.

However, I also feel for the parents involved because they must feel a tremendous loneliness, especially if they've lost a spouse due to circumstances they couldn't control, and like all human beings, crave adult companionship along with trying to balance the needs of their children.

In an ideal Christian setting, of course some of these things should not be happening. But, it's real life... and even with the best of intentions, things like this will still happen.

 

[HumbleSaint]

I guess I don't see the point of teaching sex education. As many teen pregnacies as there are, it must not be that hard to figure out.

 

[jimmydiggs]

1. Who taught you about sex?

I was ten years old, don't remember the exact timing but it was warm out so spring or summer. Mom called my brothers and I into the kitchen, had us sit at the table. She started talking about the "birds and the bees". I immediately said. "Mooooooommmm, do we really have to do this? I already know how it works, I've seen the pigs, cattle,cats, and our dog do it! I already know what it is."

Regardless, she explained a little bit further of the "age-appropriate" stuff. Then we ran out to play.

2. Who do you feel should be teaching our children and young adults about sex?

Parents defintely need to lay the ground work, and constantly remind what is right/wrong, based upon the rules of their household. This goes for Christian, Jewish, Muslim, any theist or nontheist. After that, schools can have their turn, but schools shouldn't avoid reality.

The reality is, that if you want to avoid many of the complications, such as disease, pregnancy, and of course the drama that can come around while in a high school environment, is abstinence. That does not mean the school should teach abstinence only, but definitely abstinence orientated.

I have gone to public school all my life. I've had to sit through being pulled into the gym class with all the other boys, having to watch videos, while the immature ones giggled, in the 6th grade. While I sat there wondering, "why are we watching this?" There was nothing there I didn't already know, and I would have much rather been reading my Redwall book.

Public schools will do as they will. Schools in more socially liberal areas, are more likely to reaffirm that position in the school. The schools will teach, that homosexuality is just as natural, and should be a celebrated alternative lifestyle.

Schools in more socially conservative areas, are less likely to.

As far as Christian schools, I would assume, permission from parents first, and a bit of an explanation of what would be covered. Which would be decided by the parents through a meeting. Some issues would have to be debated, such as contraception. The topic might have to be dropped entirely, and left to the parents to discuss with their children.

In my opinion, the "forbidden fruit method", works more on some than others. That is to simply say, "This is what it is, and wait until you are married." Instead, it should be the, "why it is forbidden fruit method." Which would be to say, "This is what it is, wait until you are married, because.....blah blah blah"

The reason I'm writing this thread is because I work with many Christian parents who are telling me about the struggles they are having in their own marriages and with their children in particular, such as:

-- A preteen who is constantly made fun of at school and shunned from social groups for being a virgin.

In this case, why bother trying to be part of the social group?

-- A teenager who is being told by friends that it's "cool" to be able to say you've experimented with homosexuality and/or bisexuality.

-- A teen who is sneaking out and/or devising dishonest ways to secretly meet with someone they've been forbidden to see.

-- A teen who is in an emotionally abusive relationship but won't cut contact with the person involved.

-- Constant pressure to have sex in some way... and in some cases, in as many ways as possible.

To this, I have no good response, as I have no experience or formed opinions on this, other than simply, "Stay true to your values."

 

[jimmydiggs]

As many teen pregnacies as there are, it must not be that hard to figure out.

So true. So very very true.

 

[seoulsearch]

I was ten years old, don't remember the exact timing but it was warm out so spring or summer. Mom called my brothers and I into the kitchen, had us sit at the table. She started talking about the "birds and the bees". I immediately said. "Mooooooommmm, do we really have to do this? I already know how it works, I've seen the pigs, cattle,cats, and our dog do it! I already know what it is."

Regardless, she explained a little bit further of the "age-appropriate" stuff. Then we ran out to play.


Parents defintely need to lay the ground work, and constantly remind what is right/wrong, based upon the rules of their household. This goes for Christian, Jewish, Muslim, any theist or nontheist. After that, schools can have their turn, but schools shouldn't avoid reality.

The reality is, that if you want to avoid many of the complications, such as disease, pregnancy, and of course the drama that can come around while in a high school environment, is abstinence. That does not mean the school should teach abstinence only, but definitely abstinence orientated.

I have gone to public school all my life. I've had to sit through being pulled into the gym class with all the other boys, having to watch videos, while the immature ones giggled, in the 6th grade. While I sat there wondering, "why are we watching this?" There was nothing there I didn't already know, and I would have much rather been reading my Redwall book.

Public schools will do as they will. Schools in more socially liberal areas, are more likely to reaffirm that position in the school. The schools will teach, that homosexuality is just as natural, and should be a celebrated alternative lifestyle.

Schools in more socially conservative areas, are less likely to.

As far as Christian schools, I would assume, permission from parents first, and a bit of an explanation of what would be covered. Which would be decided by the parents through a meeting. Some issues would have to be debated, such as contraception. The topic might have to be dropped entirely, and left to the parents to discuss with their children.

In my opinion, the "forbidden fruit method", works more on some than others. That is to simply say, "This is what it is, and wait until you are married." Instead, it should be the, "why it is forbidden fruit method." Which would be to say, "This is what it is, wait until you are married, because.....blah blah blah"






In this case, why bother trying to be part of the social group?





To this, I have no good response, as I have no experience or formed opinions on this, other than simply, "Stay true to your values."

I really enjoyed your post, especially since I obviously didn't go to public schools growing up and therefore, have no clue as to what the public schools really teach.

As for my friend's daughter being shunned for being a virgin... it's hard to go through school feeling as if you don't fit in with anyone and feeling as if you don't have friends (I do realize some kids are "loners" but my friend's daughter craves a social circle), especially when you're in that adolescent stage.

Additionally, she is biracial and extremely beautiful, but many people don't know how to react to her, pulling the usual stupid cruelties such as, "Are you... (one race or the other... which one have you chosen to be), etc." For her, following Christian values is just another thing people give her grief for, along with her skin color, which certainly doesn't make it any easier.

 

[Matthew]

The parents are at the centre of the circle with teachers just outside of them and if they all do a good job kids will be able to withstand the teasing, peer pressure and all the rest.

It is important for parents to begin talking openly with their kids at a young age in broad terms so the topic doesn't seem off limits to talk about when they come into their teens and it all goes crazy, parental support is crucial.

Add to that kids need competent teachers so they can learn the biological side of things, that will always involve a degree of joking and making fun because that's how young teenagers deal with the embarassment of being told about their sexual organs along with a class of fellow students, I don't see anything wrong with that as it's important not to make it seem like a deathly private thing that must be held a secret.

With good education on the facts and good support and discussion from parents it should be fine, but like with most thing that happen during teenage years only so much can be done and the kids just have to survive it, can only do our best to prepare them for it.

It would be good if Churches and the Youth Groups within them offered support so that the kids do have another option if they want to keep it private from family members or if they are unable to talk with anyone else.

 

[jimmydiggs]

I really enjoyed your post, especially since I obviously didn't go to public schools growing up and therefore, have no clue as to what the public schools really teach.

Thank you. Personally, I think public schools are failing. As a whole. I whole-heartedly encourage private schooling or homeschooling.

As for my friend's daughter being shunned for being a virgin... it's hard to go through school feeling as if you don't fit in with anyone and feeling as if you don't have friends (I do realize some kids are "loners" but my friend's daughter craves a social circle), especially when you're in that adolescent stage.

My experience has been, that I don't really fit in with anyone, and don't really care. I am not saying that everyone should think the way I do. I have friends that are, Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Catholic, Mormon, Atheist, And Agnostic. They were the ones kind to me, so I was kind back. I try to be kind, but if someone us unkind to me, I either ignore, or walk away.

As far as the girl being shunned, I'm curious to know whether this is occuring in the U.S., and if so what area? (nothing specific please)

Areas that tend to be more socially liberal, are going to be more permissive of losing the V-Card. Sometimes even encouraging.

For her, following Christian values is just another thing people give her grief for, along with her skin color, which certainly doesn't make it any easier.

It's not easy. Me personally, I don't talk to those that don't believe about it. I always give secular reasons for what I do/think. I've gotten a fair amount of respect for this. I sometimes am asked, "well, what are you?". I just say, "Dustin." I have a friend who is a Baptist, sometimes he will ask me what I think, I will say, "well, I think this this and this, and the bible says this this and this." If an atheist asks me the same question.."well, I think this this and this, because studies show this this and this." It's going to get tougher to profess Christian faith, as it is in rapid decline in the western world. A bit slower in the U.S., but a sure decline none the less.

 

[seoulsearch]

As far as the girl being shunned, I'm curious to know whether this is occuring in the U.S., and if so what area? (nothing specific please)

Areas that tend to be more socially liberal, are going to be more permissive of losing the V-Card. Sometimes even encouraging.


It's not easy. Me personally, I don't talk to those that don't believe about it. I always give secular reasons for what I do/think. I've gotten a fair amount of respect for this. I sometimes am asked, "well, what are you?". I just say, "Dustin." I have a friend who is a Baptist, sometimes he will ask me what I think, I will say, "well, I think this this and this, and the bible says this this and this." If an atheist asks me the same question.."well, I think this this and this, because studies show this this and this." It's going to get tougher to profess Christian faith, as it is in rapid decline in the western world. A bit slower in the U.S., but a sure decline none the less.

To answer your question, the family I am talking about resides in the midwestern United States... ironically, in an area that is thought to be rather conservative, and where issues of race (white and black, most especially) are a very hot topic, even though everyone tries to hide it in order to be "politically correct."

 

[Dread_Zeppelin]

I would love to believe that parents actually talked to their kids about sex but we've left that to our culture. I dont even think it matters because you can't turn on a tv without someone laying in bed with someone else. Children know more about sex now than I did in my teens. Such is life.

Because of our ironically bad parenting and our even more ironic sexual culture schools have to fill the gap. Schools sex education classes are very beneficial and should be taught in highschool. However any teacher (and parents for that matter) should reassure a child that they can be told anything no matter what age.

 

[Maddog]

Here's what I think:

Schools can and should teach the biology of sex. Theoretically, there is no reason why schools should not teach children the ethics of sex (and ethics in other areas for that matter). Problems arise, however (and I am drawing on my own experience of sex education at secondary school), when the teachers or the teaching material is in error on these cruciall ethical points. For example, I remember being given a booklet which told me 'your body is yours to share with whomever you choose'.

So, I think there is a strong case for sexual ethics to be kept out of the curriculum, and a position of neutrality to be maintained by schools on the matter and leave it to the child's parents to bring them up according to their belief system.

There has been cases of outrage at some schools that have taught abstinence before marriage; accusations of being 'irresponsible' or that they are indoctrinating the children. However, I am quick to remember my own experience in school and note that indoctrination is tolerated as long as it's the right kind of indoctrination, that is, of secular morality.

The only way to remain neutral on sexual ethics is to keep your mouth shut. Don't teach the kids that 'it's their decision' because even that is making a moral judgement; simply say nothing. I believe that that is the only way to keep parents of all beliefs content, and also helps spare our from children some of the ridiculous secular relativist morality.

 

[Maddog]

-- A teenager who is being told by friends that it's "cool" to be able to say you've experimented with homosexuality and/or bisexuality.

Wow, really? Last time I was in school, homosexuality was used as an insult. It was most certainly not 'cool' to be gay or to show even a hint of being on the wrong side of the fence.

 

[karuna]

Wow, really? Last time I was in school, homosexuality was used as an insult. It was most certainly not 'cool' to be gay or to show even a hint of being on the wrong side of the fence.

Agreed. Among the young, if you don't like something, it's "gay." I've never been to or heard of this homosexual utopia where it's a badge of honor.

 

[jangel]

this has been a problem not just in the US , even though they will say where I am living is a christian conservative country but not all! That's why they are pushing sex education at early age so early pregnancies will be avoided...as what they thought...it's so sad to know this is like a contagious disease affecting the young ones in our country today and who is responsible?... the older ones. Imitating what they saw or heard in all kinds of media regardless if its right or wrong is happening all over the world and yes it is reality and there's nothing we can do about it but we can still do something for our loved ones as long as in your family or friends someone believes it is not the right thing to do. Having a strong foundation for the right values started at home and that's what we need for the next generation so no matter what's going on outside they can get strength to stand to do whats right from what they have learn but how about if the parents that you're expecting that will guide you to this right values are the one pushing you to do the opposite...well I don't know ...but that doesn't mean if parents are doing things aren't right you will do the same thing too in the end we are still responsible for our own selves.

 

[firest0rm]

I like Wonderland's approach: start the dialogue, and keep the conversation open!

I'm not a parent yet, so I'm no expert, but in my experience, issues that are never discussed become taboo, whether or not that was the parents' intention. I have great parents, and my dad told me when I was younger that he wanted me to feel like I was able to talk to him about anything. But I don't think I felt comfortable asking much about sex, because I would be the one bringing up this "closet" topic that was only addressed that one time when I was ten.

If anyone is interested, I wrote a blog entry along the lines of families discussing sex: Unmarried Christian: Sex and the Unmarried Christian

 

[seoulsearch]

Agreed. Among the young, if you don't like something, it's "gay." I've never been to or heard of this homosexual utopia where it's a badge of honor.

The involved teenager is female.

Seeing as a popular theme among pornography aimed at men is women with women (and I'm amazed at the number of Christian guys who will rant and rave about homosexuality... then kind of grin about the thought of women with women and be like, "Oh... yeah... well... that's different because it's hot,") this young women has had boyfriends in the past but has "decided" she likes "being around women" better... and is receiving nods and some thumbs up from her friends for her decision.