Am I going crazy?

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Silentstepmom

Guest
#1
#1
Hello,

I am engaged to my boyfriend and when we have the money we plan to get married, but his family does not accept me. He has two children, one by someone else, and we have a daughter together. We were going to get married before we got pregnant with her and his family did not even acknowledge it, so I tried to end things because I did not want to be married into his family. When we found out we were pregnant we decided to make it work, which we are now stronger than we were before. I love him dearly, but he never stands up for me and his family is so rude. They belittle me at every chance and always finds ways to talk about his ex (who is married). My soon to be mother-in-law always texts and facebooks his ex and even sent her a wedding gift, but does not ever talk to me or try and arrange to see my daughter. My fiancé and I are constantly praying about this and he wants to keep giving them chance after chance, I don't think I can do it anymore. His parents are in town and already contacted his ex to make plans, even though my fiancé has asked them not to contact her. Am I completely wrong for not wanting to make time to see them while they are in town? I just don't think I want to put that stress into my life right now.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#2
Feb 21, 2014
70,951
9,702
113
#2
I assume you are both Christians? As such, premarital sex is a no no, and you SHOULD have used protection. Now there's an oops baby coming into the world, and into the middle of this mess.

Anyhoo, your fiance sounds like he's unwilling or unable to stick up for you to his parents. Tell him and THEM exactly how you feel about the whole thing. I'd call off the wedding, because if you think things are bad now, they'll be doubly so after you're married. And you shouldn't have to put up with rude inlaws for the duration of your relationship.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#3
Mar 13, 2014
42,739
17,199
113
70
Tennessee
#3
Are you living together at this time? You mentioned needing to have enough money to get married. How are you all making it now financially? Sounds like very much as an hostile environment that you may be married into. Your fiancée really needs to step up to the plate and defend you against attacks from his family. I don't blame you for wanting to avoid them but if you do there will be little opportunity to warm your way into there cold hearts. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
 
S

Silentstepmom

Guest
#4
#4
Thank you for your insight.

Unfortunately, I did not ask about my sin of premarital sex. We both have discussed this with God and have asked for his forgiveness. It happened and in the past, but judging is not your place.

Also, thank you on advice about possibly calling off the wedding for now.
 
Dan_473

Dan_473

Senior Member
#5
Mar 11, 2014
9,054
1,051
113
#5
Silentstepmom said:
Hello,

I am engaged to my boyfriend and when we have the money we plan to get married, but his family does not accept me. He has two children, one by someone else, and we have a daughter together. We were going to get married before we got pregnant with her and his family did not even acknowledge it, so I tried to end things because I did not want to be married into his family. When we found out we were pregnant we decided to make it work, which we are now stronger than we were before. I love him dearly, but he never stands up for me and his family is so rude. They belittle me at every chance and always finds ways to talk about his ex (who is married). My soon to be mother-in-law always texts and facebooks his ex and even sent her a wedding gift, but does not ever talk to me or try and arrange to see my daughter. My fiancé and I are constantly praying about this and he wants to keep giving them chance after chance, I don't think I can do it anymore. His parents are in town and already contacted his ex to make plans, even though my fiancé has asked them not to contact her. Am I completely wrong for not wanting to make time to see them while they are in town? I just don't think I want to put that stress into my life right now.
Click to expand...
no, you're not going crazy.

but you might if you stay on the same road


don't hang around your boyfriend's fam

ask him why he doesn't stick up for you???
 
S

Silentstepmom

Guest
#6
#6
Thank you tourist - We are both full time college students, so a lot of our finances go to bills. I am extremely new to trying to live a Christian life, but I am trying my best. I am still learning how to navigate my new life. I really appreciate your advice and I think it was very helpful. Thank you so much!
 
S

Silentstepmom

Guest
#7
#7
He does not like confrontation and his family can be extremely mean. His mother puts him down too and sometimes he just doesn't want to argue with her. I know it's not right he does not stand up to her, but I also know she can be intimidating and he is passive when it comes to her. We have agreed to stop coming around as much, like going else where for Holidays, but I just feel so much anxiety about this whole situation. Thus, why I came to an online forum.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#8
Feb 21, 2014
70,951
9,702
113
#8
I wasn't judging. :) I was just telling you that it shouldn't have happened, but it's good that you've gotten it right with God.. Have you tried talking to his parents about why they don't like you?


Silentstepmom said:
Thank you for your insight.

Unfortunately, I did not ask about my sin of premarital sex. We both have discussed this with God and have asked for his forgiveness. It happened and in the past, but judging is not your place.

Also, thank you on advice about possibly calling off the wedding for now.
Click to expand...
 
S

Silentstepmom

Guest
#9
#9
Thank you all for the wonderful insight so far.
 
S

Silentstepmom

Guest
#10
#10
blue_ladybug said:
I wasn't judging. :) I was just telling you that it shouldn't have happened, but it's good that you've gotten it right with God.. Have you tried talking to his parents about why they don't like you?
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They insist that they do like me, but I have said multiple times you do not treat someone you like this way. They don't have an answer other than I am over reacting.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#11
Feb 21, 2014
70,951
9,702
113
#11
He and his family sound like me and mine.. lol.. My way of dealing with family, is NOT to deal with them and avoid them as much as possible.. My mom and oldest sister are just mean, nasty people at times and I can't stand being around them so very frequently I bow out of family get togethers, holidays, etc. So I can understand why he doesn't confront them. Unfortunately, confronting them falls onto YOUR lap.


Silentstepmom said:
He does not like confrontation and his family can be extremely mean. His mother puts him down too and sometimes he just doesn't want to argue with her. I know it's not right he does not stand up to her, but I also know she can be intimidating and he is passive when it comes to her. We have agreed to stop coming around as much, like going else where for Holidays, but I just feel so much anxiety about this whole situation. Thus, why I came to an online forum.
Click to expand...
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#12
Feb 21, 2014
70,951
9,702
113
#12
Well, maybe they do like you, but show it in a weird way. Obviously they like his ex ALOT. But they need to realize that she IS his EX, and that YOU are now in the forefront of his life. You have a kid with him, and as grandparents, they should be happy. Sadly, it sounds like they wish he'd dump you and take back the ex. :(

Silentstepmom said:
They insist that they do like me, but I have said multiple times you do not treat someone you like this way. They don't have an answer other than I am over reacting.
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U

Ugly

Guest
#13
#13
Actually, as Christians, it is our place, our obligation, to take note of repeated sins in anothers life and confront them. Especially if that sin is having an affect on the lives of others. Paul himself scolded a church for not confronting a pair of members for their willful sin. It is very much a secular attitude that teaches Christians have no business judging other Christians. Not judging harshly, or standing in judgment, as that's God's job. But we are called to call others out for their good. To ignore it is to be unloving because you are willfully allowing satan a foothold into another believers life.
So while blue exercised the tact of a bull in a china shop, she was right for saying something.
Also you should know that you can't go to a Christian site and leave the impression that you are actively sinning (which is the impression you gave) and expect it to be ignored. Particularly when that sin has brought so many negative consequences into your life already, which is what brought you here seeking help. That sin, even though you stopped, is the core of your current problem, after all.


As to your future in-laws, if they want to be in contact with his ex, that's there business, not yours. And if that ex has asked them to stop, and they are disregarding her, that's her business, not yours. Their behavior in that regard may be obnoxious, but they are free to do it.
Really the problem is you now feeling obligated to stay with someone that does Not have your best interests in mind. You are secondary in his life, not first. He's not 'giving them chances', he's picking them over you. But since he didn't really pick you, because you had originally broken up, but are now back together for the pregnancy, he is probably less on your side now than he was before the breakup. So he is less likely to oppose his parents for your sake.
Usually in situations like this the parents are unwilling to let go of their adult child, and invoke the same manipulative control of them that they did growing up. Most commonly it's guilt. Controlling and manipulative parents of adult children are extremely difficult to change. Even when professional counselors are brought in with experience in these sorts of things, it takes time. Unless the adult child can stop living life for their parents and make their own choices and put their foot down. Even then some parents fight back harder.
You could see if there are counselors in your area that have experience with these situations and go, and your boyfriend go. Even see if (though unlikely) his parents will go too. If your boyfriend goes, you may have a chance, if the parents go, you may have a chance. If neither go chances are quite slim.
But even if everyone changes you still need to ask yourself if this is what's best. Has his feelings about you changed any since the breakup? Have your feelings about him changed since he's refused to back you up? Even if all of the parental stuff works out that does not mean everything will be ok. Go slow, you and your boyfriend need to work out any residual hurts. Otherwise they will snowball.
 
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Silentstepmom

Guest
#14
#14
blue_ladybug said:
Well, maybe they do like you, but show it in a weird way. Obviously they like his ex ALOT. But they need to realize that she IS his EX, and that YOU are now in the forefront of his life. You have a kid with him, and as egrandparents, they should be happy. Sadly, it sounds like they wish he'd dump you and take back the ex. :(
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I agree. But they are both moved on and unfortunately that is not going to happen. His ex is married to someone else. My boyfriend and I are in love, I am not very close with my family and I don't live near biological family, so my first reaction is to avoid his family. Thank you for the advice, I think I will use it. I want to make sure I don't fuel the fire and their attitude towards me, but I also want them to know that behavior is unacceptable.
 
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Silentstepmom

Guest
#15
#15
Ugly said:
Actually, as Christians, it is our place, our obligation, to take note of repeated sins in anothers life and confront them. Especially if that sin is having an affect on the lives of others. Paul himself scolded a church for not confronting a pair of members for their willful sin. It is very much a secular attitude that teaches Christians have no business judging other Christians. Not judging harshly, or standing in judgment, as that's God's job. But we are called to call others out for their good. To ignore it is to be unloving because you are willfully allowing satan a foothold into another believers life.
So while blue exercised the tact of a bull in a china shop, she was right for saying something.
Also you should know that you can't go to a Christian site and leave the impression that you are actively sinning (which is the impression you gave) and expect it to be ignored. Particularly when that sin has brought so many negative consequences into your life already, which is what brought you here seeking help. That sin, even though you stopped, is the core of your current problem, after all.


As to your future in-laws, if they want to be in contact with his ex, that's there business, not yours. And if that ex has asked them to stop, and they are disregarding her, that's her business, not yours. Their behavior in that regard may be obnoxious, but they are free to do it.
Really the problem is you now feeling obligated to stay with someone that does Not have your best interests in mind. You are secondary in his life, not first. He's not 'giving them chances', he's picking them over you. But since he didn't really pick you, because you had originally broken up, but are now back together for the pregnancy, he is probably less on your side now than he was before the breakup. So he is less likely to oppose his parents for your sake.
Usually in situations like this the parents are unwilling to let go of their adult child, and invoke the same manipulative control of them that they did growing up. Most commonly it's guilt. Controlling and manipulative parents of adult children are extremely difficult to change. Even when professional counselors are brought in with experience in these sorts of things, it takes time. Unless the adult child can stop living life for their parents and make their own choices and put their foot down. Even then some parents fight back harder.
You could see if there are counselors in your area that have experience with these situations and go, and your boyfriend go. Even see if (though unlikely) his parents will go too. If your boyfriend goes, you may have a chance, if the parents go, you may have a chance. If neither go chances are quite slim.
But even if everyone changes you still need to ask yourself if this is what's best. Has his feelings about you changed any since the breakup? Have your feelings about him changed since he's refused to back you up? Even if all of the parental stuff works out that does not mean everything will be ok. Go slow, you and your boyfriend need to work out any residual hurts. Otherwise they will snowball.
Click to expand...
Thank you! This has a lot of good insight.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#16
Feb 21, 2014
70,951
9,702
113
#16
Unfortunately, you can't avoid them forever. If they want to spend holidays and whatnot with you and him, or time with their new grandbaby, then the 4 of you need to sit down and talk and come to some sort of mutual agreement.


Silentstepmom said:
I agree. But they are both moved on and unfortunately that is not going to happen. His ex is married to someone else. My boyfriend and I are in love, I am not very close with my family and I don't live near biological family, so my first reaction is to avoid his family. Thank you for the advice, I think I will use it. I want to make sure I don't fuel the fire and their attitude towards me, but I also want them to know that behavior is unacceptable.
Click to expand...
 
S

Silentstepmom

Guest
#17
#17
blue_ladybug said:
Unfortunately, you can't avoid them forever. If they want to spend holidays and whatnot with you and him, or time with their new grandbaby, then the 4 of you need to sit down and talk and come to some sort of mutual agreement.
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Thank you!
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#19
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#19
He is not going to change and his family is not going to change. Do you want to risk your future happiness and welfare of your children on the possibility that you will see the necessary change in him and his family?

If it's not good now it will not get better after you are married.

He seems young to have one family and now is starting another. You are going to do what you want but don't blame God down the road if things do not get better.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
CherieR

CherieR

Senior Member
#20
May 6, 2017
2,283
1,439
113
#20
I think it would be a good idea to talk to his parents about what they are doing that is offending you. Also make mention of it when you are angry about something they did, whether it be his mom, dad or both of them. Talk to the person who offends you personally, one on one. They might respect you for telling them the truth. They might respect you for letting them know that it hurts you when they belittles you. Let them know how wrong it feels to you for them to be contacting your finance's ex.When you keep silent, it is breeding ground for anger to build. This is my personal opinion. I can't tell you much else as I am not married and probably won't get married any time soon. I can't say I relate too well to your situation with his parents. I know that speaking up for yourself can feel good especially if the person listens to you and is understanding.
 
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