Hey Everyone,
Do you have anyone in your life, or have you been around anyone, who is an "Emotional Black Hole"? It doesn't have to be a significant other--it could also be a family member, acquaintance, or friend.
When I say, "An Emotional Black Hole," I'm talking about the person who believes that EVERYONE hurts them, EVERYONE will let them down in some way, they've had it SO MUCH WORSE than anyone else in the world, and because of this, EVERYONE owes them something. ALL they can see is their own pain.
While I have definitely experienced this in relationships, I'm thinking of a particular "friend" I had once who was exactly like this. Now granted, she'd been through a lot of bad things in her life, and despite this, she was hard-working and responsible. But she also felt that she had Suffered More Than Anyone Else In the World, and because of that, she was always taking from people in some way (but in her mind, SHE was doing THEM a favor), and nothing anyone did was ever enough.
I had liked this person a lot--I admired her fiery attitude, razor-sharp wit, and incredibly tenacious work ethic. I really wanted to try to bring some joy into her life. I used to invite her out sometimes, and, knowing she was going through a hard time, would sometimes offer to take care of whatever it took for her to attend. I also enjoyed bringing her small gifts I knew she would like, and tried to listen on the many times she needed to rant about how unfair life always was to her.
But nothing was ever enough, and she never had a good word to say about anyone. Everyone was against her; everyone thought they were better than her; and everyone, she thought, should be doing more to help her. The final straw for me was when I heard her call the very people who helped her the most "fat, lazy (and several other things)" to me and to others around us. I told God, "I don't even want to know what she says about me, and I'm not going to stick around to find out."
One of the reasons why I'm single is because I've ran into this in my dating life as well. I'll meet someone who's been really hurt, and I feel a lot of sympathy for them, and want to try to help. But then I start to realize that nothing I ever do is going to make up for the 20 other women that betrayed them in the past, and nothing is going to make them any less bitter about the 300 life events that happened before meeting me that they're still angry about. They're always going to punish me for someone else's sins against them, and then they'll just accuse me of being another person who "wasn't strong enough" to push past their 8 million defenses and let them down.
It took me many years and lot of wrong turns, but I finally realized I can't fill an emotional hole that only God can deal with.
When thinking about the people like this that I've encountered throughout my life, two songs come to mind:
"What in the world can make a brown-eyed girl turn blue... When everything I ever do, I do for you?" -- Roxette, "The Look", and:
"I am everything you want, I am everything you need, I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be.
I say all the right things, at exactly the right time...
But I mean NOTHING to you, and I don't know why." -- Vertical Horizon, "Everything You Want."
I know these are secular songs and someone out there is going to say, "Well no wonder--you need to put JESUS first and not expect everything you need to come from someone else," and OF COURSE this is true.
But these two song lyrics perfectly embodied the way I felt when I was endlessly giving of myself, trying to both fill and yet pull myself away from a swirling vortex of emptiness that no one person was ever meant to fill by themselves.
* What experiences have you had with people who have Emotional Black Holes? (For the sake of privacy, you don't have to tell us who they were, and if you want, you can even say, "I saw a friend deal with someone who..." or something inconspicuous like that.)
* How did you handle it (or how are you still handling it), and what lessons have you learned?
I'll let this thread stew for a while before dropping the second part.
Thank you for sharing and God bless!
Do you have anyone in your life, or have you been around anyone, who is an "Emotional Black Hole"? It doesn't have to be a significant other--it could also be a family member, acquaintance, or friend.
When I say, "An Emotional Black Hole," I'm talking about the person who believes that EVERYONE hurts them, EVERYONE will let them down in some way, they've had it SO MUCH WORSE than anyone else in the world, and because of this, EVERYONE owes them something. ALL they can see is their own pain.
While I have definitely experienced this in relationships, I'm thinking of a particular "friend" I had once who was exactly like this. Now granted, she'd been through a lot of bad things in her life, and despite this, she was hard-working and responsible. But she also felt that she had Suffered More Than Anyone Else In the World, and because of that, she was always taking from people in some way (but in her mind, SHE was doing THEM a favor), and nothing anyone did was ever enough.
I had liked this person a lot--I admired her fiery attitude, razor-sharp wit, and incredibly tenacious work ethic. I really wanted to try to bring some joy into her life. I used to invite her out sometimes, and, knowing she was going through a hard time, would sometimes offer to take care of whatever it took for her to attend. I also enjoyed bringing her small gifts I knew she would like, and tried to listen on the many times she needed to rant about how unfair life always was to her.
But nothing was ever enough, and she never had a good word to say about anyone. Everyone was against her; everyone thought they were better than her; and everyone, she thought, should be doing more to help her. The final straw for me was when I heard her call the very people who helped her the most "fat, lazy (and several other things)" to me and to others around us. I told God, "I don't even want to know what she says about me, and I'm not going to stick around to find out."
One of the reasons why I'm single is because I've ran into this in my dating life as well. I'll meet someone who's been really hurt, and I feel a lot of sympathy for them, and want to try to help. But then I start to realize that nothing I ever do is going to make up for the 20 other women that betrayed them in the past, and nothing is going to make them any less bitter about the 300 life events that happened before meeting me that they're still angry about. They're always going to punish me for someone else's sins against them, and then they'll just accuse me of being another person who "wasn't strong enough" to push past their 8 million defenses and let them down.
It took me many years and lot of wrong turns, but I finally realized I can't fill an emotional hole that only God can deal with.
When thinking about the people like this that I've encountered throughout my life, two songs come to mind:
"What in the world can make a brown-eyed girl turn blue... When everything I ever do, I do for you?" -- Roxette, "The Look", and:
"I am everything you want, I am everything you need, I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be.
I say all the right things, at exactly the right time...
But I mean NOTHING to you, and I don't know why." -- Vertical Horizon, "Everything You Want."
I know these are secular songs and someone out there is going to say, "Well no wonder--you need to put JESUS first and not expect everything you need to come from someone else," and OF COURSE this is true.
But these two song lyrics perfectly embodied the way I felt when I was endlessly giving of myself, trying to both fill and yet pull myself away from a swirling vortex of emptiness that no one person was ever meant to fill by themselves.
* What experiences have you had with people who have Emotional Black Holes? (For the sake of privacy, you don't have to tell us who they were, and if you want, you can even say, "I saw a friend deal with someone who..." or something inconspicuous like that.)
* How did you handle it (or how are you still handling it), and what lessons have you learned?
I'll let this thread stew for a while before dropping the second part.
Thank you for sharing and God bless!
